Last week on The Gauntlet 3, I theorized that all the challenges were inspired by childhood games, and joked about them playing pin the tail on the donkey this week. The second challenge had them walking around in blindfolds. I'm seriously starting to wonder if I might have prophetic tendencies. So come along as we get a little naked, celebrate some birthdays and send some people home.
Bring me back some cake...
A few days ago I was discussing fake lesbians with my friend Ceelo. I met Ceelo in kindergarten and the two of us have been up to no good ever since. When we were in 6th grade she told me it would be cool to shave a few inches of hair off the back of my head just above my neck. 10 minutes, some persuasive bribery and two bags of Pop Rocks later I was kneeling on her toilet seat while she quite unevenly macheted three inches off the back of my hairline with a disposable bic razor. I wish I were kidding.
A couple years later I found out she'd gotten a bad spider bite just under her eye that swelled extremely big. I called her up pretending as if I hadn't heard about her spider bite and asked if she'd heard about the rampant spider attacks in her town, which were leading to red bumps, foaming at the mouth, and ultimately, death. She spent the rest of the day near tears and unnecessarily at the emergency room.
Where was I? Oh yes, fake lesbians. So Ceelo and I were talking the other day about lesbians; the benefits, the burdens, the additional costs associated with phallic shaped vegetable purchases, the whole nine. (PS we even sorted categories of the likely primary vegetable selections versus secondary vegetable selection).
Then we start debating about whether Brooke is really a lesbian (she's so not) and that's when Ceelo tells me that the only way to tell a real lesbian from a fake lesbian is to watch them cuddle, because real lesbians always cuddle with their vaginas facing each other. Now I know damn well there is no way this is true, because: 1. The very idea that such a thing could be a determining factor is just plain ridiculous and 2. Vaginas don't have faces.
Obviously, I disregard the comment as baseless. Cut to the opening scene of episode three of Gauntlet 3 and what should we find but Brook and Evelyn cuddled up on the couch. Evelyn is midway into a game of Pretending To Be Kidding About My Insecurities But Really Mean Everything I'm Saying. She's also giving Brooke a foot massage, and wouldn't you know it... they're cuddling with their vaginas pointed towards each other.
Five seconds later my phone rings and it's Ceelo. "Well," she says. "That settles it. Brook's a real lesbian." Without responding I hang up on her, think about it a minute and then I make a command decision: there's no way Brooke can be real lesbian. When she was in Denver, she couldn't even eat sushi. You see Ceelo... I think that settles it.
In another room, Coral, Katie and Not So Pretty Robin are talking about the possibility of a female gauntlet. They suspect Evelyn might take them all out one by one, and Robin just wants to see a veteran female gauntlet because when it happens, the shit is gonna hit the fan. And by shit hitting the fan she means they will all gang up on Beth and then throw shit into the ceiling fans in celebration when she loses.
The first challenge is running into the ocean, saturating your clothing and then wringing water off of the clothing to fill a bucket. First team to fill the bucket wins. On the vets' side, for some reason I got very annoyed by the fact that Diem kept pronouncing it "poolers" instead of "pullers." So annoyed that I decide I'm rooting for the rookies. I mean rukies.
My attitude quickly changed when we saw the challenge unfold. Thanks to the big curly 'fro and the big bucket of water, when the girls and Eric stood around the bucket wringing out the shirts, it was like a scene out of an island remake of Little Orphan Annie.
No one cares for you a smidge, when you're in an or-phanage. It's a hard knock life
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Comments (17)
Is it MJ? That would be cool, I don't know who it is yet. Anyways, I think it was Ev that said I love you, not sure though. Also, I think that Bananas showed his real bitchassness when he wouldn't stop whining about having to go into the Gauntlet I mean come on, it could've been anyone and I think Evan should have just said "yeah, I did pick you, what are you gonna do about it?" Pussy. I was rooting for Evan the whole time. I thought it was really not cool that the producers decided to throw the rookies a bone, it's not fair, the veterans are winning fair and square and to get them to lose they had to give the rookies an advantage, that's crap. Anyways, great recap McS :)
1 of 17 | Posted by MichyPR | Posted on February 10, 2008 5:23 PM
ok so, it's got to be MJ. Mark Long gave it away on Reality Remix.
i need to know more about secondary vegetables. like, what could one possibly do with a tomato? and also i think if you handed that dope brooke a banana she'd probably eat it. so maybe she is a real lesbian.
2 of 17 | Posted by kaf0220 | Posted on February 10, 2008 10:35 PM
Of course it's MJ. He's the only person in Challenge history with worse hair than CT.
3 of 17 | Posted by nerrawllehctim | Posted on February 11, 2008 2:41 AM
The veterans had the advantage the last two challenges. Do you really want to see them win every single time? Sounds super boring to me.
