TVgasm Recaps

**Note from the Editor: We promised you we'd search high and low to find some of the funniest, most original writers around to fill your Summer with 'gasms, and we weren't BSing you. Please give a nice, warm welcome to our newest staff writer, the featherheaded, jelly shoe wearing GirlBomb!!

Need I say more?

Well, I don't know about the rest of you, but I've been dying to see this trashfest from the word go. I know I took forever to do this recap, so I'm not wasting any time on the fancy intros. I'm just gonna take a shot and dive right into the dumpster we call Rock of Love!

So far, Rock of Love has been every bit as trashtastic as I had hoped it would be. It's like The Bachelor's unemployed, druggie little brother. You know, the one with the '84 Trans Am who hangs out behind the 7-11 that you shamelessly want to date. If you want to call drinking beer in the woods behind the high school he never graduated from a date, that is. I'm about to sink into the backseat of that beat up old hunk o' junk for a dirty, dirty time with Episode 2. Care to join me? Don't worry. This show is definitely into threesomes.

Welcome back to Rock Of Love! I was a little worried for this week's installment, given the vacuum of trash left by Clown Whore, but the other skanks did their best to pitch in and fill the void. Annoying Brandi started us off early last week, with the revelation (and when I say revelation, I mean carefully timed press leak from the VH1 publicity department) that she has an internet sex video. I have read the gossip sites calling her an internet porn "star", and I'm sure in her sad little world she is, but I'm not buying it. Put a video of yourself having a threesome on the internet, OF COURSE people are gonna watch it. The line between horny exhibitionist and porn star ...oh wait, hold on a second, hadn't really thought that one through. Regardless. Brandi C., you whored it up for a webcam. I am not impressed.

Watch out, Julia Roberts!

Alright chicklets, I'm back. Maybe someday we'll find Brokedown Rodeo - The Lost Recap, but for now all we need to know is that Grandma Rodeo is gone and I don't want to talk about it. I'm trying to be strong, so I'll shed one final tear onto my cowboy hat shaped pasties and move on to later that night. Welcome back to (why God?) Rock of Love!

Welcome back to Rock of Love! Last week saw the departure of Hooters Erin and her shiny circus boobs. We also saw what appeared to be the departure of Bret's mojo. Last week's ho toast didn't look like it would be followed with a wild party, but tomorrow is a new day so let's start there.

When did Jean Smart move in? And what the hell happened to her?

Sorry dolls, I know this Rock of Love is way overdue, but ChickBomb became Aunt ChickBomb this week and it's hard to find time for recap writing with this full schedule of staring at the most adorable baby in the world. Everyone puking? Great, then let's get started.

Well, this week was a little traumatic for me and Rock of Love. If you read last week's comments, you know that we've got a Badass Brandi crisis on our hands. She's done some very sleazy porn pictures that are floating around cyberspace. There are two sets, equally dirty. One set looks OK. Nasty, but at least she looks cute. In the other set, Badass looks like shit. She's got extra weight, her hair is stringy and she's got dead eyes. What was she on?

Now, I can live with sleazy porn pictures. I am under no illusions about the ROL skank's lack of self-respect and class. It's the cracked out, bloated look that I have a problem with. You're still my girl, Badass, and I'm not breaking up with you...yet. But get it together. If you must whore it out on the internet, at least look cute doing it.

Fug Shot

Hey dolls, welcome back to another week of Rock of Love! We're down to the final four skanks, can you believe it? Seems like just yesterday when we were watching Grandma Rodeo (sob) rubbing herself while she performed on the pole with Annoying Brandi C. So let's step into our six inch high stripper heels and see what skankalicious adventures Bret and the hos are embarking on this week, shall we

Don't Forget the Lyrics, Ho! Thursdays on Fox!

Hello gorgeous dolls, we're back for the second to last episode of Rock Of Love! I've been very busy this week patting myself on the back for picking such a trashtastic show to recap, and getting ready to mourn next week when it's all over. We're down to Flasher, Lacey and One S Jes. One S is a lock. Flasher's my new girl. And then there's Psycho Herpes Rocker Lacey. Can she hustle Bret for another week? Let's do a little dumpster dive and see...

Best foot forward.

