But he's worried that she's driven "my Ashley away from me", so now he tends to that situation. Poor Juliet Lewis has eye make-up streaked everywhere and chips in her hair. "She's on my bus. I have to be protected," she sobs to Bret. Bret assures her that he will make sure Brazil is "chilled out". Unless BJ's got a straitjacket hidden in Bret's wardrobe trunk, I really don't see how he plans on making this happen.
Chips. Beer. Her head is turning into an Applebee's.
And then it's time for Bret to put on his Mike Brady bandana and give all the hos their lesson for the day. He doesn't need them to like each other, but they cannot physically lay hands on each other. Well, not for choking anyway. And with that, he reminds them of eliminations that night, and he's out. "He was mad," Brazil notices, tempering her insanity with just a tiny bit of intuitiveness. She's worried she might be going home.
As for the others, Mindy worries that she was a name with no personality. I'd be concerned if I were her too, cause I have no idea who the hell she is and I'm actually paying attention. Brittanya, with the zebra bra and the tats, says she isn't too worried, because with all the drama Bret didn't really get to talk to anyone, so she's guessing he'll probably go on looks. Finally, after two seasons a smart ho! Plus she dressed for success. I like this one too. Gia too is certain she's staying. "He can't break up the Blonde-tourage," she explains simply.
Bret enters eliminations decked out in his new uniform of jeans, a blazer and a button down. His only accessory is a sad little bandana. I'm heartbroken. But onto the elimination. There are twenty hos, and for five of them, the tour literally ends here. He scares them with a speech about the absolute urgency of moving from city to city on time. Calm down, dude, it's a state fair tour. You're not curing cancer. And then he calls some names: Marci, Heather, Stephanie, Gia, Lady DJ Nikki, Brittaney and Marcia. Penthouse Taya is getting concerned. "I keep hear hot mess name, after hot mess name after hot mess name," she complains. I'm nervous too, but also confused. Marci, Heather and Stephanie are no surprise, they didn't even talk to him, Brazil might be a murderer, but Gia and DJ Lady? They can't be going home. For the sake of the recaps, this can not be happening.
I'm sorry. Did I forget to mention this part?
And for the other thirteen, well they've rocked Bret's world! They're in! But I'm wondering, is he eliminating all seven hos remaining? He doesn't say, cause you know Bret loves to drag out the elimination. He reminds them how beautiful they all are and how much he hates doing it but at the end of it, a ho's got to go.
Gia is shocked that half of the Blonde-tourage is left standing. DJ Lady just sways back and forth in her Butterface Megan-esque red swimsuit. She's nervous or wasted or both. At one point, she literally falls to the floor. Brazil says she's disappointed. Dull Heather points out that she and Nurse Stephanie are the only normal ones there. That's why you're gone, honey.
Take a load off, crazy.
Finally Bret spills that he's got two passes left. And then he talks to the hos. Nurse Stephanie and Marci didn't speak to him the entire time, and he sounds downright pissed about it. Seriously, how do you go on this show and not know that your key to success is chasing him around and telling him how much you love his music? Dull Heather he thinks is beautiful, but he doesn't think she's prepared for the insanity and that's a problem.
Gia's a fun party girl, but he's not sure if he can take her home to meet Grandma. He tells Brittaney Porn he thinks she has an "amazing soul" - can Bret work a ho or what? - but she's done a lot of adult entertaining. He says he can't fault her for quality work, but he's just not sure about her. Porn breaks down into near hysterical sobs and begs him not to hold her past against her. He doesn't even bother addressing DJ Lady. Normally he's savvy enough to keep a mess like this around at least a few rounds, but I think he knew from the word herpes that this one had to go.
But it was six day..mon...years ago! WAH!
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Comments (37)
I have found the holy grail of trashy reality television. It is called "Rock of Love, Season 3."
My 50 year-old mother and I watched the premiere together. See? It's a sleaze fest for the whole family! After last season's bore fest too, this season is already a HUGE improvement. Brett's barbie hair, his idea that a woman shows interest in a man by taking her shirt off on their first meeting, "I need a girl that can hang," and ChickBomb recapping. All points to AWESOME.
1 of 37 | Posted by Tigermilk | Posted on January 8, 2009 3:08 AM
I missed the premiere, but it sounds skanktastic. Hopefully VH1 will replay it (every day until the end of time).
