Dear Gasmii--
This week Bravo gave us a "supersized" 75m installment of RHOA, along with a rerun of the 30m "Lost Footage" "special" where everyone attacked Kim and NeNe shrieked the all-time classics "CLOSE your legs to married men!" and "Hooker!" This on top of the Top Chef Las Vegas premiere, three electrifyingly bonkers episodes of Big Brother (one of my spies who works on the sitcom next door to the BB House tells me it's the hung-est year ever on BB, with super-hunks Jeff and Russell, and departed cuties Braden and Casey all possessing massive meat--- que gustoso!) and the Project Runway premiere on Lifetime. No wonder I didn't have time to personally answer all your very kind and enthusiastic comments and fan mail. But it was either that or shave my legs, and sadly my beautiful Gasmii are not having sex with me. Yet.
We open at Lisa's new tract mansion's home-gym, where she's enjoying a work-out with hubby Ed. Lisa says it's tough to get back into exercising "when you haven't been doing it", but the sight of cuddly Ed in a tight black tank flexing his enormous tattooed arms would be enough to motivate doughy BB closet-case dorkwad Ronnie to get physically fit. Ed takes a call from an Asian lady, who turns out to be his mother-in-law Victoria Wu. Lisa interviews that she's from Los Angeles, where her parents still live and are constantly pressuring her to visit. This time it's a 92nd birthday party for Lisa's grandma next weekend, which Lisa can't say no to. Unfortunately Ed has "an important meeting" and will have to miss it. Even more unfortunately, this show was taped several months ago, otherwise I'd have already booked myself on JetBlue to Atlanta in order to pose as a ridiculously attractive female NFL team owner and offer to trade Ed the contract of his choice for, you know... Yes, chocolate penis.
You've reached the Linea Latina... for naughty Puerto Rican recap artists, press 1...
Mom spontaneously suggests without any prompting from producers that Lisa bring along NeNe, whom, Lisa interviews, Mama Wu has "talked to on the phone" and absolutely adores. Done! As Ed performs bench-presses, Lisa explains that her brother Andre wants Lisa to accompany him to their late 50-something party-boy brother Miho's grave. Lisa interviews that Miho died last year under still-murky circumstances having something to do with mixing alcohol with "medications". Lisa tells Ed she's not ready to deal with Miho's passing and that seeing his grave will make it all too real for her. Ed supportively tells her it's fine to take her time. Before we can enjoy some squat-thrusts or any other muscle-pumping eye candy, we tragically cut to:
OMG, he DOES have a twin!
Thank you, Jesus!
Kim hangs out at home with her daughters, 7-year-old Ariana, 12-year-old Brielle, and Tania (their white nanny, not Sheree's obnoxious African-American ex-model pal who got drunk last week and insulted NeNe and Lisa for being plus-size and having swimmer's hair, dis-respectively). Kim interviews that she didn't employ a nanny "for the first five years" but now that she's found someone she "loves", she's "able to enjoy some of the parts of life" Kim "gets to enjoy"... like the part where you're a boozy, neglectful floozy?
"Yeah, I got a naked horny midget on my lap. Who the fuck cares? Get over it."
Kim tells us they've only had Tania five days, then everyone starts arguing about Ariana's grammar homework and what constitutes a verb. Brielle thinks the word "sightseeing" is an adjective, and Kim agrees, declaring it a "catch-22". Tania is similarly clueless, but has the excuse of English not being her native tongue. Kim orders Brielle to "say your prayer in Spanish", which she does, accompanying herself with a sassy little shimmy, to the horror of Tania, who says "You're both gonna go to hell." Kim and the girls are shocked at this pronouncement! "So Tania says Brielle's going to hell because she RAPS a prayer shaking her booty?! Who the fuck cares? Get over it."
Guess who's not adopted.
Kim vents to her assistant Myleik that telling her kids they're going to hell is a big no-no and that Tania is the one who's gonna be going to unemployment hell. Cut to:
WHAT? Black velvet Elvis and "Dogs Playing Poker" were sold out!
