Vicki loves the boat. The salesman loves Vicki, and everybody is getting all friggin wound up and excited. I think it's safe to say that, with Vicki's workaholic tendencies, things might be a little dry in the love department, if you get my drift. A girl's got to get what a girl can get, be it boats or salesmen. Spending money is Vicki's favorite form of foreplay, and this salesman just said the magic words, "Honey, I can help you spend all the money you want..." Toss out the vibrators, ditch the husband, we have a winner.
"This is like the biggest ever, right? Love that!!"
Luckily, before my fingers start to curl into the claws that Vicki invariably inspires, we have a Jeana segment. I generally love Jeana, she's level-headed, funny, not blond, and honest about her plastic parts. What's more, she gives the impression that at some point in his life Hugh Hefner actually appreciated woman who didn't puncuate their sentences with drool and vapid gurgling noises. Oh, and on a side note, Hef's latest FWB's, the Ikki twins are going to be replacing Tila Tequila on this season's "shot of love." Totally, icky and nauseau inspiring.
Today, Jeana has invited a friend/designer over to redecorate her family room as part of her reclaiming her life post-husband. She tells us that she's legally separated from Matt and she feels great.
Jeana, darling, you totally deserve a man who's never been restricted to orange jumpsuits.
I am completely behind Jeana's dumping that sack of alcoholic, major league, jerkwad, blubber. And, if she's not going to move homes to start her new life then re-decorating her house makes perfect sense to me. Except that the family room décor is a little weird. Kind of like a tribute to Jeana the playmate. Nothing like being surrounded by what was, so you can feel really bad about what is, and then spend every night drowning your depression in tubs of Ben and Jerry's cherry Garcia ice cream with cherry brandy poured over the top. Really, it only takes like cough syrup for the first few spoonfuls.
The decorator is a wee bit concerned about all of the homage paid to Jeana's youth and wants to make sure that she's not living in the past. But before she can share her vision for the newly designed room, they're interrupted by a drunken delivery guy ranting into the intercom. No, that's not a delivery guy? That's Matt? You mean the ex husband that you're now legally separated from? Note to Jeana: Has your lawyer explained that you don't have to live with him anymore?
Jeana and her friend look at each other and roll their eyes in unison at the sound of Matt's chihuahua like complaining before Jeana explains that she takes in all sorts of people. So, why wouldn't she take in the father of her children? Well, because he's an abusive, alcoholic, loser, but that's just me. Jeanna adds that they're all looking forward to Matt becoming independent and moving away from them. Jeanna, honey, I bet you are, but just like those pesky rodents he'll keep coming back, if you keep feeding him.
Well, Matt or no Matt, their bedroom is going to be redecorated as well and thank God for that. This is Orange County people; tacky is okay, but butt ugly, not so much. And that bedroom is definitely ooglie. There should be an ordinance against moose portraits in Orange County. Jeana's decorator, knowing that a true friend does not let friends sleep under portraits of moose, confiscates the portrait and marches out the door. Take that Matt.
While Jeana is coping with her legally separated, yet sadly resident, spouse, the self-proclaimed "Hottest Housewife" in Orange County, Tamra of the bodacious ta-tas, is spending some quality time with her Mom. And, by quality time, I mean bringing her mom to a plastic surgeon for a facelift. Nothing says Hallmark moment quite like telling your mom her face is sagging. Never one to repress personal details, Tamra happily reminds us that last year she had her breast implants removed and reduced to a smaller size.
Because every time she went on vacation entire villages of small children would follow her around begging for a drink.
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Comments (18)
Just wanted to let you know that you switched up Jeana's house. The moose was in the family room and the pictures of her in her youth were all over the bedroom. I'm with you, she need to kick Matt out of the house!! Can't stand him!
The conversation between Lori and George was almost painful to watch. Every other word out of her mouth is "Babe" and he seemed to not even want to be there.
Love your recaps and I am still on the fence about Gretchen. I feel bad that he passed away. Reading her blog, it seems he was the one who pushed to be on the show.
1 of 18 | Posted by featherhead | Posted on November 29, 2008 5:08 AM
The Real Housewives of Atlanta was my first bit of exposure to the RH franchise. Boy was this one different! I'm sure things will spice up as the season goes on.
