And now the moment we've all been waiting for: when two men come together in the competitive spirit of sportsmanship only to learn that they love each other best.
Friendship: the real prize.
I am sad to announce that this is the season finale of The Pick Up Artist. Let's embrace and be each other's best friends in the world to help us make it through the withdrawal that surely awaits us.
And now since we're down to two fine man specimens, we're going to have lots of gratuitous cutaway shots so as if we are visually debating each moment! Reiner! Brooks! Ladies and gents, we begin with a crotch-off! Each crotch comes with its own poignant message.
"My internal light has been turned on."
"Picking up chicks is about being a better person."
So once we soak up the gravitas of these reformed individuals, of course we have to relive the fact that the Ringer is gone, much to my chagrin. Simeon is all blah blah blah, Hutton-Reiner is totally the better competitor, of course he should be here. Or I just want to man-hug him harder. Whichever.
But as Hutton returns from the battlefield, they are still somber in their embrace out of respect for the fallen. Then they start chit-chatting about the challenges to come, the best man winning, etc and, wait a second, why are they subtitling this whole interaction? I'm just noticed that I'm reading it instead of listening to it, like this is some Bulgarian new wave film. (which I watch a TON of, btw.)
Май кум победа!
Still not clear why post-pro thought Simeon was difficult to understand, but we've moved on and are checking in with Hutton, who if you hadn't noticed is now officially "cool and charming".
"Now" in this instance is defined as "in a parallel universe".
Hutton Reiner continues his chat in the bunkbed room with Simeon (suddenly not subtitled) about how he always thought it was "lights out" for him. But Simeon is like, no dude, you were always my number two. Too bad I'm gonna have to kick your ass! LOL!
Аз ще си пуша топки в този окончателен конкуренция!
Okay, I'll stop now. As long as Vh1 stops with the subtitling. That's my condition.
So the gang shows up next morning to discuss how proud they are of them, wow, lots of blah blah this go round. Stuff gets repeated so often and I can only type so many of the same words in the same formation before my fingers revolt. Finally he gets down to it and says that they'll have two final challenges and both of them will be based on speed. No two hours of pacing around a suburban Phoenix club this go round!
Then Matador starts talking about kung fu and how you start slow and then you speed up, get graceful, it becomes second nature. Well, Maty, couldn't that be like anything? Like playing an instrument or doing ballet? I think Matador just wanted us to subconsciously associate him with the martial arts and not knitting. Fair enough. Unconscious competence, he concludes! Always with the naming of bullshit, that one.
It should go into your motor response, says Mystery. You can't NOT get the girl. Meh. I don't know about that. I strongly believe there are plenty of girls not going this way.
Unless alll girls can be divided into two groups: burgundy polo or burgandy v-neck.
So the objective for tonight will be to suck face as quickly as possible. And also use good technique. (We're looking at you, Simeon, with your sloppy embarrassing grocery store day game.)
So we get right down to business and send them out into the field. Actually, scratch that. We have several more minutes of whatevertheblah all around. The boys are nervous! We're down to the final two! This is a race-again-st-time challenge! And here I thought Mystery wasn't a big foreplay guy.
I will repeat myself until you all have embraced goggles and labrets.
Mystery does say something pretty awesome though when he goes, "The winner of this will not only get mad props from us, he will get a huge advantage in the field test". Actually that last part of the sentence is not a direct quote as I couldn't hear past the point of "mad props." Mad props from Mystery and his coterie of ill-dressed wings is a quantifiable prize. I'd like to add that this quote erupted the viewing party into a giant fit of giggles.
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Comments (11)
"Mall Goth" !!!!! That's it exactly!!!
I didn't miss the other guy, for one thing, I just don't see a Mormon from Utah wearing these guys' pirate costumes.
For another, every time he came on screen, I felt I was falling into his nostrils.
You know the feeling, you're waiting for subway to pull into the stop and all of a sudden you get the feeling you're about to throw yourself in front of it....
Simeon became like Mystery's Mini-me. And let's face it, the person they were really supposed to learn to pick up was Mystery.
1 of 11 | Posted by itchy | Posted on December 4, 2008 11:59 PM
"But maybe that bitch is just smiling in her eyes because she watches a lot of America's Next Top Model."
