Welcome back to Rock Of Love! I was a little worried for this week's installment, given the vacuum of trash left by Clown Whore, but the other skanks did their best to pitch in and fill the void. Annoying Brandi started us off early last week, with the revelation (and when I say revelation, I mean carefully timed press leak from the VH1 publicity department) that she has an internet sex video. I have read the gossip sites calling her an internet porn "star", and I'm sure in her sad little world she is, but I'm not buying it. Put a video of yourself having a threesome on the internet, OF COURSE people are gonna watch it. The line between horny exhibitionist and porn star ...oh wait, hold on a second, hadn't really thought that one through. Regardless. Brandi C., you whored it up for a webcam. I am not impressed.
Watch out, Julia Roberts!
It's another morning in the House O' Ho's. We are reminded of the divide in the house, the sluts vs. the bitches. Cause that's really all it comes down to at the end of the day for all of us, isn't it dolls? Rocker Lacey tells us she is unhappy about Dallas's continued presence in the house. She says it's because Dallas eats meat, but it's really because Lacey is an instigator. I would have thought this would make me like her, but it doesn't.
The ho's get a love note from Bret telling them that today's challenge will be motocross. Sideshow Kristia is excited, she thinks motocross is fun! I personally think it seems boring, but I guess that's why they're calling it "Rock of Love with Bret Michaels" instead of "Rock of Love with ChickBomb". They head out to the motocross track (Track? Dirt mound? This is so not my thing.) Everyone's wearing their hair tied back with a bandana in a way that's less rocker girl chic, and more Marcia Brady cleaning the attic. Funny how they've all latched onto the style though.
They are standing around the big dirty motocross area, when along whizzes Bret on his bike. Show off. He's accompanied by two biker girls, of course. Pinky and Leather are rivals, but will put their differences aside to teach Bret's honeys the basics of riding a dirt bike. Cool Sam (who's getting a new name before this recap's done) is overly excited, jumping up and down. Annoying Brandi tells us how cute she is in her motocross suit. People who tell you how cute they are are usually, like, so right. Magdalena Legs has quite the debacle trying to fit her head into her helmet, and she somehow manages to pee herself in the process. Dumb, incontinent, with a huge head. She's a keeper.
We have a winner!
Pinky and Leather finish up the lesson. Grandma Rodeo is getting excited, and oh Lord, we all know what happens when Grandma gets excited.
Dallas is racing around on her bike like an idiot. Rocker Lacey says Dallas is a disaster, and I hate to agree with anything that lame bitch says, but it's true. I don't know what's happened to Dallas. All along she's been cool as a breeze, now all of the sudden she's here to prove that she's some kind of daredevil biker chick. I hate it when people try to be what they so clearly are not, so it is at this point that I officially break up with Dallas.
They are divided into three teams of four for the race. The captains are Magdalena Legs, Hooters Erin and Flasher Heather. They make their picks for each team, and the final two girls standing are Annoying Brandi C., cause she's annoying, and Dallas, cause she can't ride. Hooters doesn't want Brandi, but she wants to win so she picks her over Dallas. Dallas stands there posing like a moron. Sorry babe, but there's no pose that make you look cool when you're picked last. The pink team is Magdalena Legs, Grandma Rodeo, "Cool" Sam, and Badass Brandi; the purple team is Hooters Erin, Mia, One S Jes and Annoying Brandi C.; and the blue team is Flasher Heather, Rocker Lacey, Sideshow Kristia and Dallas.
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Comments (11)
This show is such a trainwreck, I love it!!
Rodeo is my favorite too, ChickBomb; she's nuts but I think she's good people. I (unlike Lacey) would never want to piss her off, as I'm fairly certain she could squeeze my head off with her bicep.
I thought it was funny that Bret called that place HIS house when Dallas was leaving. That's like renting a limo and calling someone out for spilling stuff in YOUR car.
1 of 11 | Posted by MissKatrina
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Posted on August 2, 2007 6:46 AM
I don't blame Dallas for the 'no hug' exit. Bret kept insane Lacey instead?? Please.
2 of 11 | Posted by Clair
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Posted on August 2, 2007 8:46 AM
Sorry babe, but there's no pose that will make you look cool when you're picked last.
Love it, laughed out loud. And many more times.
You're good, lady.
3 of 11 | Posted by ting lee
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Posted on August 2, 2007 9:45 AM
Has anyone else noticed that Grandma Rodeo looks like a butchy Jennifer Aniston????
I love her - I hope she takes it all.
ChickBomb - you're recaps are awesome. Please recap the Hills too!
4 of 11 | Posted by gunnit
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Posted on August 2, 2007 11:26 AM
Another rockin' recap of the most skank-a-licious show on TV. At last the Lacey backlash begins. Is it Sunday night yet?
5 of 11 | Posted by Bill Benway
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Posted on August 2, 2007 12:44 PM
Grandma Rodeo also looks like Holly Hunter's older brother.
6 of 11 | Posted by hellagnarcal
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Posted on August 2, 2007 12:50 PM
Grandma Rodeo also looks like Holly Hunter's older brother.
7 of 11 | Posted by hellagnarcal
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Posted on August 2, 2007 12:50 PM
The "Marcia Brady cleaning the attic" comment was my favorite.
Grandma Rodeo reminds me of a plastic and rougher Lena Olin. She cracks me up and is my fave to win, although I'd be surprised if Bret picked someone his own age. He should probably cash in on the rocker-who-can-still-get-young-tail for as long as he can. Any girl who catches sight of his horrid man-weave 10 years from now will run for the hills.
Grandma Rodeo should probably avoid being on camera or in front of Bret sans makeup and in PJs. It aged her 10 years at least.
Hopefully, Annoying Brandi will be gone soon. And Psycho Lacey. Great recap, CB!!
8 of 11 | Posted by Shaz
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Posted on August 2, 2007 1:55 PM
Shouldn't hypocrite-Lacey be upset with Bret's ridiculous jackets every week? You know some slaughtering of animals had to take place in the making of those over-large atrocities.
And what is up with the need for winter jackets anyways- this is LA. The girls seem to be dressed like its a warm summer night, I am confused! Maybe Bret should throw his coat over Heather. What a mess- get a stylist to this show STAT.
9 of 11 | Posted by d-fly
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Posted on August 2, 2007 4:09 PM
When I first saw the previews for this episode, when Rodeo's in her jammies I thought that was a man. Damn! Anyways, great recap! :)
10 of 11 | Posted by MichyPR
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Posted on August 2, 2007 9:24 PM
gunnit- thank you! I was trying to put my finger on it. Jen Anniston in the Butch is exactly it!
11 of 11 | Posted by McCreamy
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Posted on August 4, 2007 11:11 AM