Sneaky sneaky MTV. Just when I was settling down for some highjinks with the wunderkinder of Twentyfourseven, I discover that instead, we're privileged to have a second brand new episode of The Real World: Denver. How exciting! Too bad the show sucked balls. No offense to Outward Bound, the Sports Authority, or the various rock formations of Colorado, but this little slice of man vs. nature lacked the triumphant joy of the first half hour's drunken shenanigans. Whither the salacious, mono-spreading hookups? Whither the trademark drunken belligerence? Whither the intellectual conversations that have become a staple of the series???
Instead, all we were stuck with was Brooke's assorted neurosis and intermittent, soft-spoken encouragement from Outward Bound leader Chris and his trusty sidekick Raleigh. Hey, there's a reason I don't watch OLN, and this is it!
This latest episode began with the gang trolling through The Sports Authority, looking for appropriate gear for their five day camping trip/training session in the woods. The exciting news of the day was that Colie had been cleared to join the gang, despite having been relegated to her Sick Couch for the past week or so. As the roomies perused the various items in the store, Stephen and Tyrie pondered whether or not they'd have to deal with many mosquitos. Similarly, Jenn was wondering whether or not there was some way she could secretly get drunk and have sex with a mosquito. Pressing issues for many.
Okay, okay -- Jenn didn't really have mosquito sex on her mind. I'm not sure what she had on her mind, quite frankly. I imagine whatever it was, it could easily be scored with some handy calliope music. Nevertheless, on the drive back home, Brooke announced that she'd need some baby wipes for her face and vagina. This then prompted Colie to predict, "My armpits are going to be really hairy by the fifth day. I'm putting that out there. And my legs and my vagina, and I don't really give a shit." Great. The only thing worse than dealing with a sick Colie is a sick and hairy Colie. Appetizing!
That night, the kids all packed up, which allowed Brooke to squawk about various shocking revelations about camping -- specifically that she wouldn't be able to look at herself for FIVE DAYS!!!! Well, at least, not in a normal sized mirror. This camping stuff is pure sadism! She then commented, "If one of us doesn't die on this trip, I'm going to be really shocked." She might be shocked. I think I'll be more disappointed.
The next morning, the group drove out to Leadville, CO, the highest city in all of the state. Upon hearing this fact, Jenn's brain promptly exploded, causing her to simply state, "That's insane. It's insane!" Yes, altitude is such a mind-blowing concept.
Anyway, the roommates soon met up with their boss, Chris, who today had brought along a trust sidekick in Raleigh. She didn't speak much, but like Holly Hunter in The Piano, her presence was impossible to ignore! Okay, maybe that's overstating it. Raleigh really didn't do much except smile and look crunchy.
I was expecting that the group would immediately bust out some trust falls and whatnot, but instead, Chris talked about New Orleans, causing Colie to pipe up with "I'm from New Orleans." Bitch, you're from New Jersey. SILENCE.
Soon, the big hike got underway, and after about five minutes, Brooke announced, "I like it so far!" Well that's great. Good to see that a five minute jaunt through the woods isn't the impossible feat Western civilization has always dreaded.
Anyway, we were treated to more and more hiking. And nature. And hiking. Yawn. It then occurred to me that this was sort of like an older version of Brat Camp. Oooh! Maybe the roommates will earn special names! Tyree would have to be Hungry Bear. Stephen -- Walking Peapod. And Jenn -- Squishy Rabbit Burrow.
Eventually, the group arrived at a high ropes course -- something that brought back fond memories of a ninth grade school trip. I'm not someone you might call "coordinated" or possessing "good balance" or "balance at all." But dammit if I didn't rock the high ropes course. I was a regular monkey up there.
Well, the roommates wouldn't be attempting the ropes course until the next day. For now, they gathered 'round the campfire and listened as Chris revealed their morning routine. They'd have to wake up at 6 AM, go on a run, do some pushups, and then go swimming. We then cut to Raleigh, who was smiling like this was quite possibly the very best day of her life. Either that or she was stoned. Maybe all of the above.

"Far out, Chris!"
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Comments (22)
At first I thought Brooke might be cool because she didn't get drunk and hook-up within the first 5 minutes of the show (and every 5 minutes after that), but now I think she's one of those neurotics that are completely exhausting to know. The kind of person you wind up sending directly to voicemail when you see their id because answering is a guaranteed 1/2 hour conversation, minimum, about their issues*.
Whereas the slutty oompa loompa has some solid entertainment value.
*For the record, I don't do this friends (I also don't have friends that whine that much without me making fun of them for it-to their face), but I do have some business associates that fit the bill.
