Welcome back to the ATL for another installment of the Real Housewives! I'm not gonna lie, this week was a buzzkill. NeNe's sad, and when NeNe's sad, whoooooo Lord, I am too. Luckily, we have Kimmie's cigarette fueled music ambitions and DeShawn's gala that's sure to end up netting her three to five for fraud to take our minds off it a little bit. Grab yourselves an icy cold Co-Cola, and here we go.
OMG!!! IT'S CARRIE UNDERWOOD! Wearing a small child on her head....
The first housewife (and I think we're really stretching it, cause she's more of a compensated mistress, but I love her anyway) is my girl, Kim. Yay! I wish it was just the Kim & NeNe show. Kimmie's getting airbrushed for a photo shoot. I think I hear her say she's twenty-nine. I take it with a grain of salt. My Grandma used to say that too.
Yay for me! I'm finally old enough to get a drivers license!
Then she gets on the phone with the mysterious Big Poppa...and we find out something new, which is that Big Poppa is famous! I am dying to know who he is. Kimmie tells us he's a great friend and more to the point, a great provider. She also throws in "kind", just in case he's watching. Then she tells us it's true love. Yup, nothing says real deal like a guy who won't go out in public with you.
Mia, Kim's nanny and personal assistant - what the hell does Kimmie need an assistant for? Or a nanny for that manner? It's not like she's a working Mom. Whatever, still love her. Anyway, Mia opens the door to a huge shipment of shoes from Dior. I love how everyone in Atlanta is too busy to actually go shoe shopping in a store. It's the telltale sign of money and class.
Kimmie immediately tosses a few pairs of shoes for having heels that are too low. Did I tell you we'd mesh or what? She's puffing away on a cigarette and talking about how Big Poppa foots the bill for everything. But she's in it for the kindness, you know.
The fancy straw wigs are just a perk.
Then she heads out, back in the Range Rover (seriously, will we ever see the Escalade again?), off to her photo shoot. First, she tells us she wants all eyes on her, then she tells us she doesn't want to be known for big boobs and blonde hair. Well, that's obvious from the twenty pounds of weave and the push-up bras busting through her too-tight shirts. Also, from the way she lifts up her skirt in the photo shoot.
So what does she want to be known for? Country music, of course! I know, what? She wants everyone to know who she is, which in Kimmie's eyes is someone similar to Carrie Underwood. Yes, Kim. Multiply Carrie Underwood's weight and age by seven, and you're her twin.
Like twins! One just came out 29 years later.
Kimmie's about to go into the recording studio, which she's never done before, with Dallas Austin. Okay, even I know who this is. He's super big time. What he's doing with Kim can only be explained...by Big Poppa! Who is this guy?
Next up is DeShawn, who's having dinner with a bunch of ladies at her house, and "rastrategizing" for the benefit that they're putting on for the DeShawn Snow Foundation. The foundation is for teenage girls with self esteem issues. Okay, of course I support philanthropy, but really, what teenage girl doesn't have self esteem issues? Now there's a foundation for it? Her motto is that "every girl is a diamond". They're all diamonds in the rough, and DeShawn is there to refine them. "If I can prevent one girl from making a mistake," DeShawn says...then yes, you've justified this bullshit foundation. Someone needs to find out how many cents on the dollar go to the DeShawn Snow Foundation, and how many to the ever elusive "administration". I'm serious.
Shoulda called DeShawn, skank.
There's so much she wants to do, she tells us, but she needs the funds. For what? To maintain an "office"? Cause all we see foundation-wise is DeShawn sitting around chatting about teen girls. Where's the money going? And then we find out that DeShawn's trying to raise a million dollars! A million dollars! I can not imagine what this kind of money would be spent on, but I've seen DeShawn's house and her pathetic need for staff, and something's smelling rotten in the state of Georgia.
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Comments (19)
Did you hear Kim's voice when she was singing along? Yikes! It sounded like a wounded dog... who smokes a lot of cigarettes.
1 of 19 | Posted by Snootchy Bootches | Posted on October 25, 2008 8:32 AM
The minute I heard the song title "Tardy for the Party" I knew it would be featured prominently in the recap. I love it!! I actually kind of felt bad for the old guy because everyone was ripping his tunes on national television.
I also liked how we "conveniently" saw DeShawn's check for $15,000 at her church. Something tells me that when people tithe there not supposed to broadcast it.
2 of 19 | Posted by Reesewitherspoon | Posted on October 25, 2008 9:55 AM
i know that you are torn up by ne ne's dad situation. but i can't believe that you didn't remark on the way heart was spelled in the letter- the camera did a quick focus on it. it was spelled haert or hert to that effect. it was good times for me in the moment of ne ne's sadness.
i love how all the women mispronounce words all over the place- way to pick up on that chickbomb. it is good times. jewrly.
3 of 19 | Posted by reckless_saturn_11 | Posted on October 25, 2008 10:43 AM
Everytime I hear DeShawn and/or Sheree say "AKS" instead of "ask" I die a little inside.
I love how DeShawn is like I LOVE GOD, I GIVE MY CHURCH TONS OF MONEY and then holds a huge gala that she'll write off on her taxes as a charity event for her sham foundation. She can be a big retard all the wants with her fake foundation, but don't make a mockery out of religion.
4 of 19 | Posted by cherin | Posted on October 25, 2008 2:15 PM
" love how all the women mispronounce words all over the place- "
It's how a lot of people in the south who happen to be in the ghetto pronounce words.
Shows that marrying into an athlete or a sugar daddy cannot remove the shitstains of the ghetto.
