Hi Gasmii--

I'll let Bravo executive spokesmodel Miss Thing Andy Cohen open us up today in classic overwrought style: "After a season of controversy and betrayal, surprising new alliances, shocking twists of fate, boys in high heels and a one-hit wonder, Part One starts tonight!" But don't get too excited. Up until the last few minutes, it's kinda snoozy.

If you don't live in Southern California, skip down to the recap. But if you do, you're in for a huge treat. The L.A. Gay & Lesbian Center presents their outrageous live game show parody The Mis-Match Game, in which some of the funniest and most twisted local performers impersonate a celebrity panel trying to match contestants for semi-valuable prizes. This Saturday, November 7, the special guest star is Julie Brown! No, not the plastic surgery casualty ex-VJ, the white talented one! I have been a crazed Julie Brown fan since her novelty record "The Homecoming Queen's Got A Gun" came out when I was in junior high, and I especially love her playfully vicious Madonna Truth Or Dare spoof Medusa: Dare To Be Truthful.

Hold onto your weaves: Julie will be playing Kim Zolciak from RHOA! The promo materials for the show state that she's playing Paula Abdul, but my boyfriend's her assistant's brother, and I have it confirmed that since Julie is obsessed with RHOA, she's switchin' it up and doing Kim. Google The Mis-Match Game at the Renberg Theatre, which is near Santa Monica & Highland in Hollywood and be there Saturday night at 8 PM. It's a benefit for the Center's Cultural Arts Program. Maybe I'll get chosen to be a contestant. Or maybe YOU will!

Posted by Leia LaBiblia at 9:13 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Hi Gasmii--

It's the Season Finale! I thought I would be more excited, since writing double blogs (I also do Melrose Place, which should be way more fun than it is) has wreaked havoc with my social life, other projects, and amount of sexual activity. When Flipit asked me to do MP, he thought there were only two RHOA left, but this season has had a whopping 13 episodes, and that's not including any Reunion shows or Lost Footage specials!

But now I fear I will miss these selfish crazy bitches (and Kandi), not to mention all of you. So we'll see what slots (and sluts) become available. My BF Martin is leaving for a month (I'm sorry, Marti, but 24 days is a month) AND I have insomnia, so it might be the perfect storm for me to take on ANOTHER 2nd blog. We'll see...

OK, you will love this episode, so let's get naked and smoke!

Posted by Leia LaBiblia at 7:29 PM | Permalink | Comments (6)

Hola Gasmii-- Only one more episode until the Season Finale. I know you have tragic tykes in runaway balloons to worry about, so let's skip the chit-chat this week and plunge right in.

Posted by Leia LaBiblia at 12:23 AM | Permalink | Comments (18)

Hey Gasmii--

We're already on the 11th episode of this delicious trainwreck and who knows when it will end. Maybe tonight. But even if this is the finale, which I doubt, there have to be one or two Reunion shows immediately after brimming with shameful concentrated cattiness. And I still have to caption my Melrose Place blog photos then post it, take out the recycling, call my abuela in San Juan and go see Paranormal Activity and watch my boyfriend Martin squirm and yell because these movies scare the bejesus out of him. Don't worry, he's all man-- he's from Australia and opens beer bottles with his teeth, which I tell him in an even, non-nagging tone to quit doing because, after all, he is a top fashion and underwear model. Alright, let's party!

Posted by Leia LaBiblia at 5:55 PM | Permalink | Comments (8)

Hey Hey Gasmii!

The hot topic of the season has turned out to be how much of a twat NeNe has become, and if she has any right to be miffed that gold-diggity Wigger Kim yanked back her offer to let NeNe record with her on "Tardy For the Party", the tasty pop confection Kandi spun from the groanable country demo Kim's obnoxious daughter Brielle's elderly guitar teacher gave to Kim last year in the hopes she'd include it on her much-hyped, ill-fated debut CD that super-producer Dallas Austin had been conned into doing by Kim's married sugar daddy Big Poppa.

To very briefly summarize, YES the song would have a lot more appeal to Real Housewives fans the more Housewives participated in it. And YES, Kim is a huge bitch for kicking NeNe off the project the second Kim realized Kandi and her creative team could make Kim's voice sound the slightest bit decent. But YES, NeNe has been an out-of-control wack-ass cunt this entire season as far as Kim's concerned, so YES she's getting what's coming to her.

