Bienvenidos back to Puerto Vallarta. We open at night time. The day has probably been full of romance, laughter and alcohol induced drama that we'd all love to have seen, but MTV would like to start us off with a T-Mobile Sidekick clue instead. That's cool MTV. Save all the good stuff for the Shit They Should Have Shown episode. We don't mind. I'm sure there's plenty of valuable comedic material for me to write about amidst the upcoming footage of people pushing cars through sand. I'll just work with that.
Before we get to the challenge, Tori, Janelle, and Johanna are sitting around having a sweaty little chit chat about who they'd want to face in the gauntlet. I have to say, Johanna and Tori are pretty girls. Even with ponytails, sneakers and shorts pulled all the way up to their boobies they manage to come across as naturally pretty. None of that trashy, overly made-up, "I only look good from far away, but look how well my bright pink lipstick matches my bright pink top," kind of way.
No offense Janelle.
When the teams arrive for the first challenge, TJ reveals that the rookies will get a replacement player. Moments later MJ from Philadelphia makes his grand entrance. He's also carrying a water bottle, just in case he gets winded or comes across a wilting plant on his jog in. Turns out MJ has a "five and a half month year old baby at home." Month years huh? I guess somebody didn't read the How to Properly Describe Your Child's Age book. Or the instructions on the back of the Trojan box, for that matter.
This addition of MJ to the team really boosts the rookies' confidence. Nehemiah tells us it's great to have MJ, because MJ is 6'6" and 240 pounds. I'm starting to think that Nehemiah routinely exaggerates sizes. Last time he said Brooke has 70 pounds on Jill. Now MJ is 6'6", 240. Erroneous! Erroneous on both counts! Nehemiah honey, you got MJ. Not a Philadelphia Eagle. Although, at this point you could use one.
Ten inches you say?... Riiiight.
The rookies really need to win today's challenge, because they're getting their asses handed to them so far. "It's been demoralizing," Derek tells us. "Not just demoralizing to us personally, but also to our morale." Demoralization damaging morale, you say? How very unheard of. We must put a stop to this before decapitation starts cutting people's heads off.
Melinda suggests that if the rookies really want to win this week they have to go, "All balls out. All balls to the wall." Now I'm not up to date on my West Coast slang, but I've never heard this phrase before. Maybe I'm wrong, and one of you West Coasters can learn me, but something tells me that whatever expression she was searching for, she didn't find it.
For Shizzle?
On to the challenge. Today's challenge requires the teams to push cars to a finish line. There are more details, of course, but I'm so over typing out all the details of these challenges and their associated rules. It's not like you need me them re-explain it to you. Your TV was on, you saw them.
The vets win the first challenge, but not before Melinda gets hit in the head with a board. Cue the medical attention and Danny finally puts down his new Myview Personal Mini-Viewer, and comes over to find out what's going on. He must really be strong, because he picks her up and seems to carry her pretty easily. Aw, isn't it's no nice when illegal performance enhancing drugs finally give back? Then he rushes her into the hospital like she's about to get a boob job.
Ok Melinda, tell me what you don't like about yourself.
At the hospital, we come to learn that Melinda has suffered a concussion and a very serious condition called dehydration. Actually no real doctor ever confirms these conditions, the only person we saw give that diagnosis was Dr. HGH. I call shenanigans. Even if they are really her ailments, I'll give her the concussion thing, but dehydration? Come on. Dehydration is not that big a deal. Give the girl a Vitamin Water and call it a day. In the meantime, suck it up Miss Priss. All balls to the wall.
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Comments (11)
I grew up in Southern CA and have heard people say "balls out" and "balls to the wall".
Frank sticking up for Jillian really annoyed me. It was probably just the way they edited it, but she should have fought her own battles instead of sitting there silently.