So dolls, are the programmers at VH1 the biggest teases ever or what? No Rock of Love finale, no reunion show....no, this week all we got was a damn clip show. Way to stretch out the franchise. And what a gyp!

Ouch. This flashback hurts.

Hello fab dolls, this is it - the final Rock of Love! What a rad and excellent trip in a dirty old tour bus! But it's the last stop. If you haven't read our Awards Show recap yet, then you don't know that we met Flasher the other night, she was very cool and she really loves Bret. But I've been on her side for weeks now anyway. And I had a chat with Brandi C.'s Sidekick Kristia, who viewed the finale with Flasher, and filled me in on some behind the scenes gossip as well. So put your hands together one last time...for Rock Of Love!

Congrats. This is your prize.

Alright dolls, this is our last recap together for a while, so I hope it totally rocks! In preparation for writing this, Flippy and I tried really hard to get to the taping of this thing. Well, not really hard, but efforts were made. So if I promise we sort of did our best, will you drop your panties for me one more time? Cause this is the Rock of Love Reunion!

How'd this one get away?

Alright dolls, this is it - Rock of Love 2! Does anyone else love the logo with the double swords through the heart? Clever! The big news at first is Bret's got new hair! He's traded in the straggly mess he borrowed from Ashlee Simpson, and now he's got smooth, silky locks that he stole from Barbie. He's pretty. So, who's ready to rock?

Rock Out With Your Cock Out Barbie

Well, ChickBomb was a naughty, naughty girl this week. That may work in Bret's world, but in the 'Gasm, it's not cool. No excuses, let's just strap into our assless, leopard print chaps and dive into this week's - well, last week's - installment of the classiest hour on TV, Rock Of Love!

When did Suzanne Somers get her own show?

Hello dolls, and welcome back to Rock of Love! This week's installment was a big improvement over last. We had ho drama and some roller derby action. Free skate, everybody!

Where my hos at?

Hi dolls! Everyone keep rockin' over our break? Well, Rock of Love is back and more infected than ever. Shall we?

I am Cross-Eyed Soccer Mom, and I have come back from the fifties to warn you about herpes.

Welcome back to another week of Rock of Love. I think we're in a slump. All these hos do is whine and cry. No one's puking in the hot tub, nobody's fighting, and the stripper pole has three layers of dust on it. But tonight is the Mudbowl, when these hos have a real opportunity to get dirty and naked and bring this show back to life! So let's see what happens.

Take that fire as a hint and toss those boots, Granny.

Welcome back to Rock of Love! This week, it's the return of one of my all time favorite hos, Grandma Rodeo! And I'm sure some unfortunate choices in western wear. Slap on your airbrushed cowboy hats dolls, and get ready to rock and ride...

Come on, Rode Hard, beauty sleep won't help you this late in the game.

Welcome back to Rock of Love! This week, we get patriotic, there's a big fight and I change horses. Wait, I never really had a horse here. I'm still waiting for the second coming of Flasher. But I do change my mind about one of the hos. Pour a shot (or nine) and come along...

Glad to see Sally Jesse Raphael hasn't given up on us.

Hello gorgeous dolls, and welcome back to Rock of Love! Where the hell did it go last week? I have no idea. Must have been some kind of hangover. Anyway, this is the episode when things finally start to get good! In honor of that, I have had Talk Dirty To Me repeating on my iPod for the whole time it took me to write this recap. Go ahead, judge away, but twenty years later and I think it still kind of rocks. And I can sing the hell out of it karaoke-style. Are we ready? CC, pick up that guitar, and talk to me!

What do you wanna bet Oprah will be endorsing this guy's book within the next week?

Welcome back to Rock Of Love! You all know what's happening this week - that's right, it's the return of everyone's favorite reality ho, Flasher Heather! I will waste not one moment more on some lame intro when there's fabulous, glittery stripper gowns in our future. Slap on some cheap makeup and let's get reunited!

You've never looked cheaper. I mean that as a compliment.

Hey dolls, welcome back to Rock of Love! Flasher's back, so you know it's a good week. Make your hair big and suck it in for some spandex, it's time to rock and roll!

Somewhere, a child's birthday party is missing clowns.

