Oh Yenta, I break all the tables I dance on too! But I will never, ever give up my dream of being on the cover of Pudgy Porkers. Never!!

Poor Crazy Eyes, she really has no filter. And I love her for it. :)

The count-ass. UGH. What an uber-Bitch. She needs a good smack right in the face. Kelly? A little help here?

I loved having Coffee with Yenta this morning! What a great start to my day!

SWAK, PottyMouth

Do you ever have daydreams about telling off the Count-ASS? I mean a really world class telling off that knocks the snotty right out of her (not that it's possible outside of the movies)? I slipped into one of those for a moment reading your recap and it was lovely so... THANKS!!!

I can sympathise about the apples and wine. When my Great Aunt Poppy (pronounced Great Ont Poppy of course) felt the need to "take a restorative", she would switch to champagne and strawberries or pears that WEREN'T dipped in chocolate (her emphasis on the word, not mine). I think the lack of chocolate was her nod to restraint. She could eat and drink like a stevadore (also her words).

Poppy swore by it and, if I may be so bold, it seems a little more your style :D

I haven't finished reading your recap yet, I like to savor it on Sunday mornings, you are that good of a writer, but I about died laughing when they cut from Crazy Eyes' pool to Silex in their Kmart inflateable pond. So perfect. I love how they can rationalize every part of their delusional existence.

I figured out who Leather and Lace reminds me of. That weird smile that downturns at the corners and upturns at the same time? It's just like the girl that was in Friday the 13th. I have more on Kelly but I think that I'll email you that bit later.

Now, back to coffee and reading your fabulous recap...

Ah yes, Sundays with Yenta, my favorite part of the weekend.

Ramona moved up a peg on my HW scale in this episode. Decent dating advice, research on Richard Meier, a dig at the Count-ass and still, just enough crazy to fulfill Bravo's RHW requirements.

I have a Count-ass in my life also in the form of my boss. Same meglomanical, narcissistic personality. I really felt for Bethanny in that she just couldn't win with that one. Like you said, "let it go and move on".

Can't wait to tune in next week when Jill says "I nearly doyed". Love her & Yenta. Oh - and loving the book too!

Great recap! I cannot stand the count-ass, she acts like she's holier than thou. Can you imagine, if her husband was a Lord (no neck) instead of a Count (no neck), that would make Lulu a LADY!!!! She's so far from being that it's laughable.

I was trying to remember where I saw Devora Rose before- what a name- and it finally hit me. She was in a brief segment of a reality show called "The Fashionista Diaries".

Great recap, as usual. Oh, not to bring up those O.C. hags again, but did you hear the latest about Gretchen and the recently released 911 call? I believe it was after Jeff passed, which is ok, but she admits that Jay is her boyfriend. I knew it was true, but defended her choice. She should have been honest at the reunion because she is not a good liar.

Yentaaaaaa!!!

I'm giggling STILL over the all-that-happens-when-I-dance-on-tables-is-the-furniture-gets-broken thing. Not to be too TMI, but I sat down on a toilet in our laundry room last night for a brief interlude (not doing dirties, just tinklies, sometimes I prefer to sit, think what you will of me) and I suddenly heard a *CRRR-RRAAACCCKKK!* and realized I had just broken the fucking toilet seat. My BF just happened to be walking by the open door to the room and heard it (and my anguished howl) and, quick as a whip, he called out over his shoulder, "FAT ASS!!!!" I am SO going to have to spousally abuse him later.

At any rate, loved loved LOVED this recap, and your assessment of Miss Cuntass LuLu was on razor-sharp point! Out of all of them, she is quite possibly the most annoying (Alex is irritating, too, but there's an element of sadness I feel for her cluelessness) and I think Bethenny hit the fucking nail on the HEAD when she called her out on writing her stupid book as believing her faux-entitlement gives her rare and stimulating insights into cosmic fabulosity and manners. Someone should tell her that "affected mannerisms" are NOT the same thing.

