Hello dolls, and welcome to the Real World Roast! I've spent the last week babysitting my landlord's kids, and I am embarrassed to admit that both Miley Cyrus and those Jonas Brothers have managed to infect my iPod. I'm all Disney Channeled out, and in desperate need of some trashy, twenty-something behavior to snap me out of it. I realize it is wrong to subject a nine and eleven year old to the Real World, but I am absolving myself by trying to turn it into a life lesson for them. "Look at these people" I tell the kids sternly, "and do everything you can to never, ever act like this." At least when there's cameras around, I add to myself silently.
Kids, Hanna Montana's a total slut too when she's not on Disney. It's just the way the real world is. GET USED TO IT.
And while I'm confessing embarrassing things about myself, I will also admit that I'm pretty sure I've seen every episode of every season of the Real World ever. It's not totally my fault, MTV plays the shit non-stop. It's hard to miss. Like Law & Order. Anyway, I mention this cause even though I have nothing but unkind things to say about the Real World, I rarely miss it. And as soon as I'm done writing this, I'm putting on some very expensive shoes and going somewhere trendy to try and win some cool points back. Wish me luck. Between this and Miley, it might be hopeless.
The host of the Roast is Jeffrey Ross, who I think I've seen on Comedy Central. Nothing but the best for the Real World Roast. And the first thing I notice about the event is that there's no chairs. I don't know why, but for some reason I was expecting a nice Golden Globes-esque sit down dinner, with Real Worlders in fancy gowns and tuxedo clad waiters with bottles of champagne. I really don't know where this idea came from, cause when I see a bunch of drunken wannabes cheering for themselves around a swimming pool with a podium instead of a stage, I realize all is exactly how it should be.
Man, DeGeneres is dropping out of everything this year.
So, the majority of the Real Worlders look really proud to be there. There's over a hundred of them. That's a pretty good turnout! Jeffrey Ross introduces them, and they yell and cheer for themselves, as Real Worlders are wont to do. Paula from Key West grabs her own boobs and shakes them around in her cheap, purple satin dress. Class was never a requirement for this gig.
Jeffrey Ross starts things off by making fun of Puck, which the crowd does not take kindly to. Puck looks a million years old, by the way. His hair is dirty grey, and he's wearing horn-rimmed glasses. Puck's a hip fifty year old. "We want Puck!" the crowd yells, and ultimately, Jeffrey Ross gets pushed into the pool. Puck appears on camera to inform us that he's the "godfather of reality TV", and Jeffrey Ross should have known better than to diss Puck in his own house.
Diss him from my house.
And wouldn't you know, I just happen to have to have a Puck on the airplane story to add to the mix. We were flying from Long Beach to New York - let me just say to start off with, the Long Beach flight is not exactly a celebrity ridden event. It's a D-list route, which is why my airline doesn't do it anymore, and which is also why I was not at all surprised to find Puck on my flight one night.
Puck boarded the flight looking like a homeless person, smelling like shit and acting like he was mentally ill. He was talking to himself and just acting generally nutty. This was in the post 9/11 panic, when anyone acting strange was immediately brought to the flight attendant's attention as a potential terrorist, so the guy sitting next to Puck reported him for this very reason. I took one look and realized, that's no terrorist, that's Puck from the Real World.
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Comments (38)
The actual best fight EVER was the Dan/Melissa (Miami) blow-up! Dan called her a "stupid bitch" for opening his mail and in return, she called him "an annoying faggot" or something along those lines! The best fight RW fight ever!!!!!
And, as far as steamiest RW scene... also from Miami, when Mike was having a threesome in the bathroom and all the cast members were trying to bust down the door to get a look. That was the definite precursor for the Brynn/Steven/Trashelle Las Vegas version.
Too much Pedro! I'm sorry, he and Puck were too much alike and that's why they didn't get along.... And, his "love story" shouldn't have been nominated, as Sean was not a cast member!
