Dear Gasmi,

When I was a little yenta, I had a childhood fantasy of standing on a big stage in front of thousands of people and asking the question "To be or not to be?" People would argue back and forth in front of me for a while, but ultimately I would get to decide who existed and who didn't. Yes, I was a weird little kid, but I still can't help feeling jealous of Miss Andy. After all, tonight he's getting to ask the ultimate Orange County "to be or not to be" questions that are on everybody's mind.

Okay, Andy this better be good. I've got tortillas and guacamole and a whole pitcher of dirty martinis. I've gained seven pounds this season (I kid you not), and I strongly suspect that I need to buy a new TV because nothing is taking off the foods streaks.

Posted by YentaPatrol at 12:01 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Dear Gasmi,

It's finally here, the last full episode of the Orange County housewives. I've got my aerodynamic comfort foods and my dirty martini (shouts out to njgasmfan) and I'm ready to go.

If my martini isn't strong enough to get me through this, I'm counting on one of you to cough up some pain killers to send my way. (Fatgirlsrule I'm talking to you).

Posted by YentaPatrol at 1:36 PM | Permalink | Comments (36)

Dear Gasmi,

This week I learned that blue cheese stuffed olives in dirty martinis are definitely the way to go. Yay vodka!! Other than that, Vicki starts her own cult, Lynne plays with her husband's pole, Jeana discovers homeless people, Gretchen finally takes a vacation, and Tamra gets to reach the pinnacle of her dramatic career on national TV.

Pour youself out some hooch and take the jump into the dysfunction that is Orange County.

Posted by YentaPatrol at 2:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (28)

Dear Gasmii,

This week our middle-aged mommas do their best to stay up late and shake their booties for us. I'm giving them an ever-loving 'A' for effort, cuz it's hard to put in a long day of strutting, drinking, eating, bitching, gambling, slutting, and dancing, when you're used to gently passing out by 9:00 pm. But don't think our ladies are working it alone. Nope, they're getting some transformational help.

Airbrush anyone?

This week I'm going with Twinkies and beer, join me if you will. L'chaim!!

Posted by YentaPatrol at 1:37 PM | Permalink | Comments (26)

Dear Gasmi,

Millions and millions of dollars around the world have been spent on researching ways to effectively slow population growth. Yet with relatively little effort Bravo has put the kibosh on biological clocks this week by reintroducing Jeana's oldest son and reminding us of the down side to parenting.

I recommend blowing up the picture and throwing darts at his mouth.

But first, grab your munchies and a stiff drink before taking the leap...

Posted by YentaPatrol at 9:59 PM | Permalink | Comments (19)

Dear Gasmi,

After a crayayzy week in Chicago dealing with family matters, I am so happy to be back in the warm, fuzzy world of the Gasm. Not that Chicago isn't great, I love Chicago. I had deep-dish pizza, prime rib, cheesecake, and met the Anti-Christ. No, I'm not kidding. I'm happy to tell you that the Anti-Christ is alive and well, and currently residing behind one of the luggage check-in counters in the USAIR terminal.

Anyhoo, this week our ladies continue to dispense with social conventions in a way that makes me long for a level of sexual repression more commonly found in Franciscan nuns. Grab some wine, some aerodynamic munchies and bolt your doors. You never know where creepy douchebag, Ryan, could be wandering.

Posted by YentaPatrol at 6:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (30)

Dear Gasmi,

This week Bravo has hit a new low. It's sad when women with all the advantages of living in Orange County are outclassed by the Clampetts from The Beverly Hillbillies.

No matter how drunk Gretchen got on their grain alcohol, you know Granny wasn't going to stand for any foolishness from her menfolk.

Warning: This is an episode that requires a crapload of comfort food. Preferably the kind that comes in little pieces to facilitate quick ingestion and easy throwing. Plan on having to clean your TV screen at the end of the night...

***To read chapter 3 of The Traveling Prayer, Yenta's novel, click here!

Posted by YentaPatrol at 5:07 PM | Permalink | Comments (44)

Dear Gasmii,

I'm so sorry this week's recap is late. What can I say? Manual labor does not agree with me and invariably leads to massive injury. Let me tell you, being stuck flat on my back is not helping me lose the holiday weight. On the other hand, those painkillers sure do make watching the OC housewives a hoot. A couple of those babies and Vicki starts to look like a well-adjusted, reasonable business woman, instead of the insane crack ho I know her to be; Tamra seems bright and witty; and Gretchen...well, Gretchen just needs to go back to where she belongs...

Don't worry Gretchen, Auntie Chickbomb will be along to get you soon.

Feel free to join me in downing a few more painkillers before taking the jump...

Posted by YentaPatrol at 6:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (49)

Dear Gasmii,

This week the producers at Bravo have officially thrown down the gauntlet to snarky recappers everywhere. Not only do Ryan, Tamra, and Gretchen all cry, but their storylines include such light hearted topics as cancer and miscarriages interspersed with skanky music videos and skankier tattoos. So do you think fatal diseases and personal trauma are enough to give this show a free pass? Hell no!! My darling Bravo, you promised us a show that offers an inside glimpse of the privileged lives led by the wealthy housewives of Orange County. You know, the "Real" housewives. Instead, you've delivered a show that's more about the shady lives of the "real" estate agents of Orange County and their assorted and tawdry families and connections. You've sold your soul Bravo and it's my job to laugh it.

Starting now.

I'd be failing in my duty as a recapper if I didn't advise you to mix yourself a really, really strong drink before plunging into this weeks episode. So, first chugalug and then jump...

Posted by YentaPatrol at 2:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (33)

Dear Gasmii,

This week the producers over at Bravo have decided to treat us to a special episode of Girls Gone Wild: Where Are They Now? Sadly, we find out that they're still in the same place and wearing the same bikinis. God help us all.

Like many aspects of our country over the past 20 years, this woman's bikini failed to adjust for inflation.

It's nice to see a show that helps destroy unfortunate American stereotypes of loud, obnoxious, irresponsible, self-involved, over the top consumers. To find that show I would suggest going to another channel. But, in the meantime grab a lot of comfort food because you're going to need it after the leap...

Posted by YentaPatrol at 6:39 AM | Permalink | Comments (28)