5 of 19 | Posted by yeschef | Posted on October 25, 2008 5:05 PM
I just can't get over how someone's dying the old left over hooker wardrobe from deadwood bright colours and then selling it to Kim!
Must be laughing all the way to the bank!
Also Sheree looks right at home at a transgender event... NeNe is cool, and Deshawn kind of makes me sick....
Great Recap!
6 of 19 | Posted by sammy64 | Posted on October 25, 2008 5:07 PM
Wordo nthe street is that Big Poppa is Quincy Jones. Which makes absolute sense given the connection to Dallas Austin. Also listen carefully to his voice. Sounds like Quincy to me!!1
7 of 19 | Posted by ify2vn | Posted on October 25, 2008 6:26 PM
And Lisa is having a party of her own, it's called the Make-Up Bar. You basically get your make-up done, and get drunk. Hmmm, perhaps I'd mesh with her too. It's the new hot thing in Atlanta. Can someone please bring this to LA?
Look up the Beauty Bar, they have Martinis and Manicures.
8 of 19 | Posted by jerseygirl | Posted on October 26, 2008 5:17 AM
how come most of the women that are picked for real housewives look like they are transgender? they only ones that didn't were the women from new york. kim looks especially like one.
9 of 19 | Posted by reckless_saturn_11 | Posted on October 26, 2008 7:05 AM
reckless_saturn_11 I believe that these rich women equate giant hair and 3 inches of makeup to class. therefore the more money their husbands have, the more ginormous the hair and horrid the makeup.
(for example, DeShawn is so classy she even has her own hair studio)
10 of 19 | Posted by cherin | Posted on October 26, 2008 1:50 PM
Of course I want to know who Big Poppa is, but not as much as I want to know why Kim has a Big Poppa. She doesn't fit the profile, kwim?
11 of 19 | Posted by DaffyMaiden | Posted on October 26, 2008 2:46 PM
She has a "big poppa" because she can suck a golf ball through a garden hose. You know she works hard for that money, taking care of "little poppa" in ways Mrs. Poppa won't
12 of 19 | Posted by JasonR | Posted on October 27, 2008 8:28 AM
Awww, ChickBomb, you ARE beautiful (and I'm not just saying that because you gave me a shout-out in your recap... I'm saying it because I've met you in person and we had that awesome fight about whether or not Ne-Yo is gay, and now we're bonded forever and ever, m'kay?).
I have to say I totally agree with you when they come with the serious drama... it fucks up the powers of observation through my bitchy-goggles, and I may be a lot of things (fat, hairy, soul-killing day job, spends too much time around drag queens) but I will not rip on someone going through something incredibly painful dealing with paternity, it hits too close to home.
Shereé should stay far, far away from Miss Gay Continental or Miss Gay Entertainer Of The Year... seriously, I thought maybe I had seen her performing earlier this year at the national competition, that mug of hers is hard... I'd kill to be standing nearby when someone would ask her how she tucks her penis away so well...
As for DeShawn, well, if you're going to be helping young girls with their self-esteem problems, what better way to do it than to teach them how to be completely and totally self-centered and shallow? It's only people who pay attention to others and think below the surface level who have self-esteem problems...
Love to you ChickBomb, keep up your awesome work... I'm totally thinking about watching this episode the next time it comes on Bravo...
love & huggles,
xoxoxo
J-Mo :)
P.S. Doesn't it change the whole title when I add just one little apostrophe to 'tardy To The Party? LOL!
13 of 19 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on October 27, 2008 9:54 AM
This was a sad one! I felt so bad for NeNe. I wanted to reach through the TV and give her a big hug.
Notice how Kim is going on and on about making an album, but she won't sing for the camera? Not once did we get to hear her sing. Hmm....
14 of 19 | Posted by norwego | Posted on October 27, 2008 11:34 AM
chickbomb, i heart your recaps oh so much. and i love nene, the world cannot get enough nene.
j-mo, i was totally thinking the exact same thing about 'tardy to the party. every time i read it i could only think of the *other* kind of tardy!!!
xoxox
15 of 19 | Posted by AuJew | Posted on October 27, 2008 12:25 PM
Love the recap ChickBomb but you glossed over the best part sweetie. Not only did NeNe say "We gon' start this bitch off a $2.00" she then went on to do a mock auction saying "you got 2.00, I want 2.00, this bitch 2.00" O, where do I nominate NeNe for our next National Treasure. A democratic ticket with NeNe and ChickBomb, and Gregg as the Secretary of Awesome..I tear up at the thought
16 of 19 | Posted by Fayellis1 | Posted on October 27, 2008 1:59 PM
Hey chickbomb,
I'm still really confused about this whole 'weave' thing, im still a little hazy about what they are and how they work (id never even heard of them till I went to the states haha), would you be able to maybe point out next recap with a sweet ms paint arrow on a picture of Kim where her real hair ends and the weave begins? Im perplexed and intrigued!
Cheers!
Sam
17 of 19 | Posted by sammy64 | Posted on October 27, 2008 7:48 PM
The whole time i was hearing Tardy for the Party I seriously thought it was 'Tardy for the Party. It wasn't until I read the recap that I realized it wasn't meant that way.
18 of 19 | Posted by flowie623 | Posted on October 28, 2008 9:13 AM
I about spit my wine all over the TV when Kim announced that she's 29. Honey, you are at least 40, don't kid yourself.
Also, did anyone else notice the HUGE sweat stains sported by Sheree's hairdresser? It was like one of those Sure/Unsure commercials from back in the day.
19 of 19 | Posted by LAjane | Posted on October 28, 2008 1:06 PM