I had truly forgotten what a complete slut Cara (Chicago) actually was... perhaps because I thought she was kind of a cool chick who always commented what I was thinking at the time.... oh well. I wish she would come for a challenge.
As far as the cast members who are likable, you forgot to add Lars (London) and Cynthia (Miami) to the mix. I also liked Arissa (Las Vegas), but I know she was a lightning rod during the two seasons.
1 of 38 | Posted by slutty_whore | Posted on April 6, 2008 8:17 PM
you just know that kenny and evan sat at home together watching this drunken reunion masquerading as an awards show CURSING the fact that they couldn't go. It might mean my life is small and petty but that thought makes me smile.
2 of 38 | Posted by chunkymonkey | Posted on April 6, 2008 9:23 PM
ChickBomb a Gator?!?! This could make it hard to enjoy future recaps...I have to agree with you on Lacey though, she is pretty boring.
Now Jose from Key West, that was a cool Seminole Real Worlder.
3 of 38 | Posted by 38Noles | Posted on April 6, 2008 9:48 PM
why does shauvon keep thinking that if she shows more boob we won't notice that she's gained like 20 pounds?
4 of 38 | Posted by Spectater | Posted on April 7, 2008 7:42 AM
ChickBomb, you made my day with the RED GOD reference. What ever became of that?
I agree on the steamiest scene, SluttyWhore. Remember when Flora broke the window whilst trying to shove her ass into the bathroom? Hilarity!
They should have had a segment dedicated to pregnancy scares;I can think of at least 2, Trashelle and KellyAnne.
5 of 38 | Posted by MissKatrina | Posted on April 7, 2008 8:21 AM
I honestly thought Matt from New Orleans was a very butch girl at first! Not good. And I actually thought Nathan from Seattle looked pretty hot; he is aging gracefully.
6 of 38 | Posted by blazergirl | Posted on April 7, 2008 10:07 AM
I liked seeing past members also. Nathan has NOT aged well, he looks awful.
Stephen is an asshole.
I think the reason later seasons were nominated and won for almost anything, is because many of MTV viewers aren't old enough to remember anything prior to the Vegas season, or even later.
7 of 38 | Posted by spacevenus | Posted on April 7, 2008 10:10 AM
Chickbomb - I cannot tell you how awesome it is that you did a recap of this show because I tuned in and immediately wondered if TVgasm would do a recap - but then I figured I was probably the only lameass that actually watched this ridiculous thing! These people make Paris Hilton's quest for fame look respectable!
A couple of observations:
1. I do not understand why I am so attracted to CT (especially with his hair cut) because I really think he is an ass...
2. I completely agree with your comments about Stephen! WHAT - no mention of how Irene was RIGHT all along!! That pissed me off.
3. I completely disagree with the Austin cast being voted as favorite - that is actually my LEAST favorite cast - Hello Wes! fuckface!
4. Oh - Jacinda from Paris - I remember the first time I found out she was a real actress. I was watching the second Bridget Jones movie with a bunch of friends and I was all - OMG, THAT IS JACINDA FROM THE REAL WORLD - and of course my friends were like - "WHO? You are an idiot."
5. Was Janet from Seattle there? I totally wanted to be friends with her!
Oh - I laughed out loud when you said something about how you can think of 5 who don't deserve to be nominated in the "love to hate" category - SO TRUE!
8 of 38 | Posted by carmelicious | Posted on April 7, 2008 11:03 AM
Actually Melinda(Austin) was nominated for 'Hottest Female' that's why she came on stage with the rest of them. But i'm glad Svetty won! =)
Yeah, i don't understand either why the Austin cast one best season. They really weren't the best season at all. I actually liked Real World Denver a lot better then Austin. Why weren't they nominated!? helllo.....Brooke being crazy should have at least put them up there.
