So the next morning when BJ rounds up the hos, this is what I'm hoping for. He starts counting skanks, and one's missing. Of course it's DJ Lady, who jiggles up in a yellow bra and a glazed expression. BJ tells them that Bret's finishing up a photo shoot, an "where he goes, we go". So to my disappointment, there is no morning elimination, and they all move into the Sheraton. A Sheraton! "I could get used to this," says Samantha excitedly.
Walking funny with a beer in her hand first thing in the morning. Holy lord I love this girl.
But the hos are quickly bored with their super luxurious new digs and it only takes them about five seconds to start drinking. Farrah breaks it down for us. She, DJ Lady, Gia and Juliet Lewis are the Blonde-tourage. Doubt they came up with that, but love it! Then there's the semi-crazy girls in the next room, and Farrah tells us that her group and this group kind of click. Finally, there's the "zombie room". Or, the brunette room.
The zombie girls just sit on the couch. Farrah and Gia come over for a visit and try to liven these hos up, but nothing doing. "Did we interrupt something?" they giggle drunkenly. The zombie girls just stare blankly. "Close the casket," quips Farrah. I really like her.
Once the Blonde-tourage girls leave, Penthouse Taya takes the opportunity to hop back up on her skanky soapbox. Something about them breathing their liquor breath all over Bret, and how she doesn't want his first impression of her to be as a drunk. Clearly she's not concerned with my first impression of her. "Pull it together," she snaps, examining her nails. I hope she goes soon, but Bret's got a thing for bitchy, pretty brunettes, so we might be stuck with her for a while.
Did I put on my jewel? I can't see it. Is it there? TELL ME!
Taya asks if anyone's mildly curious about what's going on in the other room, which means she totally is. So we cut to the other room and see some belly dancing. Then we see Marcia Brazil drinking tequila. And talking about how much she loves tequila. And then vomiting out a lot of tequila.
Just then Bret walks in. Brazil stumbles out of the bathroom and immediately starts making out with him to a chorus of "ewwww" from the rest of the hos. Apparently, in addition to sucking down all the tequila at the Sheraton, Brazil's also been munching on Doritos. So Bret's getting a tequila/Doritos/vomit kiss, but he doesn't seem to be bothered, he just goes for it. Done wiping the puke off your screen? Okay, moving on.
Still haven't puked? Damn. You're strong.
Bret reminds us that he has to do eliminations that night, and he needs some one on one time. And the first ho he wants alone time with is...Boring Butch? She's delighted and even more delighted to throw it in the other hos' faces who look just as perplexed as I do at this turn of events. But it soon becomes clear why he wanted her, turns out during the prior night's show, he noticed that Boring Butch knew all the words to his songs. "Even the solo stuff" he adds, just as surprised as anyone else that this would be the case.
He likes her cause she likes his music and the Ego needs food. Although he does mention that he thinks she might be able to kick his ass. She tells him about going to a Poison concert with her husband "at the time," she quickly adds before Bret can have a heart attack brought on by a Germy Jo flashback. Then she tells him that her "free pass list" when she was married, which Bret tells us is the list of the people you're allowed to cheat on your spouse with if the opportunity ever arose, included Bret and only Bret. Well, at one time it also had Edward Norton on it, but Ed was number two. "Take that, Ed Norton," says Bret, glowing with pride.
Awwwww!
Bret walks Boring Butch back to the group, and she thinks he likes her for being down to earth and because she's not putting stuff in her crotch. See ladies, it really is that simple. Just don't stick things in your crotch in public.
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Comments (37)
I have found the holy grail of trashy reality television. It is called "Rock of Love, Season 3."
My 50 year-old mother and I watched the premiere together. See? It's a sleaze fest for the whole family! After last season's bore fest too, this season is already a HUGE improvement. Brett's barbie hair, his idea that a woman shows interest in a man by taking her shirt off on their first meeting, "I need a girl that can hang," and ChickBomb recapping. All points to AWESOME.
1 of 37 | Posted by Tigermilk | Posted on January 8, 2009 3:08 AM
I missed the premiere, but it sounds skanktastic. Hopefully VH1 will replay it (every day until the end of time).
I love how the didn't even try to pretend with the "real" girls this time. They went straight for the worn out strippers. It's too bad Flasher Heather is an A-lister now, this would have been her year.
