He easily gets Sherry back to the room where he acts blown away that she knows about chakras. It's not like a deeply hidden freemason ideology, dude. Anyone who's been to a yoga class at their local gym has heard of a chakra. But whatevs. It allows Sims to feel entitled to keep his hand glued to her back which is causing Mys to rightfully cringe.
Would you like me to give your back chakra a psychic reading?
His hand is probably on there for a solid five minutes and Mystery even flat out says that it's upsetting him. And if he's saying that, I can only imagine the level of turmoil he's actually feeling. Simeon will certainly be reamed on a separate occasion when the cameras aren't rolling. That's how they do it under Mystery rule.
Back to Hutton, he's now out of the bedroom back by the pool befriending his target's friends. Then the original target comes back over to flirt with him some more! Not even a lecture on the Middle East could shake her! She must be participating in her own Pick Up competition for women filming simultaneously. She wants to beat that skank that always wears a cowboy hat.
But they do seem to genuinely enjoy each other's company. He begins to finally enter the Seduction phase. He talks about how good she smells and how he he has to try not to kiss her.
Simeon's lady seems to be having less of a good time. They talk about him being vegetarian and his yoga class. Things I know bored the shit out of people when I was a vegetarian and talked about yoga class.
Camera guy also not listening.
Eventually he wises up and takes her back to the room to get champagne because now she associates the kitchen with excruciating conversation instead of the bedroom with its awkward back touching.
In the bedroom, he starts getting seductive by putting the hat on her head. She goes along with pretty much everything, though he's not that interesting and he's completely freaking me out my what a crack monkey he is crawling all over the bed with his nervous energy.
He starts giving her a back rub pulling her in and she asks if it's like her foot getting her spine rubbed. Exactly says Simeon, like they're the two most energetically sophisticated individuals at this party and they were so lucky to have found one another so they could talk like this. She asks him if the hat is turning him on, continually inexplicably attracted to him. And they make out. Good for him. Moving on.
Hutton now requests to take his target inside and she follows him easily. Once he gets to the room he doesn't waste any time.
-I'll be honest with you, I'm in this competition and I want to win.
-OMG. Me, too! Let's go.
So they begin sucking face and the gang oohs and aahs over this romantic moment. In the master bedroom, Simeon is getting freaky and it looks like they're about do maul each other. And by maul I mean take their clothes off. Let's all look away. (Aside: I learned that a producer did come in and interrupted them because he saw it going the mauling way, too, and contractually there were certain lines they couldn't cross. Ha.)
But now all of a sudden we're in the elimination. I guess it's been two hours, but why don't we ever get to see any of the disengage strategies? I mean, pick up artists aren't rude, are they? They don't just say, I met my objective, peace, bitch. Do they?
Anyway, Mys is still all blah blah blah someone will get to travel the world with my team, selling Mystery Bibles door to door, won't that be fun? And then just to remind us who the real star of the show is, he gives us a long talk about how there was a time when he was just plain old Eric Von Markatiwenvjdiat and he hadn't yet learned to create an avatar with which to navigate the world, allowing him to participate in life instead of just watching it on TV like the rest of us.
I had no purpose and then I learned the two words that would change my life forever: "Mall Goth".
Then he discovered his calling. He doesn't actually elucidate what this purpose is, I think because "Vh1 reality star" sounds laughable, even if it is a valid purpose many have chosen to embrace. (Adrienne Curry, Bret Michaels, New York, et all)
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Comments (11)
"Mall Goth" !!!!! That's it exactly!!!
I didn't miss the other guy, for one thing, I just don't see a Mormon from Utah wearing these guys' pirate costumes.
For another, every time he came on screen, I felt I was falling into his nostrils.
You know the feeling, you're waiting for subway to pull into the stop and all of a sudden you get the feeling you're about to throw yourself in front of it....
Simeon became like Mystery's Mini-me. And let's face it, the person they were really supposed to learn to pick up was Mystery.
1 of 11 | Posted by itchy | Posted on December 4, 2008 11:59 PM
"But maybe that bitch is just smiling in her eyes because she watches a lot of America's Next Top Model."
LOL! "I'm ready for my closeup, Ms. Banks."
