MTV has posted a bunch of details on Road Rules Season 13, to be referred to from now on as Road Rules: X-Treme. The show promises us many exciting challenges for our new cast in Chile and Argentina. You can tell things are going to get wild because "extreme" is misspelled. We also have a really diverse cast - the producers were able to find 3 men and 3 women. The season shapes up to be one worth plenty of TVgasm commentary and begins on June 7th.

Just when you thought it was safe to tune into MTV on Mondays at 10 PM, Bunim/Murray has thrown another pile of steaming, uh, hormones onto our laps. No, it's not the latest Coral/Veronica/Trishelle/Miz circus, but another shiny new installment of Road Rules, this time called "Xtreme". At first I thought this might be some cross promotional tool with a razor or deodorant or Mountain Dew product. But then I remembered that this was Road Rules, which in its old age, has resorted to desperately grandiose titles to still sound relevant. It's sort of like when you meet a guy over fifty who has a pierced ear. You know, like Harrison Ford.

Road Rules X-Treme is so awesome. These folks are like unbelievable, and their stunts were SOOOO scary. This is like nothing we have never seen before, and will be the best real world ever.

Now that you picked yourself up off the floor from laughing so hard at the first paragraph, I will give you a little time to compose yourself before reading the rest of my impressions of the 13th installment in Bunim-Murray's Road Rules franchise.

In tonight's Very Special episode of Road Rules, we learned - again - that in the Bunim/Murray world, the homophobe and the gay guy can live together, nay, sleep in the same bed together, nay, rappel down a waterfall together, and still build an amazingly superficial friendship. Yay precarious truces! Yes, tonight was the official We're Here, We're Queer, and We're In Your RV episode of Road Rules: X-Treme, and just in time for Pride Week in West Hollywood. It's all well and good, but maybe we should stop by Alcoholics Anonymous en route to the parade on Santa Monica Boulevard.

I wonder if Alaskans realize how lucky they are. Today was the longest day of the year, and for Anchorage residents, this means almost twenty four hours of daylight. I'm sure people spent the whole day drinking outside at festivals or fly-fishing at midnight. Surely, they were not at home watching TV. Otherwise, they may have stumbled upon the tired Bunim/Murray machine creaking through the motions with another edition of Road Rules X-Treme. With only two episodes under the belt, we've already covered well-worn Bunim/Murray territory such as a bungee jump, a rappelling challenge, and a homophobia dilemma. Tonight's installment tackled two more MTV cliches: public nudity and the hometown honey. Doubling up again on the formula? Wow, this is X-Treme! Yeah!!!

The boot is back. After last week's quiet respite from dry heaves and buckets, the Road Rules vomitorium returned in full gloppy force in the latest edition of Road Rules X-Treme. Unlike previous episodes which featured drunken Danny and Derrick spewing forth like mighty geysers of alcohol and shame, tonight's installment featured a group effort of communal splatter. I guess it was to be expected. During the past few years, Bunim/Murray has become the it production team for capturing all sorts of dramatic barfing, and tonight was an exceptional presentation of their well-honed skills. It was like porn for gastroenterologists, with money shots coming one after another. And leave it up to Bunim/Murray to tack on some lame romantic angle to this mess: boy meets girl; boy and girl throw up; boy and girl sort of like each other more. It's a classic story!

Question of the day: Who is this "fabulous" doppleganger of Chris Graebe from Road Rules: South Pacific? He calls himself Paulie, and according to Friendster, he's from Little Rock, went to University of Arkansas, and is gay. On the other hand, Chris, according to The Internet Movie Database, is from Indiana, went to U of I for college, and is straight. So clearly these are two different guys.

But wait. Both Chris and Paulie are the same age, both live in Los Angeles now, both are aspiring actors/singers, both have a love for their faith, and oh yeah, they share the same genes. The photos never lie...

Maybe these two are long lost twins. Maybe Chris is leading a double life. Or maybe his friends pulled a vicious prank. Either way, TVgasm is not in the business of slandering people, even the most minor of reality stars; so we encourage you to check it out for yourself and draw your own conclusions:

Paulie's Friendster Profile
Chris Graebe's Bio from IMDB.com
Chris's MTV Bio

It's official. Mark July 5th, 2004 on your calendars. That was the day that MTV aired quite possibly the most retarded episode of Road Rules EVER. Yes, this dilapidated franchise has come close to reaching new lows of silliness, but until last night, nothing has ever eclipsed 1999's Semester At Sea season when Pua protested an elephant painting challenge, and MTV was kind enough to zoom in on the pachyderm's tearing eye. That's right. Bunim/Murray tried to have us believe that the elephant was actually crying over having to paint, and because of that brief moment of lunacy coupled with the cast's moronic mission protest, that episode ranked as the most idiotic of all Road Rules installments, until last night.

