Damn, The John Gulager Low Self Esteem Curse is contagious. I'm trying my best to fight it myself - but I'm finding it rather difficult. Can't... Help... It... This recap is going to suck. I'm just not a good writer. I get embarrassed when I read stuff I've written. Sigh... It's hopeless. If Greenlight were on a major network, the term "Gulager" would have entered the national lexicon by now, as in, "Bob, your annual report was good - don't get all Gulager on me now," or, "Timmy if you don't stop your crying I'm going to go Gulager alone!" Although anything with "Gulager" in it would never have an exclamation point afterwards. The guy has never said a statement in his life that warrants such punctuation.

So with bottles absinthe and pills in hand, I fired up the TiVo to see what depressing things first time director John Gulager would pummel us with this week. The episode began with a 5:30 AM call time for Day 8 of Feast's filming. The pre-dawn start time was so Gulager could rehearse a bit with his actors for once. In the first scene to be shot, Beer Guy (Judah Friedlander of, um, Project Greenlight fame) was to be doused with the movie monster's projectile vomit. Thus fulfilling reality show rule # 11; Thy show must air at least one barf or pee scene. Poor Judah was the same guy who had the pleasure of shooting maggots from his nose last week. The director and crew took great pleasure in knocking the esteemed Mr. Friedlander off his feet with the voluminous pressure hose spray of green goo. Yet, even when he's laughing, Gulager looks like he's about to cry. What a sap. During the shooting, Friedlander came up with some lines that went something like, "Aaaaaahhhh... Uuuggghhhh... Eeeeaaaahhh!" At this, co-star Navi Rawat gushed, "Judah's ad libs were brilliant!" Yes folks, that is the level of cinematic genius we are dealing with here.