I love how the didn't even try to pretend with the "real" girls this time. They went straight for the worn out strippers. It's too bad Flasher Heather is an A-lister now, this would have been her year.
2 of 37 | Posted by DrJerkass | Posted on January 8, 2009 4:46 AM
This show is loaded with recapper's gold. I've been waiting for this recap and you did not disappoint! Nikki looks like a cross between Daisy and Frenchy from last season. I died at Brazil's confession about choking Trashly. YOU DON'T WASTE ALCHOL LIKE THAT EVER!! I guess throwing it up is okay. Note to self: No more twatshots!! Even Bret has some standards!!!
3 of 37 | Posted by featherhead | Posted on January 8, 2009 5:04 AM
I re-played it about four times and Gia was up on the bar sans underwear and DJ Lady Tribe Nikki decided to slip the test tube shot up Gia's hoohah and take the shot that way.
If you can skeeve out the seemingly unskeevable Brett Michaels you are really definitely a new breed of ho!
4 of 37 | Posted by shan_evans | Posted on January 8, 2009 5:13 AM
OK, I can't even take the ridiculous-ness that is ROL, but I'm back... and as far as Natasha being a token, it's no different than Flavor Flav having a white girl on his show. He just masked it by having more than 1 per season.
5 of 37 | Posted by slutty_whore | Posted on January 8, 2009 7:07 AM
Gawd, DJ Lady makes Frenchy look absolutely feminine and ladylike...that is pretty damn sad.
6 of 37 | Posted by wintersux | Posted on January 8, 2009 7:19 AM
I spent almost the entire show trying to figure out who Juliette Lewis' voice reminded me of....finally figured it out....Napolian Dynomite's brother. So funny!
7 of 37 | Posted by casey | Posted on January 8, 2009 10:09 AM
Hmm, bet you Juliet Lewis is going the regret singing that song...the Brazilian chick is nuts--and awesomely beautiful. She's going to be around for a while.
But as much as Bret claims to love the party girls, I don't buy it -- he looks awfully damned tired to me, and what he really wants is a calm, older (but still ferociously hot) gal to drink tea with after band practice.
In other words, it's either the Penthouse Pet or the "Grandma" Model (um, she's probably, what, 35?)
I had to take a shower after watching this show. Though I'm looking forward to seeing Gia and DJ Lady on I Love Money 3.
8 of 37 | Posted by itchy | Posted on January 8, 2009 10:34 AM
I'm so in love with this show I can't even stand it. My only disappointment so far came from the preview for the rest of the season--not looking forward to the "keep bret's baby safe" hockey game with that retard Lacey. She can't compete with this season's hos--they're in a league of their own, and I hope whoever did casting for this season gets a big bonus.
I'm so sad that Gia and DJ got eliminated. My favorite of the remaining girls is Marcia. Who doesn't love a crazy drunk? I'm also charmed by the fact that she called the others "skahnky" girls and is teaching the VH1 viewing audience Portuguese. Now if I ever go to Brazil I'll know how to say the word for lady parts. Neat.
9 of 37 | Posted by blanketessa | Posted on January 8, 2009 10:38 AM
Ahhhhhhh, ChickBoooooomb! LOVED this recap, and I must say I'm a little jealous... I thought *I* had all the best skanks over on MY show, but yours totally tops it (and how is it that VH1 wound up with a trashier show than MTV?) but you are sooooo perfectly nailing them all to the bathroom wall, I LOVE you for it! Welcome back!
love, J-Mo :)
(a.k.a. ChickGay)
P.S. Perhaps the "Shot At Love" skanks of today become the "Rock Of Love" skanks of tomorrow! BINGO!!!
10 of 37 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on January 8, 2009 11:49 AM
Skankeriffic! Lucky dog. This bunch out-skanks the previous seasons and the other network's attempts to put together a gaggle of whores. What exactly is the term for a group of skanks? A Score? Patch? Puddle? Sniff?
11 of 37 | Posted by shantigal | Posted on January 8, 2009 12:01 PM
thank god chickbomb is back and recapping this tv acceptable orgy! oh how we've missed you and the hysterical recaps...
if only nikki would have stayed!