Shock of shocks. Bunim/Murray got their act together and pulled off a surprisingly good (relatively speaking) episode of Road Rules. Not only did we get a new and unique challenge, but the kids kept their idiotic chatter to a minimum. Plus we were even treated to that most serious of ceremonies: the hallowed voting off of a cast member, and in tonight's case, that meant Danny. Who would have thunk it?

In case you were having doubts about Danny's longterm prospects on the show, Bunim/Murray was quick to bolster your suspicions early in last night's episode. While the rest of the campers happily commented on the beautiful Chilean countryside, Danny noted that he finally feels accepted by the team and that he really thinks he's contributing now. Now, there's a certain logic to all Road Rules shows. Whatever a character says in the beginning of an episode will be disproved by the end. If someone says that he's worried about his place in the team, he will be indispensable in that episode's challenge. If someone thinks someone else is annoying, everything will be water under the bridge by the ending credits. And of course, if someone is blabbing about how secure he or she feels within the team, chances are that person will face a major betrayal. It's simple Bunim/Murray logic, people.

The times, they are a-changin'. Only a few episodes into the new season of Road Rules: X-Treme, and it's already time for a regime change. After pouty nausea victim Danny got the boot last week, it was time to welcome a new member into the Road Rules family: Nick. Hailing from Blandsville, USA, Nick is a fan of vanilla and saltines. Actually, I shouldn't come down so harshly on the guy. He hardly had a chance to let his personality out of the bag due to the cast members' chilly reception, which kept him firmly uncomfortable and unwelcome. Ah, the backward social dynamics of reality television never cease to amaze.

Tonight, on the opening night of the Democratic Convention, while countless networks devoted airtime to the political arena, MTV opted to offer its own ode to the democratic process: Road Rules: X-Treme. Yes, after failing another mission, the tight clan of travelers had to vote one of their own off, but who would get the boot this time? Would it be Derrick, whose strengths in homophobia don't always equate to challenge victory? Would it be Patrick, whose Ben Affleck appearance spells impending doom? Would it be Ibis, whose rapidly expanding waistline threatens to take down the team? Would it be Kina, whose illegal tree drawing compromised the dignity of the RV? Or would it be Jodi, whose goofy faces and public displays of affection bring an unwanted touch of Andy Dick to the proceedings? The only one safe was Nick, the new kid on the block that everyone seems to avoid like the plague. The drama was killing me, and because Tivo chopped off the final two minutes - AGAIN - I really don't know what happened. And guess what? I sort of don't care.

If you're like me, you spent the past week in a state of anxiety - perpetually wondering which brave soul, which dedicated teammate, which selfless martyr would go home on last night's episode of Road Rules X-Treme. And by state of anxiety, I mean not caring at all. Yes, a few years ago the Road Rules producers added the Survivor touch of forcing a teammate out if two missions were failed. It was an interesting addition, but these days, the twist really only serves to further pad the stable of attention-seeking Bunim/Murray stars who clamor for another shot at the big time with the Real World/Road Rules Challenge. Personally I think these people should take a cue from Smarty Jones and go out to stud. Except instead of breeding, they should just... go away.

Memo to attack dogs of the world: you won't have Ibis to toss around anymore. In what has become a now weekly ritual of purging the team of some cancerous member, the plucky kids on Road Rules: X-Treme sent weepy Ibis to the curb. It was a surprise decision, considering that for the entire episode, all anyone could do was talk about voting off Nick, but in the end, it was Ibis who sacrificed herself to the Road Rules graveyard. What a champ.

There's been something missing from this season of Road Rules. Lack of creativity? No, we've gotten used to that. No brilliant thinkers? Eh, that's not it either. What could it be? Oh yes. Female cattiness. Until tonight, the women of Road Rules X-Treme have been all too chummy with only a brief anti-Jodi segment to add some artificial drama. Well, we can throw that all out the window because "mature" Angela has arrived. So goodbye ignorant Ibis and Kina and your misguided "honesty" and "friendliness". It's time for transparent snap judgments and character assassination - Angela style!