I also could not believe how many times Crazy Eyes said she was sorry, and LuLu wouldn't just be happy with that and let it go, she still had to harangue the woman for another 10 minutes. Double-Standard-Alert! When Bethenny was trying to explain to the Cuntass about how her little "retouching" comment hurt her feelings, the Cuntass felt like B was harping on it and wouldn't let it go. *DING-DONG!* It's the Hypocrite Lady calling for you!

Kelly is sleep-inducing, I have no idea why she's even on the show, not to mention that she's looking more and more tranny in every shot.

I also had to love the juxtaposition of Crazy-Eyes' fabulous estate with it's sparkling and expansive pool... and Silex's silly little backyard puddle that was only one step above the $10 hard plastic 7-foot-in-diameter kiddie pools you buy (that come with a little slide molded into the plastic and colorful fish painted on the inside). All that keeping up with the joneses must be exHAUSTING.

Awesome job, love to you!

love, J-Mo :)

Yenta, LOVED the recap!

These yutzes are just too twisted for color TV - but I love watching them! You just have the knack of making it so much funnier to read about them, then to watch them.

I feel sorry for Silex and their faux-pool. Every time I have to put chemicals in my 30,000 gallon in-ground, I'll shed a tiny, little tear for them that they can't enjoy it like I do. (OK - yes, I'll giggle like crazy while I'm at it).

Keep up the good work!

And to J-Mo;
I have sat my own fat butt upon many a cheap toilet seat without mishap. However the ONE that I have broken in over 50 years of experience was one designed for "Big Boys" and had a capacity of almost twice what I weigh, so go figure. I would certainly blame it on the age of said seat, rather than the size of the seat that sat upon said seat! (say that fast ten times). I am sure that your tuchus is perky and cute and nowhere near "FAT ASS" dimensions as your BF's comment would have you believe. Surely, he was only jesting at an opportune moment!
:)

great recap Yenta! I've almost given up on this show but always look forward to your commentary.

I could not hate Countass DeLusional DeLesseps any more. Does NYC society really care about payola titles like that? Personally I feel that the Lu Ann behind the Lu Ann Platter at Luby's contributed more to American history (at least in the South) than this idiot. She is probably more qualified to write an etiquette book as well. Granted we don't wear fancy dresses and watch manly models fall off horses while we eat at Luby's, but at least we don't talk with our mouths full of macaroni and cheese.

Oh, and while she's advising on etiquette, perhaps she could remind Victoria to sit with her knees together rather than wide apart as she was at the Hope Lodge event.

Hi Yenta,

I am wondering if you are on Twitter? If so, please let us know your screen name! I am following Jill on there. She is the only one I bothered to look up.

Seeing your recap posted is like a fresh copy of US magazine on the newsstand!

I saw a myspace (or somewhere) link for the Dis-Countess where the page said "I'm here for:" and it said "dating." I think she has more experience with dating than one might think.

I especially love how whenever Bravo cuts to Alex and Simon, they play a violin concerto, even when showing the farmhouse rental (with the area rug hanging out the window) or the plastic wading pool. It's hilarious.

I'm convinced the badly scripted pool scene with Ramona and Mario was shot solely for laughs so they could cut back to Alex and Simon in the Wal-mart wader, especially when the producers trick Alex into saying how lucky they are to have such a pool and backyard since most New Yorkers live in apartments. She's actually correct, but still...the comparison is so funny.

And this relates to last week, but did anyone think it was strange how Silex said they were renting the house and the Landlord/masseuse very deliberately would say "Hi, just dropped by..." or "Ok bye bye" yet she seemed to live and work out of that house. She had a massage room there and her dog's house and toys were in the living room. Not to mention Silex having to sleep in the attic of what appeared to be a large house. Were they only pretending to rent the entire house, while the masseuse pretended not to be living there?

