Dear Gasmi,
This week we learn about Lauren's waxing phobia, the lengths that a modeling agency will go to for free advertising, and the detrimental effects of botox on oral sex.
I've got my chianti in the straw covered bottle (shouts out to njgasmifan) and I'm ready to go. Getting rid of the straw and the glass is definitely helping things along...
We start this week with Theresa's GPS threatening to file for divorce.
Seriously, if you can't read well enough to follow the signs from the Garden State Parkway into Manhattan then you best be listening to that box on your dashboard. Not surprisingly, Theresa and Gia are late for their kiddie appointment at the Wilhelmina Modeling Agency. Personally, I'm thinking that they might want to turn around now. After all things didn't turn out so well for the last Gia to model for Wilhelmina. That is unless you count being immortalized by Angelina Jolie after your death.
I'm totally loving that neither Theresa nor Gia have any idea why the heck the agency is named "Wilhelmina". Even if they don't know who Wilhelmina Cooper was, a wild-ass guess would be that "Wilhelmina" was the person that the agency was named after; maybe even a model since it's a modelling agency and all.
It's a damn good thing that Theresa has a host of cameras following them to their appointment. If there's one thing that ANTM has taught us, it's that the modeling world doesn't like people who are late. On the other hand, Theresa probably doesn't watch intellectual shows like ANTM. I'm betting she prefers shows with more pictures like the Home Shopping Network.
Sadly, Mother Bird is not impressed with Gia's comp cards and tells Theresa that they're too pageant like. Oooooohhhhh! Slam!!
With difficulty Mother Bird manages to convince Theresa that "pageant" is a bad word. As this newfound knowledge sloooowwwwlllly sinks in, Theresa realizes that, despite the $800.00 in cash that she shelled out for the comp cards, Gia is going to need new ones. This time without makeup and maybe with a small cabbage pinned to her blouse, because if Mother Bird is wearing it you know it's got to be chic.
Diva Dina is about to be reduced to a mere divette. That's what happens when you have a brother who's an even bigger, badder and probably bitchier diva.
Dina's brother Jamie is the celebrity chef of the recording industry, at least he is if his bio is honest and true. Dina tells us that he's on tour with a recording artist celebrity. She can't tell us which one but she assures us that they're REALLY big. I gotta wonder if Chubby Checkers is still touring? Big brother Diva out shopping for furniture, because that's what chefs do. I'm confused. Oh, silly me. Jamie is way too talented to be limited by a mere chef title. He's a chef/stylist who does everything, which has got to be great for those celebrities who don't mind occasional strands of hair in their food.
A helpful salesgirl offers that animal print is soooo in right now. Big brother Diva isn't interested in what's in; he's all about being ahead of the curve. I've got to say that I have a totally hinky feeling about this guy, so I'm really appreciative when Mama Manzo clarifies that the artsy side of Jamie is "almost psychotic crazy". Personally, I'm pretty sure that there's no "almost" about it and, while we're on the subject, I'm guessing that limiting the whole psychotic/crazy description to his "artsy side" isn't really doing Diva Jamie justice.
Back at the Diva-in-training's house, Dina bitches that her house is like a warehouse due to her overwhelming work schedule. Before I can muster up any sympathy for her, a tragedy strikes. Jamie yells "Rooster down! Rooster down!" And I'm immediately convinced that Dina's assistant had a stroke. After all a fauxhawk and a rooster's comb are pretty similar. But instead of an exploited abused body laying on the floor, theres only a butt ugly statue that was inspired to jump to its death. Boredom will do that to you. God only knows how often the poor rooster was forced to listen to Dina whining about the demands of work versus parenting.
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Comments (11)
Hooray for Chianti! Nothin goes better with cheap hos than cheap wine. Don't forget to stick a candle in the bottle and let it melt down the sides at your next dinner party.
Obviously these who-ores (shout out to Ralphie)are taxed. Being cheap, expensive, stupid, ostentatious and slutty all at once is no easy task.
I guess crime really does pay. Isn't juicy Joe in the construction/housing business? Even if this was filmed last year, I find it hard to believe that they are not feeling some sort of effect. Oh well, good for them if they're not.
Loved the recap Yenta, a gem in every paragrapgh.
shanti
1 of 11 | Posted by shantigal | Posted on May 31, 2009 8:36 AM
Hi Yenta, thanks for a great recap!
Jamie is working for Madonna on her "Sticky and Sweet" tour; His title is "Dressing Room Coordinator." Would he be the one who goes around with a photocopy of the contract rider on a clipboard and makes sure each room has the requisite number of Myrrhe Dyptique candles, Mallomars, a $500 bottle of Kristal, and organic wild-caught sunflower seeds? And when you are a "celebrity chef" aren't YOU the one who's the celebrity, like Wolfgang Puck, not the one who happens to COOK for a celebrity? I guess there are lots of "celebrity drivers" and "celebrity housekeepers" out there as well. Who knew? "Dressing Room Assistant" is Lisa Bruno. She definitely sounds like a member of the "fambly." I'll bet they are as thick as thieves.
If you want to read something funny, look at the customer reviews of Nina's ex's book on Amazon. The family isn't happy LOL! I can see the publisher rushing it back into print as we speak.
Can't wait till Tuesday!
~Floo
2 of 11 | Posted by FloOkY | Posted on May 31, 2009 10:50 AM
Dearest Yenta,
I'm almost afraid to comment on anything to do with the RHNJ hence the recent developments with reality tv. You know, Jon & Kate (Will Congress step in and regulate? Will reality tv be off limits for anyone with minor children?) and Nina's sordid past.
