The girl that's not Shakira proceeds to lay it on thick. She starts to complain that it's been WAY too long since she's kissed anyone. And Virgin goes in for a kiss!
And look who's asleep at the wheel:
Gaming on the job.
The kiss is a peck and even the girl whines that it was a little brother kiss. He asks her if she wants something more and then Shakira speaks up offering to demo how it should be done. My friends, (28 year old) Virgin has a potential threesome about to occur in the VIP. This has to be at least a fantasy for, like, everyone, right?
So Virgin proceeds to...do nothing. Non-Shakira keeps dropping major hints that she's out of practice and Shakira offers to practice with her. Finally he leaves and kisses the girls on...the hand. I'm ready to send this ball-dropper home right here and now. And he thinks he did well.
Well let's see what Carl Reiner and Mel Brooks are up to. Crazy Mel Brooks is opening the set and subdued Carl will come in afterwards. Simeon blares his Dirty Dancing line and Mystery comments from the back that that's the lamest thing ever. Actually he just comments that he's got the raging energy like he's just huffed an eight ball, but same thing.
Enter Lauren Hutton/Carl Reiner. I think they're spittin' game, but all I notice is they can't keep their hands and eyes off each other.
Hey, guys. I feel like said baby being put in a corner.
Oh, god. And now Lauren Hutton drops the "caper" line and I can't listen to any more of this retardo bullcrap they're saying. I wish I could recall from all of my drunky days what got me to make out with a dude and I'd like to think it was something way better. But probably not.
Matador screams from the back like they can actually hear him that they should take this set somewhere and sho nuff, they lead the girls to the VIP. Maybe they can hear Matador, man bull that he is! They lead the girls through the club and Simeon's girl earns his hat, which delights her to no end inexplicably.
Carl Reiner engages his subject with a truly unbelievable story about how he used to manage the Four Seasons in Chicago. Isn't he like twenty-four? Isn't hotel management a ladder in which one works up, one in which management of a five-star hotel would exclude a twenty-four year old by sheer lack of experience?
He gets caught up in his LIE telling her about the time Mr. T came, forgetting the object is to make out with her. Matador makes a comment about how he gets stuck in "corporate" mode. I would say "Liar" mode, but I understand he's gotta sanitize it for the kiddies.
Let's check back in on Simeon.
It feels so much more natural when it's Carl Reiner in my arms. Looks more natural, too.
And he goes in for a kiss right after he asks her if she's an impulsive person. It's right out of the chick flicks so near and dear to his heart! She says she can sometimes be impulsive and responds with...well, I am! And dives in. It's storybook magic, people. Except it's Mel Brooks.
The gang cheers in the background and Mystery even bats his eyelashes so moved by the fabulousness of Simeon's performance. On the other end, Lauren Hutton is still talking stock options and the girl is trying to get him to shut up and get on the dance floor.
So Simeon, working backwards, decides now is the time to go over and AI his wing. I think it's a little late in the game, but the peanut gallery believes he's displaying really good "wingmanship". He enters into the set and then leaves again. Simeon does some really awkward dancing with his girl and then turns around to tell Carl's girl that she's the bad girl, not his. And this turns out to be his saving grace, because with that set up, Carl is now able to obviously lead in a kiss with, "Well, I'll see if she's a bad girl."
I'll spare you the visual, but let's just say it leads to this:
A feather boa and naked man torso.
That's right. He felt zero approach anxiety because tonight, he had his wing. I think there's a "wind beneath my wings" joke in there somewhere, but this recap is late enough as it is without an extended riff on wings.
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Comments (8)
It isn't difficult to find a lot of homo-erotic symbolism this season (I'm getting the same vibe about UFC). I don't think these last four guys are gay, though. It is just the underlying dread of women that made them prime candidates for this show in the first place. They huddle together out of fear.
It was nice to see them all have some level of success - finally. Mystery sent the right guy home.
Who ultimately wins depends on the nature of the tests. Overall, I give a slight edge to the one you call Ringer.
Hutton freezes up too much when on his own, and Cowboy has to have the right kind of target (how many vapid bikini model tests can there be?).
Thanks for the recap!
1 of 8 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on November 22, 2008 11:08 AM
Oh I dunno...I really liked seeing naked Simeon with Lauren Hutton's boa around his neck, both wearing the same calm, satisfied smiles.
