I know this sounds really bad, but does anyone else sort of want a rape investigation in the Real World house? Just hear me out. Last season, after an alleged rape occurred in the San Diego household, the final two months of the roomies' stay were condensed down to three or four pithy episodes (sorry Charlie. Barely knew ya). Now, I liked last season; so its truncated run was a little sad for me. But here we are in Real World: Philadelphia with two months left to document and no signs of rape or murder on the horizon. This is not fair, I tell you.
Anyway, when we last left our septet of suck, they were cavorting under the romantic Fijian moon. And by "cavorting", I mean "having sex", "preying on teenagers for sex" and "threatening to slash each other's throats." But now it was time for everyone to pack their bags and head back to Philly. Oh wait, they're still in Fiji. Hmmm... This is awkward. (Twiddling thumbs during montage of Fiji nature shots. Palm trees. Ocean. Ugly carpeting — okay, NOW we're back in Philly).
Upon return to the Real World house, Shavonda immediately gave us her Frommers opinion of the trip: "I grew closer to some people in Fiji, I grew apart from others." She then added "I let some stick their peepees in me and didn't let others. I'm not going to name names though." Yes, Shavonda and Landon finally had sex, and if you're like me, you've been quietly dreading the inevitable Shaun drama soon to be splattered on our face like an unwanted money shot (I know that's a disturbing image, but Landon and Shavonda really do conjure up the vilest prose).
But before any bickering could take place, we briefly visited with Mel who was weighing out her passive aggressive options. "I think I'm gonna ask, 'Are you gonna tell Shaun what happened?'" she told Karamo. Oooh. What a rare glimpse into the mind of the PA master! And here I thought she came up with her bon-mots right on the spot. I really enjoy that she strategizes how she's going to PA Shavonda, but if I were her, I'd say "So Shavonda, do you think you should tell Shaun you're a slut?" Hmmm... too obvious?
Actually, in all honesty, I don't think Shavonda's a slut. She's just an annoying drama queen with little to no redeeming qualities. I mean seriously. She brings nothing to this planet. Well, I guess she breathes, and that's good for plants. Cut to a dying plant gasping "Her breath... It's like fire!"
Anyway, Shavonda eventually jumped on the phone to call her lame pseudo-boyfriend Shaun who clearly was taking a break from his Jason Schwartzman impersonation class. "Did you think about me a lot?" he asked in full needy splendor. Shavonda looked shamefully at her feet and responded "Yeah... " I guess she didn't have the heart to tell him she only thought of him in a guilty, this-isn't-Shaun's-penis sort of way. Awkward silence ensued. Later, after learning of Shavonda's illicit sexcapades, Shaun mumbled, "My stomach really hurts right now." Adding, "I'm an enormous pussy."
Shavonda babbled some token lines in her defense, but once again Shaun retorted with a Tony Braxtonish accusation that she had thrown out everything. "And you lost me," he added as melodramatic punctuation. Unnnnbreak my heart... What are these two fighting about anyway? They're not even together. Or maybe they are together. According to Shavonda, she was about to commit to him for the rest of her life, but if HEEEEE couldn't understand that SHEEEE wanted to play the field, that was F'd up. Huh? Exactly how does commitment translate to playing the— oh never mind. I just have to accept that she's an idiot. A big dumb idiot. A big dumb idiot who probably has scabies.
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Comments (18)
oh please...just stop this season already. To quote Jon Stewart, "You're hurting America."
Is it getting close to season 4 (London) as Worst Real World Ever? Has it already surpassed it?
Well, B-side, at least you've managed to create something positive from of all this, like a gifted sculptor working in dogshit.
1 of 18 | Posted by flush it all away | Posted on February 3, 2005 6:12 PM
"like a gifted sculptor working in dogshit"
That would explain why I need to wash my hands after this show. rimshot!
2 of 18 | Posted by B-Side | Posted on February 3, 2005 6:14 PM
Remember how before this show started taping, it almost didn't happen because city government was mad they weren't using union contractors? The city had the right idea.
3 of 18 | Posted by chettogirl | Posted on February 4, 2005 5:42 AM
"If Landon were an emoticon, he'd probably be :-( But then I'd stab him in the eye, and then he'd be .-( Stupid Landon eye."
Holy crap that was hilarious, I would have been on the floor laughing, but I'm in an office with other people and I need my job.
Great job on this review. I had never watched The Real World till I started reading tvgasm. It makes it that much funnier.
Great job B-Side.
4 of 18 | Posted by PatMan | Posted on February 4, 2005 8:49 AM
B-Side I just have to say thank you. Thanks to you and your recaps I haven't had to watch a single episode but I still get to laugh at all of the stupid sh*t they do.
5 of 18 | Posted by mountain girl | Posted on February 4, 2005 8:55 AM
did anyone catch karamo's assertion that his roommates where "white queens" and that he was "too hip-hip". flashbacks of san diego frankie's "too punk rock" statement.
shavonda is the worst type of person. she makes everything she says self important, but she doesn't realize the vortex of contradictions that flow out of her mouth (mainly because her mouth is on like hyper speed or something). karamo should really slit her throat.