Let's see what happens next!!!

Posted by Leia LaBiblia at 9:38 PM | Permalink | Comments (15)

Hola Gasmii!

Tonight's episode is so crammed with bad behavior let's not waste any time and dive right in! And here's a fun drinking game you may wanna try. Every time you hear the words "Independence Party" or "all about me", do a shot. But be sure to select a designated TiVo operator because you are gonna get SO fucked up!

Posted by Leia LaBiblia at 7:39 PM | Permalink | Comments (34)

Hi Gasmii-- It's another action-crammed episode of RHOA, with special emphasis on how selfish Kim is, how talented Kandi is, and how insecure NeNe is. There's blood, sweat and tears. There's a pop song hook that gets stuck in your brain and keeps repeating itself when you're trying to write your Melrose Place blog for TVGasm. There's just no Ed. Well, practically none. And Msjaqmills, I went and watched that Bravo extra video you mentioned and was whorified to discover Ed never gets around to shucking down for the camera! Girl. I felt like a fag hag on prom night! So, yes, Gasmii, some things never change. On with the ho's!

Posted by Leia LaBiblia at 11:57 PM | Permalink | Comments (20)

Hi Gasmii--

Before we plunge in, let me me offer besos mojados to all my loyal, grateful, clever readers, especially those who take the time to make comments. And especially ReeseWitherspoon & Renata, who are official Angels of Snark. I heart you both!!!!

I wanted to answer all the comments individually last week, but I just started the recaps for Melrose Place here at TVGasm, AND my Hamptons trip spun out of control when my brother-in-law's gay cousin's boyfriend showed up at brunch with four house seats to Mary Poppins, the Walt Disney Broadway musical in which he plays a dancing nude statue. I know, my interest level perked right up, too, so I grabbed my boyfriend, niece Emilia and nephew Rodrigo, jumped on the jitney and ended up in Manhattan. If you're there or visiting, go eat a panini at this teeny little amazing cheap cafe in the Village called 'Ino and hope that the beautiful, friendly Aaron is working! He knows his Italian taste sensations and has the face of a Titian angel.

And the other thing I learned is that showing kids episodes of A&E's Hoarders is the perfect way to scare them into cleaning their rooms. Oh, and the statues' asses were all stellar. Now let's see what our favorite rotten peaches (and Kandi) are up to!

Posted by Leia LaBiblia at 1:50 PM | Permalink | Comments (21)

Happy Labor Day Gasmii--

Your recap artist feels like a Real Housewife herself this week! No, I'm not pimping a tell-all autobiographical cookbook/weight loss/etiquette guide. Or paying cash for a tract mansion that looks like a Neapolitan bordello. Or even mopping the floor with a party-planner with anger-management/sexual orientation issues. I'm just in the Hamptons at my sister's house hanging out with my adorable nephew and niece Rodrigo and Emilia. If you think it might be difficult concentrating on one's blog while two hyperactive Puerto Rican/Israeli tots play Wii on a 65-inch plasma in the same room, you clearly haven't asked your orthopedic surgeon brother-in-law for a meds-samples ceviche. Who even knew there was such a thing as Vicoprofen, let alone that it went so well with mojitos?

Oh, in case you're expecting a baby boy anytime soon, don't circumcise him! When a Jewish surgeon tells me there's absolutely no compelling medical reason to futz with the foreskin, I don't argue.

Where we we? Where am I? Oh, that's right. Hamptons. Labor Day. Children. Atlanta. Recap.

Posted by Leia LaBiblia at 12:03 PM | Permalink | Comments (22)

Dearest Gasmii--

It's too damn hot out to waste time with an opening monologue from your recap artist. Besides, let's face it, there's very little going on this season. I would prefer they'd have made the entire thing about Sheree terrorizing everyone en route to her long-unawaited fashion show. Although I do love Kim slowly encroaching on poor innocent Kandi's life, career and soul.

Someone please get me a Jamba Juice Strawberry Surf Rider with a shot of Absolut Ruby Red. Thanks!

Posted by Leia LaBiblia at 12:02 AM | Permalink | Comments (11)