Real Housewives of Orange County: Mean Girls Part II: The Menopausal Years

Dear Gasmii,

Welcome back to the home sweet home of our favorite buxom botoxed ladies. A place where self indulgence is a must, and it's always okay to ask for more.

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In Orange County even the bunnies are super happy to see you. And, yes, that is a furry purple penis you're looking at. My apologies.

This week Tamra gets slutty, Gretchen straddles a bike, Vicki gets even weirder, and Lauri is so over all of it. Thankfully, Jeana is still sane. So, grab a couple bottles of wine and take the jump...

Tonight we start off with the adventures of Tamra and her newly stay-at-home hubby, Simon. Simon has quit his day job with the Mercedes dealership to start his own company, which translates to newly laid off and drunk 24/7. Actually, that's pure speculation. Simon seems like a decent husband and he may really want to spend more time with his family. Tamra on the other hand seems a tad bit stressed by the constant presence of her loving husband, not to mention those God damn needy midgets running around her house, demanding attention, and calling her Mommy. You know, almost like they were toddlers.

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I used to work for Cirque de Soleil, until this woman kidnapped me, dressed me a like a little kid, and made me call her Mommy. Some day I'll break free.

Now that her son, Ryan, has left the nest, Tamra has plans to turn his bedroom into her new workout room. As a parent, I completely appreciate this plan. If you don't reclaim each piece of the house as soon as they move out, the next thing you know your kids will be moving back in with trash bags full of depressingly dirty laundry for you to wash.

Lucky, lucky, Simon. Not only does he get to haul all of Tamra's workout equipment from it's current place in their bedroom into the new room, but he gets to be yelled at too. Either Simon's the worst mover ever, or there's a little passive aggression taking place here. It's really a neat little cycle they have going. Tamra bitches and Simon accidentally destroys another little piece of the house, leaving an ever-widening swath of destruction.

Meanwhile, our friendly editors are supplying us with a voiceover of Simon explaining his philosophy that to raise healthy kids it's super important to have a healthy relationship with your spouse. What's particularly inspiring about Tamra and Simon's relationship is the full extent to which Tamra embraces her husband's philosophy on child rearing. And, it's nice to see how secure Tamra can feel about her daughter's well being, when she screams at her to shut the fuck up because mommy is busy bitching at daddy. After all, as long as Simon has a house to beat the crap out of, their relationship is going to be solid and that's all that matters. And, oh yeah, Daddy and Mommy are about to go on vacation to celebrate ten years of wrecked houses and wedded bliss.

With some driving bluesy music in the background, we go to visit with Gretchen and Jeff, while Gretchen does what Gretchen does best; shop that is. Today we're looking at large shiny objects called motorcycles. In Gretchen's mind, motorcycles and jewelry, like most sparkly, shiny things in the world, exist for no other purpose than to serve as accessories to set off her blond assets. Like any other thirty-year-old woman, with the determined focus of an acquisitive twelve year old, Gretchen wants a pink motorcycle so that people will know that she's a girl. Not only that, but a pink bike will totally stand out, which is important when you need to be the focus of attention 24/7.

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Apparently, Gretchen's tastes are strong with the preteen demographic.

Discovering that there are no pink bikes in the adult store, Gretchen wanders over to a random shiny bike that catches her eye and asks the sales guy if it's a cool bike for a girl to own. Ascertaining that in the sales guy's considered opinion, based on years of expertise, that it is in fact a cool bike for a girl to own, Gretchen immediately follows her natural instinct and straddles it.

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The bike's only worth $10,000.

While she continues to discuss such weighty issues as spiked heels or flat boots, Jeff shuffles over with an ad for riding lessons. Thank the Lord, because the thought of this woman weaving through California traffic on her pretty new bike, leaving a trail of wreckage and destruction in her wake, is what my traffic nightmares are made of.

Real Housewives of Orange County: Mean Girls Part II: The Menopausal Years Sections:  1  |  2  |  3  |  4  |  5  |  6  |  7 

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Comments (18)

kaya208:

Vicki seriously needs some meds, it seems. I think she will find herself completely alone if she doesn't change her ways. Jeanna is the only one she has left and even she is probably near the end of her rope. I hate how Lauri puts her first 2 kids down all the time. She will probably hold the littlest one on a pedestal until she manages to majorly screw up somehow, which will happen.
Why does Jeanna keep that pos husband around? And where is that lil bastard Colton these days? Hopefully they shipped his ass off to bootcamp.
Gretchen seems nice. I hope her and Vicki come to blows. Vicki needs someone to put her ass in place.
Tamra seems to be hating not being the hottest housewife anymore. Poor thing...yeah right lol!