2 of 37 | Posted by DrJerkass | Posted on January 8, 2009 4:46 AM
This show is loaded with recapper's gold. I've been waiting for this recap and you did not disappoint! Nikki looks like a cross between Daisy and Frenchy from last season. I died at Brazil's confession about choking Trashly. YOU DON'T WASTE ALCHOL LIKE THAT EVER!! I guess throwing it up is okay. Note to self: No more twatshots!! Even Bret has some standards!!!
3 of 37 | Posted by featherhead | Posted on January 8, 2009 5:04 AM
I re-played it about four times and Gia was up on the bar sans underwear and DJ Lady Tribe Nikki decided to slip the test tube shot up Gia's hoohah and take the shot that way.
If you can skeeve out the seemingly unskeevable Brett Michaels you are really definitely a new breed of ho!
4 of 37 | Posted by shan_evans | Posted on January 8, 2009 5:13 AM
OK, I can't even take the ridiculous-ness that is ROL, but I'm back... and as far as Natasha being a token, it's no different than Flavor Flav having a white girl on his show. He just masked it by having more than 1 per season.
5 of 37 | Posted by slutty_whore | Posted on January 8, 2009 7:07 AM
Gawd, DJ Lady makes Frenchy look absolutely feminine and ladylike...that is pretty damn sad.
6 of 37 | Posted by wintersux | Posted on January 8, 2009 7:19 AM
I spent almost the entire show trying to figure out who Juliette Lewis' voice reminded me of....finally figured it out....Napolian Dynomite's brother. So funny!
7 of 37 | Posted by casey | Posted on January 8, 2009 10:09 AM
Hmm, bet you Juliet Lewis is going the regret singing that song...the Brazilian chick is nuts--and awesomely beautiful. She's going to be around for a while.
But as much as Bret claims to love the party girls, I don't buy it -- he looks awfully damned tired to me, and what he really wants is a calm, older (but still ferociously hot) gal to drink tea with after band practice.
In other words, it's either the Penthouse Pet or the "Grandma" Model (um, she's probably, what, 35?)
I had to take a shower after watching this show. Though I'm looking forward to seeing Gia and DJ Lady on I Love Money 3.
8 of 37 | Posted by itchy | Posted on January 8, 2009 10:34 AM
I'm so in love with this show I can't even stand it. My only disappointment so far came from the preview for the rest of the season--not looking forward to the "keep bret's baby safe" hockey game with that retard Lacey. She can't compete with this season's hos--they're in a league of their own, and I hope whoever did casting for this season gets a big bonus.
I'm so sad that Gia and DJ got eliminated. My favorite of the remaining girls is Marcia. Who doesn't love a crazy drunk? I'm also charmed by the fact that she called the others "skahnky" girls and is teaching the VH1 viewing audience Portuguese. Now if I ever go to Brazil I'll know how to say the word for lady parts. Neat.
9 of 37 | Posted by blanketessa | Posted on January 8, 2009 10:38 AM
Ahhhhhhh, ChickBoooooomb! LOVED this recap, and I must say I'm a little jealous... I thought *I* had all the best skanks over on MY show, but yours totally tops it (and how is it that VH1 wound up with a trashier show than MTV?) but you are sooooo perfectly nailing them all to the bathroom wall, I LOVE you for it! Welcome back!
love, J-Mo :)
(a.k.a. ChickGay)
P.S. Perhaps the "Shot At Love" skanks of today become the "Rock Of Love" skanks of tomorrow! BINGO!!!
10 of 37 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on January 8, 2009 11:49 AM
Skankeriffic! Lucky dog. This bunch out-skanks the previous seasons and the other network's attempts to put together a gaggle of whores. What exactly is the term for a group of skanks? A Score? Patch? Puddle? Sniff?
11 of 37 | Posted by shantigal | Posted on January 8, 2009 12:01 PM
thank god chickbomb is back and recapping this tv acceptable orgy! oh how we've missed you and the hysterical recaps...
if only nikki would have stayed!
12 of 37 | Posted by xim34 | Posted on January 8, 2009 1:42 PM
See, I figure the gods at VH1 have been reading Tvgasm and have come to answer our prayers.
