Vicki knows that it's fatal to allow time for reflection after a high pressure sales pitch, so she quickly moves for the family vote. Generous to a fault she even includes Lauren. Because why not give the wishes of your son's girlfriend the same importance as your own daughter's wishes. Especially, when you know the girlfriend is going to vote the way you want and coincidentally completely neutralize your own daughter's vote. Oh, Vicki, you sneaky little vixen. You're a credit to cougars everywhere.
Briana is really upset about selling her childhood vacation home, and about her mother's fixing the vote, and about being ganged up on. So, she does exactly what I would do in a family crisis; throw a tantrum and cry a lot. Seriously, I'm planning on doing this a lot this week to keep my various guests from killing each other. Of course, Briana has the advantage of TV camera's. After all, there's no way that Vicki is going to take away the place of her daughter's most poignant memories on national TV. After this season ends, I'm guessing the Havasu house will be on the market with 24 hours. Sorry, Briana, but your mama's not getting any younger and she needs some boy bait.
All this family angst is just bringing me down, luckily our editors have decided that it's time to introduce the new housewife!! Yay!! It seems as though in the past Jeana has been the most common route of introduction onto this show, but I might be wrong about that. Anyhoo, Jeana's too busy worrying about whether she's a grandma and just doesn't know it, yet. So, Gretchen gets to do the honors. Having all these realtors on the show is handy that way because realtors offer a convenient excuse for having met just about anyone. In this case, our new housewife, Lynne, hired Gretchen to help her and her hubby to purchase some property. Of course, this led to an instant friendship and now they're BFF. Which means that we have the privilege of watching them do what BFF's do in Orange County. They shop, assume Betty Boop like poses, and check out each other's asses, while Gretchen makes thinly veiled catty comments.
I think Lynne looks great for her age. You know, being ancient and all and for having two daughters. Cuz there's nothing like multiple pregnancies to kill your figure. When you figure that she's done it twice, why it's amazing that she's doesn't look like pile of potatoes stuffed into a bag, so I think she looks great.
Despite her age and her pregnancies, Lynne is still a "a typical OC housewife, obsessed with being young"; translate this to a serious fitness freak, with the muscles of a twenty year old varsity wrestler. Seriously, do not fuck with this woman. With her penchant for kickboxing, I'm thinking that maybe the producers hired her like to take out Vicki in a catfight.
For the promise of a lifetime supply of botox, this woman would probably take out the pope.
Lynne's been married to her husband Frank for 18 years. Frank seems like a decent guy, which leads me to ask, what the hell is he doing on this show? Seriously, has he looked at the track record of men on this show: Slade Smiley, Matt Keough, Donn Gunvalson. So far, Simon is the only male that isn't victim to an insane wife, or a slimy foreclosed on jailbird. However, before I can think too much about the new dude, I'm totally distracted by their poor obese dachsund.
It looks like he's being fattened up for the Christmas feast.
Lynne has two charming girls, Alexis, age 15 and Raquel, age 17. Lest we think that this family is a tad bit boring, Lynne is quick to explain that Raquel's 18th birthday is around the corner and she wants a BMW and a major birthday bash. Whatever is a parent to do? After all, there's no MTV show titled "My sweet 18" featuring the parties of spoiled young rich girls. Either the parents are going to have to set some boundaries or go with the flow. I'm hoping that they go with the flow and the party morphs into some lunatic rave that brings police, drug sniffing dogs, and paparazzi. I have high standards for the Orange County Housewives.
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Comments (14)
You are fucking hilarious.
In my experience, it's the times when we are most pissed off at everything else in lives when our recaps are the funniest.
1 of 14 | Posted by osnapp | Posted on December 21, 2008 4:08 PM
Oh Yenta, you're a gem. No fair Lauren getting a vote on the yacht! Dirty, conniving, Vicki. I'm so used to seeing that orange spray tan on the girls that the new housewife just looks muddy to me, I want to scrub her.
I would give anything to have cameras recording your family this holy week. I'm sure that's a show in itself. Just think of how releived you'll be when it's over.
2 of 14 | Posted by shantigal | Posted on December 21, 2008 4:44 PM
It seemed to me that Cara was using the trip to the Gun Range as an excuse to hit on Simon! Does EVERYONE in the OC want Simon? First Vicki groping and stalking him on the boat last week, now this! I was glad Simon seemed (pretended?) to not notice! To me, Cara was really inappropriate with some of her commments and language; and Simon's(?) young children were there. I don't know if they were able to hear the conversation through the glass or not- I hope not.
3 of 14 | Posted by Thatswhatshesaid | Posted on December 21, 2008 4:46 PM
I forgot to comment that I was surprised at the conversation about hangovers held between Lynn and her 17 year old daughter. Who trades home remedies with their underage kids?! And then at the end, Lynn offered lame counsel about the best thing would be to not get drunk in the first place, all while she's refilling her glass of wine.....what the? Sad that the only reason she could give was that alcohol is fattening....
4 of 14 | Posted by Thatswhatshesaid | Posted on December 21, 2008 5:18 PM
I'm new to the world of the OC housewives, so could you please tell me:
Who is Uncle Richie?
He has shown more parenting skills than anybody else on this show!