12 of 37 | Posted by xim34 | Posted on January 8, 2009 1:42 PM
See, I figure the gods at VH1 have been reading Tvgasm and have come to answer our prayers.
Next up: Skanks of Love. 100% skankerific, 100% skankerocious. Guaranteed.
And J-Mo, don't feel so bad...the twins were kind enough to give you your bukkake moment.
13 of 37 | Posted by itchy | Posted on January 8, 2009 2:06 PM
Aw, J-Mo, don't feel bad: the twins gave you a great bukkake moment, after all.
I'm still trying to get that image out of my brain.
14 of 37 | Posted by itchy | Posted on January 8, 2009 2:18 PM
The whole crotch shot thing was tv gold! lol I had figured out that Gia was already on the bar baring her vajayjay, but I hadn't considered that DJ had slipped the test tube in there. For some reason, I thought she had poured the shot in there and then slurped it out. Either way... gross.
Did you notice during the concert when they were showing all of the girl/girl action that Juliette Lewis barried her nose (or face) in Gia's privates? And Gia was licking the tops of DJs thighs too. These girls give a whole new meaning to the word skanky. (or skahnky as Marcia would say)
15 of 37 | Posted by Snootchy Bootches | Posted on January 8, 2009 2:27 PM
Erm.. barried=buried. I blame Marcia for causing me to lapse into phonetic spelling brain. :p
16 of 37 | Posted by Snootchy Bootches | Posted on January 8, 2009 2:30 PM
shantigal, BWAH! Can we please make it a sniff of skanks? That would so make my week. My year has already been made by this show coming back. It manages to bother entertain me and make me feel better about my own life.
17 of 37 | Posted by skylarkfreedom | Posted on January 8, 2009 6:20 PM
'Sniff' might be too tame for this bunch. That might apply to the species that populate the Bachelor.
How about: a snatch of skanks?
18 of 37 | Posted by itchy | Posted on January 9, 2009 12:39 AM
OH! Snatch of Skanks for sure...
19 of 37 | Posted by shan_evans | Posted on January 9, 2009 3:08 AM
Bwahahahahaha! A snatch of skanks!! Itchy, I know that you already know this.. but I luv you.
20 of 37 | Posted by Snootchy Bootches | Posted on January 9, 2009 5:09 AM
itchy:
I knew someone would coin just the right term. Brilliant!!
21 of 37 | Posted by shantigal | Posted on January 9, 2009 7:36 AM
Aw shucks, people...I'm blushing...
22 of 37 | Posted by itchy | Posted on January 9, 2009 8:50 AM
Does anyone else think DJ is the love child of Destiny and Frenchy? :)
23 of 37 | Posted by pappy44 | Posted on January 9, 2009 8:51 AM
I get drunk and watch the Shamwow commercial over and over too! I really want one. Does anyone know if they really work?
I also completely agree with the Daisy/Frenchi love child. As soon as I saw DJ Lady that was my immediate thought!
24 of 37 | Posted by flowie623 | Posted on January 9, 2009 9:38 AM
did anyone else feel like this episode was similar to the first week of american idol? when american idol shows a bunch of freaky, horrible singers just to proved the audience with laughs. for the show to be legitimate none of these singers can stick around, but they can have their brief 15 minutes of fame. just enough to proved some yucks. when i was watching nikki, the red swimsuit wonder, this thought was just running through my head. it was a complete and total set up.
also the words of chickbomb were running through my head the whole show, but no more so than when the shanks were dancing on stage. and i saw a bunch of the girls dancing with each other and then when nikki went to dance with another band member. my first thought was the ego isn't going to like this. and then i thought oh my, she doesn't know who brett michaels is, that is the wrong person.
thanks for coming back to recap this. it makes me happy!
25 of 37 | Posted by reckless_saturn_11 | Posted on January 9, 2009 11:22 AM
Reckless, I dunno if it was a setup... after all, there is very little difference between Daisy from last season and Nikki from this season. Fake lips, hair and boobs. Can't understand what she is saying. Drunk and skank.
And while I am on the topic of Daisy, I have to admit that I don't think I can bring myself to watch her spinoff. I mean, I disliked New York in a way that was entertaining and I watched all of her spinoffs, but Daisy isn't fun to watch. She is just... ugh.