I have a sneaking supension that someone is gonna get whacked and I don't want it to be me. I also have a sneaking suspension that someone is gonna do time (Juicy Joe perhaps?)because Teresa keeps calling attention to herself with the wads of cash.
Did I mentioned that a storm in my area prevented me from watching the full episode on Tuesday night--twice, no less!! Just as the date night scene began my DirectTV went kaput. It happened at almost the same exact point when they repeated the episode. I missed Nina, in all her eloquence, saying "pussy".
It wasnn't even much of a storm. Oh well, I'll try again for the repeat on Tuesday and if it doesn't work out then I'll know it just wasn't meant to be.
As always, fantastic recap.
Thank you, dear Yenta!
guitarhero mom
3 of 11 | Posted by guitarhero mom | Posted on May 31, 2009 11:48 AM
AHEM
sus·picious. I'm pretty eloquent myself.
guitarhero mom
4 of 11 | Posted by guitarhero mom | Posted on May 31, 2009 11:59 AM
Dear Yenta,
Great recap Yenta dear.
It's still early in the show, but I'm really wondering about the whole Dina and Tommy marriage.
I'm not buying the story Dina offered about why her husband Tommy is not on the show. I will keep snooping around until I find more info. It just seems crazy that Tommy is never home and never with his wife and stepdaughter.
I guess there could be a reasonable explanation, so I'm not going to put any rumors out there until I see something with a little more proof. But there is a buzz about their marriage.
Can't wait until we have the big table flipping episode. I hope they all know how to take red wine and tomato sauce out of their craptastic fashions.
Love and luck,
TVannie
5 of 11 | Posted by AnneM | Posted on May 31, 2009 2:34 PM
I'm just waiting for the Real Housewives of Idaho.
6 of 11 | Posted by itchy | Posted on May 31, 2009 3:28 PM
Yenta!
I was giggling when Theresa was getting lost while using her GPS - I knew you'd have a field day with that one!
How hard up is Wilhelmina for models these days? I don't like to say mean things about children...........there I didn't say it, but you know what I'm thinking.
Love you and your recaps! I have a smile glued on my face the entire time I'm reading, and after recapping four and half hours worth of TV this week, I NEEDED to fucking smile.
Can't wait to see what goes down (ahem Danielle) this week with the whole book scandal coming out.
SWAK, PottyMouth
PS - Why isn't Lady B wearing panties?!?
7 of 11 | Posted by PottyMouth | Posted on May 31, 2009 7:20 PM
Thanks for the shout-out and for joining me in cheap wine this week, Yenta! Awesome recap as always - your comments about Teresa and the GPS, Lexi-who-cannot-make-a-bed, Diva and Nina are all spot-on!
Correct me if I'm wrong, but if a modeling agency really wants you, wouldn't they take their own photos, or at least suggest a good photographer? Mama Big Bird seemed to be giving the brush off to Teresa, but that went right over her teased and laquered head.
Nina's drama - I'm done, enough. She does suck the life from a room with her Drama Queen attitude. Sheesh, she was engaged 19 times and does not know when a guy is "just not that into you"? Puh-leeze - and her idea of dumping him at the dinner table was pathetic. So the other 2 couples can sit through your performance? She is coming off as desparate and delusional.
While I felt a bit sorry for Jacqueline, especially when Nina showed up to weep on her shoulder, she lets everyone (hubby included, apparently) treat her like a doormat. So this is the result. I'm sure her daughter loves being shown on national TV as having to go summer school - way to help that Mom/Daughter bond, Jacqueline!
Dina is a super bitch and I would steer a wide path around her. AnneM - I thought the hubby did not want to appear on this show after they had appeared on another reality show about their wedding - if you find more dirt, please share!
Have to say I did like Mama Manzo for her comment about not fitting in because she is natural - no plastic surgery, no botox - here I am, take it or leave it. Anyone taking bets on how long Lauren lasts in cosmotology school?
Yenta, I'm still drooling over your brisket description last week. Hope the Chianti goes well with it! Thanks for the laughs - hugs
8 of 11 | Posted by njgasmifan | Posted on June 1, 2009 9:00 AM
Hey Yenta, darling, I'm shvitzing in my pants here, this recap is just LOVELY. Plus, THANK YOU for the shirtless bear pic, that was beautiful, and if there are any more, please email them to me, okay?
love, J-Mo :)
9 of 11 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on June 1, 2009 1:36 PM
floo --- what book? Ninas ex wrote a book? What is the name of it or the name of her ex?
10 of 11 | Posted by ohralphie | Posted on June 1, 2009 8:48 PM
Yeaaah. Not quite understanding why Miz Van Horn was so insulted by the whole ‘cock’ comment during the lionization process. She was meeting Gucci Model after having only phone sex with him for 2 years. She wanted to sleaze off to the restroom with old/young shiny face. I have yet to hear her mention ANYTHING other than sex or money or how hot she claims to be. She’s just sore because Diva Dina knows how to sling the zingers, and she has NO. HUMOR. WHATSOEVER. AT. ALL. EVER. fail.
Sna—aps to Jacqueline and Theresa for calling her out about her wretched daughters and how they might feel. Nina don’t be liking the critiCALity coming from her bff’s. As much as I lust over Alfie and as much as I can’t look away from Diva, my favorite line of this epi was when Nina finally left Jacqueline’s house in a snit wearing her unflattering pants and Theresa says something like, “…and she totally ruined our play date”. LOL Theresa.
Yenta – you RULE for putting that shot of Lady B. up. YAAAAY!! Suck it, Nina – you got nothing on my girl.
11 of 11 | Posted by teambethany | Posted on June 2, 2009 6:45 AM