He's actually making Lauren Hutton more appealing, too. When Hutton brings him clothes he calls him "Debutante" and offers him "Pantaloons". They're the real Carl and Mel. Get these two a show. Chuck as debutante. Pro!
Hutton acts out what we all wanna do.
OG Mel Brooks, Simeon, gets jealous of this new bourgeoning Carl and Mel so he has to come over and do some antic-y bit about the fake boobs that Carl has in his hands and I'm not going into any other details, because it would bum me out.
So Chuck comes out in his first outfit and says drily, "We'll pretend this never happened." Pro for debutante! Seriously was Chuck at the viewing party? I suddenly have a strong feeling he was and it's dawning on me, I should have spent less time kicking Neil and Matador in the shins for some tequila-induced reason and MORE TIME WITH THE DEB. I could have been kicking him in the shins! What a waste of shin-kicking!
Judas, please.
So eventually they settle on the above shirt with something black underneath and while it's not Judas, he looks nice.
(UGH. Totally bummer aside: The box girl boss just showed up and made me take off my knee high socks. WTF? I strongly believe that the denizens of Hollywood want to see me in my knee high socks. Am I right or am I right? I am never in public without my knee high socks and I'm feeling vulnerable and exposed. Hold me, TVgasm.)
Okay, let's go to the hair salon. We're still on Debutante giving him a "controlled chaos" haircut. But the beard. The beard is just uncontrollable. It has to stay. I hang with the Sikhs so I'm around plenty of beards, but of course Simeon has to hate because his lover Hutton is being taken away from him this epi. He's all, I would drug him and shave it! Yeah, that's exactly what you would do if you had a passed out man on your hands.
GingerBoy with Glasses goes darker red and Sim's friend GingerBoy without Glasses goes platinum, which of course delights Simeon and his complete love for everything tacky and late nineties.
You look like you could be a Can't Hardly Wait extra! Or a Sugar Ray fan!
And now lets add a flashy fauxhawk and end things with a lip piercing! Shower him in worthless Hot Topic medallions right now. There's no way he can lose with taste this bad.
But onto more risqué makeovers, GingerBoy with Glasses (who looks actually great with the darker hair) is getting a hand job tan! That's right!
Blackface performances no longer considered racist, just sexy!
This is also probably the most intimate he's been with a woman. It will only be downhill from here, young man.
Back at the front of the house, Lauren Hutton is just not satisfied with the wackiness level of Deb's hair so he goes faux hawk to faux hawk with Simeon's makeover faux hawk. He dumps some muck in his hands and clowns his friend hard. This is Deb's coming out party:
Douche Level: At least Orange
So now it's time to download their brains as best they can. Ginger-gone-platinum now looks albino and I feel bad for the sucker. It's not a good look for him. But Simeon sees a contender for kiss-closing. I guess I'm not a visionary. Ringer is emphasizing openers and DHVs so he can angle for a number. My good Mormon boys. And Glasses is not taking to body rocking. It's not his style. He just wants to be friends, he rationalizes. And friends don't body rock. Also, friends don't get laid.
And the Ringer is just a-comin' with the notes. He tells him to talk slower, smile more. Glasses says that he feels fake when he smiles and hey-o, can I get a witness? That's why my default expression is bitch face. It's authentic. I am many things, but disingenuousness is not one of them. Go, glasses. Stand up for smilelessness.
Somewhere out there MXC Brian wishes he could neg the real person with the orangest tan ever.
And let's see how Debutante is doing! Hutton is of course intellectualizing everything for Deb, because they're both weathered skeptics, cut from the same cloth (I think that cloth would be...hmm. Well Simeon would be lamé, we know that much. Help me out here.) But anyway, back to the searing discussion, Hutton is assuring him that this stuff does work.
« 24: Bono Gets Some Competition | Main | Stylista: You Just Don't Fit In (the Clothes) »
Comments (12)
Simeon's been channeling Mystery for a while now, so good for him. Are they going to choose a new name for him? Who gets to decide? Can we hold a contest to choose his new identity?
