Oh, wait, the hamster isn't loose. It's dead and nobody thought to mention it to Lulu. Seriously, how much is this woman drinking during the day? I mean they had a frigging funeral for the little guy. I'm talking a grave and a cross. How do you miss that? Hell, it's not just the hamster she missed, the fish died as well. More to the point, if my kids' pets were dying off and they didn't mention it to me, I'd be really concerned. I hope somebody notices when Count No Neck finally passes away. Or maybe the kids will just bury him in the yard next to the hamster.
The Countess is relieved by the fuzzy little guy's demise, because she wasn't going to know what to do with it when Victoria went off to school. This is such total crap. The Countess wasn't going to get within two feet of the cage. You know Rosie was going to be the person taking care of him. Taking care of a hamster is way beyond what the Count-ass can manage in life, somewhere up there with laundry.
Lulu and Victoria retire to the deck to catch some sun and have a little mother/daughter bonding time. Lulu makes sure the cameras are rolling and then tells her daughter how happy and proud she is that she's going away to school, but she's sure that Victoria's going to have a great time. Victoria's all like "Hell Yeah! Get me out of this nightmare!" I'm thinking that homesickness isn't going to be much of an issue for this young lady.
Leaving the dis-Countess in the cheapness that is the Hamptons, we go to the ultra luxury of Brooklyn where Silex are living it up. Apparently, the much flaunted St. Barts vacay has already come and gone, with nary a photo shot in sight. It's almost like they went to all the trouble of packing up Simon's pink jeans, grabbed the kiddies, hopped in the car and drove once around the block before jumping out with a cheery "We're home!" No, not even the Bravo producers would be that sneaky. After all, as painful as it may be this is reality TV. But I do miss those touching family scenes from last season when Alex struggled to form a simple sentence in French and her children stared back at her in total confusion.
Of course, now that they're back the big question is 'how is their renovation is proceeding?'
They're kidding, right? Because, seriously, I'd be pissed as hell at my contractor if I came back to that mess. What? They didn't use a contractor? Silly me. Of course not. Alex and Simon are way too wise and experienced in renovations to bother with hiring a general contractor. Especially, when they're going to leave the country and leave the job site unsupervised for two weeks. Best idea ever. Who would have thunk that they would have come back to a complete nightmare? After taking a moment to attend to the pressing issue of reading out loud the social invites that arrived while they were gone, Alex comments on how surprised and disappointed they were by the state of their renovation when they returned.
Lulu has packed up and moved back to her townhouse, and Victoria has packed up and fled to boarding school, leaving Noel to cope as best as he can. Poor kid it's breakfast time on a school day and he's doing his best to make his school clothes look cool.
The Countess is doing her best to look like a concerned parent by asking to see his homework. I don't think she understands that a concerned parent usually sees it before it's done, but, hey, at least she's looking and I don't see any champagne bottles hanging out so we're doing pretty well. On the other hand, the smell of Aston's dog food is enough to send her in to a hissy fit, so maybe Rosie better mix up a quick mimosa just to keep the morning moving along in a peaceful manner.
And then we have one of those awkward moments when the Countess tries to look like the great egalitarian. Trying to look super casual she just happens to ask if Rosie is a Celine fan, because the Countess just went to a Celine concert. Rosie nods looking a little confused. Well, you know, the Countess totally would have taken Rosie to the concert, if only she had had an extra ticket. Because the Countess has no problem socializing with anybody, as long as Rosie walks two feet behind her, remembers to curtsy, and only speaks when spoken to.
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Comments (25)
What a relief! I didn't think I was going to get my Yenta fix this weekend but here you are.
I have to say 'sorry' for sending you that picture of Slade and Gretchen during your lunch. If I ever find anything that nasty to send to you again, I will do so at a more appropriate, less vomit inducing time. If that time even exists, of course.
Poor Bethenny, I don't know how she made it through that hideous dating advice from LuLu without gagging. Kudos to her, I would have been speechless, followed by mortified and then fallen over in my chair. I think that you nailed it on the head, she must be reading some effed up romance novel crap to beleive in those 50s era cultural stereotypes. That LuLoony was born missing the ability to be introspective or see anything from anyone else's point of view. How do you go through life like that? Oh, that's right. She's filthy rich so why should she give a rat's (or hamster's) ass.
Also, did you notice how long the hallway was outside of Kelly's apartment? That was some Shining shit right there. Creepy.
