Dear Gasmii;
As we head into the hardcore festivities that make up this awesome season, it has become abundantly clear to me that God is seriously fucking with my life. I don't say this lightly. Despite the ice storm, the lack of power, the gas guzzling generator, the Judeo-Christian holy war that opposing family members are waging in my house, and the latest snow storm, it wasn't until I watched this week's episode of RHOC that I finally realized that I am on the holy shitlist.
You don't believe me? Consider life as a recapper when presented with this:
But having to restrain myself because when she's not shaking her tits and ass for the camera, Gretchen is selflessly nursing her fifty something year old fiancé through his dying days.
On the other hand, if I'm going to hell anyway, I might as well get drunk and have a party. So, join me after the jump, but only if you don't want Santa to visit this year...
This week we not only have a new housewife, we also have a central theme of daddy issues running concurrently through each of the housewives abodes. I personally suspect that at least one of the producers is working out his or her own issues with this episode. But whatev, the housewives make awesome therapeutic devices.
I put a glass of champagne in her hand to make her look more real.
For the first time ever, Lauri is absent from the opening credits and we get our first glimpse of the new housewife, Lynne, who looks a lot like a thinner, tanner, Jay Leno. She is, we gather from this brief exposure, obsessed with being young. Just once I'd love for the opening shot to show an older unbotoxed woman. Remember Mrs. Olsen from the Folger's commercials? Now that was a housewife.
Ah, yes, the days when housewives weren't easily confused with sex toys.
But, sadly, times have changed. Instead of inviting her friends over for a gentle cup of coffee, Gretchen has invited her friends over for a burlesque party. After all, what else is a girl to do when her fiancé is laid up in the hospital battling leukemia?
Anyhoo, Ashley from Bad Behavior, a quaint little store, is present to market their pasties, whips, and crops. This is definitely a hands on party. Don't be shy, now. Grab a crop and smack a bottom or two. Nope, no lesbian overtones here. One of Gretchen's friends voices the same thought entertained by adolescent boys everywhere: "We wanted to see how the crop works and thought Gretchen's ass would be perfect."
She thinks I'm perfect!! Oh, just my ass?!?
Of course, being non-scripted reality TV, this is all very spontaneous. There's no posing for the camera going on here. But I can't help wondering if Gretchen doesn't have some ulterior motives going on with this segment. I mean, the Ikki twins have abandoned Hef and moved on to their own reality show. Gretchen's a little old for Hef, but she doesn't mind being whipped with a crop on national TV and she has extensive experience meeting the needs of the elderly.
I'm totally loving Bad Behavior's sales girl, Ashley. Hiding behind the longish bangs and horned rimmed glasses, you know there's a sexy dominatrix that's just dying for her own reality show.
Ashley says to put on your masks and kneel.
Gretchen has gone all out for this little shindig and hired some burlesque dancers to strut their stuff and instruct the gal pals on the technical aspects of tassel spinning. Because what could be a bigger treat for an audience of ostensibly heterosexual housewives than half naked women shaking their ta-tas for them.
Maybe the Chippendales dancers were booked for the week?
Our sweet companion/nurse, Gretchen, isn't much of a watcher; she's more of a doer. And I have to give her credit for tipping me off on just the thing to cheer my husband up, if he's ever in a hospital dying of a horrible disease. I'll call in a camera crew and take my clothes off on television. I'm sure that will make him proud. On the other hand, I really do have to thank Gretchen for introducing this woman to TV.
No, really, do you I'm too sexy?
Of course, there's no way that Gretchen is going to have backup dancers that are as trampy as she is, because it's hard enough being an older woman and trying to get Hef's attention without competition. I totally feel for Gretchen. It's a bitch being an older woman in today's job markets.
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Comments (14)
You are fucking hilarious.
In my experience, it's the times when we are most pissed off at everything else in lives when our recaps are the funniest.
1 of 14 | Posted by osnapp | Posted on December 21, 2008 4:08 PM
Oh Yenta, you're a gem. No fair Lauren getting a vote on the yacht! Dirty, conniving, Vicki. I'm so used to seeing that orange spray tan on the girls that the new housewife just looks muddy to me, I want to scrub her.
I would give anything to have cameras recording your family this holy week. I'm sure that's a show in itself. Just think of how releived you'll be when it's over.
2 of 14 | Posted by shantigal | Posted on December 21, 2008 4:44 PM
It seemed to me that Cara was using the trip to the Gun Range as an excuse to hit on Simon! Does EVERYONE in the OC want Simon? First Vicki groping and stalking him on the boat last week, now this! I was glad Simon seemed (pretended?) to not notice! To me, Cara was really inappropriate with some of her commments and language; and Simon's(?) young children were there. I don't know if they were able to hear the conversation through the glass or not- I hope not.
3 of 14 | Posted by Thatswhatshesaid | Posted on December 21, 2008 4:46 PM
I forgot to comment that I was surprised at the conversation about hangovers held between Lynn and her 17 year old daughter. Who trades home remedies with their underage kids?! And then at the end, Lynn offered lame counsel about the best thing would be to not get drunk in the first place, all while she's refilling her glass of wine.....what the? Sad that the only reason she could give was that alcohol is fattening....
4 of 14 | Posted by Thatswhatshesaid | Posted on December 21, 2008 5:18 PM
I'm new to the world of the OC housewives, so could you please tell me:
Who is Uncle Richie?
He has shown more parenting skills than anybody else on this show!
