So of course he goes straight to the bedroom and pops champagne. Now that's a tour I can get behind! Of course, careful, restrained Simeon almost kills one of the girls when he pops the cork off the bottle. He jokes that she would have been like the owl in Dumb and Dumber, and they both titter about how funny Simeon is. And going to these parties every weekend, I can officially say my conversations are only slightly better. I mainly argue with Matador that I don't write for the tabloids. TVgasm's not a tabloid, right? Or I dish about other pick up artists with Neil. Gossiping probably shouldn't make me feel more evolved, but it does.
And seriously, Vh1. WTF? They're all speaking English.
О, Боже мой, имах сърдечен пристъп!
Back outside Hutton is back to the Alaska girls and gets them back to the bedroom for a drink. He doesn't masquerade that it's a tour. And speaking of the tour, back with tour guide Simeon he's asking which girl is the better kisser. And our Cotton Farmer does not like this. I don't kiss on the first date, she announces. Oh, sister, you are dressing like a whore in the wrong place. You're in the land of the five minute makeout. Concerned piano music plunks ominously in the background indicating things are not boding well for Brooks here.
She allows him to kiss her on the cheek, which he does and the set quickly spirals away from him. He asks the other one but there's no way two girls are going to compete to impress him like this and the gang is in the background screaming for him to abort.
Maybe that didn't work because he skipped about thirty steps between comfort and threesome.
I just thought that farmers liked cowboy hats and crack addict energy levels.
So in Hutton's room he and his two set bonding and having a grand time throwing gang signs saying "stamp it" and other such lingo the kids say. And the gang is oohing and aahing over his slick style. Both the girls are IOIing and wanting to be there with him. Neither one seems to be leaving for her friend to take the reins. They both want to ride it. Sorry. We all wish I hadn't gone there.
Mystery does wish Hutton hadn't gone for the back hug, though, which looks totally dorky. He then gets dorkier as he talks about "K-town" LA's Koreatown, which is extra super lame because the girls are Korean. Then it gets worse from there. He tells them to both "sit down" on the bed so he can tell them a story about Iraq. Iraq is the new Dirty Dancing of openers, in case you didn't know.
Mystery is all groans. I mean, this doesn't even look remotely like a seduction?
Sleepy cell.
Hutton says he got trapped in the comfort zone, but this doesn't look like comfort either. It looks like "reluctant student". Where is that on the chart? Hutton thought it was stimulating conversation for the girls to have, which misses the point, because you don't have to talk about dumb things to seduce someone. You just have to infuse your heady topics with witty repartee and erudite banter. In fact, some girls do like that. But a pedantic lecture isn't stimulating or a conversation and that's where he gets confused. It's annoying because he's the kind of guy to just think girls are dumb because they don't like to talk about the Middle East. No, it's because you're boring.
Back to the other PUA currently sucking, Simeon is back on track after he gets traffic stopped by a girl who needs her dress tied. She's not a 10, but he takes those IOIs and runs with them. He compliments the earrings, shakes her hands with both of his and is generally pretty touchy.
This girl is buxom, notes Mystery from the back. Yes, it's hard to tell chest size without someone telling me. I'd also like a subtitle so I can get it in writing. He then talks about how beautiful she is in the face. He's saying all of this because he knows she's not a 10. Trust.
She also has great fashion sense and a toned body. She's a 10, I tell you, A TEN!!!!
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Comments (11)
"Mall Goth" !!!!! That's it exactly!!!
I didn't miss the other guy, for one thing, I just don't see a Mormon from Utah wearing these guys' pirate costumes.
For another, every time he came on screen, I felt I was falling into his nostrils.
You know the feeling, you're waiting for subway to pull into the stop and all of a sudden you get the feeling you're about to throw yourself in front of it....
Simeon became like Mystery's Mini-me. And let's face it, the person they were really supposed to learn to pick up was Mystery.
1 of 11 | Posted by itchy | Posted on December 4, 2008 11:59 PM
"But maybe that bitch is just smiling in her eyes because she watches a lot of America's Next Top Model."
LOL! "I'm ready for my closeup, Ms. Banks."
SImeon would just creep me out with his excessive energy. I've always liked more relaxed guys.
