This week on Twats with Fake Tits, we learn more about the new Ho and say goodbye to an old one. Crackie is her usual sweet natured self and the other two let their jealousy and body image issues hang out for all the world to see. Oh, almost forgot about Gretchen. She goes to Scottsdale where the producers have put her and Slade in this aptly named hotel:
It's actually a pretty nice boutique hotel, almost too swanky for such a janky ass couple. At first sight, it looked like the T, E and L had fallen off but I was wrong.
Valley Ho had a completely different meaning in the 50s when this place sprang up. Scottsdale wasn't crawling with Dirty Army slutbags and 30 grand millionaires back then, just wannabe cowboys and demure waitresses with dreams of living under a big sky and no clue that reality show housewives would ever exist. Sigh.
When they check in, Gretchen doesn't know which name the reservation is under, thereby proving that they are freaking broke and Bravo is paying for this trip to the desert. So what do they do? Head off to the pool to tan and drink cocktails on the Bravo dime. I feel bad for the mini-fridge back in their room. It is going to be decimated by Slade when they get back. When he's done kissing Gretchen's ass, of course.
By the way, have I mentioned how sick I am of hearing that Gretchen loves the money impaired Slade? How grateful she is that they are together and he is helping her move on with her life? She must really have nothing going for her to be allowed to go on and on like this, and that is just sad. Almost as sad as their conversation.
They talk about getting married and having kids. She wants four, he has a vasectomy and thinks that he can just miraculously have it reversed. Isn't that precious? He'll take care of these kiddies, I'm sure. Good God, they'd be better off living with Fagin, earning their keep by stealing ladies' pocketbooks down by the oceanfront. At least they'd be learning a skilled trade which is more than I can say for Slade. Dude needs to get a J O B. ASAP.
Back in Brokeville, Tamra is driving around in her Mercedes SUV, talking on her obnoxious crystal encrusted phone.
I will give her credit for one thing- she isn't sporting on of those awful butter knife french manicures. She must be old school and use one of those little spoons to snort up whatever leftover drugs Crackie is giving her. Ha! As if Crackie would share anything with anybody.
She's heading over Jeana's house to talk since she hadn't gotten an RSVP for some stupid La Perla lingerie party she's throwing. I have to ask, does she have to parade around in her skivvies every single season? Is that in her contract? Because I can do without the 'aren't I hot for an old lady' strut. I'd rather watch Simon in a pair of heels and a negligee.
That's not a bad idea, actually. I'm not really into cross dressers or anything but I'd give it a whirl if I they'd stop subjecting us to Tamra's pre-menopausal accordian cleavage.
Jeana tells her that the last thing she wants to do is look at panties and a bunch of bitches without a stitch of clothing on. She'd rather hang out with her drunk ex husband and her gay son. Matt is still living with her, we find out, at least for a couple more weeks until his ass gets sent to jail for driving drunk again. She says it's his second but I could have sworn that it was more than that.
She needs to stop helping him. Let him live on the streets for a while instead of drinking up all the rubbing alcohol in the house. It's got to be getting old to wake up to find that Matt drank all the Scope for the sixteenth time.
Maybe she should hit him in the head again. I'm serious. The head injury he got back in the early nineties is why he drinks, right? Give him another whack, maybe it will all even out or knock some sense into him. I don't see how it could get any worse. Or maybe everybody is waiting for him to kill somebody after he stool surfs through Coto and decides to drive home.
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Comments (26)
AWESOME RECAP!! Good Job!! :O)
1 of 26 | Posted by niqui1 | Posted on November 24, 2009 3:06 PM
It is possible to reverse a vasectomy, I understand.
2 of 26 | Posted by sekushinonyanko | Posted on November 24, 2009 3:32 PM
Man, I look at old Sear's catalogs from time to time, I didn't realize you could still buy stuff from them! and the prices are amazing!
No wonder Alexis' husband doesn't want her to spend big bucks on La Perla, when she can get a Sears long line wire onepiece bra for the amazing price of $7.98
Love the recap. I'm going to miss Jeana, but not her kids.
3 of 26 | Posted by AnneM | Posted on November 24, 2009 4:07 PM
Twunty, you are a genius.."Tamra's pre-menopausal accordian cleavage".
I think you are being a bit to0 generous though as they all, save Gretchen, seem to be in the throes of menopaus.
Has anyone else noticed Slurry's Schwarzenegger sized guns? They're just so freakishly disproportionate to her tiny frame.
Why oh why won't Vickie get plastic surgery? She likes spending money so much, a chin implant would do her a world of good.
Love, love, love your recaps Twunty. Oh, and I hear ya on the girlfriends in denial saga. There's one in our circle who insists on leading a miserable life rather than being honest with herself, family and friends. So sad.
