One of Gretchen's girlfriends takes her cue from a PA and tells her in a sincere voice that "anyone" (meaning Jeff) going through that situation (meaning cancer) would be so lucky to have someone who loves them and is there for them (meaning Gretchen). I don't know how you do it." Gretchen almost brings tears to my eyes with the pathos of her response: "You do your hair and makeup, and make yourself look pretty on the outside, but you can break down anytime on the inside." While I'm still sniffling, Gretchen adds that she and Jeff had a rule, when he first got diagnosed, that "we were going to live our life to the same level that we lived it before." I can only give her credit for having the sense to remove herself and the camera crew to Dallas so that Jeff wouldn't be inconvenienced by them if he did come back home from the hospital while she was gone.
The day's meetings at the Living Inspired and Fully Engaged seminar are reaching a crescendo. Our borderline, pill popping, crack ho takes a moment to proudly tell us that "this is all I do. I change people's lives." Meanwhile a lieutenant preacher assures her audience that they're standing on the cusp of a wave, because soon enough Vickiantity will be sweeping through the nation with churches on every corner right next to the local crack house. Sadly, our savior is a wee bit lacking in the serenity department right now. That Goddamn apostle Michael has been seriously slacking. He was supposed to be spending his day worshipping at Vicki's feet and he hasn't even tried to contact her.
Well, that went well. Bruised but still defiant, Michael does what any man would do after being publicly remonstrated by his mother; he grabs his buddy and heads for the bar. What a surprise, dapper Donn is already there. Michael slides onto the stool next to his slightly inebriated step-father and indignantly demands to know how Donn got out of attending Vicki's meetings. Donn orders another drink and admits that he'll probably catch "the wrath of it later."
These family segments are so heartwarming. Having dispensed with the slutty cousin and douchebag Ryan, Tamra and her father carry some folding chairs outside to sit by the river, and my stomach clenches. This is it, the Tamra/Dad cryfest. Her father tells her a little plaintively that he'd like to think that he was a good parent. Tamra agrees and I take a big swig of my martini. Dad continues that he'd also like to think that Tamra and her brother had a normal childhood. Tamra continues to agree. Way to go dad. We're off to a good start here. Everybody's agreeing, there aren't any tears, and I've just refilled my drink. Holla!! But Tamra's not one to dwell on the good times. Nope, she jumps right over her happy childhood and lands on those years in her twenties when her parents divorced. She tells her father that he and her mother did a really good job keeping their relationship problems away from their kids. Tamra's dad sighs in a resigned fashion like he knows where this is going on camera and he just wants to get it over with. He tells Tamra that it was difficult living with her mother because she wasn't a happy person and he couldn't make her happy. If only he had known that the key to his ex-wife's happiness lay in the hands of a well-dressed plastic surgeon. But, sadly, Dad had no idea what to do, so he decided to make some big changes to make himself happy; chiefly getting a divorce and marrying his ex-wife's best friend. I bet that really helped his ex-wife's general depression.
Then a few details come out that cause me to feel a little sympathy for Tamra. I hate it when that happens. It turns out that wife number two was kind of a bitch. Go figure. Who'd have thunk that a woman who would marry her BFF's husband six months after they divorced would turn out to be a bitch? This lovely lady didn't want Tamra or her brother around and it seems like Dad just went along with his new wife's wishes. WTF? I hate to say it but there might be some reason for Tamra's issues.
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Comments (28)
Not too sure if these will make you laugh, but for a show this petty and shallow I thought that I would make my petty and shallow observations of said people on the show.
Really I try to keep these types of judgments out of my head, but I can't help it with these ladies.
But has anyone noticed the way that the left side (her right side) of her nose sort of does the elvis flair/snarl. It is really distracting. And speaking of wax dolls that live.
Is anyone else scared/weirded out when Lynne talks? Everything on her face never moves not even her lips. It is just frozen in time and it is just like the face of the ghost of housewives past, Lauri Warring. Yike too much botox and face lifts.
Also I think that the Electra Complex, Oedipus Complex and any other twisted sexual fantasy or desire is alive and well in Tamra's little brain. Remember too she spent some of last week's episode trying to get her mom laid.
And I hope that one of Jeff's ex-wives or his family member told Gretchen to get the fuck out and go some place with the cameras, so Bravo wouldn't be shooting Jeff's remaining days. I thought there might be hope for Gretchen, but I am not too sure about that now.
The rest of the episode left too much of my spirit crushed to say much more about. Plus this comment is getting a little long in the tooth.
And again: Bravo to Yenta! Every recap I laugh just a little bit more than the week before. And as always you were spot on with your observations of these women and what makes them tick.