Johnny Bananas is a total hypocrite. Glad that douche is gone. According to somebody at TWOP his nickname came from his frat house days.
4 of 17 | Posted by Dr Leo Marvin | Posted on February 11, 2008 4:27 AM
Dr Mcsteeny
You should know that there is going to be another season of kidnation and that you really should recap it it starts in may
warof7
5 of 17 | Posted by warof7 | Posted on February 11, 2008 6:49 AM
MichyPR---thank you SOOOOOOO much for using bitchassness in reference to Johnny. It was absolutely spot on
6 of 17 | Posted by lalia | Posted on February 11, 2008 7:09 AM
I also LOVE the bitchassness comment. Great word usage and mtv reality crossover :) I think all shows should now adopt the word.
Brooke is soooo a fake lesbo! Her final quote nailed it on the head when she said she now knows she can find a man who loves her.
All of the relationships annoy me at this point, especially the Frank one. You would think they were married!!
7 of 17 | Posted by yankeesfan | Posted on February 11, 2008 7:26 AM
Evelyn may be a veteran, but there haven't been enough "lesbians" around for her to hook up with to know the rules of the challenge romances. They usually don't last longer than the challenge itself, are done only for camera time, or are actually nothing but edited into something. CT and Diem are an exception, but CT is not exactly a prize anyway. Brooke is definitely a fake lesbian, either that or desperate. She did try to hook up with
a gay guy repeatedly on her season.
As for Johnny and Casey, someone said they hooked up the first night of "The Duel". I think it was Tina, I'm not sure. But I guess they actually turned it into a relationship outside of the show. Go figure.
8 of 17 | Posted by hollabackboy | Posted on February 11, 2008 2:12 PM
i think its pretty funny that casey kept saying all she and johnny bananas did was make out when both of them were COMPLETELY NAKED and had pulled a mattress into whatever room they were in.
it was a little upsetting when they cut zach's hair.
9 of 17 | Posted by blairwaldorf | Posted on February 11, 2008 3:31 PM
The rookies just put themselves in prime position to kick some ass. No more Tyrie or Brooke? Sad for the drama, but awesome for the challenges.
I've decided really like Johanna. I liked her in Austin, and I like this new my-ass-got-kicked-into-shape-by-my-dumbass-and-steroid-using boyfriend Johanna.
I can't wait for the day that CT gets thrown into the Gauntlet. That is going to be one big plate of angry.
10 of 17 | Posted by HereKittyKitty | Posted on February 12, 2008 7:18 AM
The recapper is not that funny. Whatever he/she's name is.
Anyway. I was a little sad to see Brooke go. She was fun, although she doesn't have one athletic bone in her body.
Jill looked so cute running around with that ball.
Oh yeah I wanted to point out, the rookies team sucks donkey gonads. They are horrible. I'm rooting for them but they really suck. They just barely one that challenge and they had a 4 man advantage. A freaking 4 man advantage! Maybe getting MJ will help. Maybe.
11 of 17 | Posted by bakismaki | Posted on February 12, 2008 7:49 AM
*correction won not one
12 of 17 | Posted by bakismaki | Posted on February 12, 2008 7:50 AM
re: jillian's mathematical strategy.
the winner was the first one to reach 4 points. the first 3 balls were worth 1 point each. the last 2 were worth 2 each.
jillian got the first 2 balls, giving her 2 points, needing 2 pts more to win. the 3rd ball (1 pt) was a throwaway. whether she got it or not, she'd still only have to get the 4th - (or 5th) to win.
just fyi. it was actually a surprisingly smart move - relatively speaking of course.
13 of 17 | Posted by bonita | Posted on February 12, 2008 8:29 PM
This recap sucked. All these Gauntlet ones have sucked so far. Too many personal background stories and not enough actual recapping. I can't even begin to list how many parts of this episode that deserved a shout out were just brushed over/skipped. Please stick to recaping shows I won't be watching
14 of 17 | Posted by kellyhp12 | Posted on February 13, 2008 2:48 AM
This part of the recap and the screencap that followed cracked me up:
"when the girls and Eric stood around the bucket wringing out the shirts, it was like a scene out of an island remake of Little Orphan Annie."
HAHA!
But I can't believe you didn't recap Coral's comment about Brooke and Ev...Coral always makes me laugh. And it was especially funny that she was questioning the whole real/fake lesbian thing b/c isn't Coral herself a faux lesbian?
15 of 17 | Posted by serjen | Posted on February 13, 2008 5:12 AM
Serjen, I was wondering the same thing about Coral...
16 of 17 | Posted by michypr | Posted on February 13, 2008 11:24 AM
whoever is talkin smack on McSteeny just doesn't get it.... McSteeny is TVGasm's best recapper! The personal stories are her thang, if you knew bout Dexter!!
17 of 17 | Posted by steez | Posted on February 13, 2008 4:21 PM