One more thing, if you go back and watch the last season finale reunion when Miss Thing (Andy Cohen) asks Ramona if she's "high on life" or just "high" LOL! watch Luann's face. She has a wry smile (as if she knows a secret) while Ramona babbles with denial about how she's simply high on life.

When Luann accuses Ramona of having eyes like that because she's out of her head, I wonder if sometime in the future Luann's gonna burst and just outright call Ramona a druggie.

Yenta, thanks for the morning giggles! I promise to eat (and throw at the screen) TWICE as much fattening foods while watching the show to make up for your diet. And drink Vicki Gunvalson patented copyrighted vodka martinis. What the hell, I'm sure I'm capable of cracking a toilet seat as well at this point, might as well go all the way...

On Bethanney's Bravo blog she refers to an "undercurrent" with the Count-ass that she could not refer to on camera. Makes me think there may be more dirt that we are not yet privy to. Whatevs, Count-ass came off looking hypocritical, elitist and a total Bitch in this epi. Her refusal to accept Ramona's apology was over the top - and not very classy. And for the record, if a friend of mine said I hurt their feelings by saying something - even if I did not mean to hurt them - I would be so upset and apologize until I was gasping for air. Class my ass as my sainted mother would have said....

Add my name to the list of those in hysterics when they switched from Ramona's gorgous pool to Silax's backyard wader! Oh those editing pixies really are at the top of their form this season!

Can't wait to see Jill's tour of the Silax estate, err hovel tomorrow night.

Yenta, you are wonderful. I am so looking forward to the 50 degrees days they have promised us, and will do a little spring dance in your honor! big hugs xoxox

Pottymouth: Pudgy Porkers!! Too funny!! I'm beginning to really enjoy Crazy Eyes lack of filter as well. She's sort of loveable in a total head smacking kind of way.

Kizarny: I love your Great Aunt Poppy story. I have to admit pears, strawberries and champagne sound pretty awesome to me. But after the Countess' predilection for champagne, I'm a little embarrassed to crack open a bottle. Shhhh, it will just be our secret : )

Twunty: I hope you're all better from your flu. The Friday the 13th reference is perfect. I'm totally psyched to hear your dirt on Kelly : )

Shantigal: I'd be happy to write a really scathing recap of a day with your boss for you. heh-heh. Or maybe we can just send her an anonymous copy of the Countess' book? Don't let the nasties get you down. Heart. And thank you so much for taking the time to read my book!!

RealityTVwhore: I read a recent interview with the Countess where she says that the way she's portrayed on the show is due to editing. That the editor are only showing her "Countess" moments and in reality these are normally far and few between. Sigh, there were still enough of them to fill her role in the show. Yikes!

Sheiney: I heard about the 911 call and I totally agree. By the time the OC reunion was filmed, I think most people had accepted the idea that Gretchen had a boyfriend and it would have gone better for her if she had just been honest.

J-Mo: Darling I love you, and I think you should frame that toilet seat!!! As for your BF, tell him to get a raise so he can buy you the ultra high quality bathroom items that you deserve. ie marble jacuzzi. After all, when you're built for luxury you deserve the best : )

Arizonatom: I love the picture of you floating in your pool and giggling like mad!! It never occurred to me that people who have their own in-ground pools must have found that segment too ridonk!!

real_atlanta_girl: OMG doesn't it make you crazy when the Countess talks with her mouth full. I swear she does it every time we see her eating. BTW, this diet is driving me nuts; I would kill for a Lu Ann platter!!

Tillee: I'm so sorry, but I've never signed up for Twitter my life is just too boring!! But it hadn't occurred to me that the hausefrau would be on it, that almost makes it tempting!!

Flooky1: I think I read in Jill's blog that Silax were only renting two rooms in the house, not the whole house. Which explains why the landlady/masseuse was fully ensconced there.

njgasmifan: I saw Bethenny's comment about the undercurrent with the Countess as well. It's been driving me nuts, but I suspect whatever she's referring to will come out eventually. I'm dying to see Jill's reaction to the Silax house as well. Yikes!!

