We rejoin the fun with Big John rudely awakening some ate-up ass at 6 am. He wakes with a warning - if they want to date a rock star, they better individually start stepping up their A-games! Get me the concierge, I don't like this wake up call.

Big John's message is a not at all subtle order from Master Bret, who then appears onscreen complaining that Mags and Mia haven't done anything to get his attention. In other words lovelies, put out or get out. They eat breakfast and the producers thankfully keep the lighting low so we don't have to get too detailed a look at morning slag.

The babes set out for the day's challenge. I forget what the clue is, but Jes thinks perhaps they're riding motorcycles again. Probably not, One S, Bret likes variety. Badass tells the bitches to watch out. It's Bret's birthday, and in honor of the occasion, he's decked out in his flame painted cowboy hat. Why couldn't he have given that one to Grandma Rodeo?

I hope Grandma Rodeo is obnoxiously rubbing her areolas somewhere and smiling right now.

The challenge is sort of a groupie obstacle course. There's a parking lot, a tour bus, and different stops representing different cities. The ho's travel from city to city, recruit two other players for the night, race to a Bret blow up doll behind the liquor store and whoever inflates first, wins! OK, not really, but that would have been a super real challenge though, right?

In the "real" real challenge, they travel to each "city", and when they get there, Big John (who is certainly bringing his A-game today - Bret makes him work for birthday leftovers, you know) chooses a skank, she chooses an opponent, and they do the challenge. The winner gets to stay in the trollop pool onboard the bus, and the loser gets left in whatever city. Oh wait, that part sounds real.

The first stop is New York. One S is chosen as the challenger and she picks "Legs" as her opponent. Don't go appropriating my nicknames, bitch. If I hear the words Clown Whore out of your mouth, you're so getting sued.

Big John tells the gals that they need to hustle - when the bus is ready to go, you need to be ready to go. The challenge is a race to pack up some clothes in a suitcase, zip it up, and get it on the bus. All I have to say is, ehh. I've missed many busses in my life, and you know what? You miss one, another comes along. You just try and keep hope that the next bus has an equal or better washed-up 80's manwhore on it.

Why the rush, ladies? Julio Iglesias will be making a stop at noon.

But enough judging the challenge. It's time to judge the chicks. I can pack an 18" roller board for a two-week trip to Europe in under five minutes, so I am not impressed with their packing skills. It's neck and neck til Jes's red sweater gets stuck in the zipper, and the tour is over for her. She is so not OK with being the first one kicked off the bus.

In Philadelphia, Big John's pick is Mags. Even though she just competed, she has to go again. She picks Cool Sam, who is shocked, but thinks that Mags has underestimated her. They have to change into some groupie ensemble that Sam unenthusiastically tells us includes crotchless lace onsie, corset and a miniskirt that looks like a belt. Of course Flasher finds the outfit "awesome!"

They also have to change in porta potties, which the production team has thoughtfully gone to great effort to authenticate. They look gross and Mags and Sam say they smell just as bad. Mags comes flying out of the potty first, but it turned out she didn't tie her Payless shoes right, giving Sam enough time take the victory. Magdalena is fake bummed, she feels like she's never going to get time with Bret.

A true groupie slut knows the way onto the bus is to give a free sample to the muscle. Nice work.

« Recap: The Hills: Surprise! | | Recap: Mission: Man Band: Seriously, BoBo the Gorilla Might Be Better... »

Posted in Rock of Love by ChickBomb at 11:33 AM | Permalink | Comments (6)
Last Comment: windchimes on Aug 26, 2007 02:46 PM.

Comments (6)

LuvzSunshine :

Thanks ChickBomb for recapping so I don't actually have to watch. I throw up a little when I have to look at these people.

1 of 6 | Posted by LuvzSunshine | Posted on August 23, 2007 1:35 PM

Amythyst :

Chickbomb, that was awesome. you had me laughing outloud. I can't believe i come back every week for this bullshit show - guess I like the sleaze. Cheap entertainment at its best.

2 of 6 | Posted by Amythyst | Posted on August 23, 2007 1:37 PM

mle428 :

"Every rose has its thorn, but not every thorn has a rose. It's the Tao of Poison."

That is brilliant. I love these recaps. What would I do without you, Chickbomb?

3 of 6 | Posted by mle428 | Posted on August 23, 2007 1:45 PM

Niecy :

love ur recaps ChickBomb. if u wanna get another good laugh in go look at Lacey's myspace page. bitch says she was just playing a "character". does anyone remember when people were picked for a reality show they were actually real? well the only show i remember that rule was Real World: New York (the first one) but still. maybe i'm naive but when i watch reality shows i assume these people are being real. guess im wrong

4 of 6 | Posted by Niecy | Posted on August 23, 2007 2:07 PM

2 Old 4 This :

this show is so bad in so many ways
really HORRIBLE

but

I can't stop watching cuz now it's like studying for Chickbomb's recaps.
You're the nuggets!

"Don't smudge the Mac, bitch"

Priceless

5 of 6 | Posted by 2 Old 4 This | Posted on August 23, 2007 2:08 PM

windchimes :

I love the recap!! I'm SICK of Psycho-Lacey...I feel bad for Sam! Hopeful "Flasher", and Lacey will be gone soon!

6 of 6 | Posted by windchimes | Posted on August 26, 2007 2:46 PM

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