Welcome back to the second to last week of Rock of Love! This week is the meet the parents episode. I doubt anyone could beat trashy fabulousness of the Family Flash, or the level of psychotic achieved by the herpes ridden Family Psycho, but I'm game to find out.

I've never seen anyone so creative with the waddle tuck as Cross Eyed Soccer Mom.

Hello dolls, and welcome to the season finale of Rock of Love! We're down to our final two hos - Cross Eyed Soccer Mom Ambre and Muppet Daisy. This season's been a slow ride, but tonight looks like one big, messy, make-up smeared drama. Grab your spare bottle of Aqua Net and off we go!

Back to the felt factory.

Dolls, it's back and we have a lot of skank to cover so I'm not wasting time on the intro. As a very wise man on acid once said, "Either you're on the bus, or you're off the bus." So slather yourself with some body glitter and hop on - this is the Rock of Love Bus!

Featuring a whole new cast of crotch bugs.

Hello dolls and welcome back onboard my new favorite mode of transport, the Rock of Love Bus!

Cry Porn

Hey dolls, welcome aboard! The first thing I have to say today is that the Rock of Love Bus theme song is really growing on me. "Please, let me in-tro-duce myself, get my back stage pass, ride my li-mou-sine..." Well, that's the only line I know but I've been kind of humming it all day. Besides, Talk Dirty to Me is getting lonely in my iPod. I have officially gone to a weird place with this whole Bret Michaels thing, but you know what, I don't care. If reality television is a boring button down and jeans combo, then the Rock of Love Bus is the sparkly, silver cowboy hat on its head.

Who will be Big John's leftovers tonight?

Hello dolls and welcome back aboard the Rock of Love Bus. Packed your crotchless panties? Great, let's go!

That's the prize for winning the entire show. Pick something else.

Welcome back to the Rock of Love Bus! There's no doubt about the life lessons learned from Rock of Love, and this week we learn a big one about dressing trashy that I was happily able to apply to my own life.

Man I wish I brought a book.
Me too.

Welcome back to the Rock of Love Bus! It's time for Bret's favorite challenge, Mudbowl. Unfortunately, I'm not much of a fan or football or mud, so I'm focusing on Bret's private jet concert date, which just might go down in dating show history as the best date ever. Flash me something for a backstage pass and I'll let you read all about it...

Welcome back onboard the Rock of Love Bus! Got your pasties and tube socks? Sounds crazy, but trust me, it's the perfect ensemble for tonight's installment. This was one of the best Rock of Loves ever.

Top Heif

Welcome back to the only way to traverse every state fair ground east of the Mississippi, the Rock Of Love Bus! This week, we have a challenge, a drunken night out, a spicy bitchfight, a solo date and more! We have a lot to get to. No time for panties. You don't need them where we're going.

And now a story about Sonic the Hedgehog...

I've been away. Get naked and let me make it up to you with the tale of last week's Rock of Love Bus...

This show used to be so classy!

Welcome back onboard the Rock of Love Bus! Let me Clorox the bus for you sweeties, and then we're back on the road!

Fix those shorts. Wouldn't wanna look like a slut or anything.

Another morning in Orlando on the Rock of Love Bus! Do I miss Boring Butch Beverly? I can't decide. Then I have to listen to Deluded Ho Janie's daily deluded rant about how it's really for real and she's "getting ready to fall for Bret" and remember that even Boring Butch had a better shot than this ho and I want her back. But in the meantime, we're going to Miami!

Sexiest. City. EVAH!

Welcome to the last stop on the Rock of Love Bus! I miss my hos already, but I'm not gonna get in a funk over it. I'm gonna wear smokey eyes and stripper shoes and report the shocking, shocking, news that Bret Michaels chose a Penthouse Pet over an insecure farmgirl! Drunk, naked and ready? You're so not getting on this bus unless you are.

You guys are fascinating, really. I just have to finish up this text...

Welcome to the Rock of Love Bus Reunion Show! It's a leopard printed hello from 80's hair metal's favorite almost-been, Rikki Rachtman! He gives us a brief history Rock of Love, consisting mostly of Soccer Mom Ambre, and then it's time to catch up with the hos!

Long live Fred Flinstone!