Bang! Bang! Bang! - 
by Umnata
Holy. Crap. What a crazy ending, huh? Although various theories were being spun over what part illegal immigrant Carlyne would play in Capt. Jerry's life (JasonR's comments last week had me totally on the citizenship/marriage boat), I don't think anyone expected that. Yes, I am shamelessly trying to drum up some support for these last few Rescue Me recaps with a little mystery and intrigue. It's not an easy show to write about, people! So I want to see my new buddies in the forums (read: my new obsession) making this comments page sing! Because besides the Capt. Jerry shocker and the intense (hence the title of this week's recap) Johnny drama (holla at you, Umnata Entourage recap readers), we had Tommy taking a few steps closer to life on the blue horizon with Sheila, Lou schtupping a nun, Franco brokering a peace treaty with Richard the Retard, and CrazyTaty putting the kibosh on Sean's dream of getting married in the house of God. Come on, how could you not want to comment on a recap (that's 5 days late) that manages to use the terms "schtupping a nun" and "Richard the Retard" within its opening paragraph?
The episode starts with one of the more random cold openings of the season. The boys answer a fire call that leaves a paraplegic (is that even the correct term? Says the guy who has now written the phrase "Richard the Retard" three times. You know, wouldn't want to offend anyone) stranded on the top floor of a building. The dude has one of those wheelchairs that moves when he breathes and speaks for him when he types. Kind of like Christopher Reeves, except not as epically sad. It's less sad mostly because this guy is kind of a dick and Christopher Reeves ruled. They realize they can't take the guy out of the chair, because he'd die, and they can't carry the chair down the stairs. Problem solved when they get a bucket truck up to the top floor and help the guy down. What's he doing living on the top floor of a walk up anyway?
When the boys return home, a fiery debate is raging on: Is Blueberry Pie a fruit? I'll give you 3 guesses as to who thinks it is - yup that's right. Sean's an idiot. Just as they are piling out of the fire truck, however, they get another call. This time they are brought to a large black woman who has somehow gotten herself stuck on iron fest. It sounds pretty random and it is, but not as random as the fact that her name is Oprah ("You think there's only one! It's a very common name!"). The guys inform her that they'll have to saw the fence apart to get her to the hospital. This elicits a great deal of swearing and name calling from Oprah ("That wasn't very Oprah-like") before she passes out after hearing the saw start a-buzzing.
Tommy finally gets back to his apartment, and finds PopaBear sitting at the kitchen table with a burnt fire extinguisher. What the hell happened, Tommy wants to know. Poor PopaBear was trying to make some eggs, things went awry and PB took out half the kitchen. Tommy has had enough: This isn't working. As Tommy starts to check out the damage in the kitchen, PopaBear chucks the fire extinguisher at Tommy, missing him and hitting the kitchen cabinet. Strong arm for a guy who is so old he couldn't figure out how to cook some eggs. If Tommy even thinks of putting PopaBear into a home, he will burn down this whole apartment, including himself and possibly Tommy. And then the show would be just like Backdraft. Lamest. Movie. Ever.
Probie comes into the dining room and asks Sean if he wants to go grab a drink or something after work. Sean says he can't because he's going out to dinner with CrazyTaty, but Probie can join them if he wants. Probie declines: "Maggie scares me... Like if she looks at me too long I might cry."
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