Love you guys. Thanks so much for taking the time to read and comment.
Hugs,
Yenta

I love you all so much my appendix just exploded in a shower of hot, gooey affection.

GYDAKWINEFE

(Giving you a double air-kiss when I'm not even from Europe!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1)

Yenta......another awesome recap! I actually read it before i saw the ep......the count-ass is truly delusional, and how is it that ramona looks normal compared to her???? Her husband is much older than her she needs to face facts, and she is soooooooo convinved that because she is a count-ass that that entitles her to be an expert on manners(even though she doesnt show any)

Yenta:

I took one for the team. As per your request: I read your recap while eating boyfriend made birthday cup cakes. All washed down with double, homemade chocolate ice cream, with extra whip cream milkshake as per the birthday tradition of getting to eat all your favorite foods in one day. So I more than made up for your diet.

But bravo again on your recaps well done. You even pulled in pieces from my new favorite website the Class-less, Count-ass website and blog about manners. The writing and insights on that site are impeccable. When Alex gets her book shelfs built she will have to get LuLu to sign a first edition copy. So her two cloverfield monsters in the making will have the best literature on manners. Although it may be too low brow for her two idiot savant children who like to curl up on a hassock and reading the stylings of shakespeare and dante.

But it is any wonder why class-less, count-ass LuLu hasn't won a Pulitzer. Well in her mind she probably already has. And who knows it may well be because of de lessep family that America even has the Pulitzer. After all it was the de lessep family that single handily brought the Statue of Liberty to America. The family has played a large role in the history of France and America. Whose to say that there wasn't a de lessep at Columbia?

But anyway enough with all those lies and grande delusions I am going to start to sound like one of the women on the show.

Is that a standard question on all reality show applications? Are you delusional? Do you have absolutely no self awareness? Do you realize that there is a world happening outside of you and your feelings? Are you like the quicky, picker upper, Bounty? Self absorbing? Are you wrap yourself in paper towels in the middle of grocery store crazy?

Answer. Yes. You are in.

Because what else can explain the complete shit that just rolled out of Alex and Simon's mouth while they were floating in their pool. And the more shit that came out of their mouth about setting the granite counter top trend. And they book shelves for real books and how they just couldn't understand how people just move into already done houses. You are just like everyone else. You are not a special snow flake. Get over yourself.

Back to the pool: Don't get me wrong. I am all for the pool. If you can't afford a real one, but have a back yard. Summer in new year is a bitch. So by all means have a blow up pool. But own it. Own it. Don't pretend that you are posh and preen about. Act they you are the Queens of the world and the rest of us watching you and are just plebs, that we are so pedestrain and you two are just so fabulous and above it all.

Oh my. I have written too much and way too past my bed time. LOVE, LOVE the book Yenta. I also read the other one while waiting for these chapters. Love them all!

NotWithoutMyTV: Not the appendix!! Oy! Darling, you mustn't sacrifice any more organs for the Gasm, we need you fully functional. Well at least functional enough to stare at the TV, read the recaps, and type your marvelous comments.

Lloyd dobbler: When Ramona becomes a comparative gold standard for normalcy, you know Lulu's in trouble.

Areyoucliff: You are friggin hysterical. I think it's time to email flipit to find a show for you to recap. That comment was a riot!!

Hugs,
Yenta

Oh Yenta. You flatter me. But I think that comment was a one off. Some how I let the filter between mouth and brain to come off. But if I was a dreaming girl. I would dream of becoming a TVgasm writer when I grow up.

Yenta -

Oh the Real Houswives this week be sure to note the dress that Kelly wore to the Jill Sander Show. She has obviously raided Veruca Salt's Closet -circa 1970. Even down to the hair, I was anxiously awaiting a "I WANT IT NOW DADDY"...