All of the sudden, Badass's hair appears to be...smoking? The Old Ho's notice it, and Badass nervously pats her head. She's standing under a bright interrogation light. Poor Badass. The Old Ho's don't like her. They think she has a perfect answer for everything. They think she was fake and didn't believe a word she said. Eh, they're kind of right, but she's successfully made her way from cracked out, bloated and sleazy to cute and sleazy, so let's just give her some credit and move on. She goes back to the living room to wait and pats down her burning head. It was a fucking nightmare, she declares.
Slag Roast
Sam goes next. She looks really, really nervous. The first thing the Old Hos ask her is if she thinks Bret has feelings for her. She's pretty sure he does, but they shoot her down and tell her he's a friendly guy, so perhaps she's taking it the wrong way. She tells them she's insecure with the competition. Oh, Sam. Did it hurt when you fell off the turnip truck?
The Old Hos know they're got Sammie rattled, so they keep pushing and ask her to fake an orgasm. She refuses, saying that she wouldn't feel comfortable. She says she doesn't have to prove it to anyone. Oh, but she does. The Old Hos tell her she can't be a disappointment in bed, or behind a dumpster, or under a freeway.
Princess Sam says there's no way she's going to give them the satisfaction. So they tell her she lacks confidence, and ask her if she's emotionally stable. Then they ask her if she sees a therapist. Bret needs a strong, secure, independent woman, they berate her. It is taking all Sam has in her to not break down in front of the Old Ho's.
That sweater's not helping your cause, Fay Wray.
As soon as they release her from her interrogation, she falls apart. Badass holds her. Badass is a nice girl. I'm just gonna keep telling myself that. Sam's take is that the Old Hos "hate girls". Of course they do, but take heart Sam. You're younger, prettier and cooler. Truth is doll, when they truly hate you, you win.
One S goes in with a very friendly attitude, and the Old Ho's dig it. Come on, you thought Badass was fake, but not One S? Cause before today, I wasn't even sure she had teeth. But that may be because of her lip injection, which she cops to, and which I didn't notice - no small accomplishment cause ChickBomb takes tremendous pride in being able to spot plastic surgery from many miles away. The head Old Ho throws out there that she assumes One S' boobs are real and she tells us no shit you stupid bitch. Why would she get fake boobs that small? Her intellectual prowess is getting to the Oldies.
Jes doesn't know the drummer from Poison. Rikki Rockett, bitch, and I even spelled it right. I could wipe the floor with Bret's ho's on Poison trivia, and I haven't been a Poison fan since the 80's. Ky says she wants to kiss Jes to see if she is a good kisser. The real reason is, she wants to make sure Jes is cool with girl on girl, cause that's one of Bret's requirements.
Whatever the reason, One S and Ky make out a little bit, and Ky reports that Jes is a lip biter. Before Jes leaves the room, she makes sure to spend a little time trashing Lacey. Still mad about getting shoved in the pool, are we? Don't do anything to smoosh One S's hair, she will be your enemy for life.
MentHos Freshness
Flasher is super friendly, but the first thing the Old Hos want to discuss is her career as a stripper. Flasher bemoans that here we go again with the stripper thing, and I concur. It's not like Bret normally dates investment bankers. Besides, the Oldies don't look like they're any strangers to the pole themselves.
They want to know why she's there, and Flasher says to find love. They want to know if she cares if any of them may have slept with Bret. No, she replies, I'm sure you all have. They laugh, which means, hell yeah we were orgying with him while you were eating breakfast.
Flasher's icing on the interview is to tell the Old Hos that she's planning on getting "Bret" tattooed on her neck. Then she invites them for a drink and casually suggests that Amy wants to do her. Flasher my dear, you are a one of a kind ho.
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Comments (14)
Best line ever? " He's over Sam and her suitcase full of buzz kill." My coffee has now made a burning trail back up my esophogus thanks to that comment, but it was totally worth it.
Of course he's not getting rid of Lacey. As you said, she provides the best nutter material, and VH1 is all about the ratings, so why give up such a golden nugget of trainwreck? Sam seems like the kind who does this stuff just to piss her rich parents off. She kinda looks like Kimberly Stewart, so she may as well head back to NY and hang with that crowd, now that she has a microgram of fame.
Love your recaps, Pimp Momma ChickBomb. Always look forward to them. I too think One S could win this hands down. But I have a feeling Flasher will be one of the last 2 slags standing.
BTW, love that you use the term "slag". It's one omy my faves.
1 of 14 | Posted by Shaz
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Posted on September 7, 2007 5:41 AM
I am not sure why, but I MUST see the Brandi pics. Where can I see them? And WHAT is wrong with me for WANTING to see them?
2 of 14 | Posted by sarahb
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Posted on September 7, 2007 5:54 AM
I am not sure why, but I MUST see the Brandi pics. Where can I see them? And WHAT is wrong with me for WANTING to see them?
3 of 14 | Posted by sarahb
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Posted on September 7, 2007 5:58 AM
Hey! I just wanted to give a big, ole ROCKIN' shout out to you, Chick Bomb, for the snarkalicious recaps. I gave up TV for a while so I rely on your insight into all the drama I am missing. I want you to know that although I haven't commented, I have been faithfully reading each installment.
