Then it's time to talk about who's on what bus. My favorite, Farrah, stakes out the pink bus because pink is her signature color. We learn that all the crazy girls have gravitated to the pink bus, and the blue bus girls are already talking shit. "That's a bus I wouldn't even fall asleep on," sniffs Penthouse Taya. Yeah, it's just not as clean as that bedsheet that all the Penthouse Pets splay their business out on during their photo shoots. Listen honey, you worry about the drunken flashing, and leave the snarking to me, okay?
But enough of the boring bus, over on the pink bus, Marcia Brazil is making a rule about not putting toilet paper in the toilet so it doesn't clog. I've been on busses before (I have a Greyhound story that I someday hope get far enough past the trauma to tell) and the rule isn't toilet paper, dumbass, it's poop. Juliet Lewis Ashley decides she doesn't like the toilet paper edict either, or maybe she just doesn't like Marcia, so she grabs a guitar and sings a little tune about how Marcia looks like a beaver.
And the beaver song is the catalyst for our first Rock of Love Bus fight! Oh wait, our second. I forgot about Token and DJ Lady and the fake Louis Vuitton. It's all so much, I'm already losing track. Anyhow, Marcia tells us that she's Brazilian, and therefore does not put up with any crap. She makes it sound like it's the official motto of Brazil, like it's printed on their flag or something.
It was bound to smell like bar rot in there eventually.
Sooooo, Brazil pours a drink on Juliet Lewis's head, one of the other blonde hos tells Juliet Lewis not to feel bad and then kisses her weave, Princess Melissa starts making ugly faces and carrying on about how she wants to go home because she can't take all the fake bitches, and adorable Kelsey laments that this is who she has to live with. Just your average afternoon on the bus.
It's like she just read the newspaper for the first time ever.
Over on the blue bus, they are literally singing Kumbaya, lead by Boring Beverly, who's definitely giving off a butch vibe. Nurse Stephanie tells us that they're all getting along so well, they start wondering if they should start a fight. Um, yes. Either that or an orgy. These hos need to earn their place both on Bret's bus, and my television.
Both busses arrive at the venue, and before I know what's happened, there's Big John on stage asking the crowd if they're ready, and then out comes Bret! He wades through the sea of hos onto the stage, and they're right behind him. "This is what it's all about," Bret tells us knowingly, "This is rock and roll and I want to see if they can handle life in my world." Kelsey notices the way Bret plays to the screaming fans and comments, "Oh, this is why everyone loves Bret Michaels!" Now it occurs to her? She's young though, she may have thought it was Rock of Love with the Jonas Brothers.
I don't know the song Bret's singing, he's really pushing this solo thing though. The crowd seems to love it, and so do the hos, who are getting down on stage with him. DJ Lady likes it so much, she rips off her cheap bustier and starts prancing the stage like it's the DJ Lady show. "I had so much fun, I forgot about Bret singing," she admits cluelessly. Obviously, the Ego is not happy about this. "Everyone who knows me knows I have eyes in the back of my head," he warns. This is Bret's show honey, you're just temporarily infecting it.
Me love you Breck!
But then something fun happens when Gia and Farrah start making out! "Basically swapping diseases," hisses Token Natasha. What's it to you, mean girl? Isn't she the aspiring madam? I would think girl on girl would be a top seller. Farrah cheerfully tells us that she thinks when she gets drunk she becomes a lesbian. She usually doesn't remember it, but if she doesn't remember it, than it didn't happen. What a great philosophy! We should all consider becoming blackout drunks.
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Comments (37)
I have found the holy grail of trashy reality television. It is called "Rock of Love, Season 3."
My 50 year-old mother and I watched the premiere together. See? It's a sleaze fest for the whole family! After last season's bore fest too, this season is already a HUGE improvement. Brett's barbie hair, his idea that a woman shows interest in a man by taking her shirt off on their first meeting, "I need a girl that can hang," and ChickBomb recapping. All points to AWESOME.
1 of 37 | Posted by Tigermilk | Posted on January 8, 2009 3:08 AM
I missed the premiere, but it sounds skanktastic. Hopefully VH1 will replay it (every day until the end of time).
I love how the didn't even try to pretend with the "real" girls this time. They went straight for the worn out strippers. It's too bad Flasher Heather is an A-lister now, this would have been her year.
