There's been so much activity on TV this week, I nearly forgot about our old friend, Real World: Key West. That's not to say that this episode wasn't notable. Quite the opposite! It was Paula-tastic! Is it wrong that I derive so much pleasure from her near weekly breakdowns? I know it's cruel, and I know she has some deep, dark demons literally eating away at her, buuuut... she's hilarious. Totally, truly insane. I really do hope she gets some help, and with that being said, let's enjoy another go around with Paula Walnuts and latest downward spiral of shame. Oh, and if you object to this, let me quote Paula and say "Kiss MY ASS!!!"
This week's episode began on a light note. Or rather, a tan note. Johnny Bananas volunteered himself to be the house's Mystic Tan guinea pig. I didn't know why he was acting like this was some big deal. It's not like he was being launched into orbit with the world's first ever popsicle stick space ship. Mystic Tan is a tried and true process. Just ask Charlize Theron.
Anyway, before John subjected himself to the dyes and pigments that would soon turn him a lovely shade of pumpkin orange, tanning salon overlord Ricky insisted that he watch an instructional video first. The guys popped in a tape or DVD or whatever (sorry, I wasn't paying close attention to the media storage) and immediately, a happy instructor said, "Welcome to Mystic Tan." I was highly amused by this presentation, only because it reminded me of those dumb videos amusement parks show before a roller coaster. And I think if there's anything we can agree on, it's that getting a Mystic Tan is an adrenaline-pumping experience. You know, I've never actually gotten a Mystic Tan before. I'll have to put that on the list of stupid TVgasm things to do (right behind eating the P'Eatzza).
Well, after learning about all the various complexities and nuances of the Mystic Tan experience, John finally stepped into the booth and took one step closer to being the Long Island dude we knew he could always be. Just add two gallons of mousse and a hefty smattering of cologne, and he'd be ready for Syosset! That is, assuming he actually survived inhaling all those Mystic Tan chemicals. Turns out that in John's excitement, he forgot to close his mouth, which meant all that nasty-ass junk went right into his mouth. I'm sure he'll be fine; although, he's probably going to feel like he just huffed White-Out for the next eight hours.
We then were treated to some blurred-out nudity, thanks to John, and later, he showed off his butternut-squash hues to his roommies, going so far as to bare his ass. Janelle was not happy to see that, but then again, I've yet to see much she is happy about. Anyway, the gang then went out that night to hit the bars and promote the tanning salon, which, by the way, was opening the next day. That really snuck up on us. Zach babbled on to us about how their market was perfect for the salon, and I couldn't help but disagree. All those cloudy, dreary days in Key West will surely have the locals scrambling to the tanning booths en masse!
Anyway, the kids all showed up at the salon for work, and, um, wasn't there supposed to be a big opening day extravaganza? Something about a marching band coming by? Well, if it was excitement you wanted, it was excitement you got. For the big day, Zach put out a cardboard sign on which someone had written, "We're Open." And that was it. Wow! I think he's got a future in event planning! Move over Colin Cowie. There's a new star in town!
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Comments (18)
Hurricane Paula strikes again....i love it! Awesome recap.
1 of 18 | Posted by Firecat
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Posted on May 20, 2006 9:22 PM
Great recap, B-Side. When this season first started I was so unhappy that the producers would put a person with such problems in the house but, man, that girl is entertaining. And we probably should all go to hell for watching and laughing but who can stop? I mean, Tyler was right there and laughed! Paula has used up all my sympathy (which wasn't that vast to begin with) and I just feel for her roomies now. One of these days the producers are going to cast a sociopathic serial killer and then they'll be sorry.
Can't wait for the fireworks with Jose and Janelle. To be fair Paula and Svetty are such strong, stupid personalities that it's got to be hard to "shine" around them. Especially if you have no personality to begin with.
2 of 18 | Posted by zevonia
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Posted on May 20, 2006 9:33 PM
MAN, the one episode I miss, Jose speaks. gotta cathc the rerun.
in john's defense i was forced to "stop being a pasty ass" and get a spray tan once and it does taste nasty....and i tried not to breathe and or taste it.