Thanks again, Yenta. Always look forward to your recaps. I'll eat some jelly beans for ya. Big kiss, Twunty
1 of 25 | Posted by twunty mcslore | Posted on March 22, 2009 11:50 AM
Does nobody else find it odd that Simon manages a hotel and yet they don't stay there during renovations?? Weird!
2 of 25 | Posted by illinigal | Posted on March 22, 2009 12:59 PM
"Does nobody else find it odd that Simon manages a hotel and yet they don't stay there during renovations?? Weird!
"
Well there are people quite capable of staying at places for free during renovations like their relatives yet often don't because they want to be there when the renovations are occuring.
Remember Simon is one of the rich who spends tens of thousands during a shopping trip on clothes they never wear or just wear once then toss out. Spending a night in a hotel while renovations are occuring wouldn't occur to them. Gasp spend time in a hotel when we have our own home in the city we aren't on vacation we are renovating our home.
3 of 25 | Posted by yeschef | Posted on March 22, 2009 2:20 PM
Yenta, I have a confession...I actually like Mario. He seems like a nice Italian man who could be from South Philly to me. In spite of that, I still crack up at your serial killer references. When I scrolled down the page and saw Ted Bundy I started laughing and said poor Mario. I also decided this week that Simon has officially been cast as a housewife. He gets as much air time as anyone else.
I am also dying at the fact that I read in People that Alex is 35?? Whhhhhhhaaaaa?
No way is she yonger than me. Maybe 45 but 35?
4 of 25 | Posted by tillee | Posted on March 22, 2009 4:44 PM
I, too, like Mario. Of course, I don't watch the show, so something might be lost in the translation.
I actually kinda like these women, other than Lulu. I'm not sure about Kelly. But the others seem to have jobs, interests, etc., unlike the freaks on RHOOC. I think all the hair dye and silicone and Botox has fried their brains.
All I can say about Gretchen and Slade is: they deserve each other. I always thought she was a shameless skank. And now she's found another one.
5 of 25 | Posted by pixielated | Posted on March 22, 2009 5:54 PM
Dear Yenta,
Your recaps are superb. I have to bow down to you, I can't even watch most of this show anymore because of Silex. It's just to sickening to see their co-dependent relationship.
But reading your recaps, makes it almost bearable.
Hey, I read that there will be a new show Real Housewives of New Jersey. And one of the women is Dina Manzo. She was featured on an episode of "My Big Fat Wedding". She married a guy named Tommy Manzo who runs a catering location called "The Brownstone". Dina ended up spending over $250,000 on flowers alone and you have never seen such a tacky, over the top, display in your life. The bouquet was the ugliest weirdest combination of things I've ever seen.
I can't wait for the fights on that show. One of the other wives is Dina's sister-in-law. It should be very fun and very Jersey.
Love you Yenta,
TVannie
6 of 25 | Posted by AnneM | Posted on March 22, 2009 9:06 PM
"Hey, I read that there will be a new show Real Housewives of New Jersey. And one of the women is Dina Manzo"
The bravo channel website has the show listed right now and who the housewives are. There are two Manzo housewives both are sisters plus another housewife is their sister in law.
Another housewife is actually a single mother.
Has scary flashback to the episode that took place in New Jersey with Tabatha's salon takeover. Good gravy they found the one place in the United States whose faux old richness can top Atlanta. Remember all the comments on how the Atlanta housewives couldn't speak english? I suspect comments will come flooding in about the people of New Jersey speak.
7 of 25 | Posted by User Name | Posted on March 22, 2009 9:35 PM
Great recap as usual! But Yenta, please don't buy into Bethenny's skinny message. We love you just the way you are, and anyhow, I think you're dangerously underweight already. For the love of God, eat something!
OK, why in the world did LuLu feel the need to establish that Rosie was a Celine Dion fan right before announcing that she'd had an extra ticket and therefore COULD HAVE invited Rosie along? She was all, "Oh really, Rosie, you DO like Celine? You mean all I had to do was give you that extra ticket (the one I had no use for) and that would have made you happy? Oh well, sucks to be you. Now go make the beds!" LOL that Countess is such a beeyotch!
Alex mentioned somewhere (in her blog, I believe) that they actually did stay at Simon's hotel during part of their renovations, but the editors didn't show it. Oddly enough, when Alex unashamedly told Bethenny about her past as a skanky-slut-whore, it sort of made me like Alex a little bit more. But yes, that'll definitely become (yet another) future embarrassment for poor Frankie and Joey.
