Franco is also there, and he's looking for some advice. He thinks he's getting submarined by a retard. "One of you got a submarine?" Lou asks Probie and Sean. Franco is pretty sure that Richard the Retard is playing the idiot card way too hard, in order to scare Franco away from dating his sister, Natalie. Lou takes this opportunity to go on a nice long tirade about Special People and their Special Needs. What's so special about their needs? And about their Olympics? However, it's Probie who is most able to shed some light on this situation, explaining that maybe Richard is just scared and threatened about Franco swooping in and taking his sister away. Lou and Franco are stunned by Probie's smart, insightful take on the situation. "He speaks retard."

CrazyTaty is hungry. Quick! Hide your infants! Sean doesn't really notice because he's too busy loving walking around with his lady, window shopping, like his parents did when they were courting? Courting? I have to agree with CrazyT on this one: who even uses that expression anymore? They stop in front of a Tux shop, causing Sean to get all misty eyed about being in a tux one day soon to cement his unholy alliance with the spawn of Satan. CrazyTaty informs Sean that he won't be marrying her in a monkey suit, which starts to make Sean think they aren't exactly on the same page; CrazyTaty doesn't even think they're in the same book. Well, Sean is reading: Richard the Retard's Guide to Being a Functionally Mentally Handicapped and CrazyTaty is rereading the Tatum O'Neal autobiography I'm One Crazy Bitch. Sean backs down; he doesn't care what he's wearing as long as they can take their vows in the eyes of God. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. A church? Do you know what happens to CrazyTaty once she enters the lord's crib? Spontaneous combustion. She hates churches, ever since her father took her there when she was a child, chopped off all her hair and looked for the 666 on the back of her skull. CrazyTaty and church are like Paris Hilton and not being a skank: they just don't mix. But Sean won't back down this time: He loves her, in letters 8 miles high (aww), but this is a deal breaker. Finally, CrazyTaty gives Sean something (besides HPV), and agrees to the whole church thing.

We next get to see the tail end of Capt. Jerry's date with Carlyne, his wife's younger, blacker, illegal immigrant-ier Nurse. She is feeding Capt. Jerry, and somehow I am the one getting nauseas. I like Capt. Jerry and all, but don't need to see or think of him in any kind of sexual encounter (unless it's with Ellis Grey, because Old People are sweet). Carlyne wants to take things to the next level, but Capt. Jerry declines. He might kill himself for it later, but he'll have to take a rain check.

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Comments (25)

Desirela Author Profile Page:

Umnata, I would be honored to leave your first comment. I don't know anyone who watches Rescue Me and I was dying to discuss this episode. That Carlyne lady is such a bitch! She couldn't just call 911 and then run out of the house?! I was practicaly yelling at my TV. Capt Jerry getting it on made me gag, but I digress. Tommy freaking out because of the nun was totally ridiculous for the exact reasons you mentioned. I also agreed with your "Tommy's commute" comments from a previous post. Can't wait for this week's show!!!

anatasiabeaverhousen Author Profile Page:

Umnata, thank you so much for recapping this show. It is one of the best on television! I have watched all 3 seasons and have loved every one. I can't wait to see what happens this week!!

hrhhappiness Author Profile Page:

Umnata, I don't even watch Rescue Me, but I read the enjoyable recaps! LOVED the Caddyshack reference. *golf claps*

brilliantmistake Author Profile Page:

"I want to see my new buddies in the forums (read: my new obsession) making this comments page sing!"

Hey- I'm not your trained monkey.

That being said, I sincerely hope that Capt. Jerry buys it. In fact, during the sex (gag) scene, I was musing how he possibly was both the least attractive and least likeable character on the show. Like an answer to my prayers, he keeled over.

JennCho Author Profile Page:

LMGDAO! That Buffy reference KILLED me! (I was going to say "Slayed me" but Im not quite THAT lame)

I don't have the stomach to watch this show anymore, but love the recaps!

ScotyUtah Author Profile Page:

I think the tragedy that is Tommy's life will continue. I think his brother is going to be the one to kick the bucket. That was some serious lead he took in the back.

Gotta love the Uncle Red and PopaBear union. That gives one less thing for Tommy to worry about so maybe he'll pull his head out of his ass with regards to dealing with Sheila.

unwise Author Profile Page:

I liked when Carlyne compared Capt. Jerry's attractiveness to that of a garden gnome.

B-Side Author Profile Page:

I don't watch Rescue Me, but how could I ignore such a heartfelt plea for comments?

minkprisoner Author Profile Page:

Thks for the recap Umnata. What about that great visual joke when they were rescuing Oprah and they all held her up and Tommy said its like Iwo Jima all over again? That would probably have been funnier if the marketing for the movie had already kicked in...
Johnny getting shot really came out of nowhere for me. Can't wait for next week. Hope Tommy realises Shelia is a crazy man rapist. I hope Taty stays though I love watching her try and deliver her lines without looking totally high/crazy... and failing

Tony A. Author Profile Page:

Umnata, I'm a faithful watcher and reader. In fact, last year I asked that "Rescue Me" be recapped and was told that the show was so snarky, TVG didn't see a way to add to the mayhem. Well, glad to see you found the way.

