My first stop on the Miz Express was a journal entry dated 10/9/04. Mike had flown into Dallas for some uninspired reason and hilarity ensued. Or at least highlights. Here is the odd opening paragraph (an no, this was NOT written by Carson Kressley):

As soon as I got to Dallas I went to the hotel picked up Cameran and we were off to my friends salon to get a hair cut. I was just going to get a trim and Cammy was going to get some highlights but as the time progressed I decided to get some highlights as well. I must say I was pleased with the result. My friend, Lance, did a great job on both of our heads.

Yes, another conquest for Mike's Metrosexuality. I guess it's not so much an issue of Tough Enough as it is Fab Enough.

Sadly, the rest of this post was not nearly as entertaining as the opening paragraph; so I simply moved deeper in the archive to a post from late September. Honestly, it was so chock-full of great lines that I have no choice except to write an in depth analysis of the entire post from start to finish. Here goes.

Speaking Engagement for Kansas State's DECA Convention

Now I had no idea what DECA meant but I was more than willing to give them a speech on leadership. I knew this was going to be a hard speech when I found out that DECA was all high school students. High schoolers are a lot harder to speak to because you have to watch what you say more. No swearing at all because those old teachers will get pissed. Yeah pissed is a swear word too.

Thanks for the no-context intro, Mike. I guess we'll just jump into this post mid-thought. I like how Mike is so eager to give a speech that he doesn't even bother to check out the organization. Word to the wise: if NAMBLA comes calling, don't accept. By the way, nice use of ironic humor in the "pissed" comment. That was high level.

I got there a day early and took a 2 hour car ride with Jess who was really nice and made the 2 hour drive seem faster. They picked me up in a Cavalier that shook when you reached 80 mph and had no power windows or locks. We had a great time making fun of it.

Oh Cavalier humor is the BEST! It shook at 80 mph, had no power windows and no power locks? That is HILARious! What's next? It had no cruise control? I can't even conceive!!! Big ups to this mysterious Jess for making the drive seem faster. We'll just assume that's code for felatio.

We finally got to the camp where the convention was being held and I met Emily who hired me. I asked her what DECA was and she told me that the students take tests and are ranked all over the USA. I was like what student would volunteer to take a test because I know I wouldn't want to.

Wow, did Mike just shoot his passive aggressive cannon at the kids? No, he was just being a dumbass. But yes - what kids would EVER volunteer to take a test? I don't know. Maybe ones that want to grow academically so that someday their Internet posts don't read like The Miz's?

Then she told me that these kids were the best of the best and get an all expense paid trip to Anahiem and NY for nationals where there'd be 14,000 other students competing. Well that'd be motivation enough for me when I was in high school because most of that 14,000 were girls.

Um, Miz, I don't think this will necessarily be the most attractive pool of high school girls. You may want to revise your plans for getting some retroactive Achievement Test tail.

Eventhough I hated tests in high school I think I could manage. They showed me my room which was away from all the high school kids and was nice. I mean it was no Hilton but it would do.

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Posted in Real World and Road Rules Challenge by B-Side at 3:17 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)
Last Comment: wendy on Dec 8, 2004 08:26 AM.