Can't wait to see what happens next week between Kelly and the skinny girl (I meant Bethenny that time, not our own anorexic Yenta). Watching that brief preview made me feel bad for the blotch-faced boyfriend-beater. She looked kinda hurt by whatever Bethenny said to her. Then again, the preview clip could just be another example of Bravo's tricky editing.
And is anyone else surprised that, out of this entire cast, Ramona and Ted Bundy have by far the nicest Hamptons home? I would have expected their place to be much more manic & serial-killer-esque, but it's actually quite nice.
8 of 25 | Posted by LastCall | Posted on March 22, 2009 10:56 PM
Uh, Alex, things you have in common with Bethenny: One. You're both female. That's it. And I cannot believe Alex shared how she and Simon met. What a wacky and fun courtship THAT must have been. Fortunately for all of us we were spared their diabolical mating ritual details.
I see that Simon now has his own blog on the Real Housewives' Bravo site. I guess sometimes you DO get what you wish for: To become a real, live housewife. Welcome, Pinocchio. We knew you had it in you.
Just wondering what sort of fruit the NJ wives will hold up. Tomatoes? Can't wait for this train wreck.
Did anybody else catch Bethenny sitting just off the dance floor on Dancing with the Stars? I saw Kathy Griffin was also there. Maybe it was Bravo night on ABC?
Thanks for a great recap, Yenta!
9 of 25 | Posted by xqzmoi | Posted on March 22, 2009 11:21 PM
"Of course, she can only rub one at a time and has to turn wildly side to side, but maybe someday she'll find a surgeon who can fix that little problem."
That is the funniest thing I have read all year. Including last year.
Maybe Bravo will present the ladies with t-shirts like the OC "orange" shirts, except with widely spaced grapefruit halves.
Thanks for the pics of Gretchen. I can't wait to see how her "Opportunistic Predatory Hooker" storyline plays out.
And is Slade wearing camouflage manties? They should bring him back.
~Floo
10 of 25 | Posted by FloOkY | Posted on March 22, 2009 11:44 PM
Hats off to you Yenta darling - hysterical rendering of this show! If it's ok with you, I'll take on the task of drinking vodka martinis and eating Doritos for you while watching...
Oh where to start - call me a snarky cynic, but I did not buy Alex's Harelquin Romance inspired wedding night confession. Who tears up AT THEIR OWN COMMENTS?? Major narricism - and acting. Your comments about how they met - right on. I don't know how to say "I threw up a bit in my mouth" in French, but I'm damn sure that Frankie and Johnny will be able to tell us after hearing the romanic story of how they were trolling the internet looking for casual sex (or B&D, who knows). All said however, they do seem to enjoy each other - as my bf and I say about our own (warped) relationship - they are keeping two other people from being miserable. They make for good entertainment, and seem perfect for each other in their own extraterrestrial sort of way. That house was just a nightmare - and you are spot on about the asthma, Yenta. Even though they claim they are "living" in the basement, the noise and dust must be awful. JZ is my hero for sayin it like it is...
Does the Count-ass just drop in once a week to torture Rosie with concert tickets she might have had? Doesn't know the hamster died, doesn't know they buried it in the yard, doesn't know if Noel did his homework, doesn't know if this piece of paper IS his homework - sheesh. My sweet, come out of the alcohol haze once in awhile - and stop eating with your mouth full, that's a personal pet peeve of mine... really, it's in my upcoming book.
I fell in love with Bethenny all over again this week. She looked like she was trying to surpress a seizure when Count-ass was giving her the Jane Eyre inspired dating advice (cast your eyes demurely downward and curtsey when introduced to a gentleman).
Finally - I beg all of you gasmi, please don't judge all of New Jersey by the new trainwreck show. We are not all big hair, big mouths and tacky spending. Really. But you know I'll be watching!!
Hugs Yenta for making me laugh! Diets suck, hang in there xoxoxoxo
11 of 25 | Posted by njgasmifan | Posted on March 23, 2009 8:51 AM
Ok, looking at the size of my previous post, maybe we all DO have big mouths in New Jersey... but try not to hold it against us, please!!!
12 of 25 | Posted by njgasmifan | Posted on March 23, 2009 8:54 AM
Great recap, Twunty! And here's a great chocolatly creamy snack for you - a 100 cal chocolate pudding cup, some crushed up reduced fat vanilla wafers to mix in with the pudding and top it all with some fat free Cool Whip. Sooooo good....oh, and a little Baileys on the side wont hurt none.
