All I have to say about the Real World is it's like the Mafia. Once you're in, you can never get out.
And at the end of the day, why would you want to?
I'm not gonna lie - I've recapped four seasons of this now, and I've had just about all the earnest stupidity I can bear. And then they've got to go to DC and dump idealism into the mix? All I know is I heard an, "Our voice will be heard!" in the previews and I was out. Unfortch, my successor bailed, and I can't say no to Flippy, so I'm back. It's the Real World DC. Remember all the excitement a year ago, after we got a new President? Yeah, that kind of didn't translate to the Real World.
So, let's see who we have here. First up it's Ashley from Cali. She's the Obama Puppet. She loves Barack Obama. She wears him on a t-shirt. Change! Yes we can! Listen, I'm not down on the Pres or anything, but I haven't seen a whole lot of this oft-mentioned change yet. And I'm still definitely paying too much in taxes. She mentions casually that she was a delegate for him in the election. I don't really know what a delegate does, but I'm sure that makes her a big deal at the coffeehouse.
Honey, could you fill up my coffee?
Yes we CAN!
Ugh.
She strolls the the DC airport in an offensively dull shorts and t-shirt combo, and parks it at a little airport parapet at the top of an escalator. You know, up until quite recently, that airport didn't have a Starbucks. That was something I learned one day at 5 am, and it was a lesson that took me through the day. Me and the approximately 927 people who had to listen to me bitch about it. 5 am can't exist without Starbucks. Well, it's clear that she's waiting for someone. And that would be - well, I already forgot his name, but he looks like the poor man's Matt Damon so let's just go with that. I never learned Rihanna's real name in Cancun and that worked out just fine.
How bout dem apples?
Matt Damon is a cute but also earthy type from Colorado. He lives in the suburbs with his parents, brother and sister. That sounds very nice, except MD's twenty-two and not Middle Eastern or Italian. Ummm, what else do I have on him. Oh, works for a rental car company which he tells us is an interesting mix of "finance and marketing". We've got a real player in the rental car game here, folks.
Then we meet Andrew. This one's from Colorado too. And he's gotten all creative about it, doing an audition tape in a smoking jacket and making self-deprecating comments about "the ladies". It's funny cause he's super nerdy, get it? Genius, right? Anyway, his big claim to fame is being fired from what looks like a school newspaper for drawing cartoons that were perceived as antagonistic toward women and lesbians, but Andrew just thinks they were being overly sensitive.
Make a lesbian Mohammed cartoon. Then you'll learn all about overly sensitive.
Next up is Emily, the ex-Jesus puppet. I don't know why I'm calling them all puppets. Wait, yes I do. And I certainly don't mean to keep comparing, but the Emilee in Cancun spelled her name all crazy and shit and that's how we knew - well, that she was all crazy and shit. Regular old E-m-i-l-y is a boredom alert. And it's confirmed when she tells us her family was in cult...but they dropped out when she was thirteen. Now she "rebels" by doing stuff like getting a tiny snake tattoo.
This snake is chasing its own tail. I predict Emily will spend the season doing the same.
But Andrew's buying it. He sees her walking toward him on the riverfront, and he tells us it was like in slow-mo and she's gorgeous. They hug, and he giggles reminiscently of Leonardo DiCaprio when he played that retarded kid. Rebellious Emily tells him that she's ready to go out. "We got it goin' on!" she says, cementing her cool girl status.
I suggest this year's "practical joker" not f with Emily.
Okay, who do we have here...it's a cute blonde named Callie from Smalltown, Texas. And oh my, this one's right off the haystack. Everything in DC is new and exciting! The people! The music! The park! The park? Well, seems like back home, their park only has ducks in it. "That's it," she laments. Lame ass duck park.
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Comments (10)
Yay CB! Glad you're back for this season, even if it's under duress. Definitely off to a slow start here. Time will tell if people were just on their best behavior or if D.C. will stand for "dull city". The "coming this season" clips showed some promise. Andrew will probably either be my favorite or the one I detest the most . . I can't tell yet.
1 of 10 | Posted by JasonR | Posted on January 6, 2010 10:30 AM
Sounds like Andrew should have gone on "the pick up artist"... or wasn't bright enough for "beuty and the beast".
Fine recap ... another show I don't have to watch. (Recappers, like cops and the military, tend to be under appreciated).
