Real Housewives of Orange County: The Barbie Dolls of Boogieville

Dear Gasmii,

At long last, the one and only, Original Housewife docuwreck is back!!! And, this time the producers are doing it right. No more of these random non-blond, mail order type cougars for the cast. Nope, with the exception of Jeana, we're going all blond and plastic. You can bet good money that carpets don't match the drapes on any of these blond shiksas, and with this crowd there's a pretty good chance that we'll get at least a flash this season to prove it.

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Finally a line of Barbie dolls that even Grandpa can get behind.

Join me after the jump to catch up with life in the recession proof fantasy land that is Coto de Caza...

For those of you that have somehow been deprived of the cultural event that this show has become, allow me to take a moment to introduce you to our ladies.

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Jeanna Keough; former actress/playmate; recently separated from her loser husband; and all around good egg.

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Laurie Waring; possible drag queen; greatest gold-digger, ever; recently married to realtor/developer George Peterson.

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Vicki Gunvalson; owner of a small insurance empire; pathologically interested in accumulating power and money.

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Tamra Barney, wonderfully obsessed with her outer, as opposed to inner, beauty.

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Gretchen Rossi; loves old men and dirty, shiny, pretty, things.

We start this season with who other than our resident obsessive/compulsive, workaholic, forever blond, boozehound, Vicki Gunvalson. Yay, Vicki!! Like a good little workaholic, Vicki is seated at her command terminal hooked into her phone and computer hard at work selling insurance policies to the recently unemployed, homeless masses. Her daughter, Briana, sits close by and watches in awe as her mother snorts entire lines of coke without breaking the rhythm of her sales pitch. However, the coke not withstanding, Brianna isn't too sure about a job that keeps you tied to a seat all day and asks if Vicki doesn't get a little bored. Assuming the mannerisms of a cracked out chipmunk, Vicky expresses total shock that Brianna could possibly think that her work is boring when every minute of it is spent "thinking, thinking, thinking, finagling, thinking, thinking, thinking, finagling." And, of course, there's the snorting as well. It's so good to be back in Orange County.

It's summer time in the Coto des Caza and the kids are home from college bringing joy and light to all of the bereft parents. Vicki, for one, is so happy that her kids are home for the summer to fill her empty nest. Surprise, surprise, Michael even brings home the dog he gave his girlfriend for Christmas. Which begs the question of why he has the dog. Have they in fact split up? Was Jeana correct, if slightly premature, last season when she called his girlfriend his "future ex-wife"? And, is it now accepted practice to return all canine gifts when a relationship ends? But, before we can get too bogged down in the drama of whether or not the dog will pee in the house, and more specifically on their satin sheets, the editors whisk us away to go shopping with Vicki and her son Michael.

Of course, the ladies on this show will have the good taste to tone down their conspicuous over the top consumption in the face of the economy going belly up, right? Wrong. We're going shopping for a yacht. Well, the yacht's on sale, so I guess that shows a tad bit of sensitivity to the rest of the population facing foreclosures and homelessness. After all, it's marked down from an even million to a measly $950,000.

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It's heartwarming to see Vicki buying on sale. I'm personally blown away by her restrained frugal lifestyle in these difficult times.

Just because it's on sale, Bravo wouldn't want us to get the idea that this is cheap bargain basement yacht. Nope. This is the yacht that not only finally kicks the Jones' collective asses, but it makes them empty their liquor cabinet, down their extensive pill collection, and then shoot themselves out of jealous desperation, as well. Life is hard in boogieville. Of course, there's always the question of how to pay for the yacht. Vicki's plan is to sell the vacation home that her husband still loves, but she is soooo over. If that plan doesn't work out, she can try for a discount on the yacht by whoring herself in advertising like she did for her Rolex watch. Click here for the world's most uncomfortable e-commercial(The video will open in a different window. Close it to return to the recap.)