Both Johnny and CJ die. No way can Johnny survive three rounds THROUGH the chest, the way those wounds were shown. He's at least 5 minutes from having an EMS show up and it better be a mobile trauma unit, 'cuz he needs major help.

CJ's collapse can be attributed to the unprescribed Viagra. They're not kidding when they tell you to check with your doctor before you use it or similar products.

Tommy's train wreck of a life could be stabilized by Sweet Sheila, the only one that truly loves him. She's a little crazy, but not as much as the other women in his life. The problem is that if they get the house and move away he'd be far from his kids and that will never happen. That's probably why they're going to kill off Johnny and get Tommy and Janet back together, which of course will precipitate another crisis in Sheila's life, complete with a possible shooting of Tommy.

They're setting up Poppa Bear because Charles Durning's age. The show knows that they may need to kill the character if the old man retires or dies, so...

Uncle Teddy and Franco are two unnecessary characters. Franco in particular is annoying and whiny in spite of his macho posinturing. And it still bugs me that the writers have seemingly let go of the daughter's plot line. What, Susan Sarandon found another gig, finally?

Probie and Sean? Amusing fillers, but the producers and writers are stretching some of these ridiculous premises way far in order to make it to the end of the season and keep us waiting for some closure next season.

So, keep up the good work. I'll keep looking for your recaps every week.

JasonR Author Profile Page:

Umnata,
Thanks for the shout-out, in paragraph #1, no less! Even though it turns out I was completely wrong about everyone's favorite Jamacian nurses' aide.

I don't find Capt. Jerry that disagreeable a character. He depicts the real old-school element of the FDNY. He is flawed but a decent guy. He never figured out how to deal with having a gay son, but has remained devoted to his sick wife's well being. He manages the nutjobs of Ladder 62 as best he can. I remember him giving a particularly effective defense of his crew on a TV news interview when they were accused of blowing off a 911 call involving a black person when they came across an overturned school bus full of white kids (and one Egyptian).

I would be surprised if the writers kill off Johnny. If they do, the tragedies they keep heaping on Tommy will be reaching ridiculous "Andy Sipowicz" or Job levels. I think they may be looking to reconcile the the brothers Gavin. The weird thing about the Tommy-Johnny-Janet triangle is that while Tommy hates his brother for taking up with his wife (they're not even divorced yet, are they?), he is so disgusted with himself he probably on some level knows she (deserves better than him (as does Sheila).

TonyA, uncle Teddy, Sean and the other goofballs serve a critical function on this show. Even Shakespeare's greatest tragedies had comic relief. Even going back to season one, when Uncle Teddy moved in with Tommy and took up with a gay midget with a talent for playing the ponies and became a plus-size male model, he has been good for laughs. However, I will agree the prison storyline has really been milked for all its worth. I predict next season he either gets out on bail or goes to trial and is outright acquitted. Without the comic relief, this show would be too depressing to watch. It is the combination of comedy and tragedy that makes this one of the best shows on TV.

That Iwo Jima joke had me laughing out loud.

Is tomorrow the finale or do we have one more week? Love this show.

msCCRN Author Profile Page:

This IS a difficult show to recap, thanks Umnata. Random thoughts:
Enough with the Probiethinksheisgay storyline (not that there's anything wrong with it). Can we hear about:
Instead of shopping at Barneys, going to Home Depot?
Buying face cream, trying a new deodorant?
Getting a pedicure, getting a haircut?
Getting his ass waxed, uh there just is no equivalent for that...

I think Capt. Jerry will buy the farm. There is too much potential with the Tommy, Janet, Johnny triangle. The father of Janet's child is still unknown. If Johnny is gonna survive that chest trauma he is going to need a lot of blood products. This opens the door for blood typing-DNA discussions....do you see where I'm going with this?

I agree that Sean, CrazyTaty, Uncle Teddy etc provide relief from the misery that is Tommy Gavin's life. Although, watching Uncle Teddy and Capt. Jerry having sex makes me want to reach for an anti-emetic.

Poor Sheila. I think she is going to be on the beach by herself.

umnata Author Profile Page:

wowser! the comments are reaching - dare i say it - EPIC proportions. I mean, even B-Side stopped in for a second. msCCRN - GOOD CATCH on this whole blood transfusion thing - i like it, i like it A LOT. then again that's what i said about JasonR's Capt. Jerry/Carlyne immigrant wedding theory last week. I'm just a full-on bandwagon jumper. I think the CApt. will bite it, because it will be shocking, but not so tragic that anyone will say enough is enough. Sad to die of Viagra OD though. Also, it's got to be him. Although, JOhnny got a few slugs to the chest. Help is on the way. Who is coming for Capt. Jerry? No one will realize anything's wrong for a few days of him not showing up to work at least. Ellis Grey is out of the picture, his wife doesn't even know she's his wife, and we're more likely to see his son over at Probie's...

