Dear Gasmi,
It's finally here. We've laughed, we've cried, and we've even gagged a few times. My liquor cabinet is looking a little depleted and I need baby oil to fit into my jeans. It's been a truly awesome season.
But before I get all teary eyed, there's a finale to get through, so grab the booze you have left and settle in. This one's gonna be a doozie...
We start this week where we left off in JZ's condo, with Leather returning from the store and Bethenny still arching her back and hissing. JZ decides that enough is enough, and, like so many shows before it, the charity meeting must go on. After all, there's only a week left and there's sponsors to strongarm and tickets to sell.
On cue, Christina from Friends Helping Friends appears at the door accompanied by her assistant. Christina has a new haircut with Barbie doll bangs. It's not doing much for me, but JZ seems to like it.
Luckily for Christina's dignity, the Countess shows up as well, and JZ gets down to the serious business of serving food. Because, when you're Jewish the only time not to eat is when you're dead, and even then it's questionable. For years after my Grandfather died my great Aunts would drive past the cemetery, yelling out the car windows, "Hey, Joe, how 'bout a pastrami on rye?"
Both Crazy Eyes and Alex are missing when the ladies get down to business. There's one major item on today's agenda: the event is a week away and they're 80 tickets short of breaking even. Seriously, that would totally STRESS ME OUT. Before Christina can really pound the issue home, the doorbell rings. A totally frazzled Crazy Eyes explains that the voices in her head couldn't agree on whether they were supposed to meet across town or at JZ's condo. Crazy Eyes went with the loudest screamers just to keep from getting a headache, and now there's a free for all going on in her head over just whose fault it is that Crazy Eyes is late.
Ramona might be completely nuts but she comes bearing gifts. JZ is all about never looking a crazy person in the mouth, and she's thrilled that Crazy Eyes has come up with a new sponsor. Not only is this sponsor generous, he's also modest and unassuming; not even wanting his name on the step and repeat, otherwise known as the photo pitstop. On the other hand, JZ isn't so much into the whole unassuming low-profile thing. At least not for Zarin Fabrics. JZ wants signage for her business to be plastered all over the step and repeat, preferably in neon flashing lights.
If there's one thing that Crazy Eyes knows about, it's the difference between what is classy and what isn't classy. About JZ wanting to advertise Zarin Fabrics at her charity event? Crazy Eyes says...
Being a fundamentally gracious, well-bred person, you just know that JZ is going to respond in a socially appropriate manner.
Personally, I have to agree with Crazy Eyes, it seems a little tacky to use your charity event to shill for your business. But, after weeks of watching the hausenfrau sling non-stop advertising at the inside of my TV screen, I might be a little sensitive on the subject. Sadly, Crazy Eyes is unable to deliver a coherent argument to support her (and my) opinion. The best she can manage is to offer to take JZ on a field trip to "see" the social register, as if it's some kind of public monument instead of a publication issued bi-annually to its members. It doesn't help that Crazy Eyes isn't the brightest bulb in the room, but I'm kind of hoping that she's stopped taking her meds.
Like a rat on cheese, JZ is all over the social register thing asking, "Do you know where the social register is?" Crazy Eyes, perhaps picturing a wall engraved with the names of the elite, kind of like blue blood graffiti, quickly assures JZ that of course she knows where the social register is. "Well then, where is it?" JZ demands. You can almost hear the screeching noises as the voices in Crazy Eyes head come to a sudden halt.
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Comments (18)
and i was stalking tvgasm all day waiting for this recap! totally worth it. can not wait for the reunion show and the jersey girls look really fun!
1 of 18 | Posted by mynameisjenn | Posted on May 9, 2009 4:56 PM
Yenta, I am so with you. I'm also hoping that Jill puts the diva bitch away. She's normally my absolute fav of ALL the housewives.
I knew Crazy Eyes wouldn't disappoint. She can't keep it together for that long. And that pic of LuLu and the count was sad indeed. She may be a pain in the tuchus, but that situation still sucks.
I really hope they all blast Leather during the reunion!!
Thanks for a fantastic season! Can't wait to see what you do to Jersey!!
SWAK, PottyMouth
2 of 18 | Posted by PottyMouth | Posted on May 9, 2009 6:22 PM
Dear Yenta--
Brava on another delicious installment. But you posted it in REAL HOUSEWIVES OF OC!