6 of 18 | Posted by wes | Posted on February 4, 2005 9:09 AM
Shavonda of Arcadia!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh MY GOd I peed my pants, B-side you rock.
Through all of "Vondas" self important tirades and promotion. I kept thinking.
Girl ya aint that pretty.
7 of 18 | Posted by Romedog | Posted on February 4, 2005 10:35 AM
Shavonda of Arcadia!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh MY GOd I peed my pants, B-side you rock.
Through all of "Vondas" self important tirades and promotion. I kept thinking.
Girl ya aint that pretty.
8 of 18 | Posted by Romedog | Posted on February 4, 2005 10:35 AM
I think Romedog is RIGHT ON!
I am a lesbian who likes dumb black girls who think and act like they are white....but even I can't stand Shavonda!
And can I just say.....Willie, you need to wear shirts that have sleeves! Your arms ain't that pretty!
9 of 18 | Posted by jeano | Posted on February 4, 2005 6:29 PM
I have a new way of watching Real World. I don't watch it the night it airs. I wait til after I read your recap, then watch the repeat and laugh my ass off at everything that happens cuz I have your voice in my head as I watch.
It's soooooooo much better this way!
10 of 18 | Posted by TinkerbellAPixie | Posted on February 4, 2005 7:08 PM
I'm just reading this now, OMG. Very cute.
Wassup w/ Karamo going after that lame-o? At least Dorian was a man and had something going on for himself. Oops; operative word, "man." Apparently Karamo likes other kids.
Me and some of my boyz have wondered ... if Karamo's so down with the brothaz ... why doesn't he party up in North Philly? Why keep hanging out at the poor man's Roxy?
Any-hoo, ^5s to Romedog: Shavonda of Arcadia is right. After all, God put her on that show for a reason. Maybe it was to shag Landon.
No?
11 of 18 | Posted by Rod | Posted on February 4, 2005 9:16 PM
Ouch my hole hurts!!
This Bitch Shavonda is like finding a pubic hair in your french toast in granpas kitchen on sunday morning. Ive got a few words for you " SHUT THE FUCK UP". No one cares about her sandbox theatrics expect for the bushy tailed beaver "landon" that she is rubbing knobs with. Let me sum up this dime store patsy- Hipocrisy unplugged like rod stewarts hair in the heat of the night. I DONT PLAY GAMES WITH BOYS - your right about that BITCH they are playing you like the Donald plays Monopoly (maybe if you find someone with a set of balls) you may find you are nothing but the village trike with a flat. Is this what we have devolved into? Are they dispensing Real World applications in Craker Jack boxes? --what the hell?
12 of 18 | Posted by L'il Evil Eva | Posted on February 5, 2005 12:04 AM
Ouch my hole hurts!!
This Bitch Shavonda is like finding a pubic hair in your french toast in granpas kitchen on sunday morning. Ive got a few words for you " SHUT THE F_CK UP". No one cares about her sandbox theatrics expect for the bushy tailed beaver "landon" that she is rubbing knobs with. Let me sum up this dime store patsy- Hipocrisy unplugged like rod stewarts hair in the heat of the night. I DONT PLAY GAMES WITH BOYS - your right about that B_TCH they are playing you like the Donald plays Monopoly (maybe if you find someone with a set of balls) you may find you are nothing but the village trike with a flat. Is this what we have devolved into? Are they dispensing Real World applications in Craker Jack boxes? --what the hell?
13 of 18 | Posted by L'il Evil Eva | Posted on February 5, 2005 12:05 AM
OUCH YOU PEOPLE ARE VICIOUS LOL!!!
14 of 18 | Posted by Ed | Posted on February 7, 2005 7:12 AM
You made me laugh out loud in Comparative Law. The professor shot me a dirty look. Shame, B-Side. I hope my future courtroom doesn't have wireless, so I'm not held in contempt for not paying attention during trials, while snickering like a malevolent school-boy.
15 of 18 | Posted by Jay | Posted on February 7, 2005 9:13 AM
I never heard about the alleged rape that occurred in the San Diego household. What's that all about??
16 of 18 | Posted by mis | Posted on February 7, 2005 2:21 PM
Flush it all away, I'm sorry but the worst season of Real World was Paris. There was absolutely NO excitement in there whatsoever. Ugh!
17 of 18 | Posted by Jessica | Posted on February 8, 2005 9:36 AM
It's a bit racist to say that Shavonda 'acts white.' No, I'm wrong. It's a lot racist! Is she acting 'white' because she is articulate and educated? God forbid a 'black' woman doesn't snap her fingers or sway her neck, etc. Or is she acting 'white' because she has had 'white' lovers--oh the horror: interracial loving!
By the way, if you hadn't noticed, Shavonda is obviously mixed-race. Maybe her 'white' ways are a manifestation of her 'white' genes expressing themselves? Right? Wrong! What is it with you idiots! Why do you persist in applying your ignorant, racist stereotypes to anyone with African ancestry? Someone is 'black' and must talk with a certain accent, think a certain way, blah, blah, blah? Shame on you for dehumanizing Shavonda. Come on.
18 of 18 | Posted by Disappointed | Posted on February 10, 2005 3:56 PM