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Comments (11)
Oddly, I agree with Dwight. Kandi is a nice young woman, but I have my doubts about AJ. I can sympathize with her mom's feelings, but her attitude is inexcusable. I asked my mom once what she would do if I was going to marry someone she hated, and she said she'd be supportive because if things didn't work out she'd want me to be able to come to her.
Maybe AJ is on the phone and texting all the time with his "baby mamas."
1 of 11 | Posted by pixielated | Posted on August 23, 2009 10:27 PM
Sheree's daughter Tierra is from a previous relationship. big controversy last season behind the scenes bc sheree thought it looked bad that she had a 20something daughter (meaning sheree herself was a teenage mother) so in pictures and interviews, tierra was labelled and sherees friend. people found out and sheree tried to backtrack but really she just ended up looking like an a$$
2 of 11 | Posted by kmvbs8 | Posted on August 24, 2009 9:31 AM
labelled AS sheree's friend
3 of 11 | Posted by kmvbs8 | Posted on August 24, 2009 9:35 AM
Haha, I also giggled at the name Tierra. Also, there's a model on the model show after Project Runway named "Matar". I'm so goggling a baby name to make sure it doesn't have a horrendous meaning in some other language, before I decide naming my kid that.
I can't deal with Kim's daughter, she is extra annoying. I'll take double doses of Kim any day before having to watch Brielle mugging at the cameras for attention.
4 of 11 | Posted by Nimabu | Posted on August 24, 2009 10:59 AM
BTW, kuddos Leia on your hilarious screenshots. The first one of Sheree is just priceless!!! Jajaja, casi me meo!!!
5 of 11 | Posted by Nimabu | Posted on August 24, 2009 2:26 PM
Does Brielle have missing teeth?
6 of 11 | Posted by pixielated | Posted on August 24, 2009 3:43 PM
LOVE your recaps!! I really don't like NeNe this season. She seems extra fake and trying way to hard. She is sooo jelous of Kandi, who like alot of people said, is the only "houswife" that actually has her own money. I hope NeNe stops playing it up for the cameras and goes back to being the NeNe everybody fell in love with last season. I also can't stand big giant Brielle.
7 of 11 | Posted by Poopsicle | Posted on August 25, 2009 8:37 AM
I agree about NeNe. I was so disappointed in her for talking trash about Kandi's singing. Why trash talk somebody? She came off looking so bad. And THE POT CALLING THE KETTLE BLACK calling Kandi GHETTO?! WHAT?!
I was disappointed in NeNe, Lisa, and Sheree at the King Tut thing. Kim was actually behaving herself and was having a private conversation with Kandi. The other 3 looked bad to me and like they were starting drama by making fun of her. For people who don't like drama, they didn't seem to have a problem with it that night. I thought Kim came off the best at the event b/c she didn't let them get to her.
On another topic: Did anyone notice when Brielle called Kim after the nanny left she said, "You still get your period right?" Or something to that effect. Is Kim already experiencing Menopause at "30"? LOL!
8 of 11 | Posted by thatswhatshesaid | Posted on August 25, 2009 12:02 PM
"Did anyone notice when Brielle called Kim after the nanny left she said, "You still get your period right?" Or something to that effect. Is Kim already experiencing Menopause at "30"? LOL!"
-Either that, or BigPoppa had her neutered...
9 of 11 | Posted by Nimabu | Posted on August 25, 2009 12:55 PM
Sheree from RHOA came into my restaurant today!! Very pleasant, poor grammar, and much shorter than expected...about 5'0"
10 of 11 | Posted by spreadhead | Posted on August 27, 2009 3:24 PM
I LOVE that you noticed her poor grammar. Every time these women say "axed" for "asked" or "jury" for "jewelry" I die a little inside.
11 of 11 | Posted by TheVoiceOfReason | Posted on August 29, 2009 10:59 AM