ChickBomb - Will you stay and rock my world? ;-)
4 of 14 | Posted by subgenre
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Posted on September 7, 2007 6:22 AM
OK. Nevermind. I take it back. I found the pics. I wish I hadn't. :)
P/S I love your recaps ChickBomb: my favorite line of the week was: She accepts in a divine blue stripper costume, with her hair pinned up and neck exposed to show off Bret's proof of ownership.
That and the part about if she gets lost in at an ate up rock star convention, they'll know who she belongs to.
5 of 14 | Posted by sarahb
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Posted on September 7, 2007 6:26 AM
OK. Nevermind. I take it back. I found the pics. I wish I hadn't. :)
P/S I love your recaps ChickBomb: my favorite line of the week was: She accepts in a divine blue stripper costume, with her hair pinned up and neck exposed to show off Bret's proof of ownership.
That and the part about if she gets lost in at an ate up rock star convention, they'll know who she belongs to.
6 of 14 | Posted by sarahb
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Posted on September 7, 2007 6:29 AM
Did anyone but me think that Bret's SuperFans were just girls who weren't picked to be on the acutal show? I call casting fraud!!!
7 of 14 | Posted by gunnit
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Posted on September 7, 2007 8:41 AM
Do these girls forget they're all competing for the same man?? Why do they keep trying to talk each other into STAYING??? Only one of them is going to win - why not help the competition PACK???
Gee, wonder what Heather and Bret did in the limo after Bret's whole strategically-placed I have great sex after getting tattooed" speech.
Criminy, I still can't believe I actually care about this show.
8 of 14 | Posted by mandymax
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Posted on September 7, 2007 8:49 AM
Great recap as usual :), I too was tired of Sam's "suitcase full of buzzkill" and am glad to see her go. I hope that Jes wins it. Also, I kinda liked Flasher's outfit with the pink and white camouflage pants, if I had that stomach I would probably wear clothes like that to show it off although she doesn't have any curves. Looking forward to next week's show and Badass' projectile vomiting lol.
9 of 14 | Posted by MichyPR
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Posted on September 7, 2007 10:06 AM
So Rock of Love is the rock & roll version of Flavor of Love.
And Lacey is New York.
Also if Heather isn't picked, she's gonna feel really, really stupid about getting that tatt.
10 of 14 | Posted by hollabackboy
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Posted on September 7, 2007 12:23 PM
this recap made me chortle on multiple occasions. bravo to another notch on your bedpost.
-the one superfan had been in the game for FOUR YEARS???? i was a tried and true poison fan in eighth grade when they hit their stride. this was in 1987-88 people. back when we didn’t know any better. i have kids and a 401k for fuck's sake.
-"wax your situation." love it.
-your "Why does everyone keep kicking me?" hand grenade caption was ART.
-sarahb's "Where can I see the Brandi pics?"
-sarahb's "Ok. Nevermind. I found the pics. I wish I hadn't."
after this episode it cinches my love for one s. she's always right on with her comments and i get the feeling she's a bit more in on the joke than the others. i said a bit. but that begs the question, if i'm really on her side...does that mean i want her to win...or to lose?
11 of 14 | Posted by k37744
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Posted on September 8, 2007 1:55 AM
My boss was looking over my shoulder as I read last week's recap and asked me what I was looking at (it just happened to be the close up of Badass dressed as a man)... so I had to explain myself... it was so embarrassing until all my co workers chimed in about how much they love this show. I directed them to this site so hopefully we have some new TVgasm/ChickBomb recap readers soon.
12 of 14 | Posted by McCreamy
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Posted on September 8, 2007 8:41 AM
What a bunch of funking bithces on this show. Do you know if they were pick up off the street. And where did did Michaels come from. He had no talent then, and it's obvious he doesn't have any now "Would you like to stay and rock my world?" This is trailer park crap and that's where ever single on of these girls will be in 5 years. I hope everyone that has ever know each of these girls is laughing their ass off on what an embarasement they have become. I will personally pay for an add in each local newspaper (so please e-mail me the names of each paper to dir65@aol.com, and I will write an article that every town will never forget.. and I guarantee each girl will never be able to look at their friends or family in the fact again). Seriously, send me the names of the papers and I will have something in by Oct 15h. These are just 80's whores, nothing more nothing less. John
13 of 14 | Posted by Anonymous | Posted on September 11, 2007 1:47 AM
What a bunch of funking bithces on this show. Do you know if they were pick up off the street. And where did did Michaels come from. He had no talent then, and it's obvious he doesn't have any now "Would you like to stay and rock my world?" This is trailer park crap and that's where ever single on of these girls will be in 5 years. I hope everyone that has ever know each of these girls is laughing their ass off on what an embarasement they have become. I will personally pay for an add in each local newspaper (so please e-mail me the names of each paper to dir65@aol.com, and I will write an article that every town will never forget.. and I guarantee each girl will never be able to look at their friends or family in the fact again). Seriously, send me the names of the papers and I will have something in by Oct 15h. These are just 80's whores, nothing more nothing less. John
14 of 14 | Posted by Anonymous | Posted on September 11, 2007 1:50 AM