2 of 37 | Posted by DrJerkass | Posted on January 8, 2009 4:46 AM
This show is loaded with recapper's gold. I've been waiting for this recap and you did not disappoint! Nikki looks like a cross between Daisy and Frenchy from last season. I died at Brazil's confession about choking Trashly. YOU DON'T WASTE ALCHOL LIKE THAT EVER!! I guess throwing it up is okay. Note to self: No more twatshots!! Even Bret has some standards!!!
3 of 37 | Posted by featherhead | Posted on January 8, 2009 5:04 AM
I re-played it about four times and Gia was up on the bar sans underwear and DJ Lady Tribe Nikki decided to slip the test tube shot up Gia's hoohah and take the shot that way.
If you can skeeve out the seemingly unskeevable Brett Michaels you are really definitely a new breed of ho!
4 of 37 | Posted by shan_evans | Posted on January 8, 2009 5:13 AM
OK, I can't even take the ridiculous-ness that is ROL, but I'm back... and as far as Natasha being a token, it's no different than Flavor Flav having a white girl on his show. He just masked it by having more than 1 per season.
5 of 37 | Posted by slutty_whore | Posted on January 8, 2009 7:07 AM
Gawd, DJ Lady makes Frenchy look absolutely feminine and ladylike...that is pretty damn sad.
6 of 37 | Posted by wintersux | Posted on January 8, 2009 7:19 AM
I spent almost the entire show trying to figure out who Juliette Lewis' voice reminded me of....finally figured it out....Napolian Dynomite's brother. So funny!
7 of 37 | Posted by casey | Posted on January 8, 2009 10:09 AM
Hmm, bet you Juliet Lewis is going the regret singing that song...the Brazilian chick is nuts--and awesomely beautiful. She's going to be around for a while.
But as much as Bret claims to love the party girls, I don't buy it -- he looks awfully damned tired to me, and what he really wants is a calm, older (but still ferociously hot) gal to drink tea with after band practice.
In other words, it's either the Penthouse Pet or the "Grandma" Model (um, she's probably, what, 35?)
I had to take a shower after watching this show. Though I'm looking forward to seeing Gia and DJ Lady on I Love Money 3.
8 of 37 | Posted by itchy | Posted on January 8, 2009 10:34 AM
I'm so in love with this show I can't even stand it. My only disappointment so far came from the preview for the rest of the season--not looking forward to the "keep bret's baby safe" hockey game with that retard Lacey. She can't compete with this season's hos--they're in a league of their own, and I hope whoever did casting for this season gets a big bonus.
I'm so sad that Gia and DJ got eliminated. My favorite of the remaining girls is Marcia. Who doesn't love a crazy drunk? I'm also charmed by the fact that she called the others "skahnky" girls and is teaching the VH1 viewing audience Portuguese. Now if I ever go to Brazil I'll know how to say the word for lady parts. Neat.
9 of 37 | Posted by blanketessa | Posted on January 8, 2009 10:38 AM
Ahhhhhhh, ChickBoooooomb! LOVED this recap, and I must say I'm a little jealous... I thought *I* had all the best skanks over on MY show, but yours totally tops it (and how is it that VH1 wound up with a trashier show than MTV?) but you are sooooo perfectly nailing them all to the bathroom wall, I LOVE you for it! Welcome back!
love, J-Mo :)
(a.k.a. ChickGay)
P.S. Perhaps the "Shot At Love" skanks of today become the "Rock Of Love" skanks of tomorrow! BINGO!!!
10 of 37 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on January 8, 2009 11:49 AM
Skankeriffic! Lucky dog. This bunch out-skanks the previous seasons and the other network's attempts to put together a gaggle of whores. What exactly is the term for a group of skanks? A Score? Patch? Puddle? Sniff?
11 of 37 | Posted by shantigal | Posted on January 8, 2009 12:01 PM
thank god chickbomb is back and recapping this tv acceptable orgy! oh how we've missed you and the hysterical recaps...
if only nikki would have stayed!
12 of 37 | Posted by xim34 | Posted on January 8, 2009 1:42 PM
See, I figure the gods at VH1 have been reading Tvgasm and have come to answer our prayers.
