Leaving the new housewife, we move on to pay a visit to awesome Simon. Simon is spending some quality time with Ryan, his resentful stepson. And what better way to demonstrate your faith and trust in someone than teaching him to shoot a gun. Personally, if I was Simon I would have started petitioning the courts years ago to declare Ryan unfit to own a weapon, but that's just me. I get nervous when people who have deep seated grudges against me are standing nearbye with loaded firearms. On the other hand, this isn't just any stepfather/stepson bonding experience, there's a purpose here. Amazingly enough, Ryan is planning on testing with the California Highway patrol, and, apparently, he has to have some proficiency with a gun.
Chicks dig guys with guns.
So, now it totally makes sense that Simon would be risking life and limb to help Ryan out. Hell, he's probably ready to throw a major hoedown party, if there's even the slightest chance that he won't end up supporting Ryan off and on for the rest of his life.
While the boys are a-shooting, Tamra is taking her friend, Anne, to meet Gretchen for lunch. OMG, this is such a high school thing to do. If you're uncomfortable meeting someone because they might be mad with you, you always bring a friend to hide behind. So, what's the uncomfortable topic that requires a bodyguard? Oh yeah, those mean things Tamra was saying about Gretchen in the limo. You know, the cute little quip about hanging on to your daddies, which I personally thought was funny. Then there's another Tamra comment about Gretchen looking familiar because she used to be a man. I'm pretty sure that this comment was edited out of the limo scene, possibly because it really is pretty bitchy. Before Gretchen can get upset and take a swing a Tamra starting a good old-fashioned catfight, ripping hair and yanking on bra straps, Tamra makes everything alright by explaining the concept of hazing.
So now I can pick on the new girl? Oh, Goody! Something else to do while Jeff's in the hospital.
Not wanting the suspense of the impending birthday party drama to build to a dangerous level, our editors take us to the restaurant where Lynne and her daughter Raquel are having lunch and discussing her birthday plans. Of course, Raquel wants a super expensive car, and so do I, so no surprise there. There's a little teaser disappointment when Lynne pushes for a smaller car, but the big disappointment comes when she tells Raquel that her dad's not going to go for a big party at the house. Well, Raquel's not going to take no for an answer. And, really, why should she, if she's used to getting her own way? She's a resourceful girl and she's going to figure out a way to have her birthday bash at the house with or without her mother. Oh goody, it's going to be a monster party, with cops and everything. I bet I read about it on TMZ. Lynn accepts Raquel's threat as a reason to relate drunken exploits from her own youth. Belatedly remembering her role as a mother, she awkwardly attempts to stick a moral on the end of her tale and brings up hangovers. However, darling little Raquel has not wasted her education. She has learned to Google and read which is enough to get by in life. Or at least to access really, really bad advice. Like treating a hangover by getting into a shower and switching the water temperature from hot to cold. I so hope they show Raquel trying this one the morning after her birthday party.
Lynne assures us that while her kids are not angels, they do have good hearts. And then tries another tactic to ward off her daughter's incipient alcoholic tendencies.
Remember, alcohol is fattening. So you either have to have lots of sex when you drink, or drink enough that you throw everything up anyway.
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Comments (14)
You are fucking hilarious.
In my experience, it's the times when we are most pissed off at everything else in lives when our recaps are the funniest.
1 of 14 | Posted by osnapp | Posted on December 21, 2008 4:08 PM
Oh Yenta, you're a gem. No fair Lauren getting a vote on the yacht! Dirty, conniving, Vicki. I'm so used to seeing that orange spray tan on the girls that the new housewife just looks muddy to me, I want to scrub her.
I would give anything to have cameras recording your family this holy week. I'm sure that's a show in itself. Just think of how releived you'll be when it's over.
2 of 14 | Posted by shantigal | Posted on December 21, 2008 4:44 PM
It seemed to me that Cara was using the trip to the Gun Range as an excuse to hit on Simon! Does EVERYONE in the OC want Simon? First Vicki groping and stalking him on the boat last week, now this! I was glad Simon seemed (pretended?) to not notice! To me, Cara was really inappropriate with some of her commments and language; and Simon's(?) young children were there. I don't know if they were able to hear the conversation through the glass or not- I hope not.
3 of 14 | Posted by Thatswhatshesaid | Posted on December 21, 2008 4:46 PM
I forgot to comment that I was surprised at the conversation about hangovers held between Lynn and her 17 year old daughter. Who trades home remedies with their underage kids?! And then at the end, Lynn offered lame counsel about the best thing would be to not get drunk in the first place, all while she's refilling her glass of wine.....what the? Sad that the only reason she could give was that alcohol is fattening....
4 of 14 | Posted by Thatswhatshesaid | Posted on December 21, 2008 5:18 PM
I'm new to the world of the OC housewives, so could you please tell me:
Who is Uncle Richie?
He has shown more parenting skills than anybody else on this show!
5 of 14 | Posted by pixielated | Posted on December 21, 2008 11:08 PM
i'm a first time poster but I always read the recaps and they're great!
is it just me or does gretchen resemble lauren graham aka lorelai gilmore from gilmore girls? imagine her with dark hair
6 of 14 | Posted by laurenb52 | Posted on December 22, 2008 4:56 PM
Osnapp: Thanks so much for the kind comments. I'm planning on hating my life for the next couple of weeks, so, hopefully, your theory holds true : )
Shantigal: OMG, you're so right about Lynne looking muddy. I couldn't figure out why she looked so strange.