9 of 38 | Posted by jozeyg | Posted on April 7, 2008 11:17 AM
Austin was one of the worst casts ever. I thought it was a joke that they were even nominated. Danny and Melinda have nowhere to go but down after that glorious night of awards, but i am so happy that neither of them won hottest male/female. i doubt their egos need the boost.
Shauvon's boobs/chub was out of control. she is not going to be able to breathe pretty soon because those puppies are going to be blocking her nose/mouth.
Wes and Johanna broke up; i think she said so on the challenge reunion
10 of 38 | Posted by DP Hooker | Posted on April 7, 2008 11:21 AM
I thought it was a joke also that Austin was nominated (and won) for best cast and that Danny and Melinda won for best couple. Both were the worst ever.
Also, I think all of the thank you speeches were sarcastic...thanking God and parents, etc. I thought they were pretty funny.
11 of 38 | Posted by yankeesfan | Posted on April 7, 2008 2:13 PM
I am glad you recapped this, because there was just too much to comment on!!
1) Melinda is annoying as hell. She took this thing SO seriously. I like how even Danny was kind of abrupt in cutting her off after she goes "we're going to make cute babies"
2) Shauvon looks hideous. Yikes.
3) Kelly Anne was doing EVERYTHING she could to play the little sexpot. When they showed her as a nominee for hottest, she had that little "I'm so cute" look, and then when she lost, she slunked off the stage while the other gals were on it.
4) Kelly Anne also looked visibly pissed that she didn't get cutest couple.
5) Why wasn't KYLE from Chicago nominated for hottest guy? I wasn't a huge fan, but he was a good-looking dude. So was Ace. Johnny Bananas is NOT hot, I'm sorry.
6) You realize how great this show was back in the day when you see clips of Seattle, Chicago, even Miami. So much more quality.
That is all. I watched this twice from DVR and couldn't believe it either.
Oh yeah, Nathan has not aged well at ALL. Why is his face so sunken?
12 of 38 | Posted by KermitGirl_22 | Posted on April 7, 2008 3:16 PM
i agree also to post #1 that the Miami Dan/Melissa fight was the best. They cut out the best part when she retaliated (I belive she said "don't you ever all me a bitch, ever again, you f*cking fl*mer!")
13 of 38 | Posted by KermitGIrl_22 | Posted on April 7, 2008 3:29 PM
i also wanted to add(and agree).....Johnny Bananas is not hot!! who is voting for these people?
I wanted Kelly Anne and Cohutta to win best couple =( i think they're sooo cute. Does anyone know if they are actually a couple now? Because they looked a little 'couply' at the awards show. And yeah, she did look mad when they didn't win best couple.
Ewww Shauvon! i don't think that boob job helped her look any better. we can still see the chins sweetie!
and p.s., doesn't that pic of Miley Cyrus look like Trasha or is it just me?
14 of 38 | Posted by jozeyg | Posted on April 7, 2008 4:14 PM
I was just going to read and move on, but after reading the comment that nathan has aged well by blazergirl above, I had to post. WTH, he has NOT aged well at all, there is a complete online hunt to figure out what happened to him, is it alcohol, drugs, or did he get sick. He is in his 30's and looks older than Eric, even Beth. His skin looked yellow, and his lips were weirdly thin and swollen in some places. Does anyone know what he is up to? He went to the Military academy right?
15 of 38 | Posted by nflow | Posted on April 7, 2008 4:16 PM
Did anyone else notice when the whole Stephen/Nathan thing was going down that CT kept saying something like "Give me 250 and I'll pepper this guy right now" or something like that and Stephen was asking why this guy was threatening him. I thought that was hilarious, CT probably doesn't even know what's going on and he just wants to fight.
Oh and Shauvon...dear god! she looks hideous, and she got offended when that aussie guy called her a 6??? She's like a 2!...hmm 1 1/2. Davis has also gotten fat. Where was Julie (New Orleans?) And Jamie and Melissa.
