Hi Gasmii--
I'll let Bravo executive spokesmodel Miss Thing Andy Cohen open us up today in classic overwrought style: "After a season of controversy and betrayal, surprising new alliances, shocking twists of fate, boys in high heels and a one-hit wonder, Part One starts tonight!" But don't get too excited. Up until the last few minutes, it's kinda snoozy.
If you don't live in Southern California, skip down to the recap. But if you do, you're in for a huge treat. The L.A. Gay & Lesbian Center presents their outrageous live game show parody The Mis-Match Game, in which some of the funniest and most twisted local performers impersonate a celebrity panel trying to match contestants for semi-valuable prizes. This Saturday, November 7, the special guest star is Julie Brown! No, not the plastic surgery casualty ex-VJ, the white talented one! I have been a crazed Julie Brown fan since her novelty record "The Homecoming Queen's Got A Gun" came out when I was in junior high, and I especially love her playfully vicious Madonna Truth Or Dare spoof Medusa: Dare To Be Truthful.
Hold onto your weaves: Julie will be playing Kim Zolciak from RHOA! The promo materials for the show state that she's playing Paula Abdul, but my boyfriend's her assistant's brother, and I have it confirmed that since Julie is obsessed with RHOA, she's switchin' it up and doing Kim. Google The Mis-Match Game at the Renberg Theatre, which is near Santa Monica & Highland in Hollywood and be there Saturday night at 8 PM. It's a benefit for the Center's Cultural Arts Program. Maybe I'll get chosen to be a contestant. Or maybe YOU will!
Miss Thing welcomes the assembled Housewives and us to the "home of the hottest parties in town, Atlanta's historic Opera nightclub". He says it's exciting "and a little scary" to have all five Wives together in one room. Kandi has already had enough of Miss Thing's tired, passive-aggressive hype and asks him what's so scary about it. "It's been such a drama-filled season!" MT lisps, apparently unwilling to just come out and say that NeNe, Kim and Sheree are all quite capable of physically assaulting him.
In the wide shot, it looks like Sheree has a huge bruise halfway up her calf. Maybe it's a tattoo, but it's more likely one of the "boys", her Gay Lawrence, snapped and kicked her hard with his high heel for selling him out before the She by Sheree show in the season finale last week. Miss Thing's first order of bidness-- new hair. NeNe's is short and dark and sassy on one side, with highlighted bangs flipping over the other side of her forehead. MT also comments on Lisa's Farrah Fawcett do and asks if she's wearing her clothing line, Closet Freak. Of course, Lisa chirps, as Sheree rolls her eyes. Sheree says she's NOT wearing HER line-- "you guys brought in a stylist so I'm wearing Dolce & Gabbana." (BTW, it's a tatt.)
Miss Thing welcomes Kandi, who's "been through a horrible few weeks." Kandi admits it's been "crazy", and says she's okay and trying to stay as busy as possible. MT promises to keep her very busy. Kim says she's wearing "the prototype" for her wig line, and tells MT she won't be tossing this one in the trash after tonight. It's human hair, not one of her disposable synthetics. MT starts the clips rolling with Sheree, who's the "ultimate juxtaposition-- a classy bad-ass." Sheree preens at this label and we go into her package:
Sheree tells us what an independent, upscale, elegant, grown-ass woman she is, as she poses for her giant portrait, mixes it up with Kim, Dwight and...
...Anthony the party-planner...
...and fires a pistol.
Miss Thing wants to know who "Pookie and them" are, referring to the people "a girl from Cleveland" calls when she wants to order up an ass-whuppin. Sheree says this is a "figure of speech" and could mean a brother, cousin, or thuggy friend. MT asks if Sheree has "a Pookie" in her cell phone, and she says "I'm sure I could find a couple Pookies". MT asks if the frequent appearances of her inner Cleveland girl were a result of Sheree "becoming more comfortable" this season. Comfortable, psychotic, same diff. Sheree explains that she felt she "was being challenged and taken to a place where I don't like to go." Yes, the real world is a much colder, uglier place than the one in your head where you're "Atlanta's #1 fashion designer".
