If you're worth your salt, you know the answer is obviously "d", seduce women and teach others how to dress like asshats and also seduce women while looking like asshats. You have to admit, a pretty impressive feat. My private university degree and years of just getting laid just cause I'm hot are looking pretty chintzy in comparison.

So hello, lovers! It's Lady Sensation. I am so so happy to back at TVgasm after a long sabbatical. Denise Richards and her fluffy, bountiful mermaid hair almost did me in. I needed some alone time to count my remaining brain cells and then get some beautiful extensions to be just like her. I'm the one that actually set Heather up for a daytime DUI. And now I'm back with my favorite Don Juan of all time: the inexplicably appealing Mystery.

If I had my way, these recaps would be entirely shots of Mystery, appreciating every element of his style and letting the pictures be at least a thousand words.

Doucheface...or the man who's gonna rock your world?

Okay, it won't be all shots of Mystery, but I bet Mystery would love it. I mean, textbook narcissist, y'all.

If he only knew then what he knows now: that some Can't Hardly Wait goggles and a peacock feather vest gets chicks hotter than Brad Pitt suckin' on a popsicle.

Anyfamewhore, Mystery is back to do his good samaritan work for the confidence challenged and helpin' these guys do what every man wants to do all day, every day: GET LAID. But before we meet the guys we have to the requisite montage to learn that Mystery was just like these poor fools back in the day, running around in purple shirts and a pony tail getting rejected. As opposed to now when he, you know, still runs around in a purple shirt and a pony tail.

So driven by frustration he developed a system that unlocked the triggers to getting into womens' pants and that shit is foolproof. Kind of. Or we'll see...

Let's meet this season's AFCs (Average Frustrated Chumps, y'all) as they walk three miles in the Arizona sun to meet their teacher. It's just like the tales I hear in Yoga class about Masters and Students and how they'll walk forevs to get one teaching. I love when shit gets spiritual.

No, Vh1. The "Mystery" is already here.

First we have Todd. A self-described emotional outlet for women, which sounds like he's gay.

This look worked for the members of 'N Sync in 1997. What?

Who's Todd again?

And of course, the self-proclaimed Virgin.

Parenthetically. (?)

Immediately cut to Rian entering the house and stumbling and dropping the handle of his suitcase. Because only virgins are clumsy. The rest of the sexually active world is totally slick at all times. Nice message, Vh1. Now the world is gonna think I'm a virgin, too.

Then we drive home the point that he is socially retarded by getting a home video of him showing us his plushie that he cuddles with at night. More Vh1 logic that I am a virgin.

And now before we meet the rest, we have to cut to the hos in the pool.

Correction: Drunk hos!

The boys find they're way into the backyard and don't even know what to do with themselves. One grabs his hair in anguish. One ventures a "hey" and look who was planted in the Drunk Ho Audience: Tara! Last year's demo hot girl. She turns around when she hears the 'hey' and welcomes the young lads. This year she's upgraded to "wing" and hopefully she'll regale us with stories of how she helped open up sets and intiated kino escalation. It's gonna rule. Tara's a total pussy hound.

Easy, breezy, beautiful...oh, wait. Wrong show! Can we take that again?

So the planted Tara walks over with some real rehearsed speech that sounds like dropped bricks, but the guys don't care. She could be repeating over and over that they'll never get laid and they'd still have shit-eating grins on their faces. This show teaches me that men are simple creatures.

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Last Comment: itchy on Oct 27, 2008 07:32 AM.