Anyways, I'm sorry, hottest male should've been CT. Great recap :)
16 of 38 | Posted by MichyPR | Posted on April 7, 2008 8:27 PM
the only reason the recent seasons won everything cuz all the people who watched the earlier ones (years and years ago) are too old to care about voting on this business. austin was terrible.
17 of 38 | Posted by chrispeycreme | Posted on April 7, 2008 9:08 PM
OMG ChickBomb!! I Tivo'd this and haven't watched it yet. I also have not even made it through your recap yet, but I had to tell you midway how AWESOME you are for doing it! And I, as you, feel like a GIGANTIC loser because I have pretty much seen every single episode of this godforsaken show since it began.
Each year they start up a new one, I swear I will not get sucked into the vortex again (much like I say about "The Bachelor"). Yet, sadly, odds are that my forty-year-old ass will be settling in to watch RW Hollywood with a bottle of wine and not a shred of dignity.
The sad moment of truth so far for me, halfway through your recap: when you wrote "David (New Orleans)...come on be my baby tonight." All these years later, a crystal clear recollection of that season, that episode, that douchebag and that song came to mind as if it were yesterday. Man, do I need a hobby or something...
18 of 38 | Posted by snarky | Posted on April 7, 2008 10:48 PM
Also, I think Kelly from New Orleans should have been voted for best looking female. She seemed way too mature for the group of peeps that were nominated though, she probably has washed her hands of all the Real World mania.
Also loved the "come on by my baby tonight". I actually saw David at a Street Festival in Chicago but refrained from singing that to him, I'm sure he gets enough of that!!
19 of 38 | Posted by KermitGirl_22 | Posted on April 8, 2008 4:44 AM
Wow, this show was a complete waste of time. I couldn't believe it. I thought it was hilarious that the Austin cast took winning these crappy awards so seriously. Who in the hell voted them best season? Danny and Melinda are so freaking annoying. It was so annoying how whenever the camera was a group of people, they were all acting like drunk annoying fools all hugging and all over each other and making fish face poses like stupid teens posing for myspace or facebook pictures.
20 of 38 | Posted by Anonymous | Posted on April 8, 2008 9:02 AM
I might be in the minority here, but I LOVED the award show. Yes, I would have liked to see some of the more obscure cast members, but I'll settle on anything to get my fill. I was so enthralled while the awards were on. My boyfriend had the audacity to ask me a question, and before 2 words came out, I was screaming, "SHUT UP!!!"
First of all, I liked the bit with Brooke going, "Smiile, act like everything's normal, act like you have no probleeeems!" So funny, and right-on.
Anyone notice how when Melinda and Danny won for best couple (bullshit), Melinda was hugging and kissing Danny, and he was just standing there. He didn't even look at her. You know that later that evening Danny was like, "Yo Melinda. Chill with the retaahded hugs. You almost made my hat tip off!"
I thought Svetlanna was amusing during her season, but I saw her 21st birthday on My Super Sweet 16 (even though it was her 21st) and now I kind of hate her.
21 of 38 | Posted by sardini | Posted on April 8, 2008 10:20 AM
This "award" show was shit. I hate the whole entire smug Austin cast. There must be some major dick sucking going around, it's the only way that crap of a season or its asshole castmates won anything. I read on Planetsocks that Nathan had a major meth addiction. Thats why he doesnt looks so good.
22 of 38 | Posted by Poopsicle | Posted on April 8, 2008 10:37 AM
Yeah... thanks for recapping this.
Although I was also dissapointed by the people who won...come on Danny and Melinda and the Austin cast in general??? WTF. And how could Phillip from Chicago not be at least nominated for hottest male, 4 words...Days of or Lives.
I agree, most people voting were way too young to remember the awesomeness of Las Vegas, Back to New York, even Miami.
I don't know about anyone else, but I think I used to love Real World sooo much because the cast was around my age, or older. Not that all the people are younger it's just annoying.