(had to watch a video first too)
3 of 18 | Posted by juxtapoeser
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Posted on May 20, 2006 10:00 PM
BSIDE-
Okay so I thought this had to be a joke in the first minute or so, but oh no, its totally REAL.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K8aSSBqEEWE&search=real%20world%20key%20west
if you have not seen this, brace yourself
4 of 18 | Posted by wowforyou
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Posted on May 20, 2006 11:37 PM
wow, that was a waste of 6 minutes and 55 seconds. did i miss the exciting part of that video?
i love how we don't see janelle for weeks and then she shows up just to give paula a dirty look. and tyler is such an evil little instigator, i think the funniest part of this episode was watching him try to hold it together and then sending paula off to zach.
5 of 18 | Posted by ldini79
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Posted on May 21, 2006 9:39 AM
The most interesting thing in that video was the part about the music project. The host said submitted music would be critiqued by "music industry bigwigs" but the text on the screen said "local music djs". I would say those two things are not the same!
6 of 18 | Posted by zevonia
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Posted on May 21, 2006 10:31 AM
Oh man. I haven't seen this episode yet (stupid MTV seems to only play "Yo Momma" and that stupid volleyball or whatever movie now), but you've really built me up for something good. Between the Clipgasm and this recap... well, I'm pretty excited.
7 of 18 | Posted by antebellum
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Posted on May 21, 2006 11:28 AM
Oh, and that video was completely worthless. Only to see three tools thinking they're funny and Zach dancing like the white boy he is.
8 of 18 | Posted by antebellum
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Posted on May 21, 2006 11:35 AM
LOVED the Clipgasm clip.
LOVED the episode, and the "episode". Every time I see it, I crack-up. Paula is so past crazy, I'll bet she has a "Do Not Disturb, Because Already Disturbed" sign on every hotel door she stays in while on tour.
The most amazing part of that Wichita TV station clip was how completely unembarrassed PW seems to be. Every once in a while I check out her My Space page, and NO ONE ever posts about how CRRRaaaaaaayyyyyyZEEEEE she is. Way to go on the positive re-inforcement people.
I'm thinking about doing an iPod compendium of songs containing "crazy" in the title and calling it the Paula Walnuts Collection. Any takers?
9 of 18 | Posted by Chee-Z-TeeVee Addict
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Posted on May 21, 2006 1:52 PM
First love the Whitney reference "Hell to the no" Classic!!!! Can't wait for the next show to see Jose let Janelle have it I have been hoping for that. Just a thought but do you think Paula goes after John b/c he is somewhat her ex-bf Keith in the all-america /frat/white boy but she knows that he could never hit her on TV?
10 of 18 | Posted by Roney12
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Posted on May 21, 2006 4:29 PM
"Meanwhile, a solitary tear appeared in Paula's eye as she too sat stunned and silently."
that totally reminds me of that 70's environmental commercial where the native american chief cries a solitary tear after someone litters.
Chee-Z-TeeVee Addict- havethe perfect 2 songs: "crazy" by gnarls barkely (really good song) and, of course "crazy" by britney spears
11 of 18 | Posted by anonym.
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Posted on May 21, 2006 4:32 PM
Tyler cracking up was hilarious. And Jose was not making any sense to me.
12 of 18 | Posted by mizta
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Posted on May 22, 2006 1:56 AM
-- What's the biggie ? Is it because she called herself Paul Walnuts?
13 of 18 | Posted by mizta
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Posted on May 22, 2006 2:07 AM
-- What's the biggie ? Is it because she called herself Paula Walnuts and so did B-side?
14 of 18 | Posted by mizta
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Posted on May 22, 2006 2:11 AM
Paula acting crazy seems to be the only interesting thing this season. I can't believe I still find it hilarious! Thanks for the recap, B-Side. Loved the 'Hell to the No!' :)
15 of 18 | Posted by stacyrocks
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Posted on May 22, 2006 9:06 AM
There was an article in US Weekly a few weeks ago that Paula wrote herself on her experience being on Real World and how it helped her...she said that MTV taped the very first and the very last session she had with her shrink...so we'll only see one more of those gems--and she probably will be a lot less crazy (??)
16 of 18 | Posted by Jenny P
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Posted on May 23, 2006 12:17 PM
"Harboring Quiet Resentments" seems to have been Paula's major in (community) college.
17 of 18 | Posted by holyterror
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Posted on May 25, 2006 8:28 AM
I haven't seen this episode but the recap was great. I checked out the Wichita clip, & fast-forwarded thru most of it. They need spell check-for the song contest, they listed as one of the categories that entries would be judged on was "compisition."
18 of 18 | Posted by tvaholic
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Posted on May 26, 2006 2:33 PM