I came away only liking Jeana and Tamra. I agree that Tamra is better looking than Gretchen. I don't know if Gretchen is older or younger than she says she is. She doesn't look 30.
I was kind of surprised at her (Gretchen) going off on Jeff's daughter, Jill, saying that her "job" taking care of Jill's dying father was hard work! It came off as so selfish and, to me, totally exposed her! I kept expecting Jill to call her out as a gold-digger, but she never did. I didn't see any warmth between the two. It was like Gretchen saw Jill as her competition for spending all of Jeff's money. I'm sure knowing Jeff had terminal cancer made her decision to marry him that much easier. "I only have to put up with this guy for a year or two? Where do I sign?" So sad! Ah well, I'm sure Jeff is no saint either, he's had 5 wives!
2 of 18 | Posted by Thatswhatshesaid | Posted on November 29, 2008 3:58 PM
Thatswhatshesaid
Totally, 100% agree with what you said.
3 of 18 | Posted by trister | Posted on November 29, 2008 5:01 PM
I've never seen this show before, but caught just for the heck of it.
I thought Jeff's daughter was a *itch in her own right. Demanding a better car, pouting about having to get a job. I think Gretchen could've handled it better, but the daughter didn't seem real put off by Gretchen, so they obviously have quite a bit of acceptance & familiarity w/each other.
I'm loving Jeana and.... that's about it. But I have to ask? What is up with Lauri's face? How much work has she had done? Between the plastic surgery & the make-up, she looks terrible. No way could she pass for a drag queen.... she's too ugly & worked over.
4 of 18 | Posted by hutchlover | Posted on November 29, 2008 6:09 PM
Goodness, I’m so glad it was not just my imagination when Lauri and George were having dinner. I thought he was so bored by her blabber, and there was no real conversation between them at all. He really seems to be soooo over her. Well, that did not take long...
As for Gretchen, for me she might be the most hateful character in all of reality TV. She pretty much came out and admitted that 'Jeff was so generous and giving, that the physical part (that is his non-hotness) was unimportant'. I've never heard a woman describe herself so poignantly and piteously as a total gold digging whore. She is not even that pretty, although she's got a great figure (makes you wander if it too was paid for by Jeff in some plastic surgeon's office). Here is a woman that will do anything as long as there is a shiny object on the other side as a reward. I hate to be so suspicious but from the way she was talking of taking care of Jeff as a 'hard work!!' I think she only accepted his proposal because she knew he was not long for this world. I would like to find out if they actually ever got married, or if she was his 'fiancée' till the end. That would sure put her is quite a precocious position within his family when it came time to read the will. (I know it is wrong to focus on such issues when the poor guy died, but Gretchen is the one who brought it up, so it is now an open topic).
And what is Vicky on? Is she really doing crack? She seems insane at times, on top of being totally delusional. I almost died laughing last season when she described herself proudly as a ‘MILF’. Woman, look in the mirror – you’re as far away from being a MILF as Hilary Clinton.
5 of 18 | Posted by rentaa | Posted on November 29, 2008 6:13 PM
I may be a little bias in my opinion on Gretchen because I actually know her personally. She comes into my work about once a month or so, and she is such a sweetheart. She has talked to me about her fiance, and she really does seem to care about him and love him... not just his money. I know she was really upset when he died. I'm pretty sure she makes good money with her own job, so she's not just a golddigger. And trust me, she really is gorgeous with and without makeup on. Her fun-loving personality on the show really is her. Anyways, I just wanted to let you all know, from someone who has actually met her, give her a chance because she really is a sweet girl.
6 of 18 | Posted by Sgirl | Posted on November 29, 2008 6:45 PM
Agree with what everyone is saying about Gretchen.
Sgirl: I'm sure she has a sweet side as well, but she chose to have her life filmed. We realize that what we see is at the producer's discretion, but she should too. She put herself out there to be judged, fair or not fair.
I definitely agree about Lauri & George. It was very uncomfortable watching the dinner scene. And I have to believe there must be something very redeeming about Vicki that would explain why her kids and husband have not run screaming from one of her many homes.
