Before I make a premature judgement that Gretchen's slutty behavior stems from self-serving motives, she explains that her noble ambition is to put on a show for Jeff when he gets back from hospital. I'm pretty sure she's right; her personal burlesque show is either going to lift his spirits or give him a heart attack.
Over at Jeana's abode, preparations are underway for another type of dance. It's the day of her youngest son, Colton's, prom. Mama Jeana is all excited. Colton, not so much. Colton is supposed to leave the house at 4:15. So, what's he busy doing at 4:00? Sleeping of course. You show 'em how it's done, Dude. Don't bother leaving time for a shower, because any girl would love to go to the prom with a guy who's using cologne to cover up over-sleeping, sweat smells.
Like any proud momma, Jeana has a few words to say to her son before she releases him into the wild. First of all we don't want any drinking, before, after, or during the prom. Personally, I'm guessing that ole Coulton ordered himself a limo with a fully stocked bar, but I'm a cynical kind of mom. Even more importantly, Jeana reminds her son that she doesn't want to be a grandmother tonight.
Got that sonny boy? No drunken naked wangin bangin your prom date.
Colton manages to reassure his mother and dress himself in time to make it out to his limo, and he's looking mighty dapper. Uncle Ritchie and Jeana are the only family members around to see Colton off which seems a little sad. I'm also noticing that Uncle Ritchie is doing pretty well at logging in the camera time this season, especially considering that he's not a housewife, a love interest, or a relative. If he keeps up at this rate Jeana's going to have to start banging him just to justify his presence on the show. After all, he's already playing daddy figure since creepy, felon, Matt isn't around. Jeana shares that Colton needs a man around the house and since Matt is absent she's trying to be both a father and a mother. I'm guessing that when Matt is present, she still has to be the father. Without a daddy to help him, Colton had to make all of his own prom arrangements, like picking out his tux, renting the limo, and buying his own condoms. But, for that last man-to-man pre-prom pep talk, Uncle Ritchie is present to fill in, alongside Jeana and the camera crew. Possibly feeling like the presence of so many strangers is cramping his style, Uncle Richie gives a pretty pared down prep talk. "Wear a condom and don't drink and drive." Mama Jeana isn't impressed.
Seriously? That's the best you can do?
On the other hand, maybe Uncle Richie has it right. Keep it short and easy if you want people to remember what you're telling them. Besides, if more people could just master those two basic rules life would be so much better.
Last week, Vicki had the profound revelation that she has a much greater chance of groping a man if he is trapped on a boat with her. Buoyed by the memory, she is more determined than ever to buy a yacht of her own, and she's brought her entire family with her, including Michael's girlfriend, Lauren, to see her dream yacht. I can totally see how Vicki is a top life insurance sales person. She's the master of the hard sell and she's yammering away a mile a minute. The sale's guy doesn't even bother to make his pitch. He's probably sitting on the deck swigging a beer and taking notes.
Even Donn is getting enthusiastic about the yacht, while Michael just keeps happily repeating "trash compactor" over and over. I'd hate to see what his dorm room looks like. However, there's always one holdout in every group and this time it's Vicki's daughter, Briana. Vicki takes Briana and Lauren to lay out on the deck and explains what a de-stresser the yacht is, but Briana is still not up for selling her cherished childhood vacation home. Not even if it means that her mother will never have the money to purchase a cool boat perfect for trapping scores of unsuspecting boy toys with promises of pretty baubles, free drinks, and a chance at handling the wheel.
But darling, how else am I going to get laid?
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Comments (14)
You are fucking hilarious.
In my experience, it's the times when we are most pissed off at everything else in lives when our recaps are the funniest.
1 of 14 | Posted by osnapp | Posted on December 21, 2008 4:08 PM
Oh Yenta, you're a gem. No fair Lauren getting a vote on the yacht! Dirty, conniving, Vicki. I'm so used to seeing that orange spray tan on the girls that the new housewife just looks muddy to me, I want to scrub her.
I would give anything to have cameras recording your family this holy week. I'm sure that's a show in itself. Just think of how releived you'll be when it's over.
2 of 14 | Posted by shantigal | Posted on December 21, 2008 4:44 PM
It seemed to me that Cara was using the trip to the Gun Range as an excuse to hit on Simon! Does EVERYONE in the OC want Simon? First Vicki groping and stalking him on the boat last week, now this! I was glad Simon seemed (pretended?) to not notice! To me, Cara was really inappropriate with some of her commments and language; and Simon's(?) young children were there. I don't know if they were able to hear the conversation through the glass or not- I hope not.
3 of 14 | Posted by Thatswhatshesaid | Posted on December 21, 2008 4:46 PM
I forgot to comment that I was surprised at the conversation about hangovers held between Lynn and her 17 year old daughter. Who trades home remedies with their underage kids?! And then at the end, Lynn offered lame counsel about the best thing would be to not get drunk in the first place, all while she's refilling her glass of wine.....what the? Sad that the only reason she could give was that alcohol is fattening....
4 of 14 | Posted by Thatswhatshesaid | Posted on December 21, 2008 5:18 PM
I'm new to the world of the OC housewives, so could you please tell me:
Who is Uncle Richie?
He has shown more parenting skills than anybody else on this show!