While waiting for the sure-to-be beeyotchirrific Reunion shows, please enjoy my trashing of HARPER'S ISLAND on this very site.
Besos,
LLB
3 of 18 | Posted by leia labiblia | Posted on May 9, 2009 6:34 PM
Dear Yenta,
You make this show worth watching. Your recap was outstanding.
I agree with you about Jill and her diva bitch behavior. Maybe she was just too wound up with the charity event, or Silex's remodel, or the almost sex talk with Allie. Or maybe she's wearing uncomfortable shoes, or maybe the underwire from her bra is stabbing her. Whatever her problem, I hope she drops the diva thing before she gets to be intolerable.
What was up with B this week? She gave Lulu such a hard time last season when Lulu wanted the driver to call her Mrs. DeLeseps, but B can talk to Rosie like she's a 12 year old? She was talking down to dear, sweet Rosie and that's not cool.
I loved Silex' clothes. I can totally see them posing for a special edition of some kind of fettish magazine. The Christmas Issue of Leather and Horse Face 2009? With a special insert, how to dress to impress and attract the freaks at any party.
But the worst part? Simon and Ramona's full-body dry heaves. They both danced like they were in the midst of flu or food poisoning. They are the two most awkward folks I've ever seen.
Thanks for all the laughs this season.
Take care darling Yenta, I can't wait until the reunion and the New Jersey housewives.
Love and luck,
TVannie
4 of 18 | Posted by AnneM | Posted on May 9, 2009 6:45 PM
Hi Yenta, Kadooz on another great recap!
I thought Gerry the jewelry woman was completely gross and inappropriate. I can't imagine Kelly liked that any more than I would like an elderly male shopkeeper with a cigar hanging out of his mouth to stare at my crotch and deny being gay, but if he was he'd totally remove his teeth and go down on me. It was just so gross. But then again Kelly interviewed that she really liked her. With Kelly being a disingenuous user type, maybe if she holds back the vomit, Gerry will sell her owl jewelry, after the lawsuits and accusations regarding the jewelry line have died down, of course.
Frangelico got way more mileage out of the signage controversy than had the signs been left up, so way to go Ramona! 'Moners was trying to instigate a fight, but it all worked out great in the end for all involved. And for next week's finale episode Yenta, you're one Google search away from a recipe for Frangelico Hazelnut cupcakes! Oh my. I'd recommend a cream cheese icing. (Wish I could make them for you myself, but the thought will have to do.)
Can't wait 'till Tuesday.
~Floo
5 of 18 | Posted by FloOkY | Posted on May 9, 2009 7:45 PM
When I saw "Real Housewives of OC" I had sort of a PTSD episode and some hallucinations about bleach blondes with inflated breasts humping any nearby male. But thank God it's just the assorted loons of NY, who I find much more endearing (except for Kelly).
I know little or nothing about Bethenny, so I hesitate to say this, but did she speak so condescendingly to and about Rosie because of Rosie's race?
6 of 18 | Posted by pixielated | Posted on May 9, 2009 9:45 PM
When Bethenny started doing her crazy catwalk I laughed to loud I almost woke my sleeping family. I love it when people humiliate themselves on reality shows.
Jill's tight black lowrider jeans with a shirt tucked in was hard to see. A belt would have made all the difference.
Why does Kelly insist on wearing teeny tiny skirts? She must think we love having her legs on display for our viewing pleasure. We don't.
Ramona could not be any more ridiculous. I'm starting to feel physical pain when she appears on screen. She's a lunatic!
Love the recaps.
7 of 18 | Posted by cate | Posted on May 9, 2009 9:59 PM
Dear Yenta,
Such a great recap this season. All I can say is "koo-dooz" to you!
8 of 18 | Posted by TinyT | Posted on May 10, 2009 8:58 AM
Seriously the reunion show needs to be shot with all of the women paddling around in an inflatable pool. Remember when we were all innocent and naive and thought that most of these women were normal that this season was going to be boring. Silex were the only people who could line up in our snark ray sites.
Why look at Alex and Simon how delusional they are, floating around in their inflatable, kiddie pool thinking that is on par or better than the Hamptons.
