We open at night and the conversation of the evening is about Johnny and Kenny's asses. Johnny is telling the group that his ass is higher and tighter than Kenny's, and that Kenny's ass is "loose and weird." High and tight, loose and weird. Whatever, you're both dicks. Why are we splitting hairs here? And I would be doing my former favorite joke a disservice if I failed to add: your mother's loose and weird. Seriously I used to run that mother joke like it was my job. It was my very own "That's What She Said." Ah to be young and offensive again. Well, at least offensive.

Anyway, this little ass convo inspires Kenny, Johnny and Dan to strip down, compare asses and have the nicest ass winner selected. With none other than Ryan being the final judge. Tim Gunn, eat your heart out. It's just your basic run of the mill ass-off, if you will. You know, like on South Park when Paris Hilton and Mr. Slave had a whore-off. Only in this case, no one engulfs a pineapple with their vagina. At least not on screen anyway.

Meanwhile Jen makes a face of disgust as Johnny tells Ryan not to look inside his butt crack, because he hasn't wiped in a while. And there goes the gag reflex. Wow, Gag Relfex, I haven't seen you since that night in college with the 40s of Eight Ball, and that frat brother named Moose. I've missed ya buddy. Good to have ya back.

I don't think I could possibly be any less attracted to a person than I am to Johnny. Seriously, he's managed to succeed to number one on my list of the most unattractive men in America. Former holder of the top seed:

This guy

Anyway I didn't think that guy from Ghost would ever be usurped, but I was proven wrong this past weekend when I had a dream in which there was some crazy natural disaster that demolished most of the earth. And the only three surviving species were myself, Johnny Bananas and this gigantic elephant that was badly injured. Somehow we all wound up lumped together. And almost instinctively the elephant got up and started collecting what little fruit was left on the trees. Like the elephant knew that it was up to us to help the world continue on. And then God looked down from the heavens and said, "McSteeny, it's up to you. The only way for life to carry on is for you reproduce." And I looked at Johnny who had a huge smile on his face. And I shook my head, dreading my fate. But then I looked at the elephant, who was still hard at work, fighting off his injuries and sacrificing for the sake of the future. I didn't like it, but I knew what I had to do. So I looked up at God and said, "Okay fine, but if you need me to do it, you're gonna have to send down a ladder and some KY."

Somehow Ryan decides that Johnny has the best ass, followed by Kenny. Dantastic's ass, Ryan tells us, leaves something to be desired. Something, like, say, Pepto Bismol? The next day Dunbar, Kenny and Johnny are talking about how Johanna told them that Jen has been running her mouth trying to campaign against The Family. I knew it was you Fredo. You broke my heart. Anyway, it's decided that Jen needs to go. They find Ryan and tell him that they will agree to send him into the face-off if he promises to take Jen's key if he wins. Get serious gentlemen. Ryan and Jen are besties. Have you not seen Will and Grace? The gays are nothing if not loyal to their hags.

Meanwhile Dunbar is pissed off because he doesn't like how Ryan is just like the girls and makes his decisions based on made up friendships that he's formed with people within just a few weeks of meeting them on this island. Yes, Dunbar, because your alliances are based on much more important things than that. Like chauvinistic bonds and who else agrees that "No," sometimes means "harder."

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Posted in Real World and Road Rules Challenge by Dr. McSteeny at 12:33 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)
Last Comment: mrsc on Oct 30, 2008 02:49 PM.