LOL! "I'm ready for my closeup, Ms. Banks."
SImeon would just creep me out with his excessive energy. I've always liked more relaxed guys.
Have you noticed that Mystery looks 10x better with a hat on? I think he has overdone the botox. When I saw that screencap of the elimination, I though, "Wow, who is the old guy?"
2 of 11 | Posted by pixielated | Posted on December 5, 2008 12:33 AM
So much good stuff. "Mall Goth" and "Mystery bibles," great way to end the season (there better be a third!). God I never thought I would wish that, but these recaps make the show a lot more entertaining, and not like I am the only person with too much time of doing nothing to watch it.
It was obvious Simeon was going to win though, and he totally drinks the PUA kool-aid. For weeks the Dor and Mystery kept bragging about Sim adopting their douchey "rock star" avatar tips- painted nails, douchey hats, maybe some wooden goggles to go on top of a douchey hat. They love the bastards that eat this "seduction community" sh-t up.
I can't wait for your interview with Mat and I thank you for those few insider tidbits from the viewing party.
3 of 11 | Posted by Tigermilk | Posted on December 5, 2008 1:14 AM
Yeah we all knew Simeon would take it. Blah blah blah. Whatevs.
But I will say that I enjoyed this season more than the first one. I think it was because I liked the guys more. Well, except for Hutton because his pretentious douchebag professor bit just drove me nuts the whole time. I hope there is a season 3. And if there is, I hope you recap it. Thanks for all of the laughs.
I am SOOOOO jealous that you got to meet Brian!! Even though I know he could never be The PUA, he was my favorte. If you text/talk to him again, please give him a salami for me.
4 of 11 | Posted by Snootchy Bootches | Posted on December 5, 2008 3:54 AM
This is a perfect example of a show I NEVER thought I would get drawn into...read one of your early recaps just for sh*ts and giggles and then I was hooked. Like most of the VH1 shows I watch, no one else I know would admit to watching it. Thanks for the recaps!!
5 of 11 | Posted by wintersux | Posted on December 5, 2008 6:53 AM
Great recap...and great show. I did get to find out just how awkward watching this show with your mom in the vicinity can be however while home for Thanksgiving...even at 31 years of age. I think it was the number of times something along this line was said: "So your objective here is to seduce your target as fast as possible..."
6 of 11 | Posted by suedisco | Posted on December 5, 2008 8:02 AM
Mall Goth...Brilliant! I too, never thought I would get hooked on this show, but I loved it as much as your recaps. I will truly miss both.
Too bad they don't have a reunion show like the ROL & Charm School gals do. I think viewers would really like to see how some of these guys "lives have changed" since the show. Plus we'd get to see Ringer and Brian one more time, and maybe Chuck too.
7 of 11 | Posted by shantigal | Posted on December 5, 2008 10:12 AM
I'd let Chuck pick me up any day... (call me, Chuck)
Great recaps!
love, J-Mo :)
8 of 11 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on December 5, 2008 11:25 AM
I haven't commented before, but I wanted to let you know that I've been reading all of your recaps and think they're hilarious.
Also, I did not understand all the hate for the girl Hutton made out with in the field test. I thought she had a naturally gorgeous face, and was surprised that she wasn't the target from the beginning.
Is it really that bad for a girl to be a size 4 instead of a 0?
9 of 11 | Posted by grannyapple | Posted on December 5, 2008 3:09 PM
You did a great job all season. Your insider info is a real bonus, too.
I agree with grannyapple about Hutton's target - in fact, I don't recall any woman all season who was not attractive. But, then, I'm a (straight) guy who does not obsess on looks. (Which begs the question - why am I watching a shallow show like this? For the great recaps, of course!)
10 of 11 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on December 5, 2008 3:20 PM
You know, I actually think it is even cooler when one of the other guys, like Brian, Virgin, Ringer, even Chuck to some extent, uses some of the techniques to approach women in their own way and have some success. They don't HAVE to make themselves over into Mystery clones to make it work for them, they just need the confidence and a few skills.
I think Hutton should have gotten a little extra credit because his girl was hotter. Plus, the other girl was running a game on Simeon (The Pick-Up Artistette?). She practically tackled him.
11 of 11 | Posted by pixielated | Posted on December 5, 2008 10:47 PM