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Comments (18)

featherhead:

Just wanted to let you know that you switched up Jeana's house. The moose was in the family room and the pictures of her in her youth were all over the bedroom. I'm with you, she need to kick Matt out of the house!! Can't stand him!
The conversation between Lori and George was almost painful to watch. Every other word out of her mouth is "Babe" and he seemed to not even want to be there.
Love your recaps and I am still on the fence about Gretchen. I feel bad that he passed away. Reading her blog, it seems he was the one who pushed to be on the show.

Thatswhatshesaid:

The Real Housewives of Atlanta was my first bit of exposure to the RH franchise. Boy was this one different! I'm sure things will spice up as the season goes on.

I came away only liking Jeana and Tamra. I agree that Tamra is better looking than Gretchen. I don't know if Gretchen is older or younger than she says she is. She doesn't look 30.

I was kind of surprised at her (Gretchen) going off on Jeff's daughter, Jill, saying that her "job" taking care of Jill's dying father was hard work! It came off as so selfish and, to me, totally exposed her! I kept expecting Jill to call her out as a gold-digger, but she never did. I didn't see any warmth between the two. It was like Gretchen saw Jill as her competition for spending all of Jeff's money. I'm sure knowing Jeff had terminal cancer made her decision to marry him that much easier. "I only have to put up with this guy for a year or two? Where do I sign?" So sad! Ah well, I'm sure Jeff is no saint either, he's had 5 wives!

trister:

Thatswhatshesaid

Totally, 100% agree with what you said.

hutchlover:

I've never seen this show before, but caught just for the heck of it.

I thought Jeff's daughter was a *itch in her own right. Demanding a better car, pouting about having to get a job. I think Gretchen could've handled it better, but the daughter didn't seem real put off by Gretchen, so they obviously have quite a bit of acceptance & familiarity w/each other.

I'm loving Jeana and.... that's about it. But I have to ask? What is up with Lauri's face? How much work has she had done? Between the plastic surgery & the make-up, she looks terrible. No way could she pass for a drag queen.... she's too ugly & worked over.

rentaa:

Goodness, I’m so glad it was not just my imagination when Lauri and George were having dinner. I thought he was so bored by her blabber, and there was no real conversation between them at all. He really seems to be soooo over her. Well, that did not take long...
As for Gretchen, for me she might be the most hateful character in all of reality TV. She pretty much came out and admitted that 'Jeff was so generous and giving, that the physical part (that is his non-hotness) was unimportant'. I've never heard a woman describe herself so poignantly and piteously as a total gold digging whore. She is not even that pretty, although she's got a great figure (makes you wander if it too was paid for by Jeff in some plastic surgeon's office). Here is a woman that will do anything as long as there is a shiny object on the other side as a reward. I hate to be so suspicious but from the way she was talking of taking care of Jeff as a 'hard work!!' I think she only accepted his proposal because she knew he was not long for this world. I would like to find out if they actually ever got married, or if she was his 'fiancée' till the end. That would sure put her is quite a precocious position within his family when it came time to read the will. (I know it is wrong to focus on such issues when the poor guy died, but Gretchen is the one who brought it up, so it is now an open topic).
And what is Vicky on? Is she really doing crack? She seems insane at times, on top of being totally delusional. I almost died laughing last season when she described herself proudly as a ‘MILF’. Woman, look in the mirror – you’re as far away from being a MILF as Hilary Clinton.

Sgirl:

I may be a little bias in my opinion on Gretchen because I actually know her personally. She comes into my work about once a month or so, and she is such a sweetheart. She has talked to me about her fiance, and she really does seem to care about him and love him... not just his money. I know she was really upset when he died. I'm pretty sure she makes good money with her own job, so she's not just a golddigger. And trust me, she really is gorgeous with and without makeup on. Her fun-loving personality on the show really is her. Anyways, I just wanted to let you all know, from someone who has actually met her, give her a chance because she really is a sweet girl.

shantigal:

Agree with what everyone is saying about Gretchen.