If there ever was a need to study dumb girl logic, tonight's episode of Road Rules X-Treme should be preserved. Bunim/Murray managed to capture all the explanations and rationalizations a girl can come up with to mask her transparent jealousy of another female peer. In this case, Angela - whose neck is still being held hostage by a big, blue flower - detailed every silly, petty flaw she could find in Jillian and used it to build a feeble case for the newbie's character assassination. At first I thought Angela was right - after all, she did say she was mature and everything; so therefore I just assumed that her observations would be well stated and free of middle school playground influences. But then I came to realize that when Angela said she was mature, she meant immature, which made a lot more sense because there was no way any rational, thoughtful, or introspective adult would ever make the comments she was making.

Just in case we didn't think this season of Road Rules: X-Treme was lame enough, the good people at Bunim/Murray decided to double our pleasure by bringing back a host of familiar but amazingly unwelcomed faces to the proceedings. Dave, Chris, Abram, Mary Beth, Cara, and Tina from Road Rules: South Pacific returned for an intense X-Treme reunion that played out like a trip to a country fair. Yes, it was that most beloved of Road Rules traditions: the two-episode battle with the previous season. Where else can we find out what our latest Bunim/Murray superstars are up to? I'm sorry, let me rephrase that. Where else can we reaffirm our disdain for the Bunim/Murray superstars? Okay, okay, it's not that hard to reaffirm the disdain -- half these people spend the greater part of the year rehashing their fights and stagnating their maturation process on the Real World/Road Rules Challenge. I just still don't understand why the producers reintroduce past Road Rulers as if we the audience have been waiting on pins and needles all year long for this moment. Oh how I pine for the moment when I can hear Tina's sweet boar voice shattering mirrors throughout my apartment!

Watching tonight's episode of Road Rules: X-Treme made me think that television might just be a better place if more washed-up reality stars beat the shit out of each other every week. Imagine it. Coral vs. Omarosa. Rupert Boneham vs. Boston Rob. The Miz vs. Evan Marriot (that's Joe Millionaire, in case you forgot). The possibilities are endless.

The thought dawned upon me while watching Angela and Tina punch the bejesus out of each other during the climactic event on Face Off Island. You see, tonight's episode served as Part 2 of the fascinating battle between Road Rules: X-Treme and Road Rules: South Pacific. Savvy viewers might remember that when we last left this electrifying showdown, the new cast had a comfy lead over the pros, which is baffling since half the older kids had kept their skills sharp by performing similarly inane tasks on various Real World/Road Rules Challenges. Still, despite being behind, the older kids had one last shot to reclaim their dignity during a wild and chaotic boxing showdown. Needless to say, blood was shed.

For those of you who missed tonight's episode of Road Rules: X-Treme or for those of you who have even missed the entire season, I can say that you certainly missed out on some campy fun. Our favorite group of adventure seekers put their X-Treme talent to good use by going to Stunt School and filming three embarrassing vignettes. Jodi was the only one of this group (or pretty much all of the modern Bunim/Murray stable) to admit that she had no talent for acting - a confession which I found amazingly refreshing. Angela, meanwhile, was quick to mention her extensive acting training and experience - which of course was unapparent during her performance as a drug dealer.

Oh, but what fun is it to sit and write a lengthy commentary about the same old things this week. Why don't we all sit back, grab some popcorn, and enjoy all three videos?

The TVgasm Road Rules Film Festival begins after the jump.

I really have nothing left ot say about Road Rules: X-Treme. I should never have established a pattern of writing weekly columns about it because frankly, I've run out of material. Yes, every week provides a new episode and opportunities to bash these people, but after about the fourteenth new castmate and sixty-fourth high altitude challenge, I just don't know what to comment on. OKay, maybe I'm being a little melodramatic. After all, there were some nuggets in this penultimate episode of the season. We had Patrick getting drunk and trying to load up his PA cannon (that's Passive Aggressive, in case you're new to my lingo), we had an intense medical box cliffhanger, and we had just general neediness from the Jillian camp. So I guess I do have some new areas to complain about. Yay!

Stick a fork in Road Rules. It's done.