5 of 14 | Posted by pixielated | Posted on December 21, 2008 11:08 PM
i'm a first time poster but I always read the recaps and they're great!
is it just me or does gretchen resemble lauren graham aka lorelai gilmore from gilmore girls? imagine her with dark hair
6 of 14 | Posted by laurenb52 | Posted on December 22, 2008 4:56 PM
Osnapp: Thanks so much for the kind comments. I'm planning on hating my life for the next couple of weeks, so, hopefully, your theory holds true : )
Shantigal: OMG, you're so right about Lynne looking muddy. I couldn't figure out why she looked so strange.
Thatswhatshesaid: I agree. The parenting on this show is atrocious. I always feel bad for these kids on RealityTV.
Pixielated: As far as I understand it "Uncle Richie" is a close friend of Jeana's and hence her family. If anyone has any other info please dish.
Laurenb52: I'm so glad you took the time to chime in : ) I confess I had to google Lorelai Gilmore's image, but I can definitely see the resemblance.
Hugs for the holidays,
Yenta
7 of 14 | Posted by Yentapatrol | Posted on December 23, 2008 9:15 AM
This show kills me, all the women look the same. Gretchen and her Sugar Daddy make me want to puke!
About Uncle Richie.... isnt that matt's brother??
Who thinks that Vickie looks like miss piggy??
8 of 14 | Posted by fatgirlsrule | Posted on December 23, 2008 10:55 AM
Fatgirlsrule: Vicki is like that episode of Designing Women when Bernice got a nose job and looked like Miss Piggy. Her nose is way too short and small for her face.
It makes me sad that poor Jeff, even when stricken with a life-threatening disease, didn't gain enough perspective to realize that a bimbo attention-whore like Gretchen was not somebody who would (or could) be there for him in his hour of need. It seems that certain men have addictions to this indistinguishable, interchangeable type of woman that they take to the grave. I hope his family was more supportive.
Thank God that adorable Lauren Graham didn't try to become a Pamela Anderson lookalike!
9 of 14 | Posted by Pixielated | Posted on December 23, 2008 1:46 PM
I really don't understand why people continue to treat Jeff as some naive man who was duped or beguiled by some younger woman. While it's sad that he died(and even more so, while being filmed in connection with the RHOC), everyone should take into account the fact that he was on wife #5 or #6. The man was no fool. It is a pretty safe assumption that he knew what he was getting into by dating a much younger woman. I'd love for someone to explain how expressing a clear preference for a certain type of partner can be somehow construed as an addiction or some other affliction to be pitied. Yes, it would be great if he had an older, more mature woman to comfort him in his last days. At 30yrs old(or however old she is), Gretchen is definitely a bit immature and selfish. However, you can't discount the fact that the man with much more experience chose the woman he did. I think my biggest issue relates to the tendency for others to always castigate the woman in situation like this. He didn't choose her because of an addiction or some sort of trickery on her part. It seems pretty clear to me that what you see is what you get with Gretchen. She didn't hide the fact that she thought taking care of him was hard work while speaking/bickering with his daughter right in front of him. She's actually pretty cringe- worthy but seemingly honest in her interviews. At least more so than the other so-called housewives who are obviously playing it up for the cameras.
10 of 14 | Posted by anpz | Posted on December 24, 2008 1:09 AM
Uncle Ritchie was a batboy with the Oakland A's when Jeana's husband was a pitcher. He became a family friend.
11 of 14 | Posted by cleoiam | Posted on December 24, 2008 6:53 PM
Is Jeff still alive or has he died?
Oh... gotta go! Santa is here to stuff my stocking. Whoa... his package is huge!
12 of 14 | Posted by fatgirlsrule | Posted on December 24, 2008 9:42 PM
I think that this show is like watching a horrible accident. You don't really want to see the horror, but you can't believe what you're seeing so its hard to look away! Vicki is the most insecure, pathetic child/woman I've ever seen. If anyone in her life truly cared for her, they'd do an intervention and get her in some type of inpatient facility. She is borderline insane. Tamara isn't much better, always talking about her body and looks and sex. It's all a cry for help. Did no one love her as a child? I used to think that Jenna was the only one on the show with any sense, but lately she is coming off almost as shallow and needy as the rest. I'm sure this is to do with her newly "single" status. If you can be single and still be legally married. The only redeeming thing about the whole show is that it sends a message loud and clear to those of us who live in the "majority" of the "economic reality" in this country. Money does not bring happiness, or security, or love, or true friendship or admiration and respect. Obviously, none of these ladies have any of these things. These are the most unhappy, desperate, screwed up bunch of women! They can have any material thing they want and listen to them moan! The saddest thing about it all is that they are so unaware or non accepting of how they appear that they are allowing the rest of us to watch it and actually think we all envy them. Ironically, they are "icons" in a way that they would never, in their delusional perceptions of themselves, imagine. They are icons of the spoiled, greedy, self indulgent, miserable, purposeless, empty, shallow society that our country has fallen prey to. Certainly nothing here to be admired or aspire to. Kudos to the producers though. They know that people will watch this mess, just to feel better about themselves.
13 of 14 | Posted by annie | Posted on December 25, 2008 9:47 PM
Dear Yenta,
I've been gone too long.
I'm so glad you are reviewing this train wreck of a TV show.
Love the comments about Vicki fixing the vote. I wonder if she ever tires of bad-mouthing her ex to her children, apparently not.
Keep up the good work Yenta my love.
Happy Holidays
AnneM
14 of 14 | Posted by AnneM | Posted on December 27, 2008 7:35 PM