PS - Next week is the season's penultimate epsiode. the season finale is scheduled for August 29th.

I have to say that I completely missed the Iwo Jima joke. I'm still on my painfully accurate Henry Gale + Gollum = Uncle Red thing. Yikes.

MODULUS Author Profile Page:

I agree that Chief Jerry is the front runner to kick it though he'd probably hang on till the season finale. It would sad though cause I've always liked the Cheif; he's always seemed like a stand up guy. Not to mention the actor who plays him, Jack McGee, was an actual NYFD firefighter before becoming an actor.

I want to believe that Janet is preggo with Tommys baby but that just seems to easy for show like RM. I think its just as likely that the baby is Jonny's but he'll die and leave Tommy and Janet to raise his son. That seams more Rescue Me style to me.

Oh and vote Leary at the Emmys.

umnata Author Profile Page:

the more i think about it the more i think MODULUS is right about Johnny dying and Janet & Tommy raising the baby. gross.

hollaELpino Author Profile Page:

Great recap umnata. On an emmy note, Denis Leary is totally gonna win this year. As amazing Keifer Sutherland was this season, Denis Leary is just phenominal. Oh, and Chief Jerry dies, then TOMMY takes over the firehouse. And then Johnny's going into a coma. i'm calling it right now

Cody M. Author Profile Page:

Hey, unmata, great recap (as all the other ones have been, too). My first post here, I had to get in on the action with my current favorite show. I'm also thinking it's gonna be Capt. Jerry that bites it, but, as always, we'll have to wait and see. Janet looked pretty distraught in the preview, but that could have just been her reaction to the "Johnny got shot" news. Somebody dies, because a sheet gets pulled over someone.


The scene with Franco and Richard was great.


"Can my brother get some g***mn nuts for his sundae?"


"Wow, man, you're crazy."


Anyway, I'm pumped for tomorrow night, and I have no freakin' idea where the hell it's all gonna go with the finale next week.

Supermodel Author Profile Page:

My first post here, but I just had to answer that impassioned plea for comments.

I agree that I'd rather see Captain Jerry die. His storyline isn't really going anywhere, and Johnny still has a lot of potential. However, the writers have made some serious missteps in the last few weeks and I could see them taking the easy way out with the season cliffhanger. If Johnny dies, Tommy would likely be the prime suspect in his murder, leaving the viewers with Tommy's arrest hanging over us during hiatus.

Yeah, it replicates last season's finale, and it's lame, but so are the Uncle Teddy, Is-Probie-Gay? and Where's Keela? storylines.

sweetleaf Author Profile Page:

Great recap.... Intense show.
I don't think capt. Jerry is really dead, so he can recover and go after eartha kitt, then she really will loose her job!
Johnny dying would be stretching the whole tommys miserable life angle, but hey, when everyone in the family is a cop or firefighter, that kind of shit happens.
I am so sick of the probie gay thing, THATS retarded.

Great recap. Great show. It's got to be the funniest drama on tv. And Denis Leary is a genius. He creates a character for himself that gets to have sex scenes with lots of hot chicks. He does have serious issues with the Catholic church, though.

I agree with other posters who predict PoppaBear's demise. Most of his scenes this season have been short and sitting down. He's looking a lot older/weaker this season than last.

wandernview Author Profile Page:

Great episode and recap but what's with killing someone off near the 11th or 12th episode every season here? Season 1 it was his mother, last season his son, now this season it's up in the air but still a death. Shoot I'll call it right now for next season if there won't be a 5th, Tommy bites it in episode 12 and they wrap the show up in 13.

umnata Author Profile Page:

whoa. what is this? the latest episode of big brother? rock on ladder 62... rock on...

TaxGirl Author Profile Page:

Umnata - great recap.

I hope Tommy isn't expecting his security deposit back on that apartment. With Sheila's baseball bat rampage and PapaBear's "campfires", that kitchen is a mess!

This show needs all the comic relief it can get. I say leave all the prison conjugal vists and sexually confused probie story lines. I do miss Franco's kid, though. I thought he was growing up. Maybe once he gets the nice girl (w/ RTR) he will bring the daughter back into his life.

I wonder if the filming that took place near your mother's home is what tells you that someone will die (I don't watch previews - IMO they either give away too much or mislead: neither of which I like).

I don't like Johnny and it would be OK with me if he died. More complexity with Tommy and Janet and Sheila and the mouthy kids.

BTW: In the forums, someone suggested that you stick with FX and recap Nip/Tuck when Rescue Me is done. Great idea! Gross surgery shots, soap opera plots and lots and lots of sex!

oldbird Author Profile Page:

I love your recaps! I don't know anyone my age who watches this show. I love this show and Lost and I even admit to watching Nip/Tuck. Do you recap Deadwood, that would be awesome. THANKS

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