Next up: Skanks of Love. 100% skankerific, 100% skankerocious. Guaranteed.
And J-Mo, don't feel so bad...the twins were kind enough to give you your bukkake moment.
13 of 37 | Posted by itchy | Posted on January 8, 2009 2:06 PM
Aw, J-Mo, don't feel bad: the twins gave you a great bukkake moment, after all.
I'm still trying to get that image out of my brain.
14 of 37 | Posted by itchy | Posted on January 8, 2009 2:18 PM
The whole crotch shot thing was tv gold! lol I had figured out that Gia was already on the bar baring her vajayjay, but I hadn't considered that DJ had slipped the test tube in there. For some reason, I thought she had poured the shot in there and then slurped it out. Either way... gross.
Did you notice during the concert when they were showing all of the girl/girl action that Juliette Lewis barried her nose (or face) in Gia's privates? And Gia was licking the tops of DJs thighs too. These girls give a whole new meaning to the word skanky. (or skahnky as Marcia would say)
15 of 37 | Posted by Snootchy Bootches | Posted on January 8, 2009 2:27 PM
Erm.. barried=buried. I blame Marcia for causing me to lapse into phonetic spelling brain. :p
16 of 37 | Posted by Snootchy Bootches | Posted on January 8, 2009 2:30 PM
shantigal, BWAH! Can we please make it a sniff of skanks? That would so make my week. My year has already been made by this show coming back. It manages to bother entertain me and make me feel better about my own life.
17 of 37 | Posted by skylarkfreedom | Posted on January 8, 2009 6:20 PM
'Sniff' might be too tame for this bunch. That might apply to the species that populate the Bachelor.
How about: a snatch of skanks?
18 of 37 | Posted by itchy | Posted on January 9, 2009 12:39 AM
OH! Snatch of Skanks for sure...
19 of 37 | Posted by shan_evans | Posted on January 9, 2009 3:08 AM
Bwahahahahaha! A snatch of skanks!! Itchy, I know that you already know this.. but I luv you.
20 of 37 | Posted by Snootchy Bootches | Posted on January 9, 2009 5:09 AM
itchy:
I knew someone would coin just the right term. Brilliant!!
21 of 37 | Posted by shantigal | Posted on January 9, 2009 7:36 AM
Aw shucks, people...I'm blushing...
22 of 37 | Posted by itchy | Posted on January 9, 2009 8:50 AM
Does anyone else think DJ is the love child of Destiny and Frenchy? :)
23 of 37 | Posted by pappy44 | Posted on January 9, 2009 8:51 AM
I get drunk and watch the Shamwow commercial over and over too! I really want one. Does anyone know if they really work?
I also completely agree with the Daisy/Frenchi love child. As soon as I saw DJ Lady that was my immediate thought!
24 of 37 | Posted by flowie623 | Posted on January 9, 2009 9:38 AM
did anyone else feel like this episode was similar to the first week of american idol? when american idol shows a bunch of freaky, horrible singers just to proved the audience with laughs. for the show to be legitimate none of these singers can stick around, but they can have their brief 15 minutes of fame. just enough to proved some yucks. when i was watching nikki, the red swimsuit wonder, this thought was just running through my head. it was a complete and total set up.
also the words of chickbomb were running through my head the whole show, but no more so than when the shanks were dancing on stage. and i saw a bunch of the girls dancing with each other and then when nikki went to dance with another band member. my first thought was the ego isn't going to like this. and then i thought oh my, she doesn't know who brett michaels is, that is the wrong person.
thanks for coming back to recap this. it makes me happy!
25 of 37 | Posted by reckless_saturn_11 | Posted on January 9, 2009 11:22 AM
Reckless, I dunno if it was a setup... after all, there is very little difference between Daisy from last season and Nikki from this season. Fake lips, hair and boobs. Can't understand what she is saying. Drunk and skank.
And while I am on the topic of Daisy, I have to admit that I don't think I can bring myself to watch her spinoff. I mean, I disliked New York in a way that was entertaining and I watched all of her spinoffs, but Daisy isn't fun to watch. She is just... ugh.