1 of 11 | Posted by SnackyCakes420 | Posted on February 22, 2008 12:19 AM
i have been seriously slacking on my gauntlet this season. I hereby vow to make more of a snarkiness effort. might be the weather. snark's just not flowin like it used to.
janelle's an idiot for picking someone with an undefeated record plain and simple. jillian crushed everyone she went up against...meaning she was the worst person to pick. these chicks are half-assing it big time. dust off my red, white and blue loverboy headband and let me show you how it's done. bunch of marys.
anyone remember the 'Return to Las Vegas' antics and frank's turn at being a playboy? i have a feeling miss jillian is going to look back at this and cringe. like making out with that sorta cute guy at the bar that one night and being mildly proud of yourself. that is until you and your friends run into him again and you realize you were slummin big time and it ain't gonna look good on a resume. at least jillian's faux pas is on tape. bravo.
2 of 11 | Posted by k37744 | Posted on February 22, 2008 5:10 AM
Frank is by far the most annoying rookie. The way he was fighting to Jillian was SOOO annoying. Especially since his reasoning was nonsense. Had it been any other girl who was thrown into the gauntlet each time he would not have cared. Then when he was screaming for her in the gauntlet...I wanted to throw a rock at him!
3 of 11 | Posted by yankeesfan | Posted on February 22, 2008 7:18 AM
By the way, how many times are we going to hear the phrases "top dog" and "trim the fat"?
May I add "chopping block" to that list please?
Maybe thats whats so bad about this show this time-(besides no coral/katie/beth action so far) no original thinking!
4 of 11 | Posted by sweetleaf | Posted on February 22, 2008 7:29 AM
Once again, nice recap Dr. McSteeny. I love the first two captions - "No Offense Janelle" and "Ten Inches You Say?...Riiight" And I didn't even catch MJ's baby mistake. Hilarious.
I do agree the episodes could be better if they added some of the behind the scenes stuff instead of showing 2 challenges and 2 gauntlets. It might as well be a half hour show again.
5 of 11 | Posted by hoboscooter | Posted on February 22, 2008 9:23 AM
It's actually 60 months years.
Anyways, I wonder why they keep sending Jillian in, the Vets I mean, Did I miss something?
6 of 11 | Posted by MichyPR | Posted on February 22, 2008 10:37 AM
sweetleaf: Yes!!! I totally cringe every single time I hear "chopping block." And it's not just this show--it drives me nuts.
Awesome recap. I loved MJ's months years. There wee so many hilarious things about this recap I don't know where to start, so I'll take the lazy way out and just say kudos.
Just for spits and giggles, I say "balls to the wall" quite often. Usually, I'm doing it to sound especially hokey. I've heard my share of it here in the dirty south.
7 of 11 | Posted by VolGirl | Posted on February 22, 2008 10:44 AM
Just wanted to add, if y'all didn't know already. I looked up Brad's myspace page and it looks as if him and Tori are officially together now. So they're not just hooking up, like i thought everyone was doing in the Gauntlet. He has pics of both of them together on his page. =)
8 of 11 | Posted by jozeyg | Posted on February 22, 2008 1:56 PM
You know, as soon as I saw the rules for the first challenge, I had the feeling that one of the idiots on this show would end up injuring himself or herself. Why can't people understand that you should never give two-by-fours to anyone even remotely connected to MTV?
Also, when I saw Frank cheering Jillian on, my first thought was, "This dude is getting laid tonight!" I actually thought it was kind of cute, but I'm a bit partial to Frank, anyway.
9 of 11 | Posted by Philemon307 | Posted on February 24, 2008 7:54 PM
balls to the wall gets used in the midwest as well... although once i was trying to think of it to use and came out with "balls to the wind" yeah... use it and pass it on :)
10 of 11 | Posted by tvkitty | Posted on February 25, 2008 11:23 AM
I thought Janelle would put up more of a fight. Seriously, wtf? Scratch her f-cking eyes out, b-tch. It's disappointing 'cause Frank and Jillian are uber-irritating. I thought it was a hilarious farce that Frank said Jillian was in there twice already when one of those times was against Brooke. F-cking Brooke! If that Gauntlet event was who could be a nutty, nonathletic faux-lesbo, then, yeah, Jillian went in twice, but, as it stands, she only really went in once before this one.
11 of 11 | Posted by angelic_shy_sweet_guy | Posted on February 29, 2008 1:15 PM