4 of 26 | Posted by shantigal | Posted on November 24, 2009 5:27 PM
Really? No cracks about the new ho's super inflated duck lips?
I was at the mall today and had a nice chat with Santa. I said I'd been good and what I wanted for Christmas was for Andy Cohen to choke on a Mohito after filming a segment of See What Happens Live.
Santa told me that "good" boys never ask Santa to cause people to die, and that I'd just forfeited my present for this year.
Sigh.
5 of 26 | Posted by NotWithoutMyTV | Posted on November 24, 2009 6:43 PM
"Tim Gunn just died a little" - ha! ha! ha!
6 of 26 | Posted by wasabipeas | Posted on November 24, 2009 7:44 PM
So, the new housewife needs two nannys? That is crazy. And why do women think they look good with those fat ugly duck lips??
I complain about having to spend $17.99 on a playtex bra from WalMart. I didnt know that the Ho's spend thousands on there bras. I wont complain anymore.
7 of 26 | Posted by fatgirlsrule | Posted on November 24, 2009 8:40 PM
Great recap!!!
Jeana is supposed to be getting her own show that is to start filming in January. I don't know what the premise is (I would think following her around as she works and begins life as a single woman) or if it will air on Bravo.
Can only imagine what the other housewives will say/think about that. I'd love to be a fly on the wall while they watch her first episode!
8 of 26 | Posted by marijai | Posted on November 24, 2009 11:41 PM
There is something not quite right with the new housewife and her domestic violence husband At the pool party you see him struggling with a whiny child and as he is shoving the kid into the nannies arms. He say, "Here take him". Said in the most dismissive and rude manner. As if he shouldn't have to take care of his own child and that the help is too stupid to realize when they need to take the kids away. I can't imagine having to work for them.
I think the new housewife is as terrible as all the other ladies left on the show. She is certainly very spoiled and dellusional. Trying to say her life is so busy what with all the working out she does that she has to have two nannies to do it all. And her husband is such a controlling ass. twunty I totally think you have him pegged. He won't let his wife go anywhere without him which just seems like he doesn't want her the opportunity to experience what life could be like without him around. Also she says that she works out so much because her husband doesn't want her body to fall apart. Oh yeah all of her self esteem is tied to her husband. Is it too soon to have Free Alexis shirts made up.
9 of 26 | Posted by reckless_Saturn_11 | Posted on November 25, 2009 2:31 AM
Oh yeah and some PR company must have given the same dictionary to both Tamra and Vickie because now instead of saying. That they don't like someone because they are a mean girl. Now their excuse....I mean their reason....is that that person is toxic to their lives. The viewers no longer harbor any delusions of who these women are, so I just keep hoping they start saying I hate the skinny bitch and that is why I don't like her.
10 of 26 | Posted by reckless_Saturn_11 | Posted on November 25, 2009 2:37 AM
Best recap I've read today.
Great job, Twunty!!
11 of 26 | Posted by Lissadoll4eva | Posted on November 25, 2009 7:38 AM
Why does Lynn look so different on TV versus her photos? It looks like she is an entirely different person.
12 of 26 | Posted by What? | Posted on November 25, 2009 11:10 AM
I wish that Twunty would comment back to us like Yenta use to. Only because it sort got a dialogue going about the show. And it is a lot fun when the recapper comments back- we get to learn more about what the recapper thinks,beyond the recap, about the people on the show. Just a thought. Believe you me. I think that Twunty is doing a bang up job writing about these banged up ladies. I understand that not writer has the time to comment back. I was just thinking out loud.
13 of 26 | Posted by areyoucliff | Posted on November 27, 2009 2:30 PM
Gretchen wants 4 kids?? PuLeeze! One labor pain and One stretch mark and she be done!
Slade is so freakin ugly, and his slicked back hair, Gross!! he sounds and acts so gay. In the tanning booth, was that his slong hanging down??
14 of 26 | Posted by fatgirlsrule | Posted on November 27, 2009 4:40 PM
I agree, Slade is just simply gross. Gretchen can do so much better!
15 of 26 | Posted by what? | Posted on November 27, 2009 6:05 PM
Why would Gretchen want 4 kids with a man who doesn't take care of the ones he has, especially the one that is sick with cancer??
In fact....why would anyone want to be with a man who doesn't take care of his kids, especially when they are incurably sick??
What scum he is!
16 of 26 | Posted by marijai | Posted on November 27, 2009 6:09 PM
@areyoucliff:
After the whole Leia Labiblia drama, if I was Twunty I would leave the boards to the readers...for now. I think Twunty says it all in the recap and says it better and funnier than anyone I've read in a while.
But, damn, that whole LL/RHOA debacle was massive and she had a friggin meltdown of epic proportions. I've yet to see a single comment on her Melrose Place recaps. Just goes to show that to be a great recapper you must not only have an awesome writing style and sharp wit but seriously thick skin.