Next up: Skanks of Love. 100% skankerific, 100% skankerocious. Guaranteed.
And J-Mo, don't feel so bad...the twins were kind enough to give you your bukkake moment.
13 of 37 | Posted by itchy | Posted on January 8, 2009 2:06 PM
Aw, J-Mo, don't feel bad: the twins gave you a great bukkake moment, after all.
I'm still trying to get that image out of my brain.
14 of 37 | Posted by itchy | Posted on January 8, 2009 2:18 PM
The whole crotch shot thing was tv gold! lol I had figured out that Gia was already on the bar baring her vajayjay, but I hadn't considered that DJ had slipped the test tube in there. For some reason, I thought she had poured the shot in there and then slurped it out. Either way... gross.
Did you notice during the concert when they were showing all of the girl/girl action that Juliette Lewis barried her nose (or face) in Gia's privates? And Gia was licking the tops of DJs thighs too. These girls give a whole new meaning to the word skanky. (or skahnky as Marcia would say)
15 of 37 | Posted by Snootchy Bootches | Posted on January 8, 2009 2:27 PM
Erm.. barried=buried. I blame Marcia for causing me to lapse into phonetic spelling brain. :p
16 of 37 | Posted by Snootchy Bootches | Posted on January 8, 2009 2:30 PM
shantigal, BWAH! Can we please make it a sniff of skanks? That would so make my week. My year has already been made by this show coming back. It manages to bother entertain me and make me feel better about my own life.
17 of 37 | Posted by skylarkfreedom | Posted on January 8, 2009 6:20 PM
'Sniff' might be too tame for this bunch. That might apply to the species that populate the Bachelor.
How about: a snatch of skanks?
18 of 37 | Posted by itchy | Posted on January 9, 2009 12:39 AM
OH! Snatch of Skanks for sure...
19 of 37 | Posted by shan_evans | Posted on January 9, 2009 3:08 AM
Bwahahahahaha! A snatch of skanks!! Itchy, I know that you already know this.. but I luv you.
20 of 37 | Posted by Snootchy Bootches | Posted on January 9, 2009 5:09 AM
itchy:
I knew someone would coin just the right term. Brilliant!!
21 of 37 | Posted by shantigal | Posted on January 9, 2009 7:36 AM
Aw shucks, people...I'm blushing...
22 of 37 | Posted by itchy | Posted on January 9, 2009 8:50 AM
Does anyone else think DJ is the love child of Destiny and Frenchy? :)
23 of 37 | Posted by pappy44 | Posted on January 9, 2009 8:51 AM
I get drunk and watch the Shamwow commercial over and over too! I really want one. Does anyone know if they really work?
I also completely agree with the Daisy/Frenchi love child. As soon as I saw DJ Lady that was my immediate thought!
24 of 37 | Posted by flowie623 | Posted on January 9, 2009 9:38 AM
did anyone else feel like this episode was similar to the first week of american idol? when american idol shows a bunch of freaky, horrible singers just to proved the audience with laughs. for the show to be legitimate none of these singers can stick around, but they can have their brief 15 minutes of fame. just enough to proved some yucks. when i was watching nikki, the red swimsuit wonder, this thought was just running through my head. it was a complete and total set up.
also the words of chickbomb were running through my head the whole show, but no more so than when the shanks were dancing on stage. and i saw a bunch of the girls dancing with each other and then when nikki went to dance with another band member. my first thought was the ego isn't going to like this. and then i thought oh my, she doesn't know who brett michaels is, that is the wrong person.
thanks for coming back to recap this. it makes me happy!
25 of 37 | Posted by reckless_saturn_11 | Posted on January 9, 2009 11:22 AM
Reckless, I dunno if it was a setup... after all, there is very little difference between Daisy from last season and Nikki from this season. Fake lips, hair and boobs. Can't understand what she is saying. Drunk and skank.
And while I am on the topic of Daisy, I have to admit that I don't think I can bring myself to watch her spinoff. I mean, I disliked New York in a way that was entertaining and I watched all of her spinoffs, but Daisy isn't fun to watch. She is just... ugh.