Anyway, if the Simeon at the beginning of the show was real, and he's feeling this way now, then I say kudos to him for the boost in self-confidence. Besides, insecure people frighten me.
Speaking of which...
Chubby Chuck agreed to come on the show -- then bailed on his buddy. Pure douchebaggery, if you ask me. He ought to have admitted that he's self-conscious about his weight and declined the offer.
Lady S -- is there a webcam of you? I could put that up in the corner of my screen and we could work together all day.
Last thought: I only watch the show for Tara, she's awesome. They ought to do a spinoff with her.
1 of 12 | Posted by itchy | Posted on November 26, 2008 12:09 AM
I heard an internet rumor that Matador is married. Does anyone know if it is true?
Also, is Mystery in a monogamos relationship with anyone, or is he dating several ladies at once? Just curious if he's "settled down" with anyone. He is nearing 40.
2 of 12 | Posted by Norwego | Posted on November 26, 2008 10:01 AM
Great recap. You were so right about a lot of things, but I think the key to who wins is going to be a bout which one is more capable of working in the PUA corporation.
I have to pick Simeon to win. Hutton seems to still suffer from a deep lack of confidence.
Hutton might have other advantages, though - like an appeal to a different demographic.
Thanks for all your great recaps!
3 of 12 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on November 26, 2008 12:06 PM
I definitely think Simeon will win it. Who could stand to be around Lauren Hutton's pretentiousness for very long? He is just boring as EFF!! Simeon is at least slightly entertaining.
I think a Ringer/Simeon final would have been more of a challenge.
4 of 12 | Posted by Snootchy Bootches | Posted on November 26, 2008 1:58 PM
norwego-from what i gleaned sunday, matador is definitely not married, but i think he has a girlfriend. he was with someone that he kept referring to as his "girl".
and mystery does not appear to be settled down at all. happily unsettled.
5 of 12 | Posted by theinternetsensation | Posted on November 26, 2008 2:14 PM
Eeewwww... the thought of a 45-50 year old Mystery with his feather boa and pimp hat is just icky.
6 of 12 | Posted by Snootchy Bootches | Posted on November 26, 2008 3:43 PM
IS, are you sure the 'dor wasn't just trying to send a DHV spike your way with that girlfriend business? These PUA's can reap the rewards of girls not trusting a damn thing they say after they watch this show.
Oh, and good juicy news guys, Ringer has an acting resume on IMDB! No long hair, and lame credits. Scandal! Wikipedia has the link.
And I was one of the commenters that has called Mat a hottie, but in that last screencap of him, he looks like he scalped Condoleeza Rice.
7 of 12 | Posted by Tigermilk | Posted on November 26, 2008 4:24 PM
Yeah, Simeon has it in the bag, so to speak.
Did anyone else see the "Pick-Up Artist" episode of "Criminal Minds" that was on tonight? It had a Mystery-type who taught seminars on picking up "prey," and who had a student who took his lessons too seriously and killed the women he picked up. Now that's negging!
8 of 12 | Posted by pixielated | Posted on November 26, 2008 11:08 PM
Snooty, laughed out loud on that one! Does this mean you find this 35 year old version (well, he looks it anyway) NOT icky?
I find it hard to believe any of these tactics would work over here in Europe. My wife won't allow me to do any field research.
"But honey, I'm doing this for Sciiiiiience...."
9 of 12 | Posted by itchy | Posted on November 27, 2008 12:29 AM
Itchy, you and I are of a similar age, both of us married and now living in Europe... wait, are you my husband? Oh yeah, you are in France. Whew! Anyway, back in the day? Yeah, I hate to admit it but I would have completely fallen for him and his act hook, line and sinker. I dated a few Mysteries in my day.
10 of 12 | Posted by Snootchy Bootches | Posted on November 27, 2008 4:19 AM
Hmm, then maybe we DO know each other...from back in my own pirate days...
11 of 12 | Posted by itchy | Posted on November 27, 2008 9:06 AM
I was crushing on Chuck too!
I am hoping VH1 decides to do a "Chuck of Love" series!
12 of 12 | Posted by amberpdidit | Posted on November 29, 2008 11:53 AM