That pool is a symbolic representation of a person's mental break with reality, so how they make sense of the world seems delusional to everyone us watching them logic and reason through their actions.
An example of one such person is Kelly who thinks it is a hoot (get hoot, her owl necklace, get it?) to run through traffic when most of us were taught by our mommas at the age of 4 to not play in the street and to stay out of traffic.
So please put them all in the pool, these women are so far removed from the actual laws of the universe most people live by. Watching these women and their nonsensical ways is the leading cause of brain aneurysms.
Yenta darling how do you do it? Seriously how do you do it? I tossed my ring into the hat.....I mean my hat into the ring for auditiongasm. I don't know if you are able to hand out helpful hints. Some how I don't think I am going to be able to do when I write papers for my classes. Which is to find a paper online and rework so it sounds like my own.
But thanks for a fabulous season. I had to stop watching the show after awhile because it was adding to my anxiety that I was having about the future of our country. I am not lying, but I never stopped reading your recaps. Will you be recapping the ladies of the Garden State? I was so hoping Bravo would have the women holding lettuce and carrots and the such, but alas they stand with empty hands.
9 of 18 | Posted by reckless_saturn_11 | Posted on May 10, 2009 10:02 AM
I laughed when the jeweler asked Leather if she wanted a 51 year old jewish woman because I pictured Leather beating the crap out of her in a basement like she does with her lovers.
Crazy eyes hair looked the style that high school girls throw their hair into before some kind of atheletic practice.
10 of 18 | Posted by newcastlefan | Posted on May 10, 2009 11:25 AM
Dearest Yenta,
Thank you for giving us such wonderfuly snarky recaps week after week. This week was no exception - the screengrabs and comments had me laughing out loud!
I have been involved in charity events, and it can be very stressful. HOWEVER - that is no reason to turn into Super Bitch, especially at your supposed best friends. Loves me JZ, but she needed to tone it down at the event. I respect Bethenny for not letting it escalate.
Your comment about the anorexic Clydesdale was priceless - and agree that Bethenny's vagina monologue at the show was not funny and not really representative of her as a person. I think she has tried way too hard this season to be funny - she does have a great wit if she would just not try so hard.
Simon owes me some Grey Goose, since I spit my martini all over the coffee table when I saw his outfit. There is fashion forward and then there is looking like an ass. Fine line, I guess.
Yenta - it has been wonderful to have you share your thoughts with us this season. On to NJ!
much love xoxoxo
11 of 18 | Posted by njgasmifan | Posted on May 11, 2009 8:19 AM
Hi Yenta,
Great recap as always! I CAN'T WAIT for tomorrow's reunion show! How can it not be awesome?? I hope they all give Kelly a dose of reality. How many lawsuits does she have going now anyway??
FloOky - I agree, the jewelry lady was totally disgusting and inappropriate. What up with that? Luckily Kelly was her usual out-to-lunch self and didn't notice. LOVED the line about how she was dressed up to take a walk with Robin Hood!! LOL
Gotta love Ramona and Simon dancing at the end! Too too funny
12 of 18 | Posted by LindaLC | Posted on May 11, 2009 11:17 AM
I have to give it up for the hausenfrau: it takes natural skill to take something as pure as philanthropy and effortlessly turn it into grubby, self-absorbed drama.
If Page Six wasn't at all these events, these rich bitches wouldn't even leave the house, children with creaky joints be damned!!
13 of 18 | Posted by NotWithoutMyTV | Posted on May 11, 2009 2:09 PM
Fittingly, I guess, this episode was by far my favorite of the season, and this recap was my fave too. Well, so far, at least. It cracked my shit up, as the kids apparently say. Kadoooz to you, Yenta!
Both Bethenny and Jill pissed me off this week, but I've forgiven them both already, and now I don't hate LuLu nearly as much as I used to. I also loved how Ramona looked more disheveled and crazier with each appearance. During that Moroccan fashion show scene I was mumbling to myself, "No, no, Ramona, that's a laundry day, sweatpants-wearing hairdo, not a going out on the town hairdo. You either drank too much Pinot Griggio, or not enough."
I don't care what anyone says, I liked Jeri, the latent lesbian jeweler. I liked her little dogs too. I'd hang out with her and take presciption meds any time.