Anyways, I have a question: whats up with all the Mario serial killer jokes? I tried googling him but I gets nada. Anyone?
13 of 25 | Posted by lexxi1129 | Posted on March 23, 2009 10:32 AM
Ooops...sorry - meant to say great recap Yenta!
(Hmmmm, maybe a tad bit too MUCH Baileys.)
14 of 25 | Posted by lexxi1129 | Posted on March 23, 2009 10:41 AM
Yenta my love, I don't know why you couldn't appreciate LuLu's fabulous advice. We ALL know that women libbers have ruined relationships for all women. Real men keep their wives at home. Writing books on manners. When they have none.
Please feel free to show up on my doorstep ANYTIME with bagels, cream cheese and lox. As is evidenced by my massive ass, I also think that eating should be the prelude to all activities.
I don't even know what to say about the Silex rennovation. Rusty nails, dust, and jagged, splintery wood; what a fabulous playground for children. And they're writing a book?!? Tres Delusional.
I'll stop now. You know, women should be seen and not heard. ;) LuLu told me that. She's so wonderful.
SWAK, PottyMouth
15 of 25 | Posted by PottyMouth | Posted on March 23, 2009 11:26 AM
Nicely done, as usual! The Count-ass, oy! What a mess of contradictions. Not only was she eating with her mouth open when Noel was getting ready for school, she was talking! Ewwww! And, she had her royal elbows on the counter when they were eating at Kelly's. As we say in French, "Mon Dieu!" Did anyone else notice when Rosie commented to Noel that he needed to buckle down with his homework? I wonder how much of the day-to-day child rearing she actually does.
I noticed that they skipped over St. Barth's. Not a problem for me. I'm relieved we were spared the site of Silex romping around in thongs. I thought Alex's hook-up admission was interesting. But, I'm convinced Simon wouldn't have looked at her profile if her name was Mary. Their pretentiousness is tiresome, but they'd be much easier to take if they just admitted he was bi-sexual.
I think Ramona is better than last year. She's overly touchy about Silex, but I don't think she's as wacko (not yet anyway). She was genuinely affected when Avery looked so grown up at the show store. She's not all bad.
16 of 25 | Posted by 2muchbravo | Posted on March 23, 2009 11:40 AM
Come to the dark side, Yenta. We have Gummi Bears. And nachos. (BTW, on his blog Simon says they did sleep at the hotel.)
17 of 25 | Posted by DaffyMaiden | Posted on March 23, 2009 8:03 PM
As I was watching the part about how Alex & Simon met, I turned to my roommate and said, "Simon probably thought Alex was a man."
18 of 25 | Posted by winks523 | Posted on March 24, 2009 7:35 AM
OMG!! I had to stop in the middle of reading your fab recap to let you know, I HAVE THE SAME EXACT JACKET SIMON IS WEARING IN THE PIC. But mine is from the 80's (I just knew it would come back into style) and I AM A WOMAN. ROTFLMAO!!! I almost spit out my coffee when I came across the picture, thanks for the giggle!!
19 of 25 | Posted by featherhead | Posted on March 24, 2009 8:43 AM
Twunty: Darling thanks for taking the time to read. Do you think you could ask your buddy Ru to make a cameo on RHNYC in Countess garb? It would be a relief to have some aristocracy with decent table manners. Heart.
illinigal: Thanks for posting your question. Like other readers commented, according to Silex's blogs they did stay at Simon's hotel for a couple of weeks.
Yeschef: "Remember Simon is one of the rich who spends tens of thousands during a shopping trip on clothes they never wear or just wear once then toss out." LOL. Love the description.
Tillee: Are you serious? Alex is 35? Wow! That's some hard living packed into that face. Thanks for the tidbit.
Pixielated: I actually like all of these women (even the Countess) more than the collective nightmare that makes up OC, and that's saying alot. After all, I'm not too fond of the Countess.
AnneM: I love the info on the New Joyersee women!! I'm so sure they'll be a trainwreck. hee-hee
UserName: You and Anne must be on the same wavelength. Luckily we'll have our own Jersey expert her in the person of njgasmifan : )
LastCall: Thank you so much for the concern about my weight. I'm touched and little freaked out. Have you actually seen me in person? Oh and I totally agree about Ramona and Mario's house. It's really nice : )
xqzmoi: Simon does love his attention doesn't he. But, I have to say I thought that his blog was pretty good.