Side note: You think Shauvon looked bad on tv, you should see her in person!
23 of 38 | Posted by MIssDelight | Posted on April 8, 2008 11:35 AM
Yeah... thanks for recapping this.
I was also dissapointed by the people who won...come on Danny and Melinda and the Austin cast in general??? WTF. And how could Phillip from Chicago not be at least nominated for hottest male? 4 words...Days of Our Lives.
I agree, most people voting were way too young to remember the awesomeness of Las Vegas, Back to New York, even Miami.
I don't know about anyone else, but I think I used to love Real World sooo much because the cast was around my age, or older. Now that all the people are younger it's just annoying.
Side note: You think Shauvon looked bad on tv, you should see her in person!
24 of 38 | Posted by MIssDelight | Posted on April 8, 2008 11:40 AM
When the Stephen/Nathan thing was going down, CT looked like an idiot. Can he be more of a kid??? Especially since it didn't concern him and it was a LONG time ago. Get over it and go back to kindergarten!
That chick from Denver, I think it was Colie but I'm not sure that was her name, also looked like a dumb ass. She was hanging all over people and looking stupid! They were kinda looking at her like she was an alien or something. Then she gave some dumb speach to one of the girls, totally interupting her on camera, said something about how she used to watch her in Middle School and that it was an honor sitting next to her. I guess that's as close as she'll get to a REAL Star... LOL!
And Tonya looked out of place there hanging around in the back with no one to talk to.
This was in fact VERY BORING... not the recap, but the actual show.
25 of 38 | Posted by sillage3 | Posted on April 8, 2008 12:42 PM
hey snarky,
make it a box of wine and i'll join ya.
26 of 38 | Posted by k37744 | Posted on April 8, 2008 1:59 PM
#21 (sardini):
LOL @ "Yo Melinda. Chill with the retaahded hugs..."
Hilarious! She just took the whole thing way too seriously. And you know Danny takes verbal jabs at her whenever he can. blecch.
27 of 38 | Posted by KermitGirl_22 | Posted on April 9, 2008 2:46 AM
Be dwa boo dwee da boo dwee eee
Scuh da boo dwee da boo dwee...
Come on be my baby tonight.
Come on be my baby tonight.
I've seen the way you've treated other thugs you've been with.
Come on be my baby tonight.
Dwee dab boo dwee eee eee...
Scuh da bwey-eee!
It's on youtube if you want to hear it.
28 of 38 | Posted by shia0bundan | Posted on April 9, 2008 1:57 PM
"David (New Orleans)...come on be my baby tonight." I loved that. I also loved that he stole a song from GUYS & DOLLS and tried to pass it off as his own. I hate him.
A friend met Shavonda at a Hooter's in San Diego and he said she was a major c*nt to him. (His words not mine)
29 of 38 | Posted by ReeseWitherspoon | Posted on April 9, 2008 5:39 PM
i HATE the austin cast.
why did they win best season?
out of the three nominated, san diego definitely should have won.
they had the most likeable cast out of the nominated seasons.
and i do agree a lot of the voters have only seen the seasons from the past few years. so some sucky people did win.
i mean, i'm young too, but i've been watching since hawaii, and religiously since chicago. although i did miss back to new york for some reason. which i regret, because i would have loved to see a whole season of coral.
30 of 38 | Posted by hollabackboy | Posted on April 9, 2008 10:47 PM
First, who was voting on these awards? Because the Austin cast? Yuck. The only cast that was worse was the London cast (notice everyone forgets about them lol).
"And the winner is...Colie? I don't understand this one at all. She grabs the microphone obnoxiously (oh, who are we kidding, everything Colie does reeks of obnoxious) and says she's not a playa she just crushes (chases) a lot."
Ok, true on the Colie = obnoxious. False on the "crushing" = "chases". It's a reference to the late Big Pun's song "Still Not a Player" ("I'm not a player, I just crush a lot"). In this case "crushing" means "fucking".