That said, Tamra is a ticking time tomb and I cannot wait unil she is totally exposed as an envious, bitter, mean sack of wrinkles. And what's the new chick's name, Alexis(?)...two nannies??? Come on!! I work 12 hour days, take 2 college courses, keep a home, take care of 2 dogs, take care of a preschooler who has ballet classes and a husband who works longer hours than me...guess how many nannies I have? None! I have to excercize by walking my dogs and picking up toys and vacuuming and mopping and running around on my lunch hour on an empty stomach to pay bills. God, these bitches piss me off.
Sorry, folks. It's just that I don't see how some people have to invent problems when real people out here just have it fall on our laps on a daily basis and then have to turn on the TV to watch THEM to escape OUR reality only to come away even more stressed. But at least my husband respects and loves me and my child won't be hated by the entire world. Ok. I feel better now.
Whew.
17 of 26 | Posted by uglycutie | Posted on November 27, 2009 7:50 PM
The Leia Labiblia thing wasn't that big, and didn't even have to be as big as it was. The Internet breeds people who think they can do everything better, and then try to tell you they were "just sayin'" when you speak to them directly. The recapper should have just ignored the commenter.
Really, there's enough ugliness on this show already without commenters adding it. (Vickie's face being a prime example.)
18 of 26 | Posted by NotWithoutMyTV | Posted on November 28, 2009 9:26 AM
@uglycutie... I think that no one posts comments to the Melrose Place board because no one watches that show! LOL!
19 of 26 | Posted by sluttty_whore | Posted on November 28, 2009 6:49 PM
to uglycutie:
how 'klassy' of you to come to this page and trash a recapper that you've had a personal problem with, but who does not write this recap and so has no idea you're still hang up on her and keep perpetuating this bull about her 'meltdown'. She did not do anything wrong in her recaps and her comments. She had as much right to voice her opinions as a person who was attacking her. Clearly she chose to take the high road and ignore all subsequent insults and provocations, so what do you do? You get on a different recap page and start spreading your vile bull again.
Are you per chance related to Trampy? You can't seem to let things go, just like that bitch.
Twunty - you are awesome, but LLB was great too. Between the two of you I'm getting my weekly dose of delicious snarkiness up to the overflow level. Sometimes I thinks that the recaps on this website are one of the things that let me stay sane, by showcasing and ridiculing the malevolent idiocy of any of the housewives. You are my sunshine. :)
20 of 26 | Posted by renata | Posted on November 28, 2009 6:54 PM
You guys!!! Have you seen pictures of Slurry after her face lift? I've just found it on 'RealityTvScoop', and I'm SHOCKED! She looks so much better it is incredible. The only problem I have is that she DOES NOT LOOK LIKE HERSELF! She looks like a different person altogether. Holy crap!!! She went from looking 55 to looking 30 in one surgery!!! Wow.
I can just imagine the hit that her daughters' selfestimes took after she came back home looking like that. I bet that spoiled, vile, walking vulgarity Raquel has a whole list of things she wants to change on her face now. Poor Slurry will need to downgrade not to Laguna but to a double-wide to accomodate her.
21 of 26 | Posted by renata | Posted on November 28, 2009 7:48 PM
I admit that Slade isn't a personal favorite, but his nickname for Vickie was hilarious. He called her "Ficky". It stands for "Fake" and "Icky". Nice one!
22 of 26 | Posted by Baffled | Posted on November 29, 2009 7:38 PM
to shantigal: Until today's screen shots, I was right there with you re: Crackie's lack of chin. Now I think that she does have a chin, but no defining jaw line. Think the opposite of Maria Shriver's jawline - Crackie's goes straight down from her ears. Result: fugly.
to uglycutie: what renata said.
to Twunty: Excellent recap! Keep em coming!
23 of 26 | Posted by mick | Posted on November 30, 2009 10:27 AM
renata-
Thank you for the tip on the picture of Lynn. She looks completely different!
24 of 26 | Posted by Baxter | Posted on November 30, 2009 1:39 PM
so...hm, i wonder what has happened to michael's future ex-wife lauren? lol! jeana was dead on about that! lol!
25 of 26 | Posted by mrngstar | Posted on November 30, 2009 10:12 PM
Wonderful recap. Slurry's new face looks like a damn mummy! Tamra is close to ruin, the new hooters girl is SO vapid, her bible thumping is only exceeded by her subservience to that twat of a controlling husband, and finally, Crackie never fails to disgust. Her craziness at not being the puppetmaster of the FL vacation gave her real feelings of sorrow. GOOD! She deserves them. And where is her little loser of a son? In jail (I hope)?
26 of 26 | Posted by judgment day | Posted on December 22, 2009 1:51 PM