Sgirl: I'm sure she has a sweet side as well, but she chose to have her life filmed. We realize that what we see is at the producer's discretion, but she should too. She put herself out there to be judged, fair or not fair.

I definitely agree about Lauri & George. It was very uncomfortable watching the dinner scene. And I have to believe there must be something very redeeming about Vicki that would explain why her kids and husband have not run screaming from one of her many homes.

mrngstar:

anyone notice lauri say: ...and they said it wouldn't last. i thought i heard that at the end of their dinner conversation as the camera was pulling away....hmm...

Thatswhatshesaid:

mrngstar: Yes! I did hear that! My immediate reaction was, "Wha what?! It's only been 9 months! That's HARDLY enough time to declare your marriage a success!" Weird.

tati:

Hi YP, yay, you're back to recap one of my fave shows! Thanks for your investigative reporting about George & his ex. It's a shame to hear about Jeff, poor guy. I thought his daughter seemed rather bratty, but maybe that's just her age. As for Gretchen, I need to watch a few more episodes before deciding on her---I didn't dislike her right away, I thought she seemed sweet (good acting?) and yes, shallow, but she wouldn't be the first (cough cough, Anna Nicole!) Also, i didn't think her boobs were very fake-looking or ginormous--in that shot of her in her bikini next to Jeff, hers didn't seem anywhere near Tamra's head-sized boobs! Kinda normal actually.

I was happy to see Ryan shaping up and getting his act together. As twisted as it may seem to think of encouraging your mom to get plastic surgery, i thot Tamra's intentions were in the right place---she wants to help Mom move on after a painful, old divorce. Tamra & Jeana remain my faves from last season's HW. I really like Vicki's kids, they seem pretty well-adjusted, given the force that is Vicki! Poor Don....wonder if he's reaching a breaking point.

Looking forward to another juicy season!

tillee:

Lauri, Lauri...
All of the sudden Dubai is declasse? Is this not the same woman who 2 years ago lived in a townhouse that was covered with cat poop? Her entitlement attitude is beyond belief!!

Itsme:

Taking care of someone with leukemia IS hard work. My father had leukemia, and taking care of him was a full time job for both me and my mother. So cut Gretchen some slack.

Thatswhatshesaid:

Itsme:
I'm not debating that taking care of someone with Leukemia is hard. I'm sure it is. I only took offense to Gretchen being indignant about it and calling it "hard work". It didn't come out sounding like a labor of love; it sounded more like a chore that she wanted "credit" for. Like somebody owed her for taking care of him. It just didn't sound very loving when she said it.

AnneM:

I'm so glad these ladies are back, I missed them.

I really don't understand Vickie at all. She has enough money, but she is pushing her husband and kids away while she works more and more. Why is working so hard?

I have a friend who did that and loved being at work because it got her out of the house. It makes me think Vickie is traveling to get away from her family.

I don't think Don will stick around if she doesn't stop the crazy working and traveling schedule.

njgasmifan:

It's like a train wreck, but I still can't take my eyes off the screen...did anybody else think the motorcycle salesman deserves a HUGE raise for not laughing in Gretchen's face? She used to ride dirt bikes and now wants a Harley? IN PINK?? Agree with folks here, I love Jeanna and Tamara - Yenta, thanks for a hysterical recap!

slutty_whore:

What happened to Brynn (the non-blonde) and her search to get with the guy who clearly wasn't interested in her? Does anyone know what happened there?

LNNC92:

slutty_whore:

I believe you are referring to Quinn?? I just re-watched the reunion of the OC Housewives the other day and Quinn said that she had broken up with the guy who clearly wasn't interested...she also said that she and the young guy she was hanging out with were "just friends" and they never even kissed......

Case-Sensitive:

This is way better than posting on the Bravo boards. Finally, people with comments I can relate to.

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