26 of 37 | Posted by Snootchy Bootches | Posted on January 9, 2009 12:38 PM
Ah, reckless, of course it's all a setup -- the ROL people were probably so scared shitless that they'd have another boring season like ROL2, they went a wee bit overboard on stacking the deck...the DJ skank could barely stand up what with all the 'legal' drugs she must have taken.
And of course if she and Gia hadn't been there, the world would have been deprived of the invention of the 'vag-shot'....can't wait to see that defined in Wikipedia!
I agree on the Daisy call: she was barely articulate on ROL, and rather pathetic really. I just don't see her being interesting at all. I mean, that weird quivering thing she did is only entertaining for so long... Still, just imagining they type of meathead who'd WANT to be on her show is going to make me want to watch it...just can't help myself. A skank's a skank...
hmm...so what's the masculine word for skank anyway?
27 of 37 | Posted by itchy | Posted on January 9, 2009 1:26 PM
How about the word "man?" After all, would you guys ever really turn anyone down? I kid. I kid. :p
28 of 37 | Posted by Snootchy Bootches | Posted on January 9, 2009 1:31 PM
Another slut-tastic season of ROL -- YAY! Great recap, dollface!
Apart from the Brazilian chick being a clone of the Russian Tank Ina and several of the skanks channelling some sort of ghastly experiment-gone-wrong involving Daisy+Frenchy, it looks like a promising and suitably trashy tour.
And yeah, I just couldn't believe my eyes every time yet another chick showed up with blonde hair and basketball-sized boobs.
Damn!
29 of 37 | Posted by Donna Martin Graduates! | Posted on January 9, 2009 2:30 PM
wait, The Ego "spends three hundred days out of the year on the road, rockin' and rollin' and partyin'" -- so how come he's so hoarse after a single gig?!
30 of 37 | Posted by Donna Martin Graduates! | Posted on January 9, 2009 3:03 PM
"On the road" isn't the same thing as performing... according to his web site, his 'tour' consists of 15 dates at a bunch of backwater casinos and fairgrounds.
Which has to be kind of sad for him, considering the arena crowds he used to play in front of.
I almost feel sorry for him. [sniff].
31 of 37 | Posted by itchy | Posted on January 9, 2009 3:50 PM
I heard gia on a radio station and she said the scene between her and hot mess, nikki was just edited to make it look like something it wasn't. although her explanation of what really happened didn't make much sense. something about nikki dropping the shot on her face and then gia licked it off. who knows? I have the link for the podcast if anyone wants to hear it?? the guys interviewing her know her. from when she worked for them.
32 of 37 | Posted by reckless_Saturn_11 | Posted on January 9, 2009 5:25 PM
If Gia said that, I'd have to call bullshit on it. After all we have at least 3 girls AND Bret mentioning that private parts were involved. Marcia even went so far as to teach us the name for the body part in Portuguese! :p
33 of 37 | Posted by Snootchy Bootches | Posted on January 10, 2009 12:28 AM
Ok woooow. I thought I was gonna get away from this season but you reeled me back in. For a change, I'm actually watching the show (while reading your recap).
Nikki is Daisy part deux. And I agree with your pick for the season. Go (fake)Heather!
Why are they making the hos put their own luggage in the bus? That's hella cheap.
Token black chick is a man.
34 of 37 | Posted by BlahBlah | Posted on January 10, 2009 10:27 PM
Chickbomb you ROCK!! Excellent work.
I thought this episode was a freak fest of skanks. It seems that they should probably come out with a new word for these women.
And the Gia and Niki shot thing? Please they even grossed out the other skanks!! That's something that we haven't seen since the girl on Flavor of Love shit her pants after eliminations.....
I wonder how long it will be before the bus drivers quit.
35 of 37 | Posted by AnneM | Posted on January 10, 2009 11:37 PM
Is anyone else as sad as I am that this will be the "last" season of ROL?
Can we please please have a Big John of Love?
"Will you stay in this house with me, and make big love?"
36 of 37 | Posted by xim34 | Posted on January 14, 2009 12:45 PM
Just wanted to clarify--I am from Louisville and I know what Brett was in town for and it wasn't the State Fair...it was "LRS Fest" a big concert put on every year by our big "new rock" radio station...obviously MUCH classier than the State Fair...
37 of 37 | Posted by kygirl93 | Posted on January 20, 2009 8:48 AM