No, not the season - although that ended tonight also. This franchise. It's over. Kaput. Bunim/Murray has run this once interesting series into the ground with bland personalities, lame challenges, and just generally predictable storylines. Granted, the show must have some sort of appeal because I stuck with it all summer, but I think that might be due to tradition and the intense need to mock stupid people behind their backs. And while these are compelling reasons to watch any show, Road Rules has become so flat that even MTV must realize it's time to put it out to pasture.

Of course, the only reason why MTV keeps Road Rules around at this point is to fuel the ever growing fire of pathetic-ness that is The Real World/Road Rules Challenge. Without Road Rules, the Challenge becomes obsolete, but is that a sacrifice we're willing to make? Uh, not sure. Ask me again in about 15 weeks. In the meantime, let's fondly remember the final episode of this X-Tremely lame season.

Ever wonder what happened to Angela after her stints on Road Rules and Battle of the Sexes 2? Well, if you turned on HBO this weekend, you might have found her on Entourage prancing around topless. Okay, the nudity was far off in the background, but it was still Angela. I feel kind of bad for Entourage. It thinks it's all cool with cameos from James Cameron and Peter Dinklage, but then it has to sully up all its hipster cred by casting a low-rent Bunim/Murray star (who's not even from The Real World). For shame...

A topless screencap of Angela after the jump...

Road Rules: Viewer's Revenge premieres tomorrow, Tuesday, January 30th at 9 PM EST, but MTV has been airing a casting special all week, so let's take a look at what we've got.

Its like an interactive reality show, while you vote in or out your Road Rulers, We're voting in or our your Road Rule Recappers. . .. Your comments either keep him or dump him. What do you think of potential new TVgasm writer Hit_Em_Upton? -MYL

By. Hit_Em_Upton

Well we continue off from last week with the challenge to see who gets back in the RV. As you may remember, Adam voted himself in last week. So who did America vote to face Adam? Our little Kayne West Jr., Monte. I'm guessing if this is anything even remotely physical, Adam will be back on the RV, because let's face it, Monte doesn't look good at anything except dancing. If it's a dance off, smart bet is on Monte, and Road Rules losing all credibility.

But, alas, the game is called Balls Out (damn, no dance off) and our contestants have one ankle tied to another inside a ring with walls about 2 feet high. There are 20 blue balls (must....resist....joke) and 20 yellow balls inside the perimeter of the ring. The object is for each player to get their colored ball into their basket which sat right outside the ring. They have 2 minutes to sink as many balls of their own color as possible.

Well guys we have another week of Road Rules and another action packed episode! OK maybe I am just kidding, but I need a hook to get more people to read! I did want to mention that, like other new writers, I am looking for some constructive criticism. What do you like, what don't you like, too long, too short, I should never write a recap again? Anything at all! I'm all ears.

Enough of the small talk, lets get to the episode! If you will remember from last week, Shane volunteered himself into the pit while Angel got voted in. That's where we kick off this weeks episode, Shane and Angel in the Pit.

Who will they go up against? Looks like David and Susie. I guess this is falling right in to Susie's big plan! Maybe she isn't so dumb after all. Now if she could just come up with a plan not to look so pale all the time

I have teeny tiny legs

I'm not even going to bother. .
. . it's insultingly easy to caption this

Since Dan volunteered himself into the Pit last week, we see him pitted against Derek. Derek is the new member of the Pit Crew, replacing Abe who went bat shit crazy a few weeks back.

Once we see Dan and Derek in the Pit, Drew gives us the low down on the Pit challenge. It turns out to be the same challenge that sparked the whole Angel/Kina throw down. Since this challenge was basically made to have two people hitting each other, this could get interesting with a Marine who has just been pseudo dumped by his crush (Tori) and a new guy trying to make a name for himself (Derek).

Let me just start off by saying thank you to those who read my columns. This week was painfully boring, but I enjoy reading your comments, keep 'em comin!

As usual we start with the Pit challenge this week. If you'll flash back to last week, you'd remember that David got voted in to the Pit. He wanted to make that clear to all of us that he didn't volunteer himself, he got voted in. You say potato I say who gives a F? Well, who did America vote in to face David? Shane of course. Somehow I feel like Jerry, Monte, Ivory and Kristen (who?) will never get their fair shake. Personally, I want to see Tori, Kina, Angel and Veronica on the RV at the same time, I mean that is just oozing with potential. To the jump!