7 of 18 | Posted by shantigal | Posted on November 29, 2008 8:44 PM
anyone notice lauri say: ...and they said it wouldn't last. i thought i heard that at the end of their dinner conversation as the camera was pulling away....hmm...
8 of 18 | Posted by mrngstar | Posted on November 30, 2008 11:04 AM
mrngstar: Yes! I did hear that! My immediate reaction was, "Wha what?! It's only been 9 months! That's HARDLY enough time to declare your marriage a success!" Weird.
9 of 18 | Posted by Thatswhatshesaid | Posted on November 30, 2008 6:48 PM
Hi YP, yay, you're back to recap one of my fave shows! Thanks for your investigative reporting about George & his ex. It's a shame to hear about Jeff, poor guy. I thought his daughter seemed rather bratty, but maybe that's just her age. As for Gretchen, I need to watch a few more episodes before deciding on her---I didn't dislike her right away, I thought she seemed sweet (good acting?) and yes, shallow, but she wouldn't be the first (cough cough, Anna Nicole!) Also, i didn't think her boobs were very fake-looking or ginormous--in that shot of her in her bikini next to Jeff, hers didn't seem anywhere near Tamra's head-sized boobs! Kinda normal actually.
I was happy to see Ryan shaping up and getting his act together. As twisted as it may seem to think of encouraging your mom to get plastic surgery, i thot Tamra's intentions were in the right place---she wants to help Mom move on after a painful, old divorce. Tamra & Jeana remain my faves from last season's HW. I really like Vicki's kids, they seem pretty well-adjusted, given the force that is Vicki! Poor Don....wonder if he's reaching a breaking point.
Looking forward to another juicy season!
10 of 18 | Posted by tati | Posted on December 1, 2008 8:17 AM
Lauri, Lauri...
All of the sudden Dubai is declasse? Is this not the same woman who 2 years ago lived in a townhouse that was covered with cat poop? Her entitlement attitude is beyond belief!!
11 of 18 | Posted by tillee | Posted on December 1, 2008 4:59 PM
Taking care of someone with leukemia IS hard work. My father had leukemia, and taking care of him was a full time job for both me and my mother. So cut Gretchen some slack.
12 of 18 | Posted by Itsme | Posted on December 2, 2008 9:54 AM
Itsme:
I'm not debating that taking care of someone with Leukemia is hard. I'm sure it is. I only took offense to Gretchen being indignant about it and calling it "hard work". It didn't come out sounding like a labor of love; it sounded more like a chore that she wanted "credit" for. Like somebody owed her for taking care of him. It just didn't sound very loving when she said it.
13 of 18 | Posted by Thatswhatshesaid | Posted on December 2, 2008 7:32 PM
I'm so glad these ladies are back, I missed them.
I really don't understand Vickie at all. She has enough money, but she is pushing her husband and kids away while she works more and more. Why is working so hard?
I have a friend who did that and loved being at work because it got her out of the house. It makes me think Vickie is traveling to get away from her family.
I don't think Don will stick around if she doesn't stop the crazy working and traveling schedule.
14 of 18 | Posted by AnneM | Posted on December 2, 2008 7:44 PM
It's like a train wreck, but I still can't take my eyes off the screen...did anybody else think the motorcycle salesman deserves a HUGE raise for not laughing in Gretchen's face? She used to ride dirt bikes and now wants a Harley? IN PINK?? Agree with folks here, I love Jeanna and Tamara - Yenta, thanks for a hysterical recap!
15 of 18 | Posted by njgasmifan | Posted on December 3, 2008 9:13 AM
What happened to Brynn (the non-blonde) and her search to get with the guy who clearly wasn't interested in her? Does anyone know what happened there?
16 of 18 | Posted by slutty_whore | Posted on December 3, 2008 11:31 AM
slutty_whore:
I believe you are referring to Quinn?? I just re-watched the reunion of the OC Housewives the other day and Quinn said that she had broken up with the guy who clearly wasn't interested...she also said that she and the young guy she was hanging out with were "just friends" and they never even kissed......
17 of 18 | Posted by LNNC92 | Posted on December 3, 2008 12:24 PM
This is way better than posting on the Bravo boards. Finally, people with comments I can relate to.
18 of 18 | Posted by Case-Sensitive | Posted on January 26, 2009 9:14 AM