5 of 14 | Posted by pixielated | Posted on December 21, 2008 11:08 PM
i'm a first time poster but I always read the recaps and they're great!
is it just me or does gretchen resemble lauren graham aka lorelai gilmore from gilmore girls? imagine her with dark hair
6 of 14 | Posted by laurenb52 | Posted on December 22, 2008 4:56 PM
Osnapp: Thanks so much for the kind comments. I'm planning on hating my life for the next couple of weeks, so, hopefully, your theory holds true : )
Shantigal: OMG, you're so right about Lynne looking muddy. I couldn't figure out why she looked so strange.
Thatswhatshesaid: I agree. The parenting on this show is atrocious. I always feel bad for these kids on RealityTV.
Pixielated: As far as I understand it "Uncle Richie" is a close friend of Jeana's and hence her family. If anyone has any other info please dish.
Laurenb52: I'm so glad you took the time to chime in : ) I confess I had to google Lorelai Gilmore's image, but I can definitely see the resemblance.
Hugs for the holidays,
Yenta
7 of 14 | Posted by Yentapatrol | Posted on December 23, 2008 9:15 AM
This show kills me, all the women look the same. Gretchen and her Sugar Daddy make me want to puke!
About Uncle Richie.... isnt that matt's brother??
Who thinks that Vickie looks like miss piggy??
8 of 14 | Posted by fatgirlsrule | Posted on December 23, 2008 10:55 AM
Fatgirlsrule: Vicki is like that episode of Designing Women when Bernice got a nose job and looked like Miss Piggy. Her nose is way too short and small for her face.
It makes me sad that poor Jeff, even when stricken with a life-threatening disease, didn't gain enough perspective to realize that a bimbo attention-whore like Gretchen was not somebody who would (or could) be there for him in his hour of need. It seems that certain men have addictions to this indistinguishable, interchangeable type of woman that they take to the grave. I hope his family was more supportive.
Thank God that adorable Lauren Graham didn't try to become a Pamela Anderson lookalike!
9 of 14 | Posted by Pixielated | Posted on December 23, 2008 1:46 PM
I really don't understand why people continue to treat Jeff as some naive man who was duped or beguiled by some younger woman. While it's sad that he died(and even more so, while being filmed in connection with the RHOC), everyone should take into account the fact that he was on wife #5 or #6. The man was no fool. It is a pretty safe assumption that he knew what he was getting into by dating a much younger woman. I'd love for someone to explain how expressing a clear preference for a certain type of partner can be somehow construed as an addiction or some other affliction to be pitied. Yes, it would be great if he had an older, more mature woman to comfort him in his last days. At 30yrs old(or however old she is), Gretchen is definitely a bit immature and selfish. However, you can't discount the fact that the man with much more experience chose the woman he did. I think my biggest issue relates to the tendency for others to always castigate the woman in situation like this. He didn't choose her because of an addiction or some sort of trickery on her part. It seems pretty clear to me that what you see is what you get with Gretchen. She didn't hide the fact that she thought taking care of him was hard work while speaking/bickering with his daughter right in front of him. She's actually pretty cringe- worthy but seemingly honest in her interviews. At least more so than the other so-called housewives who are obviously playing it up for the cameras.
10 of 14 | Posted by anpz | Posted on December 24, 2008 1:09 AM
Uncle Ritchie was a batboy with the Oakland A's when Jeana's husband was a pitcher. He became a family friend.
11 of 14 | Posted by cleoiam | Posted on December 24, 2008 6:53 PM
Is Jeff still alive or has he died?
Oh... gotta go! Santa is here to stuff my stocking. Whoa... his package is huge!
12 of 14 | Posted by fatgirlsrule | Posted on December 24, 2008 9:42 PM
I think that this show is like watching a horrible accident. You don't really want to see the horror, but you can't believe what you're seeing so its hard to look away! Vicki is the most insecure, pathetic child/woman I've ever seen. If anyone in her life truly cared for her, they'd do an intervention and get her in some type of inpatient facility. She is borderline insane. Tamara isn't much better, always talking about her body and looks and sex. It's all a cry for help. Did no one love her as a child? I used to think that Jenna was the only one on the show with any sense, but lately she is coming off almost as shallow and needy as the rest. I'm sure this is to do with her newly "single" status. If you can be single and still be legally married. The only redeeming thing about the whole show is that it sends a message loud and clear to those of us who live in the "majority" of the "economic reality" in this country. Money does not bring happiness, or security, or love, or true friendship or admiration and respect. Obviously, none of these ladies have any of these things. These are the most unhappy, desperate, screwed up bunch of women! They can have any material thing they want and listen to them moan! The saddest thing about it all is that they are so unaware or non accepting of how they appear that they are allowing the rest of us to watch it and actually think we all envy them. Ironically, they are "icons" in a way that they would never, in their delusional perceptions of themselves, imagine. They are icons of the spoiled, greedy, self indulgent, miserable, purposeless, empty, shallow society that our country has fallen prey to. Certainly nothing here to be admired or aspire to. Kudos to the producers though. They know that people will watch this mess, just to feel better about themselves.
13 of 14 | Posted by annie | Posted on December 25, 2008 9:47 PM
Dear Yenta,
I've been gone too long.
I'm so glad you are reviewing this train wreck of a TV show.
Love the comments about Vicki fixing the vote. I wonder if she ever tires of bad-mouthing her ex to her children, apparently not.
Keep up the good work Yenta my love.
Happy Holidays
AnneM
14 of 14 | Posted by AnneM | Posted on December 27, 2008 7:35 PM