Breaking My Break To Break "Break's" Break - 
by sg-dub
Prison Break fans, we're almost there. FOX will deign to begin showing new episodes again on Monday, March 20th. In anticipation, I thought it would be a good idea to refresh our collective memory and catch up with some of the cast and story. For those of you who missed the first half season of the show, you suck. You really do... Because this show totally rules. Luckily for you, FX is showing a "Prison Break" marathon next Sunday the 19th - Don't miss it.
Remember the premise? Remember how much we all hate FOX for making us wait 4 months in between half-seasons? Remember how awesome my recaps are? You don't? Then I'd suggest catching up by reading the "Prison Break" archives. I'll wait. Christ, I waited 4 months for FOX, I can wait four hours for you. [Editor's Note: For those of you who didn't find TVgasm until after sg-dub's wife gave birth and his subsequent hiatus... whereas EdHill makes "Cooter" jokes, sg-dub makes Fibonacci sequence jokes. He's what you call "highbrow."]
So let's revisit the world of Fox River Prison - where men get Teabagged, others perform rusty trombones, and the rest pretty much get murdered. Good stuff.
The best way to review the season is through the many characters themselves. The main character is Michael Scofield, the brilliant (some say genius!) handsome devil who pulled off a fake armed robbery in order to get imprisoned with his brother Lincoln Burroughs. For some inexplicable reason, this genius saw it fit to tattoo his entire torso and arms with little reminders on how to best escape the prison - sort of like permanent Post-It notes, conceived to be as cryptic as possible. You see, Michael is an architect and had some blueprints of the prison, so he was able to plan his escape before his imprisonment. This plan involved such intricacies as duping the sexy doctor into believing he was diabetic, dismantling a toilet, carving a soap phone, scamming the mob, winning over the warden with a Popsicle stick Taj Mahal, intricate origami, and paying off a stripper to smuggle a credit card in her cooter. [Editor's note: Um... Just kidding about that highbrow stuff.]
Half a buck and a Chili Pepper gets you a badass tattoo in prison
Other characters and their roles are:
Warden Pope: This Pope definitely smokes dope. Detective Mike Hammer remained in law enforcement and runs the prison with an oatmeal fist. He's immediately smitten with Scofield because of his ability to build a 6th grade science project with which to woo his wife at their 20th anniversary. He also allows his first in command to be a complete dick, allows guards to be murdered without consequence, and also oversees full-scale race riots with nary a punishment.
Odds of surviving rest of season: 3:2
Wild unconfirmed assertion: Has dresser drawer full of "Free mustache rides" merchandise.
CO Bellick: He's the "complete dick" mentioned above. Racist redneck that took an immediate disliking to Scofield upon arrival. Despite his intellectual failings, he somehow knows that Scofield is "up to something" at all times, yet lets a rather suspicious group of prisoners join together on the same work detail to repair the mysteriously burned guard room. This work detail includes Lincoln Burroughs who is scheduled to die within the week. This is okay, apparently.
Odds of surviving rest of season: 1:4
Wild unconfirmed assertion: Beats his toy poodle, Adolf.
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