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Comments (10)
I just want to add my two cents on Kim's claims about her hair loss. I have a thyroid problem also. I have hypothyroidism. I never paid much attention to other symptoms until I noticed my hair getting thin. I had just turned 30 when I noticed I could practically see my scalp when I looked in the mirror. It was just in the front only so far back, where my bangs were. When I would wash my hair, it was awful how much would fall out. I was totally freaked! I looked into getting those clip-in bangs before I knew what was wrong. But, my hair was too thin to do that, you could see exactly where the fake hair began. I decided to finally go to the doctor and found out what was going on. Now, having said all that and making it seem like I do sympathize with Kim, my hair totally filled right back in once I started taking the medicine that was prescribed to me. So, I don't know if Kim used wigs in the mean time and decided that she liked them or if after last year's crap story insinuating cancer, she just googled "female hair loss" and picked a prognosis for herself to seem more credible, but I do know that thyroid problems cause hair loss.
1 of 10 | Posted by brattygrl | Posted on November 2, 2009 10:19 PM
Sooo LL, I must say I wasn't too impressed with this recap. I read through the first few pages and just saw an entire summary of what I already watched. What's the deal? Where is your usual snark? There was literally, like, 99% summary. So sad. =[
2 of 10 | Posted by chickadee2586 | Posted on November 2, 2009 10:41 PM
I'm interested to see that in reunion, part deux, Andy Fairy and Dwight appear in the same room...I wasn't certain they weren't the same person.
3 of 10 | Posted by NotWithoutMyTV | Posted on November 3, 2009 3:44 AM
LLB ~ I miss your awesome references to your modeling days and talk of hottie bf Martin! Your snark is one of the best and I always look for your recaps to enjoy a good LOL (that's for you Miss Thang). Can't wait for Part II of the reunion cuz you know Bravo likes to string us along like that.
4 of 10 | Posted by Fancy Pants | Posted on November 3, 2009 6:19 AM
I am really really sick of hearing NeNe's "I'm the child in this situation". You were a child 30 years ago. Now you are a grown ass woman, as I'm sure we've all heard you say once or twice. If you want a relationship with Curtis, pick up the phone and call him. If you don't - don't pick up the phone. Either way - quit whining about how you are the child in this situation.
5 of 10 | Posted by Mimo | Posted on November 3, 2009 7:33 AM
Kim's looking a bit fleshy. Why do they say, "I've been knowing her for 8 years?"
6 of 10 | Posted by crt123 | Posted on November 3, 2009 8:19 AM
"(something something)...did a flip that was real acrobatic/But I was crying so hard I couldn't work my InstaMatic." Loves Julie Brown!!!
Holy crap, is NeNe dumb. Not necessarily bad altogether, but just really effin dumb.
Love the way Ms Thang pressed Kim for details! She is so clearly, and deeply, full of shit that she knows what she says now will come back to haunt her later. Lie much? Bitter much? Hey Kim, sometimes hookers DO marry their johns...it could happen, cheer up.
Poor Kandi. As for Sheree and Lisa, meh. Doesn't mean I'm not anticipating Part Deux, though! Love you, LL!
7 of 10 | Posted by mick | Posted on November 3, 2009 9:34 AM
Hello, Kim and NeNe. Over here, look at me with your eyes. Are you listening? Put the cigarette out. OK. Now. You signed up for a reality show where you were encouraged to blow your natural tendency for drama all the fuck out of any sane proportion. It was your reason for being. You could proclaim that you wanted to avoid drama and negative people, as long as everybody knew you were full of shit. Now, at the reunion, it is not exceptable for you to decide you're not going to cough up dramtic details, or refuse to be drawn down Fairy Andy's Smirk Hole of Questions. He has a drama handle, and you just better get down on your knees and start cranking it.
You are media whores. You service the media (and I do mean "service" in that way), and in return, you get the attention you need. You are beyond pride, that's part of the deal. Heidi and Spencer know it; Kate Gosselin knows it, although she's too pig-headed to admit it. Now, it's time for you hos to learn it too.
8 of 10 | Posted by NotWithoutMyTV | Posted on November 3, 2009 12:46 PM
*stares in awe at NotWithoutMyTV* - holy smokes, I could not have articulated that thought any better. Well done!
9 of 10 | Posted by kara | Posted on November 4, 2009 8:47 AM
From what I hear around Atlanta, they kept their cool on the reunion b/c they felt it was a bit petty to go all crazy when Kandi had just lost her ex fiancee days earlier.
As for Andy asking Kim to take off her wig is a no no. I had to clutch my pearls at the thought. As a lady who wears wigs and extensions a request like that is rude. She has the wig on b/c she doesn't want people to see her hair. Yuck...I have defended Kim...I feel dirty.
10 of 10 | Posted by classy drunk | Posted on November 4, 2009 3:35 PM