5 of 14 | Posted by pixielated | Posted on December 21, 2008 11:08 PM
i'm a first time poster but I always read the recaps and they're great!
is it just me or does gretchen resemble lauren graham aka lorelai gilmore from gilmore girls? imagine her with dark hair
6 of 14 | Posted by laurenb52 | Posted on December 22, 2008 4:56 PM
Osnapp: Thanks so much for the kind comments. I'm planning on hating my life for the next couple of weeks, so, hopefully, your theory holds true : )
Shantigal: OMG, you're so right about Lynne looking muddy. I couldn't figure out why she looked so strange.
Thatswhatshesaid: I agree. The parenting on this show is atrocious. I always feel bad for these kids on RealityTV.
Pixielated: As far as I understand it "Uncle Richie" is a close friend of Jeana's and hence her family. If anyone has any other info please dish.
Laurenb52: I'm so glad you took the time to chime in : ) I confess I had to google Lorelai Gilmore's image, but I can definitely see the resemblance.
Hugs for the holidays,
Yenta
7 of 14 | Posted by Yentapatrol | Posted on December 23, 2008 9:15 AM
This show kills me, all the women look the same. Gretchen and her Sugar Daddy make me want to puke!
About Uncle Richie.... isnt that matt's brother??
Who thinks that Vickie looks like miss piggy??
8 of 14 | Posted by fatgirlsrule | Posted on December 23, 2008 10:55 AM
Fatgirlsrule: Vicki is like that episode of Designing Women when Bernice got a nose job and looked like Miss Piggy. Her nose is way too short and small for her face.
It makes me sad that poor Jeff, even when stricken with a life-threatening disease, didn't gain enough perspective to realize that a bimbo attention-whore like Gretchen was not somebody who would (or could) be there for him in his hour of need. It seems that certain men have addictions to this indistinguishable, interchangeable type of woman that they take to the grave. I hope his family was more supportive.
Thank God that adorable Lauren Graham didn't try to become a Pamela Anderson lookalike!
9 of 14 | Posted by Pixielated | Posted on December 23, 2008 1:46 PM
I really don't understand why people continue to treat Jeff as some naive man who was duped or beguiled by some younger woman. While it's sad that he died(and even more so, while being filmed in connection with the RHOC), everyone should take into account the fact that he was on wife #5 or #6. The man was no fool. It is a pretty safe assumption that he knew what he was getting into by dating a much younger woman. I'd love for someone to explain how expressing a clear preference for a certain type of partner can be somehow construed as an addiction or some other affliction to be pitied. Yes, it would be great if he had an older, more mature woman to comfort him in his last days. At 30yrs old(or however old she is), Gretchen is definitely a bit immature and selfish. However, you can't discount the fact that the man with much more experience chose the woman he did. I think my biggest issue relates to the tendency for others to always castigate the woman in situation like this. He didn't choose her because of an addiction or some sort of trickery on her part. It seems pretty clear to me that what you see is what you get with Gretchen. She didn't hide the fact that she thought taking care of him was hard work while speaking/bickering with his daughter right in front of him. She's actually pretty cringe- worthy but seemingly honest in her interviews. At least more so than the other so-called housewives who are obviously playing it up for the cameras.
10 of 14 | Posted by anpz | Posted on December 24, 2008 1:09 AM
Uncle Ritchie was a batboy with the Oakland A's when Jeana's husband was a pitcher. He became a family friend.
11 of 14 | Posted by cleoiam | Posted on December 24, 2008 6:53 PM
Is Jeff still alive or has he died?
Oh... gotta go! Santa is here to stuff my stocking. Whoa... his package is huge!
12 of 14 | Posted by fatgirlsrule | Posted on December 24, 2008 9:42 PM
I think that this show is like watching a horrible accident. You don't really want to see the horror, but you can't believe what you're seeing so its hard to look away! Vicki is the most insecure, pathetic child/woman I've ever seen. If anyone in her life truly cared for her, they'd do an intervention and get her in some type of inpatient facility. She is borderline insane. Tamara isn't much better, always talking about her body and looks and sex. It's all a cry for help. Did no one love her as a child? I used to think that Jenna was the only one on the show with any sense, but lately she is coming off almost as shallow and needy as the rest. I'm sure this is to do with her newly "single" status. If you can be single and still be legally married. The only redeeming thing about the whole show is that it sends a message loud and clear to those of us who live in the "majority" of the "economic reality" in this country. Money does not bring happiness, or security, or love, or true friendship or admiration and respect. Obviously, none of these ladies have any of these things. These are the most unhappy, desperate, screwed up bunch of women! They can have any material thing they want and listen to them moan! The saddest thing about it all is that they are so unaware or non accepting of how they appear that they are allowing the rest of us to watch it and actually think we all envy them. Ironically, they are "icons" in a way that they would never, in their delusional perceptions of themselves, imagine. They are icons of the spoiled, greedy, self indulgent, miserable, purposeless, empty, shallow society that our country has fallen prey to. Certainly nothing here to be admired or aspire to. Kudos to the producers though. They know that people will watch this mess, just to feel better about themselves.
13 of 14 | Posted by annie | Posted on December 25, 2008 9:47 PM
Dear Yenta,
I've been gone too long.
I'm so glad you are reviewing this train wreck of a TV show.
Love the comments about Vicki fixing the vote. I wonder if she ever tires of bad-mouthing her ex to her children, apparently not.
Keep up the good work Yenta my love.
Happy Holidays
AnneM
14 of 14 | Posted by AnneM | Posted on December 27, 2008 7:35 PM