1 of 22 | Posted by brilliantmistake
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Posted on January 3, 2007 11:25 PM
As an avid TVgasm reader who has Outward Bounded in Colorado I was really excited to see Real Worlders be put through the OB experience...what with toiletries not being allowed and all. One look at that tent and I really have to say that it is not an accurate reflection of the experience...probably because if you put a bunch the seven strangers under an 8x6 tarp between a pair of trees they would rebel and remain chaste and pure for the duration of the Real Worldin'. I just don't want my friends to watch this and think I'm a pansy for complaining about how hard my trip was for the last two years...I totally got a parasite in my leg - I promise!
2 of 22 | Posted by srsdal
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Posted on January 3, 2007 11:53 PM
anyone else notices brooke's complete and total aversion to wearing pants?
3 of 22 | Posted by bulletproofheart
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Posted on January 4, 2007 6:33 AM
B-Side.... Awesome job covering Real World. Thank you for allowing me to laugh at these people and save me the half hour of torture in having to watch the actual show. Seriously, watching this show makes me upset for the state of humanity.
I remember the good old days (seasons 1-4?....ended a bit in Miami) where there were REAL people as opposed to girls gone wild rejects and when they didn't force the cast into some pointless job to ensure the cast had to interact with one another.
4 of 22 | Posted by Devoted Satellite
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Posted on January 4, 2007 7:55 AM
WE DEMAND A RECAP OF THE EPIC MONO/GHETTO EPISODE!!
5 of 22 | Posted by Humoungous Balls
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Posted on January 4, 2007 8:48 AM
B-Side,
I'm really glad to hear you got some much deserved R&R. Don't worry about the ghetto recap, after reading TVGasm for well over a year, I can watch the episode and hear your comments in my head.
6 of 22 | Posted by Pamsey
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Posted on January 4, 2007 9:18 AM
I missed you B-side! I'm so glad you are back.
These Real World-ers are pathetic. That Brooke needs some serious help. I hate the way Jen is always talking so fast I can hardly understand what the hell she is saying especially when she is drunk which is most of the time on the show.
I'll have to go watch the after show and see what she has to say about Alex.
7 of 22 | Posted by dsher
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Posted on January 4, 2007 9:55 AM
That tent screen cap cracked me up, for some reason it reminded me of those "Heaven's Gate" people, and Chris reminded me of Marshall Applewhite.
This show would have been so much better if they were filming and doing OB now, in the middle of the blizzards. They could get stranded, starve and then eat each other - not like John ate Jenn (eeew!)- but like the Donner Party.
8 of 22 | Posted by Chee-Z-TeeVee Addict
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Posted on January 4, 2007 10:25 AM
For such a self-proclaimed "girly-girl" always worried about her looks, shouldn't Brooke, you know, like look good sometimes? I know they're in the woods now, but she's just bleh in every episode.
Also, in the famous "nail salon in the ghetto" episode, she mentions that she's still paying for her apartment...in L.A. So I'm guessing she's another struggling actress who only gigs will be on Inferno 39 when everyone else interesting has died of old age/alcohol/drug/std abuse.
9 of 22 | Posted by Steve
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Posted on January 4, 2007 11:35 AM
Is nobody else completely annoyed by Outward Bound Chris's gratingly soothing voice?! He's totally a less hyper version of Ty Pennington.
10 of 22 | Posted by KikiFabulous
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Posted on January 4, 2007 12:32 PM
Great recap as always B-Side. Good to see you back.
I personally am a Brooke fan because all the cast members are, of course, drunken idiots. I think her neuroic features are due to her parents being psychiatrists. That would make anyone crazy.
I also have talked to her and she seems she has grown since the show. I am sure we will hear it all on the Reunion Show.
11 of 22 | Posted by Junzilla
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Posted on January 4, 2007 12:58 PM
I wonder if Chris knows he is gay.
HA, EColie is totally from New Jersey. Also, her name is totally Nicole. Her mom CALLED her Nicole. She's probably one of those people who makes up their own nicknames.
12 of 22 | Posted by Tweezers
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Posted on January 4, 2007 1:46 PM
PROPS to Chee-Z-TeeVee Addic, for invoking the Applewhite name...
Brooke is only paying 4-something in rent... might she live in a ghetto??? At least mom's got her utilities covered.
13 of 22 | Posted by Tweezers
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Posted on January 4, 2007 1:51 PM
NIColie went to college in New Orleans. She is not "from" New Orleans. Everyone knows she is "from" New Jersey because she cannot hide her Jersey accent, Jersey name and Jersey-Girl look. She attended Tulane for four years. What did she lose in Katrina? Her sorority house?
14 of 22 | Posted by nursecoco
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Posted on January 4, 2007 1:58 PM
I guess it's cool that kids from New Orleans are going to be participating in OutWard bound, but don't you think they would like to, I don't know, GET THEIR HOUSES BACK? "Sorry your town got destroyed and you probably had to live in Fema Trailers for a year, but let's camp in this gnarly tent!"
