***Alright, gasmii, you've been asking for it in comments and a deluge of emails, and finally one of your own took the wheel of the ship to deliver it to you. You know her, you love her, and now you can read her! Please, a round of applause for your guest Pirate Master recapper...TinkerbellaPixie!!
It is with much excitement (and a tiny smidge of fear) that I attempt my first official recap. I'd ask you to be kind, but that's not very pirate-y, so in the spirit of the show I've got my eye patch on, I'm typing with my hook on a stolen laptop and I'm drinking some fine rum. Ok so it's really Aquafina. I lied, that's pirate-y isn't it?
And tis a fine fine day for writing recaps. With a seaworthy vessel like TVgasm we should make for clear waters, hoist the main sails, and raise anchor mateys! This be Pirate Master!
So let's get you introduced to our remaining pirates, scoundrels, wenches and the like:
First up, we have Azmyth, the sporadically English-accented Captain. When not pirating he is a music producer who clearly spends a little too much time manscaping his beard.
Blimey! That buccaneer has some serious beard action.
Jay and Ben are his officers. Ben is a 23 year old musician and Jay is an auto parts salesman. I know there has to be some sort of pirate-y joke I could make about those who sell car parts but... we have more important matters to attend to.
A fine trio of seamen if I do say so myself. (come on, you knew there was gonna be a semen joke with a pirate show. I was just getting it out of the way early)
And on to the rest of the crew. Louie had one turn up as Captain and failed at his only goal: fulfilling his vow to get rid of Joe Don.
Pantene Pro-V for that Full Bodied Shape and Shine!
Laurel, Kendra, Joy and Jupiter are the wenches who, for the most part, don't get much screen time. Since the show doesn't show them much, I'm not gonna either. At least not right now.
Joe Don, former Captain, is sharing a flirtmance with Nessa. When Joe Don was in charge, he kept a lion's share of the treasure and ran the ship with an iron first. As a result, a lot of people (especially Louie) were gunning for him to be cut adrift.
Nessa likes to try to use her womanly wiles to get her way. With the male population of the ship dwindling, that method might not be a very wise long-term plan.
He wants to show her his dinghy.
Last but certainly not least we have Christa, the single mom who is smuggling a pair of stowaways under her wench blouse. According to her profile, she's former military. Check out her missiles. (FYI - I AM a female recapper, but I'm trying to be sensitive to our male readers - hence all the boob talk - I guess you could say I am taking the Nessa approach to recapping). The CBS pixilation department loves Christa because she and her blurry cleavage is keeping them on the payroll.
Shiver me timbers - check out those canonballs!
Now that you know who the pirates are... Grab onto your yard arms mateys... it's time to set sail for another episode of PIRATE MASTER! (insert piratey music here "yo ho yo ho a recappers life for me").
Episode 6 begins with everyone returning to their quarters as they talk about cutting Sean adrift and how they are going to need to start making their own food. That's the downside of ditching your chef, kids. Live with it. Nessa confessionals (yes I am totally "pirating" that term from Honey Gangsta - cuz that's how we pirates roll) that she had to spend $9,000 on the pardon and now she is hurting for money.
Cut to the guys in the Captains Cabin patting themselves on the back for their success getting rid of Sean. Now they only have 2 guys on the other crew to worry about - Joe Don and Louie. They feel pretty safe and secure and are mighty arrogant. They have even come up with a name for themselves: "the Triad". Yeah - cuz naming your alliance always works out in the long run. (See also "The Guidos", "The Four Horsemen" and "The Friendship". Well ok, that one won the money but it didn't do them any good once the left the BB house).
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Comments (11)
Kick ass recap, Tink! I don't even watch this show, but I laughed out loud almost enough to want to check it out. If nothing else, I will be back for more of your recaps!
1 of 11 | Posted by RachWho?
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Posted on July 9, 2007 3:52 PM
Tink, that's awesome! Love the Pirate recap, love the multi-reality references (4 Horsemen, Guidos, Friendship, even the jidges). Thank you so much for doing this!!!
2 of 11 | Posted by ChicagoGal
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Posted on July 9, 2007 7:31 PM
I think Jay has control of the whole ship. Every week he says who he wants out and by golly at the end of the day, they're floating away on a little raft.
Great recap Tink.... thanks for recaping this show!
3 of 11 | Posted by chooch850
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Posted on July 9, 2007 8:54 PM
Thanks for the kind comments everyone.
Just a quick scheduling note - Pirate Master is on tonight after BB 8 at 9 p.m. EST.
4 of 11 | Posted by TinkerbellAPixie
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Posted on July 10, 2007 5:52 AM
Has anyone noticed the ridiculous pirate-themed furniture store ads starring Azmyth that run during the show? I expect they're only run locally, so if you don't live in the NW, you might have missed out! It looks like his family runs a local furniture store and they bought time during kiddo's show so he could shill to his fans in his phony accent. Priceless!
5 of 11 | Posted by BonitaJustice
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Posted on July 10, 2007 2:20 PM
I've watched this show a few times and good god it's bad.
I don't know exactly what's wrong with it, but I dunno, it's just... bad.
Maybe b/c the missions or whatever to find the treasure are just so freaking lame and stupid.
Might as well put up some signs with arrows pointing int he direction that they need to go.
It's so simple and just.. UGH.
6 of 11 | Posted by Shollia
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Posted on July 10, 2007 3:33 PM
Great first recap Tink! I don't watch this show but your recap made me want to! Keep up the good work - I know I am gonna keep reading!
7 of 11 | Posted by minda07
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Posted on July 11, 2007 11:55 AM
Tink you know I don't watch the Pirate Master, but your recap was hilarious. Go girl!
8 of 11 | Posted by bevo360
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Posted on July 11, 2007 1:37 PM
Thanks for the recap. I love this show and it was ripe for gasming. I'm rooting for Louie, but it doesn't look good. My second fave is Jay. I like his voice. If you close your eyes he sounds like Kevin Costner.
9 of 11 | Posted by geewits
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Posted on July 11, 2007 10:13 PM
Awesome job, Tink! Just when I thought I could stop watching this cheesy show, they pull me back in. I can't wait for the next recap!
10 of 11 | Posted by angiemarie
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Posted on July 12, 2007 4:18 PM
Great job, tink! Can't wait for the next recap.
11 of 11 | Posted by jampony
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Posted on July 19, 2007 3:40 AM