Have you noticed that Mystery looks 10x better with a hat on? I think he has overdone the botox. When I saw that screencap of the elimination, I though, "Wow, who is the old guy?"
2 of 11 | Posted by pixielated | Posted on December 5, 2008 12:33 AM
So much good stuff. "Mall Goth" and "Mystery bibles," great way to end the season (there better be a third!). God I never thought I would wish that, but these recaps make the show a lot more entertaining, and not like I am the only person with too much time of doing nothing to watch it.
It was obvious Simeon was going to win though, and he totally drinks the PUA kool-aid. For weeks the Dor and Mystery kept bragging about Sim adopting their douchey "rock star" avatar tips- painted nails, douchey hats, maybe some wooden goggles to go on top of a douchey hat. They love the bastards that eat this "seduction community" sh-t up.
I can't wait for your interview with Mat and I thank you for those few insider tidbits from the viewing party.
3 of 11 | Posted by Tigermilk | Posted on December 5, 2008 1:14 AM
Yeah we all knew Simeon would take it. Blah blah blah. Whatevs.
But I will say that I enjoyed this season more than the first one. I think it was because I liked the guys more. Well, except for Hutton because his pretentious douchebag professor bit just drove me nuts the whole time. I hope there is a season 3. And if there is, I hope you recap it. Thanks for all of the laughs.
I am SOOOOO jealous that you got to meet Brian!! Even though I know he could never be The PUA, he was my favorte. If you text/talk to him again, please give him a salami for me.
4 of 11 | Posted by Snootchy Bootches | Posted on December 5, 2008 3:54 AM
This is a perfect example of a show I NEVER thought I would get drawn into...read one of your early recaps just for sh*ts and giggles and then I was hooked. Like most of the VH1 shows I watch, no one else I know would admit to watching it. Thanks for the recaps!!
5 of 11 | Posted by wintersux | Posted on December 5, 2008 6:53 AM
Great recap...and great show. I did get to find out just how awkward watching this show with your mom in the vicinity can be however while home for Thanksgiving...even at 31 years of age. I think it was the number of times something along this line was said: "So your objective here is to seduce your target as fast as possible..."
6 of 11 | Posted by suedisco | Posted on December 5, 2008 8:02 AM
Mall Goth...Brilliant! I too, never thought I would get hooked on this show, but I loved it as much as your recaps. I will truly miss both.
Too bad they don't have a reunion show like the ROL & Charm School gals do. I think viewers would really like to see how some of these guys "lives have changed" since the show. Plus we'd get to see Ringer and Brian one more time, and maybe Chuck too.
7 of 11 | Posted by shantigal | Posted on December 5, 2008 10:12 AM
I'd let Chuck pick me up any day... (call me, Chuck)
Great recaps!
love, J-Mo :)
8 of 11 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on December 5, 2008 11:25 AM
I haven't commented before, but I wanted to let you know that I've been reading all of your recaps and think they're hilarious.
Also, I did not understand all the hate for the girl Hutton made out with in the field test. I thought she had a naturally gorgeous face, and was surprised that she wasn't the target from the beginning.
Is it really that bad for a girl to be a size 4 instead of a 0?
9 of 11 | Posted by grannyapple | Posted on December 5, 2008 3:09 PM
You did a great job all season. Your insider info is a real bonus, too.
I agree with grannyapple about Hutton's target - in fact, I don't recall any woman all season who was not attractive. But, then, I'm a (straight) guy who does not obsess on looks. (Which begs the question - why am I watching a shallow show like this? For the great recaps, of course!)
10 of 11 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on December 5, 2008 3:20 PM
You know, I actually think it is even cooler when one of the other guys, like Brian, Virgin, Ringer, even Chuck to some extent, uses some of the techniques to approach women in their own way and have some success. They don't HAVE to make themselves over into Mystery clones to make it work for them, they just need the confidence and a few skills.
I think Hutton should have gotten a little extra credit because his girl was hotter. Plus, the other girl was running a game on Simeon (The Pick-Up Artistette?). She practically tackled him.
11 of 11 | Posted by pixielated | Posted on December 5, 2008 10:47 PM