And hearing Ramona and Simon compliment each other on being such "good dancers" was the best thing ever! I was practically orgasmic when I heard that. Yes, you are, Ramona and Simon. Two great dancers indeed. Never stop sharing your talent with the world!
I'm so looking forward to your recaps of the 2-part reunion show, Yenta...not to mention the presumably glorious first season of the Joizy Girls. I won't have access to a TV for the next few days and I'll miss Reunion Part-1, so I hope Bravo doesn't make its TV schedule all fickle again and decide NOT to air their usual RHoNYC reruns ad nausuem...which is what they always seem to do whenever I've missed an episode that I really, really wanted to see. Last time I missed the RHoNYC on a Tuesday night, Bravo didn't air that same episode again (unless it was done in the middle of the night or whatever) until the following Sunday afternoon. Bravo can be a real bitch when it comes to that stuff. So screw you, Andy Cohen, you adorable little SOB! I'm just sayin'.
14 of 18 | Posted by LastCall | Posted on May 11, 2009 11:03 PM
Oh, God, tell me that ridiculous little weiner Andy Cohen isn't hosting the reunion.
He's even more of a simulacrum of a human being than Ryan Seacrest.
15 of 18 | Posted by NotWithoutMyTV | Posted on May 12, 2009 7:20 AM
Dear Gasmi,
Reunion Part 1 tonight!!! Woohoo!
Followed by New Joyersy!! Double Woohoo!!
Mynameisjenn: I love the recap stalking picture; I do that too. Heh-heh.
Pottymouth: From what I gather, both Leather and Crazy Eyes are supposed to get obliterated during the reunion. Oy!!
Leia Labiblia: We don't have internet yet in our new house, and I just got back to the other house, so I promise I will read your awesome recap this afternoon. I confess, I've been skerd to watch Harper's Island because it sounds kind of spooky, and I'm a sensitive soul...
AnneM: "But the worst part? Simon and Ramona's full-body dry heaves. They both danced like they were in the midst of flu or food poisoning." ROFLMAO That is an awesome description. Thanks for the laughs.
FloOky: I am totally making those cupcakes for tonight. You're awesome for suggesting it!!!
Pixielated: I'm so sorry about the PTSD trigger. Sigh! I was having an aging bimbo moment.
Cate: I totally agree about Leather's teeny tiny skirts. On the other hand, we should probably be grateful that her legs are the only body part she's displaying!
TinyT: Thank you so much, I just love Koo-dooz!
Reckless Saturn: I'm so excited you're taking a turn at recapping!! Just have fun with it. After all the pay's not so great ; so we might as well enjoy it.
Newcastlefan: Oy!! Now I totally have a picture of an S&M style dungeon in my head, which is only slightly less disturbing than the picture of Leather in dominatrix garb. Sigh!
njgasmifan: I'm totally counting on you to help me out with the Joyersy woman!! Do you mind moving into my spare room for the season, as an "expert on site"? I'd buy you lots of Grey Goose...
LindaLC: I'm telling you, if these reunions don't live up to their hype, I'm going to start a class action suit against Bravo for psychological pain and suffering!!
NotWithoutMyTV: I'm so sorry but it's definitely going to be an Andy Cohen wiener fest tonight!! Who knows maybe Leather will deck him!!
LastCall: OMG away from a TV. Horrors!! But I know you'll be here in spirit hovering over my TV screen and throwing little bit of ghostly snacks at the hausenfrau. I hope you have a blast whatever wilderness you heading into!!
Hugs,
Yenta
16 of 18 | Posted by yentapatrol | Posted on May 12, 2009 10:10 AM
Oh Yenta, I would live in your GARAGE if it meant we could watch the RHNJ and snark together. Even without Grey Goose, although that is a powerful inducement. Happy to give you any insights I can while I cringe at the image being generated about my home state.
The local paper (The Record) has done a couple of articles already on the ladies. It promises to be an interesting season!!!
oxoxoxox
17 of 18 | Posted by njgasmifan | Posted on May 13, 2009 6:48 AM
When JZ didn't say Kelly's name at first, I thought maybe they weren't going to honor her because she "doesn't want her name on anything." that would have been so funny if they purposely left her out because of that comment she made!
18 of 18 | Posted by winks523 | Posted on May 15, 2009 8:01 AM