1 of 28 | Posted by areyoucliff | Posted on February 15, 2009 8:27 AM
I only recently started following HouseWives and Jeana always seemed so low key (when it comes to Vicky) that I'm shocked at what monsters her children are. If she can verbally smackdown (or just call out) an adult child, why can't she do it with her own?
Also, I keep thinking Vicki would be an attractive woman if not for all the makeup, tanning, extreme dieting, and hair bleaching.
2 of 28 | Posted by anicho01 | Posted on February 15, 2009 8:44 AM
I'm wondering when Vickie started taking the diet pills. As you rightly observed, her ass looked huge in the wall climbing shots. It will provide nice padding for the next time she falls flat on said ass.
Areyoucliff, I think you're probably correct about Jeff's family telling Gretchen to get the hell out. I thought that a couple of episodes ago when she was complaining to Jeana about a confrontation with one of Jeff's ex wives at the hospital.
Yenta, your recaps are so anticipated and I am selfishly happy that we will have you seamlessly moving over to the RHNY. Hooray for Yenta and crazy bi-coastal housewives.
3 of 28 | Posted by shantigal | Posted on February 15, 2009 9:03 AM
I completely forgot that Lynn was even in this episode. We saw their "romantic" getaway to San Diego. Yawn. And 5 minutes of Grandma fattening up the kids. I was hoping to see Grandma lay down the law to Raquel about her drinking underage or some other mature parenting that her parents don't know how to do. I was disappointed that the cigarettes were Alexa's, but not altogether surprised that her parents didn't think they were hers. I hope this show helps Lynn and Frank become more engaged parents.
Enough of that, did anyone else think Gretchen looked YEARS older than her "college buddies"? I kept wondering if they were even really friends! After the walk down memory lane recapping how they knew each other, they didn't seem to have much in common. I did like the mother of the baby telling Gretchen to give her child back when Gretchen joked about teaching her about guys. And how! :)
I agree they must not have had much material for this show. Did we really need to see each hour tick by of Jeana and Cara fighting with each other in the car? Jeana seems to be capable of being just as abusive to her kids as her kids are to her. And yes, it was very surprising and refreshing to see Colton be so sweet to his mom.
Woo-hoo! One more week and then it's the NYC wives. I might be in the minority, but I really enjoyed their season. It seemed to have more interesting substantive people. And they have their Vicki-like crazy too!
4 of 28 | Posted by Thatswhatshesaid | Posted on February 15, 2009 9:35 AM
Sorry, as long as my comment was, I forgot to mention that I thought the ex-stripper in Vicki's seminar looked like LaVerne from I Want to Work for Diddy! I didn't believe she was a "real" woman until she said she got pregnant. I had been CONVINCED she was transgendered at best.
5 of 28 | Posted by Thatswhatshesaid | Posted on February 15, 2009 9:53 AM
Oh, Yenta. I too lived in a basement apartment in Tribeca and after two months of only knowing what time it was by the delivery guys walking over the metal grates out front, I moved into a one bedroom with two other friends. A vast improvement, by the way.
I love your recaps and can't wait for your next take on the RH of NY. You crack me up and almost make these women bearable.
6 of 28 | Posted by twunty mcslore | Posted on February 15, 2009 10:59 AM
Yenta, you're right about the timeline with Gretchen. She was in Dallas on Labor Day weekend, and Jeff died 2 weeks later. Appalling! All this time I've wavered on whether she's a gold-digging whore or just a fun, happy girl, but this definitively answers it.
Also she does look way older than her friends and most 30 year olds because she spackles on the makeup unnecessarily. At least Vicki is trying to cover acne scars. Really just disgusted with her.
It was hilarious how nary-a-clue Lynn and Frank agreed the cigarettes weren't Alexa's, and Alexa immediately interviews "they were mine."
7 of 28 | Posted by real_atlanta_girl | Posted on February 15, 2009 3:45 PM
I have just started reading the recap and have to tell you, Yenta - I think you have outdone yourself! I do not think there ever was or ever will be anything on par with your opening line: 'Vicki starts her own cult, Lynne plays with her husband's pole, Jeana discovers homeless people, Gretchen finally takes a vacation...'. Especially the Gretchen part had me in stitches! I don't know how I'll ever get thru the recap in its entirety if this is how it starts! You are the BEST :)
8 of 28 | Posted by renata | Posted on February 15, 2009 5:55 PM
Yenta, as always, you crack me up! I now have a picture of Flipit as Jesus in my head that dissolves me into giggles everytime.
Aaaah, college apartments....mine involved living in an illegal attic apartment that felt like it was about 5000 degrees in the summer. Good times. But door man was GORgeous. :)
Love your stuff - can't wait til you take on the NYC ladies!!!