Well for the first time in a while, this episode was actually slightly entertaining! The reason being, you get to see everyone hurt themselves which is inherently funny. Last week Derek volunteered himself in to the Pit and America voted him to go up against Dan. Shocker! Dan comes out and says how he has a vendetta against Tori and Susie and wants to get back on the RV because everyone is against him. Derek looks a little nervous and tells us that he has everything to lose while Dan has everything to gain. I don't quite follow that last statement. Whoever wins gets a spot on the RV, whoever loses goes back to the Pit Crew. So how does Derek have everything to lose? Did MTV say they were going to take away his spot on the show, his house, car, credit cards, family, girlfriend, pets, clothes, food and money? If so, THAT is everything to lose.

We find out the Pit Challenge is called Grip Breaker. This is the same challenge from a few weeks ago that got Angel onto the RV. The two opponents lie on their backs, head to head, while holding a rope in the air. The object is to wrestle the rope away from the other person. Whoever comes out holding the rope wins their way to the RV.

This week's Road Rules was unlike any other! People acting completely stupid and illogical, catty fights over nothing, and Road Ruler's being so childish you want to punch them in the face! Oh, wait, never mind, that is the recipe for every single episode. It was your weekly ho-hum episode except MTV started to really expose how much of an asshole Adam is.

We start off with Derek and Susie in the Pit challenge. Since they lost the Extreme Challenge last week, both of them got voted in. They were matched up against Dan and Veronica. Sorry Monte, Jerry, Ivory and Kristen, your .3 seconds of fame are cooked, even with 3 weeks to go.

Tell me if you have heard this before. David gets voted in to the Pit. David wins the Pit. David performs well in the mission. David gets douched over and gets voted BACK in the Pit. Sound familiar? If you have indeed heard that before, then you can just go read one of L Con's recaps because you already know what happens here. I hate to ruin it so soon for you, but that is exactly what happened this week. You could've pretty much taken out the last 5 weeks worth of episodes and been at the exact same place that we are at today. Thanks MTV.

I feel ya. Ive fallen asleep a ton of times this season too.

To start us off, we join David in the Pit challenge. Guess who he gets voted to go up against?! Dan of course! This time the challenge is called Shockwave. Each player stands on a tiny box and they while holding a rope between them. The object is to either break the other persons grip, or make them fall off their box.

When the competition first starts, Dan is going crazy trying to shake the rope as much as possible. David is trying to absorb the rope swingage with his body, but the rope keeps hitting his ugly mug. Right now I am just thinking that Dan is going to tire out super fast and then David will steak his claim. But Dan actually catches David a little of guard and David lets go with his left hand. Oh no is David going to lose? Well, he somehow manages to still gain control of the rope again and right as you think David might get knocked off, we cut to the kids on the RV! Drama!

Winning make big boy hungry!

We join David in the Pit this week after his melt down from last week when everyone voted him in. His competitor is none other than Dan! Thank God, I haven't seen Dan lose a Pit challenge in almost a week. The challenge was called Balls Out. This is the one where they are tied back to back inside a ring. Inside the ring there are playground balls of two different colors and the object is to sink as many balls of your own color in a basket outside the ring as you can.

As you can imagine, wherever David decided to go in the ring, Dan followed. Not because he wanted to, but because the gravitational force around David's stomach was just uncontrollable. David decided that the best offense was a good defense and kept tackling Dan to the ground as soon as he shot. Dan says he is definitely a better shooter and "this is definitely my chance" back on the RV. I guess the other 18 tries weren't really his chance. All of a sudden Dan is up 3-1 and there aren't many balls left!! I know...riveting television here, to the jump!

After the commercial break we join the RV'ers en route to pick up the challenge winner. Everyone pretty much agrees that they want David back on the RV. I guess his tear jerking exit last week really struck a nerve. Who is standing by the side of the road? David! Yayyyy. Everyone seems to be happy, which doesn't really make sense since they've disliked him all season. On the replay of the challenge we see that David basically took Dan to his side of the ring and was doing lay ups in to his basket while Dan could only sit there and try for long distance shots. Blah blah blah, David ended up winning 4-3.

Well boys and girls, we've reached the end of this long, seemingly endless road. The season finale is finally upon us! Let's get right to the action. Tori and Adam kick off the episode in the Pit since they volunteered/voted themselves in last week. But wait...why is everyone from the RV in the Pit area? Uh-oh, me thinks we are in for a surprise!!

Nice hair tool. I hate you.