LAjane:

You know, I'm with kaya - I hope Gretchen punches Vicki at some point. Her craziness used to be mildly amusing, but she needs to lay off the smack and pick herself up Lithium, stat. She's hard to take for even 2 minute segments now.

cleoiam:

Vicki is so annoying and rude. I'm sure Don didn't adopt her children b/c Vicki didn't want that. Does anyone think Don had any say in the issue? How can she make that much money selling insurance? I know a few well-educated people who work in insurance (actuary, lawyer) and no one lives like Vicki. She has 3 homes and takes endless trips. She lives like a mogul or a pro-athlete.

Tamra has grown on me. She's a bit loud and crazy, but when she needs to, she can be real and practical. She also seems grateful for what she has.

I can't take Gretchen's baby talk when she's around Jeff. Even when she was on the phone at the spa you could tell he was hurting and wanted to get off the phone. I'm glad she put Vicki in her place.

cleoiam:

Vicki is so annoying and rude. I'm sure Don didn't adopt her children b/c Vicki didn't want that. Does anyone think Don had any say in the issue? How can she make that much money selling insurance? I know a few well-educated people who work in insurance (actuary, lawyer) and no one lives like Vicki. She has 3 homes and takes endless trips. She lives like a mogul or a pro-athlete.

Tamra has grown on me. She's a bit loud and crazy, but when she needs to, she can be real and practical. She also seems grateful for what she has.

I can't take Gretchen's baby talk when she's around Jeff. Even when she was on the phone at the spa you could tell he was hurting and wanted to get off the phone. I'm glad she put Vicki in her place.

sweetleaf:

Oh yeah, Quinn.
I forgot about her.

Baxter:

Did anyone not think Vicki was a workaholic before this episode? Because if you didn't thank god she reminded us 50 times about how hard she works. People that tell you how hard they work are one of the most obnoxious personalities out there.

spellbound:

I may be mistaken, but I thought I saw Quinn lurking in the background at the Roberto Cavalli trunk show held at Jeanna's house. Maybe she will return if Lauri does indeed leave the show.

reckless_saturn_11:

i am still confused on why most of these women look like transvestites? is it their too large heads? or the huge amount of plastic surgery? what is it? can someone explain.

also watch lauri talk. her lips never move actually her face never moves. it is scary.
babe lay off the botox, babe.

kara:

Vicki is intolerable, she is just RIDICULOUS. I agree, I think she lives outside her means. Either that or she moonlights as a crack dealer and dips heavily into her stash...OFTEN.

Lauri is just apparently too good for them or the show anymore (and in the montage of previews it only shows her in scenes already aired I believe, so it looks like she is on her way out) and Jeana just rocks. Still disgusted from the episode where she needed confirmation George still loved her and THEN needed reasons?! RIDICULOUS as well.

Gretchen seems nice, but really, does she need a pink bike for people to know she is a girl!? Is there any possible way that her body/figure could be mistaken for a guys!? I doubt it greatly.

And Tamra - I disliked her SO much in this episode. Scratched floors are not the end of the world, and she not only spent time fretting about them while denying her daughter attention, she told her to SHUT UP. What mother does that?! That's just terrible.

Reckless, I agree, Lauri's face is freakishly frozen, and my friend who is hearing impaired and needs to read lips to interact told me that she could NEVER hold a convo with Lauri not just because she seems brain dead but her mouth does not move!

lyzm:

I've always liked Lauri and thought she was pretty, but man, she has really messed up her face! Not only is her top is lip deformed, but her face is also messed up. It looks like it's been pulled too tightly.

What's up with Vicki's husband? It's like he's afraid of her. I imagine he's making bank doing whatever he does and she's not the sole breadwinner. He needs to stand up to her and take charge. She'd probably respect him more if he did.