FloOky: "Maybe Bravo will present the ladies with t-shirts like the OC "orange" shirts, except with widely spaced grapefruit halves." I would love to see that...LOL
njgasmifan: Thanks so much for taking over the Doritos duty. I really appreciate it. And don't ever worry about a big mouth. I love your comments : )
lexi1129: It's my life dream to have somebody mistake me for Twunty. Are you kidding? Mistaking me for a gorgeous ex supermodel. You are my new favorite gasmi!! Love the dessert tip, as well.
PottyMouth: You're absolutely right. I'm throwing away my pants, burning my driver's license and condemning myself to a lifetime of dirty dishes, laundry, and only speaking when spoken too. Please visit me in prison after I finally go postal and burn the house down...Hugs.
2muchBravo: Last season there was a whole bit with Rosie saying she wished for the children's sake that their parents were around more. The Countess deflected this by saying that Rosie was talking about the Count who was out of the country so much. Personally, I always thought Rosie was a sort of a superhero. Kind of a combined housekeeper, nanny, cook, dogwalker, does everything.
Daffymaiden: As soon as I can fit back into my jeans without using copious amounts of baby oil, I'll be right with you. Seriously, I need a 12 step program for gummi bear addiction...
Winks523: I love that Silex's combined love of shopping for each other seems to have sealed their relationship. I'm thinking that Simon just closes his eyes tight and pretends.
Featherhead: You are such a riot. I think I had the same jacket as well. Or at least one close to it. I bet Simon is wearing the same clothes when he's in his sixties...
Hugs,
Yenta
20 of 25 | Posted by yentapatrol | Posted on March 24, 2009 9:50 AM
My favorite line? "So I tell him 12 centimeters equals 12 inches and he gets really happy..." LOVE IT!
Awesome recap, Yenta, you deserve some food.
love, J-Mo :)
21 of 25 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on March 24, 2009 1:05 PM
Great Recap! LOVE IT! actually more then the show itself :) Thank you!
I just wanted to share what I just saw - Im home sick from work today and watching PBS Kids tv (dont ask why - oh ok - my mind is at that level today! LOL) and I happen to be watching Cyberchase at the end of the cartoon they do a clip called "Cyberchase for real" where real people stand in for a skit. Anyways - Who do I see standing behing the front desk at the Hotel on the show? YUP none other then Alex! I cracked up laughing - she has a couple lines of checking in a guest - saying OH NO the wake up calls arent working and then asking the same guest for help to fix the problem. LMAO - why would someone constantly seeking to be where the Elite are choose to work on a PBS Go Kids Cartoon? (not that I think thats a bad thing - heck I would jump at the chance to be on any tv show - but it to me just didnt Jive with the "image" Silex is always trying to portray)
Anyways - thanks again for taking the time out to entertain us each week with your recaps!
rebecca :)
22 of 25 | Posted by Rebecca1968 | Posted on March 24, 2009 2:13 PM
Don't worry, Yenta. I'm not watching you and monitoring your weight through the lens of a high-powered telescope or anything like that. I'm no stalker. Although I will admit that I once said the name "Yenta Patrol" five times in a row while staring into my bathroom mirror just to see if you'd appear. But alas, no reflected Yenta.
No, I was actually basing my assessment of your light-as-a-feather physique on the mental picture I formed while reading your recaps. But I sorta assume that my mental picture is fairly accuarate...over the years, many people have expressed the belief that I am indeed quite mental. I consider it a gift from God (though I'd really rather have your wasp-waisted figure)!
23 of 25 | Posted by LastCall | Posted on March 25, 2009 12:10 AM
J-Mo Darling, I'm so sad. I thought I was going to get out to the West Coast this summer to binge out with you guys, but it's not to be. I guess I'm going to have to eat all those good things alone. Sad horns.
Rebecca1968: I love that image of Alex. From what I understand her original goal in life was to be an actress, sadly she's only frustrated. Poor baby
LastCall: I luvs me some mental people : ) Please oh please picture me at a stately height instead of my vertically challenged 5'2"...
Hugs,
Yenta
24 of 25 | Posted by yentapatrol | Posted on March 25, 2009 4:23 AM
you've just inspired me:
'faux-cialite!'
i'm loving it.
25 of 25 | Posted by matzboy | Posted on March 26, 2009 1:08 PM