2 of 8 | Posted by itchy | Posted on November 22, 2008 2:10 PM
IS...great recap!
I was thinking EXACTLY what you wrote at several instances:
"The Ringer confesses that he's never kissed a girl within a few minutes of meeting. Well, cleeeearly you haven't had enough booze then." --> NO SH!T! Ever been to a wedding reception? Or a college party? AND DRINKS ARE FREE THERE...
Virgin has a willing 3-some, and "...Finally he leaves and kisses the girls on...the hand. I'm ready to send this ball-dropper home right here and now." --> My thoughts as I read that? "Oh HAYALL no! OUT!" Ball-dropper, waste of space...it did just occur to me though, that if he were a TRUE playa, he might have just hooked that up for another time, off camera. OK I can dream, can’t I?
..."girls will give out their number just to escape the situation." --> I'm dying to know if those numbers were real, because a smart girl with give a fake number. And I've had guy friends do the same. And oh yeah for telemarketers too, don't we? But getting busted on it sux….
AND THE REASON I HAD TO POST: "I wish I could recall from all of my drunky days what got me to make out with a dude and I'd like to think it was something way better. But probably not." --> I was thinking the exact same thing. Damn, IS, I like you! Sounds like we coulda done a righteous “ho stroll” back in the day.
Speaking of… in which Standard are you working on these recaps for "us"?
You go, ho! ;-)
Thanks for the hilarious recaps. Keep up the great work.
3 of 8 | Posted by Chips.N.Whips | Posted on November 22, 2008 2:36 PM
hey guys! thanks for the saturday afternoon comments. i just got in from boozing it up at a girly girl clothing swap, so i'm totally in the mood to show y'all some IOIs and kino escalate.
fire@will: i definitely think that these boys are straight. the fact that they so unabashedly embrace each other every episode shows their fear. a confident man is not so quick to enter into the hearty man hug. and if they were gay they would have had better style from the get-go.
itchy: i would like to see it every week, too. it looked way more natural than any interaction with a female.
chips.n.whips: oh, girl. it's nice to know someone reading was also formerly a member of the order of fake numbers and random makeouts.
as for box girl duties, i'm at the hollywood standard on sunset blvd. i always tell my friends to come and see me, but we can't "break the fourth wall", so i can't wave. i am just a zoo animal writing recaps from my glass cage, not a performance artist doing sexy things. though i'm sure me typing away is tremendously sexy.
xoxoIS
4 of 8 | Posted by theinternetsensation | Posted on November 22, 2008 3:14 PM
IS, another fab recap, but I wish you'd quit harping on your penchant for late recaps. We know you don't get paid for this and the result (not to mention 7 pages!) is always worth the wait. Flip should get major credit for pairing the right person with the right show.
This show became super-gay last season too. These guys really get to liking each other, it's touching, but..it's pretty damn gay. Mystery even shed a tear at a medallion ceremony last year!
And I'm sorry, the 'dor, he invented the quiver. What I'm saying is...he makes me quiver. He looks like a bulging chick, but, JC, I will say no more.
5 of 8 | Posted by Tigermilk | Posted on November 22, 2008 11:01 PM
*sigh* I just don't feel the love anymore now that Brian is gone. He was the best thing about this show. Ok ok, I know that he really wasn't progressing. But he was so adorable and funny! And he had an afro. Afros are awesome. Um... except when they are on 50 year old red headed dudes with pornstaches. Then, not so much. Anyway, miss you, Brian!! Call me.
The guys left are just so douche-y. Ok, maybe... MAYBE... Ringer is slightly less than the others. Maybe. Simeon is probably my favorite to win only because he looks sleezy/faux rockstar enough to fit in with Mystery and gang. Lauren Hutton is just annoying as hell. I'm glad the virgin is finally gone. He did learn and get better, I must say, but I feel that some of the guys that went home instead of him might have progressed further. Like that guy, whasshisname, who had the nice smile.
6 of 8 | Posted by Snootchy Bootches | Posted on November 24, 2008 1:51 AM
What do you expect from a show hosted by a fop?
7 of 8 | Posted by ubiquitous | Posted on November 25, 2008 6:40 AM
Thanks for a great re-cap! Mystery's choice of clothing is so odd, it makes one wonder how he became a "master pickup artist". Sorry, no amount of kino or negs would work on me with him!!
8 of 8 | Posted by momoya | Posted on November 25, 2008 10:27 AM