I thought I was going to puke when Gretchen pulled out her jewelry to be cleaned...It was like the entire Harry Winston store! And then she had the nerve, on national tv, to say how she wasn't physically attracted to Jeff, but was attracted by his generosity, etc.... Uh, yeah...I think we guessed that. Generous with his $$$ right?

flowie623:

spellbound: I thought I saw Quinn at the trunkshow as well.
I really think that Lauri is going to leave the show and use her son's drug addiction as the reason...something about needing to focus more time on him.
And can I just say how much I love Jeana. My sister just started watching this season and I told her she would love Jeana. By the end of this episode she was totally on the Jeana bandwagon too.
As for Gretchen and the pink bike, I might be giving her too much credit but I don't think she really meant no one would recognize her if it weren't a pink bike, she just wanted it to be girly. If I were to get a bike I would want it to be pink just because that's my favorite color.

reckless_saturn_11:

super bored today, so i checked out the wiki on the real housewives and i checked out lauri's website. and it is all about her wedding and i think her and george must have gotten most of it donated. because she has a list of vendors for her wedding on her website. kind of tacky??

i like gretchen. it seems like bravo played a little trick on the audience because the previews set up gretchen as someone that we are suppose to not like. but then the show poses her in a favorable light. she genuine and honest and dare i say it down to earth. well compared to the rest of the housewives.
although i do think tamara is more beautiful than gretchen.

i think that lauri's hottest comes from her having a killer body.

reckless_saturn_11:

super bored today, so i checked out the wiki on the real housewives and i checked out lauri's website. and it is all about her wedding and i think her and george must have gotten most of it donated. because she has a list of vendors for her wedding on her website. kind of tacky??

i like gretchen. it seems like bravo played a little trick on the audience because the previews set up gretchen as someone that we are suppose to not like. but then the show poses her in a favorable light. she genuine and honest and dare i say it down to earth. well compared to the rest of the housewives.
although i do think tamara is more beautiful than gretchen.

i think that lauri's hottest comes from her having a killer body.

slutty_whore:

I really enjoyed Quinn last season, almost because she was chasing a guy who was clearly not interested in her and not reading the signs that all he wanted, at best, was a booty call. But, I guess since the show is about "Housewives," she can't come back, since she's not married and has no prospects... LOL.... I bought into the Lauri/George love story last season, but if it's a disaster, I wouldn't be surprised... I thought at one point, she was beautiful, but now she looks like a serpent.... Vicki is ridiculous and treats her hubby like garbage.... I wouldn't want to be around her either. And, Jeana is the SHIT... Love her.... Can anyone tell me who was the housewife that Tamra replaced? I seem to remember a different blonde from seasons past. Thanks!

flowie623:

There was a housewife named Kim that I think was only in the first season. She was at Lauri's Bridal shower last season I believe.


Tamra replaced Jo though after her and Slade broke up.

LNNC92:

slutty_whore:

It is sad that I know all of this...but the first season was Lauri, Vicki, Jeana, Jo & then the woman flowie623 mentioned Kim. Then Tammy with the dark hair came on to replace Kim and then Tamra came on to replace Jo and then Quinn came on to replace Tammy when Tammy's ex-husband passed away...and now Gretchen has replaced Quinn...

slutty_whore:

LNNC92 & Flowie623... Thanks for the help! I need a flowchart to keep up with the cast changes... I had totally forgotten about Tammy... she was such a complete non-entity. I think once we get rid of Lauri, we will be set up for a good season.

renata:

What on earth is going on with Vicki's skin? Her face looks worse with each episode, and the picture on page 6 of this recap is just a perfect illustration (apart from being a total hoot!!! Psycho in action!). The same goes for Gretchen. When they show her in close-up she has really bad skin and terrible makeup. Doesn't the show have a makeup artist to help them hide the imperfections? And goodness, they have enough money for all the useless crap, maybe they should invest some in professional facials and good skin care. These two look so gross sometimes. Yuck.
I do not understand why people like Gretchen. She is obnoxious, openly a gold-digger and proud of it, and her relationship with Jeff is a total sham! Poor guy, at least he got some happiness before he passed away living in a total delusion, because if he watched the show now he would have had a very unpleasant awakening. Everything always has to be about her, and even when she's with him, talking about him and his issues, it is only to talk about herself in that context. I can't stand her. I think she is the most fake of them all, but I do love Jeana and Tamra. As to Vicki - there are no words adequate enough to express my disdain for her. She's a total nut job. Hey, maybe it's all this crack that is messing up her face?

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