Well, I don't know about the rest of you, but I've been dying to see this trashfest from the word go. I know I took forever to do this recap, so I'm not wasting any time on the fancy intros. I'm just gonna take a shot and dive right into the dumpster we call Rock of Love!
Our bachelor is Bret Micheals from the 80's metal band Poison. He starts off by telling us that he knows the secret to love: you've got to find someone who you want to be friends with and have sex with. Particularly, he's looking for that hot, cool, sexy girl who can also deal with the insanity of rock and roll; the "insatiable bitch goddess." I think Bret's standards may be a little high. Most of the single people I know in LA are just looking for someone with a job who won't cheat on them.
I just wanna be loved, is that so wrong?
They show us the obligatory montage of Bret living a lonely life on the road from twenty years ago, set to the ubiquitus "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". I have a feeling we're going to be hearing a lot of this song for the next ten weeks. Bret tells us that he's already "hooked up with" some of the most beautiful women in the world...so naturally, when VH1 came calling with the chance to meet twenty five slags desperate for fifteen minutes of reality television fame, he leapt at the chance.
The ladies will be living in a rented house in the Hollywood Hills while they compete for the honor of being the girl who's best looking and least irritating, cause with this bunch, that's all it's coming down to, really. Bret has to make sure he has the right woman before he takes her home to meet his daughters. The truth is, allegedly, there's a Mommy at Casa Michaels as well, but we're just going to have to ignore that minor detail for the sake of entertainment. The irony of having to willingly suspend our disbelief for reality television is not lost on me, but hey, the dude's got a solo album to promote, VH1's got a franchise to keep alive, I've got bitchy to expel and you need something to read online while you pretend to work. Let's just play our parts and be quiet about it.
He pulls up to the rented house on his Harley and the girls go crazy. Miss Hooters Illinois tells us that the title has given her the tools she will need to win Bret's heart. Her tools are orange spandex shorts and a sash. Good luck, sweetie. He banged Pam Anderson, you know. Don't think it's gonna be such a cakewalk. Of course the rest of them all have faux-competitive, producer coerced comments to make as well like, "they better watch out, he's mine" and "keep trying, it's never gonna happen". All except for Badass Brandi who tells us she wants to make him her bitch. Oh, I am so backing this broad.
Vote for this slag!
Bret says a very quick hello, and then passes the girls off to his Head of Security, Big John, for orientation. The first thing he tells them is there are rules! No going into Bret's room without permission, no touching the guitars and don't puke in the jacuzzi. I decide that I want Big John accompanying me everywhere telling people "These are the rules for being around GB. You pay for dinner. And don't wear cheap shoes." That would be so fucking fabulous.
Big John segues into a speech about the backstage party and how not everyone gets in...is this going where I think its going? Oh, this show is so much meaner than I could ever be! Sure enough Big John starts picking girls. And the ones he's picking are the fugly ass ho ba...well, he's not exactly picking the hotties. Everyone else is invited into the house, and the five left standing are informed that their tour ends here. Denied! The rejects (one of whom is actually kind of cute, in a 4H Club sort of way) are annoyed and humiliated. But come on, since we're calling this reality, the only ways these five would have gotten backstage was with knee pads.
Next time, bring your pretty.
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Comments (18)
Great recap ... I'm so impressed you kept track of all the women, I forgot who was who within the frame of the show!
I thought I convinced myself that I was not going to get pulled into another one of these dating show dibacles (where do these women come from?) ... but ... vh1 conspired against me by replaying this first episode SO many times I couldn't help but get pulled in.
I thought the photo captions were great & the nicknames were hilarious ... keep up the good work!
Clown Whore ... ha! :)
1 of 18 | Posted by m'low
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Posted on July 19, 2007 3:44 PM
I also though you did a great job with your recap and captions.
This is one of those shows I'm going to be embarrassed to like as much as I do. I don't know how Bret manages to come off as likable, but he does. And these are truly some bottom-of-the-barrel skanks. I can't wait until the next episode.
2 of 18 | Posted by gatsby
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Posted on July 19, 2007 6:23 PM
I don't watch, just come for the 'caps. Seriously they're soo funny I might have to start watching. The moment I fell in love was this:
"I kind of don't want to say too much about her. She seems like the type who would cut you over a Lycra halter at Wet Seal."
3 of 18 | Posted by CSIS
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Posted on July 19, 2007 10:03 PM
great recap! i'm loving the nicknames.
4 of 18 | Posted by Jokerbaby4
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Posted on July 19, 2007 10:06 PM
I gotta admit, you must have a stronger stomach than I do. When I started watching this I felt guilty. Then I felt disgusted and finally I felt dirty and went to take a shower. I couldn't even make it through the first hour and I am a reality show veteran. Anyway, your recap was infinitely more entertaining that the actual show. Keep it up.
5 of 18 | Posted by Sweet_Mullet
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Posted on July 20, 2007 12:28 AM
GirlBomb joins the very short list of awesome 'cappers this site has. Your recap was hilarious, spot on.