Then they gotta deal with these 7 screw ups who will make this "rejuvenating expereince" totally traumatizing for them, I am sure.
Poor kids! But at the same time, i am interested to see how this whole thing will turn out for everyone involved.
15 of 22 | Posted by anniedawg25
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Posted on January 4, 2007 4:49 PM
Oh B-Side, why do you have to be so negative? Brooke succeeded... in failing.
You know, any character that's remotely likable at the beginning of this show is completely destroyed after just a few episodes. I used to like Brooke, but she's just too much of a nutcase to really tolerate.
I'm surprised Jenn wasn't going through withdrawal after the first couple of hours. Or delirium tremens. These kids are all going to hell.
16 of 22 | Posted by antebellum
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Posted on January 4, 2007 6:49 PM
This is the most messed up cast in RW history ever, in my opinion. Well, maybe just the girls are.
Colie looks like a 'tard. Sorry no offense to anyone, but seriously...the way she was walking out of the house to see their new cars was weird. She looks like someone should be wiping drool from her mouth all the time. Sorry, she looks messed up all the time and she talks like she has a hard time moving her mouth.
Jenn has problems, of course. She's drunk all the time. When she met that guy John she was dancing in front of him like she was challenging him to a dance off. I thought that was funny. She openly shows that she's a whore, she tells the guys that John performed oral sex on her. Attention whore. I'm so glad Alex said what he said to her, she deserved that. I can't believe she blames Alex for them havin sex. He didn't force her to do anything. And she says she dosen't have sex on the first date. First of all, she didn't go on a date with any of these guys but she did have sex and oral sex the first night.
Brooke is crazy, seriously. She looks irritated all the damn time. The funniest thing ever was watching her scream when she was in the cold water. I couldn't stop laughing. She was screaming before she got in the water. haha. But the girl obviously is unstable. Paula walnuts was crazy too, but she was likeable. Brooke just annoys me.
I think the guys are the most normal. They just act like typical guys. Except maybe for Stephen. He's an instigator, and he's gay. I call it. And on his little interviews he had the most girlish/babyish voice. Yeah, he annoys me soo much.
Yeah, this is the most unstable cast ever. But yet I still watch for entertainment. I can't wait when any of them join the RW/RR challenges, they are so going to be outcasted by everyone.
Sorry for the long post!
17 of 22 | Posted by jozeyg
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Posted on January 4, 2007 8:32 PM
I can't believe there was no mention of Stephen's comment, "I'm afraid that she (Brooke) might lose control and drown." Haha. Um, that water was only about waist-deep, and unless Brooke had a seizure or something, there was no way she was going to drown. I laughed my ass off at that.
I loved the Paddington Bear comment, B-Side. I laughed for days.
18 of 22 | Posted by antebellum
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Posted on January 5, 2007 3:45 PM
I think Jenn and Ripsi(from The Bad Girls club) should have their own show. That would be hilarious. Jenn would be hooking up with the pool boy on the first nite and Ripsi will come charging in beating the crap out of them. love it.
19 of 22 | Posted by jozeyg
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Posted on January 5, 2007 4:19 PM
dsher - yeah what the heck is that all about? Jenn talks to fast, it's like she's always in a race with her words or something.
jozeyg - "I think the guys are the most normal. They just act like typical guys. Except maybe for Stephen. He's an instigator, and he's gay."
Hilarious!!! My boyfriend and I thought the same thing of him. Why is he busy trying to organize Tyrie's dates and he's not trying to get at anyone one of them girls himself?
20 of 22 | Posted by cbgb
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Posted on January 5, 2007 7:05 PM
jozeyg- good idea about Ripsi and Jenn... throw in Zara and Brooke and we'd have some serious entertainment.
I'm glad Alex said something to Jenn, she was running her mouth anyway. Not like he just came out of nowhere and brought that up.
After seeing Brooke in the Outward Bound, I kind of have a soft spot for her. I think she's one of those people who isn't crazy for attention.. she's really crazy and can't help it! I give her credit, she tried really hard instead of sitting the whole thing out which is what I expected from her. She is annoying, but it's almost endearing. At least she doesn't pick fights with people or get trashed all the time.
21 of 22 | Posted by McCreamy
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Posted on January 6, 2007 9:02 AM
"I was expecting that the group would immediately bust out some trust falls and whatnot, but instead, Chris talked about New Orleans, causing Colie to pipe up with "I'm from New Orleans." Bitch, you're from New Jersey. SILENCE."
Hilarious B-side. I thought the same exact thing when Colie had that annoying grin because she thought she was somehow a victim just like these kids. Bitch
22 of 22 | Posted by djellswo
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Posted on January 8, 2007 1:23 PM