9 of 28 | Posted by PottyMouth | Posted on February 16, 2009 5:50 AM
What was the deal with Kara and her bitchiness?? I would have slapped her silly if she had talked to me like that. Ungrateful little shits!
I just dont get this Life with Vicki workshop... what exactly is Vicki supposed to be doing to change people's lives?? By selling insurance? So? It was funny when she said that the next workshop would have a thousand people, and there were only a few at this one. Gotta love the stripper! You cant stay on the pole forever, but try telling that to Lynne,LOL! Loved the "Those aint Alexis' ciggarettes" storyline. I wish Raquel would cut her nasty,dry,broken off,frizzy hair. If she would just get those ragged ends off, there would be such a difference.
Yenta~~~ I can not believe that you didnt mention Tamra's cousin telling Ryan that her Puss ate the mouse~~~~ WTF???? That family is Wack!!
I wonder who Jeana mystery man is? I thought of Alan Jackson when I saw the boots, but I think he is married. Thank goodness she didnt wear the blue dress with the pouch on the butt... At least Colton was being nice and polite, dont see that to much from the spoiled kids.
10 of 28 | Posted by fatgirlsrule | Posted on February 16, 2009 7:34 AM
fatsgirlrule: Yes!!! How could Yenta not mention the bit about the mouse and the puss??.....It was the most unnecessary and disturbing comment this episode.
11 of 28 | Posted by Baxter | Posted on February 16, 2009 11:03 AM
Yenta! Great recap, you are right about following Flipit like Jesus, I'm actually making a pilgrimage to JerusalosAngeles this weekend to touch him and be healed of Ikki-ness.
I didn't like Jeana before because I thought she had done a terrible job of parenting and all of her kids sucked shit through a tube. I still feel that way, Shane is an asshat, Kara's a rich-bitch and Colton shows rare "moments" of humanity, but the rest of the time he's just as much of a dickbag as the rest of his siblings. And Jeana obviously has blinded herself to the faults of her kids through food and self-delusion and denial. And she put them all on TV, hmmm, I wonder why her kids aren't so well liked by the public?
And Gretchen, gosh, I guess I want to feel sorry for her that her beloved fiance died... but then I keep seeing all the goddamned vacations she's taken in order to be on TV and just how easily distracted she is by other penises floating by. I'm curious, did Jeff die and she did NOT get any of his money? I think that would have served her right.
As far as Vicki is concerned, Yenta, girl, I have been giggling all morning over "L.I.F.E." Poor Donn, I hope he has a great masturbatory life.
Awesome job, loved it so much, can't wait to see if New York steps it up this season!
love, J-Mo :)
12 of 28 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on February 16, 2009 11:19 AM
Yenta - I loved your recap! I have to second and third what fatgirlsrule and baxter said - how could you not say something about the slutty cousin's mouse and pussy joke?! I was sure you were going to be all over that one! Maybe you were refilling the martini glass? :)
13 of 28 | Posted by olderandwiser | Posted on February 16, 2009 12:11 PM
Yenta - I have to second Baxter and fatgirlsrule's comment about you not mentioning the slutty cousin's mouse and pussy joke. I thought you'd be all over that! Maybe you were away refilling your martini glass?? :)
14 of 28 | Posted by olderandwiser | Posted on February 16, 2009 12:14 PM
Sorry for the redundant message!! Time to go back to computer school!
15 of 28 | Posted by olderandwiser | Posted on February 16, 2009 12:19 PM
Hey Folks:
Areyoucliff: Please don't ever stop making your friggin hilarious "petty and shallow" observations. I totally appreciate the laughs.
anicho01: I wondered the same thing about Jeana. It seems like she's fine with standing up to anyone that she's not related to or isn't married to. Family ties do strange things to people.
Shantigal: Thanks for the encouraging words. It always makes me a little nervous to start a different show.
Thatswhatshesaid: I tend to like the NYC hausenfrau better as well. While I "auditioned" for the Gasm on the OC housewives, the NYC housewives were my first gig here last year. I guess that makes them kind of special. sniff.
Twunty McSlore: Either you're alot younger than I am or we probably crossed paths at some point in NY. I used to frequent the pyramid club as well some twenty odd years ago (assuming it's the same pyramid club).
real_atlanta_girl: I've been having the same back and forth feelings about Gretchen, but this weeks episode did it for me as well. I almost feel bad for her, because now she has to live with her behavior having been televised. Oh well, it's only for fifteen minutes and then she'll be forgotten.
Renata: I'm so glad you got a laugh from the recap. It makes my day.