2 of 10 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on January 6, 2010 11:12 AM
CB, also glad you're back.... I've been a huge fan of your RW recaps since the days of the Trasha/Parisa rivalry from Sydney, so we go back a long way! (Sad, but true, I've only kept up with this show so I can truly appreciate the brilliance of your recaps.)
This season does look boring.... almost makes me regret for hating on the resulting drama of the non-triangle of Jazzy/Skinny Pat/Rihanna from last season.
3 of 10 | Posted by slutty_whore | Posted on January 6, 2010 2:41 PM
"Listen, I'm not down on the Pres or anything, but I haven't seen a whole lot of this oft-mentioned change yet. And I'm still definitely paying too much in taxes."
LOL--I said the same thing today and I am not kidding. I am over here in England and they are obsessed with him...he is in every news show. Anyway, I was merely pointing out the fact that he's been in office for a year and what happened to all these big changes. (It was said in good fun--not trying to start a debate here)
4 of 10 | Posted by MelBell | Posted on January 6, 2010 3:49 PM
if you squint while looking at Obama puppet you get some Johanna.
this isn't a good thing.
much love CB.
p.s. i would totally wear a panda hat before i'd wear a fedora.
5 of 10 | Posted by k37744 | Posted on January 6, 2010 4:57 PM
Awesome recap as usually CB, you give me cerebral lolsy! Is it just me or do these cast members remind you of previous RW alum...case in point the bi-guy, he's basically Davis from Denver. Ty looks very similar to Alton from Vegas. The Obama puppet looks very similar to Johanna from Austin. The weird guy personality traits vaguely remind me of Chet from Brooklyn, while the Rocker chick gives off a Sarah vibe...must just be me, I guess :/
6 of 10 | Posted by lydecah89 | Posted on January 6, 2010 5:13 PM
YAWN- when does the next season begin? When you put this show up against the Jersey Shore - no contest. 2 PC 4 me.
7 of 10 | Posted by Considerthis | Posted on January 7, 2010 6:30 AM
Hi CB-
thanks for the free recap! i have a bone to pick though! i've followed your recaps in the past and usually they have a lot more wit and overall zing to them. I get that you ate at CRAFT- which is delicious! so no doubt you were full from all the deliciousness but i hope to get the old CB back and not the one that acts like there's a gun to their head forcing them to do the recap!
i agree with everyone else about the season. The people at MTV seem to think we want REAL people! lol. But that's not entertaining! People who have actual thoughts and opinions and have real backgrounds... bah. who wants to watch that? We want fake, trashy people who just want to act and be on t.v.... because then that's guaranteed drama--- like JERSEY SHORE! I don't watch reality t.v. to like people or learn anything.... i want staged fights and fakeness and ridiculousness all around!
so YAWN i say like considerthis. give us acted reality t.v. so we can watch people making fools of themselves! no one really wants the seasons to be like the original first few seasons because that means unnattractive people and arguments with depth. And lets face it, we are all shallow!
Nooooooot. Totally just kidding. I must be one of the few people that's enjoying this season. I do share CB's hatred for the liberal chick though. What a hypocrite.
But to whoever wrote that all the people are recycled i kind of totally disagree. Just because there is a bisexual guy doesn't mean he is like every other bisexual guy in the entire world. Just because you are brunette and have a tan doesn't automatically mean you are johanna. Just because you are a hot black guy doesn't mean your alton. Serrrrriously.
Anyways i love jersey shore just as much as the next person but i don't need to watch 20 different versions of it so RW is a fine break for me this season. just my two cents.
8 of 10 | Posted by hollagirl2 | Posted on January 7, 2010 11:34 AM
@hollagirl2:
I think the "recycled" comment was referring to looks, not necessarily character. To me, the people on the shows do tend to look alike. I also was thinking that OP resembled Johanna.
I think Andrew looks a little like Iraq Ryan from The Real World Brooklyn, but mostly like Jimmi Simpson who plays Liam McPoyle on It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.
By the way, I'm hating this season. I'm going to be reading recaps and not watching from here on out. Episode 2 did me in.
9 of 10 | Posted by thatswhatshesaid | Posted on January 7, 2010 9:13 PM
thatswhatshesaid, I thought the exact same thing I just couldn't remember the name of the specific McPoyle. This season seems like it'll be boring, I'll stick with Jersey Shore. Also I don't find any of the guys attractive so there's less of a reason to watch.
10 of 10 | Posted by MichyPR | Posted on January 7, 2010 10:53 PM