Thatswhatshesaid: I agree. The parenting on this show is atrocious. I always feel bad for these kids on RealityTV.
Pixielated: As far as I understand it "Uncle Richie" is a close friend of Jeana's and hence her family. If anyone has any other info please dish.
Laurenb52: I'm so glad you took the time to chime in : ) I confess I had to google Lorelai Gilmore's image, but I can definitely see the resemblance.
Hugs for the holidays,
Yenta
7 of 14 | Posted by Yentapatrol | Posted on December 23, 2008 9:15 AM
This show kills me, all the women look the same. Gretchen and her Sugar Daddy make me want to puke!
About Uncle Richie.... isnt that matt's brother??
Who thinks that Vickie looks like miss piggy??
8 of 14 | Posted by fatgirlsrule | Posted on December 23, 2008 10:55 AM
Fatgirlsrule: Vicki is like that episode of Designing Women when Bernice got a nose job and looked like Miss Piggy. Her nose is way too short and small for her face.
It makes me sad that poor Jeff, even when stricken with a life-threatening disease, didn't gain enough perspective to realize that a bimbo attention-whore like Gretchen was not somebody who would (or could) be there for him in his hour of need. It seems that certain men have addictions to this indistinguishable, interchangeable type of woman that they take to the grave. I hope his family was more supportive.
Thank God that adorable Lauren Graham didn't try to become a Pamela Anderson lookalike!
9 of 14 | Posted by Pixielated | Posted on December 23, 2008 1:46 PM
I really don't understand why people continue to treat Jeff as some naive man who was duped or beguiled by some younger woman. While it's sad that he died(and even more so, while being filmed in connection with the RHOC), everyone should take into account the fact that he was on wife #5 or #6. The man was no fool. It is a pretty safe assumption that he knew what he was getting into by dating a much younger woman. I'd love for someone to explain how expressing a clear preference for a certain type of partner can be somehow construed as an addiction or some other affliction to be pitied. Yes, it would be great if he had an older, more mature woman to comfort him in his last days. At 30yrs old(or however old she is), Gretchen is definitely a bit immature and selfish. However, you can't discount the fact that the man with much more experience chose the woman he did. I think my biggest issue relates to the tendency for others to always castigate the woman in situation like this. He didn't choose her because of an addiction or some sort of trickery on her part. It seems pretty clear to me that what you see is what you get with Gretchen. She didn't hide the fact that she thought taking care of him was hard work while speaking/bickering with his daughter right in front of him. She's actually pretty cringe- worthy but seemingly honest in her interviews. At least more so than the other so-called housewives who are obviously playing it up for the cameras.
10 of 14 | Posted by anpz | Posted on December 24, 2008 1:09 AM
Uncle Ritchie was a batboy with the Oakland A's when Jeana's husband was a pitcher. He became a family friend.
11 of 14 | Posted by cleoiam | Posted on December 24, 2008 6:53 PM
Is Jeff still alive or has he died?
Oh... gotta go! Santa is here to stuff my stocking. Whoa... his package is huge!
12 of 14 | Posted by fatgirlsrule | Posted on December 24, 2008 9:42 PM
I think that this show is like watching a horrible accident. You don't really want to see the horror, but you can't believe what you're seeing so its hard to look away! Vicki is the most insecure, pathetic child/woman I've ever seen. If anyone in her life truly cared for her, they'd do an intervention and get her in some type of inpatient facility. She is borderline insane. Tamara isn't much better, always talking about her body and looks and sex. It's all a cry for help. Did no one love her as a child? I used to think that Jenna was the only one on the show with any sense, but lately she is coming off almost as shallow and needy as the rest. I'm sure this is to do with her newly "single" status. If you can be single and still be legally married. The only redeeming thing about the whole show is that it sends a message loud and clear to those of us who live in the "majority" of the "economic reality" in this country. Money does not bring happiness, or security, or love, or true friendship or admiration and respect. Obviously, none of these ladies have any of these things. These are the most unhappy, desperate, screwed up bunch of women! They can have any material thing they want and listen to them moan! The saddest thing about it all is that they are so unaware or non accepting of how they appear that they are allowing the rest of us to watch it and actually think we all envy them. Ironically, they are "icons" in a way that they would never, in their delusional perceptions of themselves, imagine. They are icons of the spoiled, greedy, self indulgent, miserable, purposeless, empty, shallow society that our country has fallen prey to. Certainly nothing here to be admired or aspire to. Kudos to the producers though. They know that people will watch this mess, just to feel better about themselves.
13 of 14 | Posted by annie | Posted on December 25, 2008 9:47 PM
Dear Yenta,
I've been gone too long.
I'm so glad you are reviewing this train wreck of a TV show.
Love the comments about Vicki fixing the vote. I wonder if she ever tires of bad-mouthing her ex to her children, apparently not.
Keep up the good work Yenta my love.
Happy Holidays
AnneM
14 of 14 | Posted by AnneM | Posted on December 27, 2008 7:35 PM