Pottymouth: Flipit may never forgive me for the Jesus reference/image. Even in my old age, I still appreciate gorgeous doormen : )
Fatgirlsrule Baxter and Olderandwiser: I am soooooo sorry. I had a short paragraph about the comment, but I thought it was just too over the top and offensive to keep in, so I decided to take it out, and then I forgot about it. I promise I will try never to make that mistake again.
J-Mo: OMG I am so jealous that you guys get to hang out and party. I hope you have a blast, and please do your best to hook Flipit up with a cute guy. Love your comments, but I totally miss reading your recaps.
You guys rock!!
Hugs,
Yenta
16 of 28 | Posted by yentapatrol | Posted on February 16, 2009 1:51 PM
Was it just me, or was Tamra's dad a little insensitive with his "You shouldn't question that" comment, when she asked if he loved her. Um...You married mom's bff and didn't see your kids for years because she (the other woman) didn't want you to...nice.
Gretchen: Ick. Let's hope Jeff forgot to include her in his will.
Lynn: Too clueless for me to even comment on.
Jeana: Too bad about the blue dress as I loved the color on her. Maybe she can donate it to the "bummers" in Berkeley? Hated her for those comments. Maybe Kara needs to live as a homeless person for a day...might make her a little more compassionate.
17 of 28 | Posted by tikibar | Posted on February 16, 2009 2:21 PM
J-Mo,
I think that Jeana blames herself for exposing her kids to the horror that was Matt and cuts them a lot of slack for their behavior. What she really needs to do is draw the line (or boundary) and not let them cross it. It's a disservice to them to let them act like that without consequences.
I knew a guy who felt so guilty over divorcing his kid's mother that he let the kid do anything he wanted and gave him money all the time. This boy is not abusive but is a major loser who has done time in prison. One thing we need to teach our kids is that the rest of the world doesn't care about them like we do.
I feel bad for Tamra and the situation with her dad. What is she supposed to think when her dad cut her out of his life for five years? That he loved her so much he couldn't stand to see her? It makes me wonder if Vicki comes from the same sort of background, with all of her "do you love me" neediness.
18 of 28 | Posted by pixielated | Posted on February 16, 2009 2:50 PM
Yenta,
I loved that the ship blew it's horn everytime Vickie was speaking. And how about her talking about the hundreds/thousands of people signing up for her seminar, camera pans to the half dozen peeps that actually showed up, LOL!! I think Vickie needs some math lessons, cause when she was telling her story about getting into insurance she starts by saying she was 28 and now 8 years later there she is, um Vick 28 and 8 = 36, and you just admitted you're 46. Duh!!
I just read that Jeff's oldest daughter was one of the three that got added to the Rock of Love bus, it was a week after Jeff passed away and Bret ended up letting her go on Sunday's episode. Jennifer is her name. I'm surprised Gretchen isn't on the bus considering how stressed out she is....
19 of 28 | Posted by featherhead | Posted on February 17, 2009 7:57 AM
Yenta,
Sorry for being tardy to the party, but add my kudos to the list for your awesome recap. And aren't dirty vodka martinis with blue cheese olives da bomb?
I thought the line of the night was Vicki's delusional Mother Theresa line (paraphrasing here) "if you can get one more dancer off the pole, then it's worth it". OMG, my couch needs to be shampooed after the accident I had at that one... saving pole dancers, one insurance policy at a time. Maybe she should hook up with DeShawn from RHOA and start a "foundation". And agree with fatgirlsrule - the 6 people in her "very popular" sessions was hilarious. Anyone else cheering for the rock climbing guy to drop her on her well padded ass?
Otherwise agree with the gasmi that Lynne and Frank really have their heads up their butts - I sincerly hope for a 15 year reunion show to show us what has happened to those girls... or maybe I DON'T want to know.
Glad we only have a few epis left - I'm running low on vodka. Yenta girl, thanks for making me laugh at this train wreck! xoxo
20 of 28 | Posted by njgasmifan | Posted on February 17, 2009 8:07 AM
Some of this show seems so staged I can't even suspend my easily suspended reality show belief.
Lynne and her husband were clearly delivering canned "I don't believe they're Alexis's cigarettes" lines. Not even they're THAT stupid.
Vicky's douchebag son Michael always has this half smirk on his mug that makes me think none of the little life conflicts he has with Vicky aren't staged and refilmed, either.
I'm also pretty sure they just film each housewife doing half a dozen "reaction shots" at the beginning of the season, so they can drop in the footage whenever they need "drama".
21 of 28 | Posted by NotWithoutMyTV | Posted on February 17, 2009 10:07 AM
Dear Yenta,
What a wonderful recap.
