Dear Gasmi,
Like a good little Easter Bunny, Bravo delivered a special holiday treat this week. The preview for the Housewives of New Jersey. Woohoo!! These women are in a class all their own.
I've been so excited about this season that I was even inspired to research an appropriate drink. I'm told that Disaronno is a favorite of the Mafia so I think it's safe to say that it will work for the New Jersey casalingas.
The problem with the Bravo previews is that the season will start and lo and behold the preview scenes will be recycled throughout the regular episodes. Recapping a previously recapped scene, and still trying to be original, is a pain in the tuchus. So please forgive me if I gloss over some scenes that I'm pretty sure are going to be reused.
That being said, we start off on a promising note with the ultimate MILF telling us that she grew up in Jersey her "whole life". You don't say? I would never have thunk it. Teresa tells us that she doesn't have the stereotypical big hair or nails. Well she doesn't actually say "stereotypical", that's kind of implied. I'm not sure stereotypical is in Teresa's vocabulary, she's more of single syllable girl. But back to the hair, which I suspect is going to be an important theme among the NJ women.
Okay, I've got to admit it looks like she's sporting some pretty big hair and nails to me, but what do I know? Teresa tells us that in high school she did have the big hair and nails and thought that she was the hottest thing, so I guess big is relative.
I've got to give the woman credit; she's got a figure to die for. Sadly, when God was endowing her he kind of skimped in the "boobies" department. Fortunately, he didn't skimp in the 'credit cards with really high limits' department.
Teresa's husband, Joe, is an "ass man" with the laudable belief that "a happy wife is a happy life" and if happiness means a new shiny pair of warm boobies, well then he's ready to support her. After all, new boobies aren't that much different from a new pair of Manolos, they just last longer.
In statement that's guaranteed to disappoint adolescent boys everywhere, Teresa assures us that her husband has "gawditt goinon", big shoulders and everything. I think we can all safely assume what the everything is. I'm also pretty sure a large number of my bear loving gay male friends will have found a whole new reason to watch the housewives.
Awesome. More spoiled real kids. Teresa happily inform us that her little girls are little divas just like their mother. What a surprise, her oldest daughter has "real" acting, dancing and modeling talent. Does that count as a triple threat? Maybe Teresa can call Crazy Eyes for some advice on that one. Note to TVAnnie--I'm thinking we might have a crossover!!!
Moving on from the resident MILF to Dina the Gold Digger.
Dina and her daughter moved to Jersey when Dina was divorced several years back and she and her daughter had to move into a room in her sister's house. Happily, Dina re-married and catapulted from her drab, car-less, single-room existence to a giant house and a Mercedes. Despite her good fortune, I'm thinking girlfriend's a little bitter. She's pretty happy to stress how "a lot of the women weren't welcoming" to her. I bet my gummi bears that somewhere in Jersey a small group of women are holed up glued to the TV screen watching this preview and praying that Dina isn't going to use her camera time to pay off some old scores.
Hello!! OMFG somebody shaved the friggin cat.
I'm thinking that this woman is totally going to redefine scary. Who am I kidding; all these women are scary...But, still, this woman is scaaarrrryyyy!! Dina is a former interior decorator turned event planner and she's trying to hire a new assistant. She interviews a completely terrified young man who bears an unfortunate resemblance to Howdy Doody with a fauxhawk.
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Comments (12)
Won't watch this version (either), but thanks for a very funny recap!
1 of 12 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on April 13, 2009 10:11 AM
I watched this preview with my hands half over my eyes...couldn't turn it off, but it was too scary to watch with both eyes open.
This show is every sane New Jerseyian's nightmare. But I will be watching, and waiting for Yenta's great recaps - looks like you will have a LOT to work with here, Yenta!
2 of 12 | Posted by njgasmifan | Posted on April 13, 2009 10:19 AM
I was kind of meh about this. I didn't particularly care for any of the women. I agree though that I feel a bit sorry for Chris's wife. She seems to have married into a family of women piranhas! We'll see if I actually watch....
3 of 12 | Posted by Thatswhatshesaid | Posted on April 13, 2009 10:56 AM
That cat is gonna give me nightmares.
That high school picture of Teresa destroys in one glance any inroads that have been made regarding Jersey Girl Hair.
Thanks for double giggles this week, Yenta!
SWAK, PottyMouth
4 of 12 | Posted by PottyMouth | Posted on April 13, 2009 11:24 AM
I got your drink, Yenta. Wine through a straw. I could have sworn that I saw Teresa doing that.
On second thought, most of the Italian women I know are White Russian girls. Or Mudslides. Heavy on the Vodka. Or white wine with ice in it. Yes, I am part Neapolitan.
Love ya, baby! Fuhgeddabahdit!
5 of 12 | Posted by twunty mcslore | Posted on April 13, 2009 1:10 PM
Twunty, sipping wine through a straw keeps it from staining your teeth, dont'cha know. Or your veneers.
I am disappointed at the hair size on this show. I was expecting some big Jersey hair. Dang. I guess that high school picture is gonna have to do it.
Maybe they'll have a Real Housewives of Dallas show and we'll see some big hair, Texas-style.
6 of 12 | Posted by pixielated | Posted on April 13, 2009 2:24 PM
Is that true, Pixielated? Because I have some expensive capped teeth to protect.
Naw, I can't. My friends wouldn't let me hear the end of it. I'll just double up on my dentist visits. Or switch to intravenous vodka. I'm probably going to need it with these girls.
7 of 12 | Posted by twunty mcslore | Posted on April 13, 2009 2:31 PM
This season is going to be so fun! Dina looked so familiar and I figured it out....she was on who's wedding is it anyway? and she spent so much money on her wedding but did almost back out and her husband would not stop inviting people (it ended up being over 300 people)! i cant wait for the drama altho i think new york is still my favorite and i have completely given up on the oc (but love the recaps just as well) thanks for the laughs!
8 of 12 | Posted by mynameisjenn | Posted on April 13, 2009 2:48 PM
This one will be fun. The spelling challenges and new nicknames, are just a couple of the things to keep my TV mush mind active. That's really sad.
Twunty-go ahead and use the straw, we won't laugh. I use one for my coffee for that reason (and also because I still manage to dribble on my blouse even with the sippy lid on).
9 of 12 | Posted by shantigal | Posted on April 13, 2009 8:15 PM
I gotta tell ya, these Joisey chicks got me a little scared! I'm not sure if I can deal with the naked cats, the search for the perfect bubbies, the black Amex cards and the pinky ring sportin' men. I wouldn't want to cross them! After all, they're tick as tieves!
10 of 12 | Posted by 2MUCHBRAVO | Posted on April 14, 2009 9:07 AM
New to this, but taking a stab at it. I sure hope they use alot of captions for the NJ housewives, or I might not know what they are discussing!
11 of 12 | Posted by Ava Lanche | Posted on April 14, 2009 1:08 PM
I'm so excited, and I didn't even know about the preview, thank goodness for Tivo! Got hooked with the Atlanta wives, watched last season of OC, still haven't watched New York yet, but give me time!! Just wish they would do Tulsa wives, where I live, it would be
high-larious!
12 of 12 | Posted by valmommyt | Posted on April 17, 2009 8:19 AM