This show has somehow exceeded the trainwreck that bore it. Flav's hos have practically nothing on these skanks. Where as FOL had 2 or 3 drunks, ROL has 2 or 3 who DIDN'T get sloppy drunk. It was beautiful.
I totally love Sam, I wanna be her myspace friend, she was awesome and probably doesn't belong on this show, which makes me wonder what filthy, dirty secret she's hiding. I also dug Jes and Badass Brandi. I liked BBrandi from the get-go. She's a skank with a brain, go figure!
Looking forward to many more weeks of embarassment and hilarity with you, GirlBomb!
6 of 18 | Posted by brendahamLincoln
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Posted on July 20, 2007 12:31 AM
you nailed the whole episdoe on the provebral head. what it is that makes bret michaels so likeable? like he just totally is doing this whole thing tongue in cheek.
and you are right. he knows women. but that could be my leftover 6th grade crush on him talking. who didn't love poison?
talk dirty to me!
7 of 18 | Posted by reckless_saturn
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Posted on July 20, 2007 5:01 AM
Awesome recap! This show is going to be so great. In regards to your question of what makes Bret so likeable... I am a Poison fan and I have met him a couple of times and he has got to be the nicest man in rock & roll. He is very humble, very down to earth and he knows who is responsible for his success (the fans). He also apparently has the patience of a saint to be able to put up with some of these women! Anyhoo, can't wait for your future recaps!
8 of 18 | Posted by Corri2
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Posted on July 20, 2007 7:08 AM
Whatever stupid ho said she was a capricorn and thus ruled by her genital is a moron. Thats Scorpios that are ruled by their genitals..I should know I am one
9 of 18 | Posted by sammythebull151
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Posted on July 20, 2007 8:30 AM
Whatever stupid ho said she was a capricorn and thus ruled by her genital is a moron. Thats Scorpios that are ruled by their genitals..I should know I am one
10 of 18 | Posted by sammythebull151
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Posted on July 20, 2007 8:30 AM
GirlBomb, you rock my world! (Urgh... I was trying to keep up with this show's pathetic theme, but I think I just threw up a little in my mouth...) Anyhoo... I can't choose which recap highlight I loved the most, but using the term "slags" (a British endearment for skanks..."slapper" is a good one too) will win you my loyalty everytime. I also loved "Clown Whore" and "Grandma Rodeo". Upcoming episodes indicate that the next 'competition' will involve the telephone. Whoever has the best telephone voice will not be eliminated. I smell a great follow-up recap!!!
11 of 18 | Posted by Shaz
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Posted on July 20, 2007 8:32 AM
Let me add my "awesome recap" sentiment to the many already here.
Taking a cue from the too-early departure of Ripsi from the Bad Girls Club, I think the producers knew they hit gold with the train wreck that is Clown Whore. That they close-captioned her comments in drunkenese is priceless.
12 of 18 | Posted by Clair
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Posted on July 20, 2007 9:42 AM
"The irony of having to willingly suspend our disbelief for reality television is not lost on me, but hey, the dude's got a solo album to promote, VH1's got a franchise to keep alive, I've got bitchy to expel and you need something to read online while you pretend to work. Let's just play our parts and be quiet about it."
Where you looking at me when you said this??
Needing something to read online when I should be working is exactly why I`m reading a recap of a show I would never watch. More often than not the recap is a hell of a lot funnier than the actual show itself!
Keep up the great work!
13 of 18 | Posted by hardlyworking
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Posted on July 20, 2007 10:13 AM
Oh my god...really and truly astounded. First recap I've read on TVgasm in months that's actually intelligent AND funny!
14 of 18 | Posted by Joe Blow
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Posted on July 20, 2007 12:13 PM
I agree with everyone else, this recap was hilarious! Keep up the great work.
I absolutely love this show! At first I didn't think it would be that great, and I totally forgot it was on. I happened to turn it to VH1 thinking the Scott Baio show was going to be on, and got sucked in. This show is trashy reality tv at it's best.
Anyway looking forward to your recaps!
15 of 18 | Posted by dmbislove
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Posted on July 20, 2007 2:39 PM
Add one more to the chorus, this was a truly inspired recap. Bravo Girlbomb! With you, Flipit, Schoonie, Ting Lee, Dr. McSteeny and all the other great recappers on this site I think it's safe to say that the golden age of Tvgasm is returning.
16 of 18 | Posted by bdos88
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Posted on July 22, 2007 1:01 PM
I hope he picks either Samantha, Jes, or Badass Brandi
17 of 18 | Posted by McCreamy
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Posted on July 23, 2007 6:55 AM
Loved the recap and the screencaps.Great job!:) I just wanted to say that Annoying Brandi kinda looks like a clown as well. At eliminations she looked ROUGH with her makeup all streaked. I actually liked Rodeo a little bit even though she does look a tad mannish. Oh and did anyone else think that Raven was really butch? yikes! Bret does seem really likeable and I'm gonna keep watching this show even though these skanks disgust me more than the Flavor of Love girls, IMO they are a lot worse and that says a lot.
18 of 18 | Posted by Iluvslash
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Posted on July 24, 2007 6:08 AM