When ever Vicki is on TV, my little dog Dino runs at the TV barking!! He hates her!
Anyway I saw the part where Vicki mentions that if she can get one woman off the pole and into the insurance business then it will be worth it.
What a load of crap!!!!
If there was a pole in any one of the many bars she frequents in her city of Coto, or her vacation home of Lake Havasu or in Chicago, she would climb up there and onto that pole with her fat ass and her botoxed face and bleached hair faster than you can say "Shut up Vicki!!!'"
The only way she is going to lead a new religion/cult/seminar is if she drugs everybody and ties them to their chairs so they can't escape.
Your loyal follower (you are the ANTI-VICKI)
TVannie
22 of 28 | Posted by AnneM | Posted on February 17, 2009 4:49 PM
I watched this episode again last night and it looked to me like the cruise ship was always docked at the same port. Could it have been that this was staged?? Hmmmmm.
23 of 28 | Posted by fatgirlsrule | Posted on February 18, 2009 2:05 AM
Or more likely the ship facilities were just rented while in port. Three days isn't enough time for a cruise to go anywhere except out and back to the same port. Usually they last two weeks and dock at four or five places.
To do a private event on a cruise ship you rent facilities not have the ship just take you out. So I think that while the ship is doing maintance dock work they can still rent out places for people to have events. Not 100% sure but often times mundane reasons are the best explanation for something that appears to be staged in the world of television.
24 of 28 | Posted by yeschef | Posted on February 18, 2009 10:14 AM
Enjoy the recap more than the show.
Vicki is just a controlling person..unfortunately if she was good she would do it without anyone knowing..only suspecting.
Jeana is a "pleaser"..which is why she is so successful at real estate...it has it's advantages...but when it comes to your children...they usually end up out of control...
None of these women are classy...their language is so low class...and they might buy nice clothes or live in nice homes...but their language is something they do not hide.
The cruise is a 3 day cruise out of LA...makes one stop in Ensenda...and is very cheap...usually around $250pp...and they will make conference rooms available if you book a minimum number of rooms...it's often referred to as the "booze cruise" since that's what people do for the 3 days.
These woman are so dysfunctional..it's why so many watch..it's really unbelievable they think otherwise...
Shopping, eating and vacationing is not much of a life...to bad they don't have the values of Vicki's daughter...I never hear any community activities or events in any of their lives...I suppose OC charites should be thankful.
25 of 28 | Posted by lvken | Posted on February 18, 2009 10:30 AM
I live on the East Coast, and there are three day cruises to the Bahamas. I have been on three carnival cruises, we went to mexico twice and then to the Southern carribean once. I wouldnt do less then one week. Cant wait to go on another one, it's the life.....WooHoo!!!
Oh,about the cigarrete storyline, I thought about what I did when I was 12. I bought a pack of cigs b/c me and my BF were going to start smoking. This was back in the 70's, so nobody thought twice about a kid buying a pack of smokes. Well, my mamma found them in my purse, and I told her that they belonged to my neighbor and they neighbor wanted me to keep them so that her teen son wouldnt smoke them. My mom was like, "Oh, OK". That was my first lesson in life that I was capable of getting away with anything.
26 of 28 | Posted by fatgirlsrule | Posted on February 18, 2009 10:32 AM
I live on the East Coast, and there are three day cruises to the Bahamas. I have been on three carnival cruises, we went to mexico twice and then to the Southern carribean once. I wouldnt do less then one week. Cant wait to go on another one, it's the life.....WooHoo!!!
Oh,about the cigarrete storyline, I thought about what I did when I was 12. I bought a pack of cigs b/c me and my BF were going to start smoking. This was back in the 70's, so nobody thought twice about a kid buying a pack of smokes. Well, my mamma found them in my purse, and I told her that they belonged to my neighbor and they neighbor wanted me to keep them so that her teen son wouldnt smoke them. My mom was like, "Oh, OK". That was my first lesson in life that I was capable of getting away with anything.
27 of 28 | Posted by fatgirlsrule | Posted on February 18, 2009 10:32 AM
"These woman are so dysfunctional..it's why so many watch..it's really unbelievable they think otherwise...
Shopping, eating and vacationing is not much of a life"
It's a life to a lot of wealthy republicans hence why they get their lower and middle class rubes to scream that taxes will take place under a Democrat when in reality it's only these lazy rich that get taxed by Democrats. Republicans on the other hand tax the middle class and give the tax cuts to the lazy wealthy.
If you want a good economy that runs well with benefits for all history has shown that you elect a democrat.
28 of 28 | Posted by yeschef | Posted on February 18, 2009 2:53 PM