31 of 38 | Posted by blahblah | Posted on April 9, 2008 11:49 PM
Ok, so I'm watching the awards show (extended footage) on mtv.com because I don't have a TV (sigh).
How come no one has mentioned how much weight Shavon has gained? She's gained at least 20 lbs. with the double chin and hamhock arms to go along with her implants for the puffed up Dolly Parton look.
32 of 38 | Posted by blahblah | Posted on April 9, 2008 11:59 PM
Vegas was definitely the best season. Austin sucks ass.
Nathan looks 50.
I knew Irene hit the nail on the gay head when she called Stephen out for being homosexual. No one has that strong of a reaction unless it's TRUE. Plus, he's gotta be the only black guy in Real World history (with the exception of Muhammad) who didn't use his "fame" (and the tricked out house) to score with random skanks. Spells G-A-Y in my book. :-)
33 of 38 | Posted by blahblah | Posted on April 10, 2008 12:59 AM
Damn, the show is STILL on...
Svetty definitely has the best breasts of all the women cast members. Best face? No.
I think I had a girl crush on Irulan. Very cool chick.
Where's Cynthia (Cindy) from Miami? She's probably the least annoying female cast member of all time.
Also, Flora ties with Coral for the best Real World Bitch.
We should just do our own awards show here, huh? :-)
Here are the categories (feel free to add your own):
Most Annoying Gay Guy
Most Undercover Homosexual/Lesbian
Hottest Hookup (wish you were there)
Worst Hookup (made your eyes bleed)
Hottest Male (who *really should've* won)
Most Quotable
Sluttiest
Least Bangable Male
Least Bangable Female
Biggest Waste of Casting Space
34 of 38 | Posted by blahblah | Posted on April 10, 2008 1:12 AM
" shia0bundan:
Be dwa boo dwee da boo dwee eee
Scuh da boo dwee da boo dwee..."
Shia, marry me? LOL! Who knew you could scat like that?
35 of 38 | Posted by blahblah | Posted on April 10, 2008 1:25 AM
Correction: a few people mentioned Shauvon's hideousness. Good. I'm not the only one who noticed.
I must say that there's no excuse for anyone voting Austin the best cast, not when there are re-runs of old casts on Vh1 and MTV all the time.
I'm 28 and I've seen every single show of every single season. No, I'm not proud. Pass the wine, please.
36 of 38 | Posted by blahblah | Posted on April 10, 2008 1:29 AM
I should have clarified about Shavonda at Hooters. She was WORKING as a server there when my friend saw her. He's gay and could care less about the servers at Hooters, but he was a little excited to see Shavonda. His friend's parents bought him a hat and wanted her to sign it. He was fine with just seeing her, but since they were insistant he went along with it. She wouldn't come over to their tabel and finally their server brought him to her. She grabbed the cap, signed it, and then walked off. Total bitch.
37 of 38 | Posted by ReeseWitherspoon | Posted on April 10, 2008 3:54 PM
I'm game :)
Most Annoying Gay Guy: Tyler, god I hate him
Most Undercover Homosexual/Lesbian: Alton (I know people will think I'm crazy but I kinda get that vibe, I dunno)
Hottest Hookup (wish you were there): hmm I'm gonna say Cara and Djordjie just cause I think he's really hot
Worst Hookup (made your eyes bleed): Colie and that kid that she brought home the first time, I don't really remember his name
Hottest Male (who *really should've* won): Eric or CT but back then I think Eric was the hottest male
Most Quotable: Coral
Sluttiest: Tonya, she looks the skankiest to me
Least Bangable Male: Puck
Least Bangable Female: Colie or Heather B. from New York
Biggest Waste of Casting Space: Jose Key West lol
38 of 38 | Posted by MichyPR | Posted on April 13, 2008 5:24 PM