TVgasm Recaps

Dear Gasmi,

Like a good little Easter Bunny, Bravo delivered a special holiday treat this week. The preview for the Housewives of New Jersey. Woohoo!! These women are in a class all their own.

There's a few things I want you to take care for me. What should I call them; problems! I Want you to make them disappear, if you get what I mean, capice!

I've been so excited about this season that I was even inspired to research an appropriate drink. I'm told that Disaronno is a favorite of the Mafia so I think it's safe to say that it will work for the New Jersey casalingas.

Dear Gasmi,

This week we start our journey into the totally legit, in no way mob connected, lives of the Manzo family women. They've got hair, bubbies, and wads of cash all standing at the ready to flash across our TV screens.

So grab your straws and your tarted up drinks and settle in because these women are nothing if not an acquired taste.

Dear Gasmi,

This week our ladies find time between money laundering and pasta making to do some parenting, Jersey style.

I've got my red wine, my plastic cup and my twisty straw, but I'm pretty sure that by the end of this episode the cup is going to be irrelevant and I'm going to be sucking wine straight out of the bottle...

Dear Gasmi,

This week we learn about Lauren's waxing phobia, the lengths that a modeling agency will go to for free advertising, and the detrimental effects of botox on oral sex.

I've got my chianti in the straw covered bottle (shouts out to njgasmifan) and I'm ready to go. Getting rid of the straw and the glass is definitely helping things along...

Dear Gasmi,

This week: homophobia, xenophobia, and just plain vileness rule the housewife universe. Given the choices, I'm rooting for the batshit crazy chick.

Warning: This episode should not be watched without reinforcements. So, if you have it, grab it. Even if you're reduced to chugging mouthwash. Believe, you, me, you're going to need it!

Dear Gasmi,

After a week of nursing my son through the flu, I caught it. I'm writing this recap under the influence of a crapload of Nyquil mixed with a medicinal hot toddy. Woohoo!!! I'm apologizing in advance for any major typos. It's hard to keep track of the keyboard when the room is spinning.

Dear Gasmi:

Sadly, I never recovered from my flu. I am in fact dead. I'm also determined to drag my sorry decomposing carcass out of my grave to finish off this season for you.

Dear Gasmi,

This is it! Part two of the joyous reunion between the New Joisey housewives. It's also the longest infommercial evah for a book!

Dear Gasmi,

It's time to take the jump down the rabbit hole and enjoy the mind-bending bizarro world that occurs when the separate realities of five seriously insane housewives collide.

Make that six.