Just when you thought it was safe to tune into MTV on Mondays at 10 PM, Bunim/Murray has thrown another pile of steaming, uh, hormones onto our laps. No, it's not the latest Coral/Veronica/Trishelle/Miz circus, but another shiny new installment of Road Rules, this time called "Xtreme". At first I thought this might be some cross promotional tool with a razor or deodorant or Mountain Dew product. But then I remembered that this was Road Rules, which in its old age, has resorted to desperately grandiose titles to still sound relevant. It's sort of like when you meet a guy over fifty who has a pierced ear. You know, like Harrison Ford.
We first meet our latest batch of Road Rulers in South America. We're introduced to Patrick who doubles as not only this season's All American Boy but the resident Ben Affleck doppleganger. He's plopped in the middle of nowhere with Jodi. The two of them are just so damn happy because they hate complaining and are up for anything. We'll see how long that lasts. It's become a strange, self-referential ritual of late where new cast members of The Real World and Road Rules all consult each other to find out which roles they'll be playing. First, there's the usual check to see who will complain and be psycho. No one ever admits to that, but true colors tend to emerge with self-deprecating remarks like "Oh, I'm the neat one. I'm so anal. That's the only thing." Everyone shares a good laugh, and then stores away the mental note "Bitch".
The self-classification pauses for a moment as an oxen-drawn buggy comes to whisk Patrick and Jodi off. Then we meet Danny and Ibis. She's Latina. He's gay. And in another stellar display of self-perception distortion, both claim to be very down to earth. We'll see how long that charade lasts.
Stop three on the oxen express takes us to Kina and Derrick. She's a Jersey Girl, and he's a Chicago native. Derrick also mentions that he's a hundred percent Polish and proud of it. He also sports an outdated turn of the millennium hairstyle, and I bet he's proud of that too. As Derrick strolls onto camera, I start to wonder if he might just be one part Polish, ten parts douchebag.
With the whole group assembled, they all congratulate themselves on being cool and awesome. Derrick adds how it's especially great that there are no faggots on board. Woops! Closeup on Danny looking uncomfortable. Another classic Bunim/Murray tradition. Nothing like the casual gay slur in front of the gay cast member. As they say in South America: idiosa!
The super six finally arrive at their huge RV which features one big bed in the back and an odd little puzzle thing on the dashboard. The cast also receives T-Mobile phones, but Catherine Zeta-Jones is curiously absent for this promotional opportunity. As Patrick takes the driver's seat and steers the RV towards the first mission, the cast yet again starts assigning roles. This time the subject is sexual orientation. Ibis notes that usually there's a gay or lesbian person in the RV. Someone then comments how no one appears gay. Finally, after this open environment fails to lure anyone out of the closet, the group does a mini "I'm not gay" roll call which comes to a screeching halt when Danny announces that he in fact has a boyfriend. The gals squeal with delight. Ibis bubbles that she now has a shopping partner, not to be stereotypical or anything. Everyone says they're cool with it, except for Lech Walesa in the corner. Gulp. Derrick expresses his squeamishness with homosexuals by assuming a bent over position in front of Danny's midsection. Hey, whatever's clever.
The six bestest friends ever finally reach their mission mayors who are two perky individuals who may very well have been plucked from MTV South America. Everyone hands over their personal items and learns that with every successful mission, the team will earn an Xtreme Key to the Xtreme Machine, which houses the handsome reward. Xtreme Machine? Come on MTV. What sort of retarded scheme is this? It's clearly an Xtreme Safe, not a machine.
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Comments (5)
OMG!
that is the FUNNIEST thing i have read in a long time.
of course, i have only been reading the united states uniform commercial code article nine and three over the past week, so maybe thats why.
1 of 5 | Posted by jash | Posted on June 8, 2004 6:47 AM
One of the strangest things about this cast is they are even worse at making the rote memorization of the lines MTV forces them to recite than usual. Jodi looks into the camera, screws her eyebrows up in concentration and slowly utters "We each get to do an extreme mission. Then we get an extreme key. It goes to the extreme machine. I'm extremely nervous and extremely excited to jump into this extremely hot lava filled volcano......did I get it right?"
All in all, it was like watching freshman orientation, only they took the overzealous annoying kid from each DOC trip and put them all on one floor. (and if you don't know what that means, I'll jettison you over the volcano).
2 of 5 | Posted by Leah3t | Posted on June 8, 2004 8:39 PM
Can "jettison you over the volcano" be the successor catchphrase to "Voted off the island"?
3 of 5 | Posted by b-side | Posted on June 8, 2004 11:14 PM
i have only been reading the united states uniform commercial code article nine and three over the past week
The UCC sucks.
Road Rules XTREME isn't much better. There's no risk. MTV will never not give them the handsome reward (i.e., a Saturn). Never. Hasn't happened yet and isn't going to. Wouldn't you just love to see these chumps lose, though? Schadenfreude, indeed.
4 of 5 | Posted by d-money | Posted on June 9, 2004 8:50 PM
Gracis
5 of 5 | Posted by Jimmie | Posted on November 4, 2004 2:42 PM