26 of 37 | Posted by Snootchy Bootches | Posted on January 9, 2009 12:38 PM
Ah, reckless, of course it's all a setup -- the ROL people were probably so scared shitless that they'd have another boring season like ROL2, they went a wee bit overboard on stacking the deck...the DJ skank could barely stand up what with all the 'legal' drugs she must have taken.
And of course if she and Gia hadn't been there, the world would have been deprived of the invention of the 'vag-shot'....can't wait to see that defined in Wikipedia!
I agree on the Daisy call: she was barely articulate on ROL, and rather pathetic really. I just don't see her being interesting at all. I mean, that weird quivering thing she did is only entertaining for so long... Still, just imagining they type of meathead who'd WANT to be on her show is going to make me want to watch it...just can't help myself. A skank's a skank...
hmm...so what's the masculine word for skank anyway?
27 of 37 | Posted by itchy | Posted on January 9, 2009 1:26 PM
How about the word "man?" After all, would you guys ever really turn anyone down? I kid. I kid. :p
28 of 37 | Posted by Snootchy Bootches | Posted on January 9, 2009 1:31 PM
Another slut-tastic season of ROL -- YAY! Great recap, dollface!
Apart from the Brazilian chick being a clone of the Russian Tank Ina and several of the skanks channelling some sort of ghastly experiment-gone-wrong involving Daisy+Frenchy, it looks like a promising and suitably trashy tour.
And yeah, I just couldn't believe my eyes every time yet another chick showed up with blonde hair and basketball-sized boobs.
Damn!
29 of 37 | Posted by Donna Martin Graduates! | Posted on January 9, 2009 2:30 PM
wait, The Ego "spends three hundred days out of the year on the road, rockin' and rollin' and partyin'" -- so how come he's so hoarse after a single gig?!
30 of 37 | Posted by Donna Martin Graduates! | Posted on January 9, 2009 3:03 PM
"On the road" isn't the same thing as performing... according to his web site, his 'tour' consists of 15 dates at a bunch of backwater casinos and fairgrounds.
Which has to be kind of sad for him, considering the arena crowds he used to play in front of.
I almost feel sorry for him. [sniff].
31 of 37 | Posted by itchy | Posted on January 9, 2009 3:50 PM
I heard gia on a radio station and she said the scene between her and hot mess, nikki was just edited to make it look like something it wasn't. although her explanation of what really happened didn't make much sense. something about nikki dropping the shot on her face and then gia licked it off. who knows? I have the link for the podcast if anyone wants to hear it?? the guys interviewing her know her. from when she worked for them.
32 of 37 | Posted by reckless_Saturn_11 | Posted on January 9, 2009 5:25 PM
If Gia said that, I'd have to call bullshit on it. After all we have at least 3 girls AND Bret mentioning that private parts were involved. Marcia even went so far as to teach us the name for the body part in Portuguese! :p
33 of 37 | Posted by Snootchy Bootches | Posted on January 10, 2009 12:28 AM
Ok woooow. I thought I was gonna get away from this season but you reeled me back in. For a change, I'm actually watching the show (while reading your recap).
Nikki is Daisy part deux. And I agree with your pick for the season. Go (fake)Heather!
Why are they making the hos put their own luggage in the bus? That's hella cheap.
Token black chick is a man.
34 of 37 | Posted by BlahBlah | Posted on January 10, 2009 10:27 PM
Chickbomb you ROCK!! Excellent work.
I thought this episode was a freak fest of skanks. It seems that they should probably come out with a new word for these women.
And the Gia and Niki shot thing? Please they even grossed out the other skanks!! That's something that we haven't seen since the girl on Flavor of Love shit her pants after eliminations.....
I wonder how long it will be before the bus drivers quit.
35 of 37 | Posted by AnneM | Posted on January 10, 2009 11:37 PM
Is anyone else as sad as I am that this will be the "last" season of ROL?
Can we please please have a Big John of Love?
"Will you stay in this house with me, and make big love?"
36 of 37 | Posted by xim34 | Posted on January 14, 2009 12:45 PM
Just wanted to clarify--I am from Louisville and I know what Brett was in town for and it wasn't the State Fair...it was "LRS Fest" a big concert put on every year by our big "new rock" radio station...obviously MUCH classier than the State Fair...
37 of 37 | Posted by kygirl93 | Posted on January 20, 2009 8:48 AM