26 of 37 | Posted by Snootchy Bootches | Posted on January 9, 2009 12:38 PM
Ah, reckless, of course it's all a setup -- the ROL people were probably so scared shitless that they'd have another boring season like ROL2, they went a wee bit overboard on stacking the deck...the DJ skank could barely stand up what with all the 'legal' drugs she must have taken.
And of course if she and Gia hadn't been there, the world would have been deprived of the invention of the 'vag-shot'....can't wait to see that defined in Wikipedia!
I agree on the Daisy call: she was barely articulate on ROL, and rather pathetic really. I just don't see her being interesting at all. I mean, that weird quivering thing she did is only entertaining for so long... Still, just imagining they type of meathead who'd WANT to be on her show is going to make me want to watch it...just can't help myself. A skank's a skank...
hmm...so what's the masculine word for skank anyway?
27 of 37 | Posted by itchy | Posted on January 9, 2009 1:26 PM
How about the word "man?" After all, would you guys ever really turn anyone down? I kid. I kid. :p
28 of 37 | Posted by Snootchy Bootches | Posted on January 9, 2009 1:31 PM
Another slut-tastic season of ROL -- YAY! Great recap, dollface!
Apart from the Brazilian chick being a clone of the Russian Tank Ina and several of the skanks channelling some sort of ghastly experiment-gone-wrong involving Daisy+Frenchy, it looks like a promising and suitably trashy tour.
And yeah, I just couldn't believe my eyes every time yet another chick showed up with blonde hair and basketball-sized boobs.
Damn!
29 of 37 | Posted by Donna Martin Graduates! | Posted on January 9, 2009 2:30 PM
wait, The Ego "spends three hundred days out of the year on the road, rockin' and rollin' and partyin'" -- so how come he's so hoarse after a single gig?!
30 of 37 | Posted by Donna Martin Graduates! | Posted on January 9, 2009 3:03 PM
"On the road" isn't the same thing as performing... according to his web site, his 'tour' consists of 15 dates at a bunch of backwater casinos and fairgrounds.
Which has to be kind of sad for him, considering the arena crowds he used to play in front of.
I almost feel sorry for him. [sniff].
31 of 37 | Posted by itchy | Posted on January 9, 2009 3:50 PM
I heard gia on a radio station and she said the scene between her and hot mess, nikki was just edited to make it look like something it wasn't. although her explanation of what really happened didn't make much sense. something about nikki dropping the shot on her face and then gia licked it off. who knows? I have the link for the podcast if anyone wants to hear it?? the guys interviewing her know her. from when she worked for them.
32 of 37 | Posted by reckless_Saturn_11 | Posted on January 9, 2009 5:25 PM
If Gia said that, I'd have to call bullshit on it. After all we have at least 3 girls AND Bret mentioning that private parts were involved. Marcia even went so far as to teach us the name for the body part in Portuguese! :p
33 of 37 | Posted by Snootchy Bootches | Posted on January 10, 2009 12:28 AM
Ok woooow. I thought I was gonna get away from this season but you reeled me back in. For a change, I'm actually watching the show (while reading your recap).
Nikki is Daisy part deux. And I agree with your pick for the season. Go (fake)Heather!
Why are they making the hos put their own luggage in the bus? That's hella cheap.
Token black chick is a man.
34 of 37 | Posted by BlahBlah | Posted on January 10, 2009 10:27 PM
Chickbomb you ROCK!! Excellent work.
I thought this episode was a freak fest of skanks. It seems that they should probably come out with a new word for these women.
And the Gia and Niki shot thing? Please they even grossed out the other skanks!! That's something that we haven't seen since the girl on Flavor of Love shit her pants after eliminations.....
I wonder how long it will be before the bus drivers quit.
35 of 37 | Posted by AnneM | Posted on January 10, 2009 11:37 PM
Is anyone else as sad as I am that this will be the "last" season of ROL?
Can we please please have a Big John of Love?
"Will you stay in this house with me, and make big love?"
36 of 37 | Posted by xim34 | Posted on January 14, 2009 12:45 PM
Just wanted to clarify--I am from Louisville and I know what Brett was in town for and it wasn't the State Fair...it was "LRS Fest" a big concert put on every year by our big "new rock" radio station...obviously MUCH classier than the State Fair...
37 of 37 | Posted by kygirl93 | Posted on January 20, 2009 8:48 AM