SImeon would just creep me out with his excessive energy. I've always liked more relaxed guys.
Have you noticed that Mystery looks 10x better with a hat on? I think he has overdone the botox. When I saw that screencap of the elimination, I though, "Wow, who is the old guy?"
2 of 11 | Posted by pixielated | Posted on December 5, 2008 12:33 AM
So much good stuff. "Mall Goth" and "Mystery bibles," great way to end the season (there better be a third!). God I never thought I would wish that, but these recaps make the show a lot more entertaining, and not like I am the only person with too much time of doing nothing to watch it.
It was obvious Simeon was going to win though, and he totally drinks the PUA kool-aid. For weeks the Dor and Mystery kept bragging about Sim adopting their douchey "rock star" avatar tips- painted nails, douchey hats, maybe some wooden goggles to go on top of a douchey hat. They love the bastards that eat this "seduction community" sh-t up.
I can't wait for your interview with Mat and I thank you for those few insider tidbits from the viewing party.
3 of 11 | Posted by Tigermilk | Posted on December 5, 2008 1:14 AM
Yeah we all knew Simeon would take it. Blah blah blah. Whatevs.
But I will say that I enjoyed this season more than the first one. I think it was because I liked the guys more. Well, except for Hutton because his pretentious douchebag professor bit just drove me nuts the whole time. I hope there is a season 3. And if there is, I hope you recap it. Thanks for all of the laughs.
I am SOOOOO jealous that you got to meet Brian!! Even though I know he could never be The PUA, he was my favorte. If you text/talk to him again, please give him a salami for me.
4 of 11 | Posted by Snootchy Bootches | Posted on December 5, 2008 3:54 AM
This is a perfect example of a show I NEVER thought I would get drawn into...read one of your early recaps just for sh*ts and giggles and then I was hooked. Like most of the VH1 shows I watch, no one else I know would admit to watching it. Thanks for the recaps!!
5 of 11 | Posted by wintersux | Posted on December 5, 2008 6:53 AM
Great recap...and great show. I did get to find out just how awkward watching this show with your mom in the vicinity can be however while home for Thanksgiving...even at 31 years of age. I think it was the number of times something along this line was said: "So your objective here is to seduce your target as fast as possible..."
6 of 11 | Posted by suedisco | Posted on December 5, 2008 8:02 AM
Mall Goth...Brilliant! I too, never thought I would get hooked on this show, but I loved it as much as your recaps. I will truly miss both.
Too bad they don't have a reunion show like the ROL & Charm School gals do. I think viewers would really like to see how some of these guys "lives have changed" since the show. Plus we'd get to see Ringer and Brian one more time, and maybe Chuck too.
7 of 11 | Posted by shantigal | Posted on December 5, 2008 10:12 AM
I'd let Chuck pick me up any day... (call me, Chuck)
Great recaps!
love, J-Mo :)
8 of 11 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on December 5, 2008 11:25 AM
I haven't commented before, but I wanted to let you know that I've been reading all of your recaps and think they're hilarious.
Also, I did not understand all the hate for the girl Hutton made out with in the field test. I thought she had a naturally gorgeous face, and was surprised that she wasn't the target from the beginning.
Is it really that bad for a girl to be a size 4 instead of a 0?
9 of 11 | Posted by grannyapple | Posted on December 5, 2008 3:09 PM
You did a great job all season. Your insider info is a real bonus, too.
I agree with grannyapple about Hutton's target - in fact, I don't recall any woman all season who was not attractive. But, then, I'm a (straight) guy who does not obsess on looks. (Which begs the question - why am I watching a shallow show like this? For the great recaps, of course!)
10 of 11 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on December 5, 2008 3:20 PM
You know, I actually think it is even cooler when one of the other guys, like Brian, Virgin, Ringer, even Chuck to some extent, uses some of the techniques to approach women in their own way and have some success. They don't HAVE to make themselves over into Mystery clones to make it work for them, they just need the confidence and a few skills.
I think Hutton should have gotten a little extra credit because his girl was hotter. Plus, the other girl was running a game on Simeon (The Pick-Up Artistette?). She practically tackled him.
11 of 11 | Posted by pixielated | Posted on December 5, 2008 10:47 PM